March 2014 Moms
legallyginger
member
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Sup guys?
legallyginger
member
So. I've been gone for a while. I've popped in to lurk once in a while. I barely recognize anyone around here anymore, but I figured I'd check in and let you know I'm alive. I apologize in advance if this is long and incoherent, I'm not really sure what to say.
I decided to take a bump break (really an internet break altogether) because I was feeling pretty down on myself. I still sort of am. This place wasn't helping (no offense to anyone here, for the most part everyone here is lovely). I suppose it was too much time spent comparing myself to others, in life, on here, on facebook and pinterest. I keep telling myself that everyone puts their best face on in public and especially online, but it is really hard not to see what others put out there and not feel like your life is totally inferior. I graduated with no job, my husband and I are still living with my parents, and I constantly feel like a shitty mother. Seeing other people being successful, with wonderful jobs, houses and vacations and cars, people feeling like they were meant to be mommies, still being able to EBF, it's just too much.
Like I said, I still have no job so I'm feeling like I've doomed our family with six figure student debt and nothing to show for it. I realize that I'll probably find a job after bar results come out (which, one shining happy moment, I'm pretty sure I killed it on the bar exam), but right now it is tough to think that far ahead. H and I have been talking to a lawyer about filing for bankruptcy, which has been a pretty low point.
All of that crappiness aside, I'm really struggling with being a mother. I don't really feel cut out for the job, at all. I haven't really developed a bond with J; I tell H all the time that I feel like someone just dropped him off on our doorstep and I'm just in charge of taking care of him. I feel like I take care of him and love him because he's young and helpless and adorable, more out of obligation than because he belongs to me. I think some of this stems from being a little depressed, and some of it stems from still not coming to grips with passing out during my c-section. I fell asleep pregnant and woke up in a different room with a baby- I think, not having seen him come out, my mind is having trouble making the connection between the two.
On top of not feeling connected, I just don't think I'm the type of person that can parent a baby. I know others feel that way too, but I'm struggling with it. I get frustrated really easily, which I really hate about myself. I know he requires oodles of patience and I wish I could give it to him. I actually ended up throwing my phone at a wall a few weeks ago during a particularly tough morning when J just would not stop screaming, which I'm really not proud of. J is generally a really happy, laid back baby (thank God), but when he starts fussing I can usually only handle it for about ten minutes before I want to scream and I have to put him in his crib or give him to someone else and walk away. H has been really understanding, but I know it hurts him that I'm struggling so much and he can't fix it for me.
I know this all sounds miserable, and I guess it is. Most days it's not too bad. I wouldn't say I'm happy, but I'm… content? I don't know. J is really a wonderful baby. He's sitting on his own, downing his baby food like a monster, he loves to laugh and babble, and he's desperately trying to figure out crawling. A few pictures:
Anyway, that's where I'm at now. I saw that a few people wondered where I went; thank you guys for thinking of me! I don't know if I'll still be active, but I will try to pop back in at least once in a while. 
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Re: Sup guys?
Emma Rose
Born 3.11.14
8lbs 14oz, 21.5 in
Married : ** 09/09/2011 ** BFP : 07-18-13 ** Baby #1 is a GIRL , Born 03/12/14 **
** BFP 2 : 01- 05-15 ** EDD 09-11-15 **
But seriously, I'm so sorry you're dealing with all these hurdles. I think everyone has pretty much covered everything. I really hope things get better for you. I'm sure in time they will. If you want to vent more then come back because we're all ready to listen
pp have said it all regarding ppd/ppa and I hope their advice helps!
Just know that we are always here to listen and support you no matter what!
Being able to talk about all you did takes strength. And handle all of that at once and kicking butt at the bar exam at the same time takes even more. I hope you're able to push through these tough times.
J is adorable and has a wonderful smile!
Born 2/4/14
Weighing 6 lbs 10 oz and 20 inches long
You kick ass!
Glad to hear from you!
Pp have says it best. And I guarantee you're doing a great job
Born 2/4/14
Weighing 6 lbs 10 oz and 20 inches long
As for bonding with your little one, I'm sorry you're struggling and hope it gets better for you. Creepy internet stranger hugs for you.
so glad you checked in! your LO is adorable! I'm sorry you are feeling down and I totally agree with PP's about talking to your doc and maybe trying some meds to see if it helps at all. I don't have experience with any real PPD but I know it can get serious fast...the sooner you get help the better. know that we are all here for you and love you!
I /can/ totally relate on the law-market-sucking level. My friends and I graduated in 2012 and passed the bar that summer. the market STILL sucks. I will say, however, that if you try you WILL find a job. It might seem really rough at first but something will always pop up unexpectedly. fate, maybe? I don't know. but it happened for all of us and it will happen for you too. starting salaries do suck, but I would recommend reviewing your repayment options for those student loans. Income Based Repayment is a good option; it will leave you with money to live off of (I would be paying 1200 a month but only pay 380 under my plan) so that helps. Writing out a budget and a plan helps too.
we
you.
TTC since December 2012, BFP 6/25/13. EDD 3/2/14. Baby Elias born 2/21/14 (38w5d)!