Advice for Dad during L&D

shaylagirl · July 2014

I'm sorry for crashing the party guys, but wanted to ask for some advice I can pass on to DH that he can use while I'm in labor.

This will be the 2nd child for both of us; each of us have children from previous relationships. My first was delivered vaginally (16 years ago); his first was delivered via c-section (12 years ago).

We had signed up for a birthing class, which an VERY unexpected family emergency kept HIM from, and I feel like he missed a lot of useful information. But, I'm not sure what information given at that class would be beneficial for me to distill for him and pass along, and what he won't need at all.

So, here's where I'm turning to you Daddies. And, knowing and understanding each delivery is different, what were things YOU did to help your partner through the process that you felt were helpful or that she said helped?

Also, is there anything you wish you'd had packed in your bag to take to the hospital that wasn't packed? I'm planning on making sure I have snacks and some bottles of water for him during L&D, along with one or two changes of clothes, his toiletry bag, charger for his phone/tablet, but that's about all I can think of him needing. Am I missing anything obvious?

Thanks for any advice you gentlemen can give to me to pass along to him. I'd suggest he sign up on his own, but he's not big on "Surfin' the net."

Coltsdad · July 2014

I assume he'll be taking pictures using his phone, otherwise, I'd highly suggest a camera.

As far as helpfulness, I can't really help you much. We had 2 planned c-sections and my wife was only in active labor for 3 hours total for our first. From what I've gathered from the other dads who have come here (and gone in some cases) is to discuss ahead of time what your desires are. If you want something particular in the process, tell him so he knows full well, that way, when you are more focused on having a baby, you have someone who is in your corner about what you want. Of course, that doesn't mean it is written in stone...if you are dead set on a natural birth, but the pain becomes too much... he shouldn't try to talk you out of it, but instead remind you that this is what you wanted... if you say "screw that, pump me full of drugs", then he gets on board. Mostly, he just needs to be there for you and be supportive as you go through it all.

Wulfgar · August 2014

A lot of it just depends on both him and you. For my LO, I was helping to hold one of MW's legs while her mother held the other. We didn't take any pictures during the delivery and took some afterwards.

The best advice for both of you is to rest when you can.

Ratpasta · August 2014

shaylagirl said:

So, here's where I'm turning to you Daddies. And, knowing and understanding each delivery is different, what were things YOU did to help your partner through the process that you felt were helpful or that she said helped?

There wasn't much I could do other than just making sure all of my wifes needs were met by the staff at the hospital. Especially when my wife was in that bed she was in no position to advocate for herself so I did what I could to make sure she was taken care of..... then of course lavishing gifts upon everyone working there.
One thing that did go over well was I had my phone, iPod and laptap loaded with all kinds of things and a very good pair of sealed headphones so that when she really needed a distraction, it was easy to manage.

shaylagirl · August 2014

Thanks for all of the input guys!!

I think perhaps, just from reading what you've all shared, perhaps I need to explain with a bit more clarity about my own birth plan, as he seems to keep defaulting back to what his previous experience was (I think he's got it in his head we're having a C-Section because his son was a large baby). That's good to know so I can perhaps break it down a bit more for him, as well as making sure he understands what I would -like- to happen, and to make sure he can do what needs to be done if things take a turn.

I'll relay much of this to him and get him more informed about what I want to happen during L&D.

Ratpasta · August 2014

shaylagirl said:

Thanks for all of the input guys!!

I think perhaps, just from reading what you've all shared, perhaps I need to explain with a bit more clarity about my own birth plan, as he seems to keep defaulting back to what his previous experience was (I think he's got it in his head we're having a C-Section because his son was a large baby).

you'd better be sure they allow VBAC's - there was a story recently about a mom that got CPS called on her before she had her kid because she didnt want to have another C.....

check it out here

shaylagirl · August 2014

Ratpasta said:

shaylagirl said:

Thanks for all of the input guys!!

I think perhaps, just from reading what you've all shared, perhaps I need to explain with a bit more clarity about my own birth plan, as he seems to keep defaulting back to what his previous experience was (I think he's got it in his head we're having a C-Section because his son was a large baby).

you'd better be sure they allow VBAC's - there was a story recently about a mom that got CPS called on her before she had her kid because she didnt want to have another C.....

check it out here

Oh, it was his ex-wife who did the C-section. I did vaginal before and am HOPING to get to do it with this one too.

Also, I can't imagine having CPS called because of wanting a VBAC. That's messed up.

Ratpasta · August 2014

shaylagirl said:

Ratpasta said:

shaylagirl said:

Thanks for all of the input guys!!

I think perhaps, just from reading what you've all shared, perhaps I need to explain with a bit more clarity about my own birth plan, as he seems to keep defaulting back to what his previous experience was (I think he's got it in his head we're having a C-Section because his son was a large baby).

you'd better be sure they allow VBAC's - there was a story recently about a mom that got CPS called on her before she had her kid because she didnt want to have another C.....

check it out here

Oh, it was his ex-wife who did the C-section. I did vaginal before and am HOPING to get to do it with this one too.

Also, I can't imagine having CPS called because of wanting a VBAC. That's messed up.

i know, isnt that insane?
     Having said that, I dont know the whole story. The kid might have been in serious danger for some reason and that would make it a different story.
   Either way, calling CPS on behalf of an unborn baby is crazyness

simesime13 · August 2014

I think the most important thing, as mentioned already, is that you both talk about what you'd like during the L&D process so he can make that happen. Its one of those things that even though you go in with a plan, that's when things go crazy. Not necessarily bad medically. But maybe you think you want your DH to tell jokes, but you get there and now they're not funny.

As long as your DH knows not to take anything personally and knows he is there to support you, it will all go GREAT!!

One thing my wife said to me is that she won't want "me to be myself" that day. Mostly cuz I am irreverent and make jokes about nearly everything. I can (EDIT - Changed this to CAN...oops) TOTALLY understand where she is coming from. For me, whatever my wife needs that day its hers!! I am hoping she doesn't ask for a new Mercedes or anything. :0

shaylagirl · August 2014

@simesime13; I might just steal your wife's line and tell him to not be himself either, because it sounds like you and he are cut from the same cloth.

And the last thing I need him doing is to crack some joke at the worst possible moment. LOL!

I keep trying to prepare him for me saying things that may sound hurtful, or I may sound mean or aggressive, and that I hope he won't take it personally. That I probably will be in pain, so to be prepared to see and cope with that. That I will need him to be my advocate. He says I've been mean lately anyway, so it's nothing new.

I realized just a day or two ago that I don't have a medical directive written out formally, but I've told him what I want done "just in case", and I asked him to give me some ideas for snacks to pack away for him.

I know I can't 100% prepare him for everything, but, since his memory isn't so great...I will admit that I do spend time trying to out-think any potential pitfalls we could encounter so I can prepare both of us for them.

hay1122 · September 2014

I always think it's a good idea to discuss with DH how soon you want those "we have a baby..." phone calls and when it's ok to have family come and visit. Those first couple hours are precious and should be reserved just for you, husband, and baby.

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