Family drama

catycate · September 2014

Last year there was a major family fallout that ended with my mother and I not speaking to my aunt. Long story short, she got her family together and disposed of my grandmothers ashes without letting us know or inviting us or anything, and then lied about it for weeks before coming clean. My aunt is a raging moderately functioning alcoholic and often does and says nasty things, particularly as she ages (she's not the good time aunt anymore, like she was when I was a kid). My mother is 7 years sober and my aunt continually berates her for her sobriety and spirituality. She once called me stupid in front of the whole family bc I dropped out of college. Things like that. And this ashes thing is just the last straw. I had a very special close relationship with my grandmother and my mother took care of her for the last 6 years of her life, so when this happened last year I was hurt and PISSED. It's not something I stew on, but every time I recheck my feelings, I'm still angry and don't have any inclination to forgive her or let her "back into" my family fold. I can tell my mother misses her though and I totally support whatever she wants to do with their relationship. Well, my aunt emailed us today, saying I apologize, let's not live with regrets, are we ever going to speak again. In my head, I was already thinking no, but then she signed it with "let's not let this be Nan's legacy". Uh, no, this is your legacy, not Nan's. But I can tell my mother wants to repair their relationship and is holding back bc of my anger. What should I do? Pretend to forgive her, when I know that not the truth? Stand my ground? Just get the hell over it?

minerswife17 · September 2014

That's rough. Just do what feels right in your heart. I, personally, would have a hard time because of what she did with your grandmothers remains and not telling you, AND denying it. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Aussie45 · September 2014

Your mom doesn't have to hold back. She's her own person and can have her as a part of her life if she wants. You're your own person too and entitled to telling your aunt that you don't want her in your life if you don't. For me, that would be enough for me to call it quits with my aunt. It sounds like it's that way for you as well.

notkateanymore · September 2014

Your mother and you can have two completely separate relationships with her. Make your own choice and let your mom do what she wants as well.

smerka · September 2014

I'm in a similar situation. My grandma was in the nursing home and was being cared for by my uncle and his family. She lived a lot longer than anyone thought she would and my uncle got the idea in his head that she was using up resources and wanted to pull her oxygen. My dad had plans to visit her after he retired. As in leave the day after his last day of work. But my uncle insisted that he had to be done sooner. I was waiting to hear how she was from my dad before taking a trip to see her with my kids. They pulled her oxygen before my dad got there and if all had gone according to plan, she would have been unconscious. Luckily she was still awake when my dad got there and he got to say good bye, but I didn't because no one told me they were pulling her oxygen. My uncle then redid his kitchen and went on vacation with her leftover money. To say I'm pissed is an understatement. I will be cordial to him for my dad, but I don't want a relationship with my uncle. Grief makes people do stupid things. So does alcoholism. I would forgive her if you feel that's what your mom is waiting for in order to reconcile with your aunt. But your relationship with her does not have to be genuine. Just respectful.

spring_time · September 2014

If you are not ready to forgive her, then don't. I would also be upset with what she did.

However, if your mom is ready to move forward, she should be allowed to do so with or without you. You are two separate people with different relationships with your aunt.

catycate · September 2014

Thanks y'all. It's good to know I'm not overreacting. I told everyone (including my mother)that I was supportive of whatever she felt was right for their relationship but I did not want one with her. I imagine that it will be uncomfortable for everyone, but I don't really want to just get over it. I'm angry and I don't need her in my or my kids life.

jag101 · September 2014

Why did she apologize over email? I find that kind of odd. Just because people are blood, doesn't mean that they should be allowed to treat you poorly and you should just forgive and forget..

chelseymat · September 2014

I don't mean any offense by what I'm saying but I noticed a lot of alcoholism in your family. You also expressed concern that you should forgo your feelings to make your mom feel better and that you both need to make the same decision on whether or not to forgive. Please listen to these ladies advice. When you grow up with an addict it is easy to become codependent. You and your mom are two different people and can make different decisions. You are not responsible for your moms feelings.

happyseeker · September 2014

Hi there, sorry about the loss of your dear grandma and how your aunt's poor behavior has affected you. Since your question is if you should forgive her or "stand your ground", I go for the former, to the extent that you can. Even if you have good reasons, as you do, harboring resentments against someone only hurts you, and it gives that other person an unfortunate power over you. It's like a terrible cancer. Just learn how NOT to be, and in the meantime give your mom lots of love and support. Three cheers for her sobriety, too, that is so awesome!

There are really understanding counselors at Focus (no cost - 855-771-4357) if you need some encouragement or advice. They've helped a lot of us.

PS Your aunt sounds like a very unhappy individual - don't be like that! Hugs to you!

HappySeeker

MesmrEwe · September 2014

catycate said:

Thanks y'all. It's good to know I'm not overreacting. I told everyone (including my mother)that I was supportive of whatever she felt was right for their relationship but I did not want one with her. I imagine that it will be uncomfortable for everyone, but I don't really want to just get over it. I'm angry and I don't need her in my or my kids life.

This IMO is a proper response to the situation!

Forgiveness is a very personal decision along with the reasoning behind it is not directed at the person whomever did you wrong, it's forgiving yourself from handing them so much power over your life because of their action and holding onto it. There isn't some magic fairy wand and you forget what they did, it's actually good that you're taking this attitude towards things for the time being. Enabling those kinds of behavior by "forgiving" her because she asked is just enabling to her IMO. Give you some concrete reason she should be forgiven (i.e. YEARS clean and sober) and I'm sure you would with the proper time and healing to the extent you could be in a room together.

Good luck and go this one at your own pace!

Want a personalized experience?

Family drama

Re: Family drama

Choose Another Board

Search Boards