When do you feel 'safe'?

Melinda Quinones · September 2014

We are sitting pretty with a growing little girl at 22 weeks, but even as we tell people our good news, it's still a nagging thought to not tell too many. We had several losses last year and grew almost expectant of another loss. When this one stuck, it was hard to believe. Now that we have seen her, counted limbs, measured fluids, etc., our minds KNOW she is doing well and our chances of loss are way down. Still, even though I can feel her move every day, it's impossible for me not to bring out my home doppler every few days, just to check. Anyone else having trouble letting the fear go and giving in to the joy?

carlsonbaby2014 · September 2014

I think the answer to the question 'when do you feel safe' is different for everyone! As this pregnancy has progressed, I often caught myself saying "when I reach 2nd trimester, I'll feel safe", or "when we have our anatomy scan, I'll feel safe". But the truth of it is, I'm not going to feel safe until this baby is in my arms, and even then I'm sure a new set of worry sets in. So, I relinquished the idea that there is a specific time where I'll feel like "okay, I've made it, I feel like I'm safe". If I get there - great, but I'm not banking on it. I'm just trying to enjoy the progress that I see, and feel, every day. Each day is a blessing and I'm focusing on that rather than the fear. Easier said than done, but that's where I'm at.

Samuelismomma · September 2014

Totally agree with everything @carlsonbaby2014‌ said!

goldengirl84 · September 2014

I'm sorry you feel so worried. I think it is a natural part of becoming a mother. It doesn't ever really end, sometimes you will be less worried than other times. Try not to let it overcome your joy.

uneek1323 · September 2014

Allowing yourself to feel joy and knowing when it's safe are 2 different things. The main difference is that there's no such thing as "safe." As far as joy goes, that's different for everyone based on their personal experiences and current pregnancy. Don't put pressure on yourself to feel any certain way.

JessicaG220 · September 2014

For me- never. At different milestones, I've kept thinking I'll feel confident that she's coming home, but I'm almost 35 weeks now and every day I'm still terrified of something going wrong. I still use my Doppler at least once a day. I think it depends on your personal experiences. I lost my daughter at 30 weeks, so I know how real that possibility is. I just view every day that I'm still pregnant as a blessing.

MrsTuna08 · September 2014

I'm absolutely in agreement with what PP have said. I have yet to feel like, ok, I've made it. My loss was very early, but I still find myself freaking out in these later stages. I find new things to worry about. I will say about the time we had the A/S and I could feel her move more consistently I went from sheer terror all the the time to a lower level worry. ((hugs)) it's a rough journey.

Bigboneded · September 2014

Most of the time I feel "safe" now. Then PGAL brain will rear it's ugly head.... We announced, on Facebook and at work, families already knew. Planning showers and I'll get cramps and think, "oh no, how do I cancel everything and untell now?!?"
I am 20 weeks with twins, those little girls are moving! I haven't felt them yet.... only an ultrasound can tell if my cervix shortened and nobody is in a hurry to check, except anxious me.... So, I think a version of "really safe" will come when we all get home, and a new version of worry will start... As long as most days are good, I'll take it :-)

dragonfly1809 · September 2014

I will never feel safe. Pregnancy after loss introduces us to so much ...stuff we never would have imagined. After two losses (11 & 6 weeks) I thought I was given the worst hand, then I met ladies who suffered late loss and thought, wow, nothing could be worse than that..., then I suffered infant loss.. and now have met mother's who've lost their children at all ages.. It's worse..

I've come to realize that, now, I will never feel confident. I'll never feel that naive bliss of "that's tragic, but only happens to other people" ... My milestone now is to die before my child. Even when he grows to be an adult I'll still be waiting for that milestone.

The only thing we can do is, as cliche as it sounds, live every day with thanks, and treasure every moment..., to somehow believe that everything will be okay.
I could make myself crazy (I do sometimes) thinking about what can go wrong.
Losing Finn taught me that even when doing everything right, even when he is safe in my arms - everything can go tragically wrong. How can anyone prevent that? It's impossible to live in fear of the good things.

Pregnancy is supposed to be a good thing, a memorable time, an exciting time.... A nearly impossible expectation for women like us. I try every day - whether through mantras or whatever positive reinforcement I can find - to enjoy this pregnancy, to only imagine good outcomes, and only imagine him living a long happy life.
The fears are always there, and have to be acknowledged, but I won't let them ruin this for me.

Sorry!! Holy cow I rambled.. way more than you needed.. Ugh. I'm just having one of those mornings..
I'll shut up now.

HUG

JuddandJessica · September 2014

My rainbow was born healthy at 39weeks. To be honest, I don't think I ever felt "safe". We all know to many sad stories. I actually cried the morning of my shower at 33ish weeks because I realized I still hadn't convinced myself that I would bring him home. I remember one morning about a week before he was born when I looked around at my completely baby-ready house and thought "OMG! We are actually bringing a KID HERE!" Looking back, I really wish I could have simply enjoyed the moment a bit more. After he was born, I almost wished I could go back and enjoy all the little things again and not worry "when the ball was going to drop".

I think the key to handling PGAL is to simply enjoy the moment. At any age, born or unborn, we are not promised any time but right now. How much happier and stress free would we be if we could simply live life in the moment?

ToriGirl2014 · September 2014

It's a struggle for us all which is why this board exists.

I find that trying to force myself to think positively helps me feel safe at times. But no matter what, the worry tends to sneak in. Just try to let yourself feel joy as much as possible, even if you have to "fake it til you make it."

nohalo21 · September 2014

I think what all the ladies wrote I can agree with. It is hard to let that guard down, although now that I have passed my milestone I can say I am feeling a little more relaxed. I try not to let that thought creep into my head because this should be a joyous time. We started working on the nursery and buying little things that we need. This does make me nervous but I will not let fear win. I have set little goals to help me get through the tough days.

MissLMS · September 2014

When I was pregnant with my DS, after our first loss, I felt safer, more confident after the NT scan at 12 weeks. But, then after the second loss at 10w... I'm not sure I'll ever really be that confident during pregnancy again. I'm just trying to take it one week at a time, doctors appointment by doctors appointment right now.

fallfever · September 2014

I'm 26 weeks with my baby girl. This is my 6th pregnancy. I have 3 healthy boys and then had two losses in a row. Even at 26 weeks I feel like I can't relax. I hate feeling this way! I have another ultrasound in 2 weeks. I really hope that I will be able to feel more confident then. Wishing you a happy and healthy rest of your pregnancy:)

missiemae · September 2014

I wish I knew. After mc last October and again in February of this year I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.. I did okay with June 11th passing and now that my other would be due date of Sept 19 is nearing I have to find ways to calm myself as even feeling baby move isn't reassuring enough.
Hang in there!!

kflynn81 · September 2014

Um....never honestly. Losing Jack at 20 weeks was so so difficult for us but through joining loss support groups I've heard so many other awful stories that even once we get past 20 weeks with this baby, I doubt I'm going to rest easy. I think the best advice is just taking it one day at a time and being thankful for having all the days before it with that baby. At least for me, it gets me through the day.

kflynn81 · September 2014

dragonfly1809 said:

I will never feel safe. Pregnancy after loss introduces us to so much ...stuff we never would have imagined. After two losses (11 & 6 weeks) I thought I was given the worst hand, then I met ladies who suffered late loss and thought, wow, nothing could be worse than that..., then I suffered infant loss.. and now have met mother's who've lost their children at all ages.. It's worse.. I've come to realize that, now, I will never feel confident. I'll never feel that naive bliss of "that's tragic, but only happens to other people" ... My milestone now is to die before my child. Even when he grows to be an adult I'll still be waiting for that milestone. The only thing we can do is, as cliche as it sounds, live every day with thanks, and treasure every moment..., to somehow believe that everything will be okay. I could make myself crazy (I do sometimes) thinking about what can go wrong. Losing Finn taught me that even when doing everything right, even when he is safe in my arms - everything can go tragically wrong. How can anyone prevent that? It's impossible to live in fear of the good things. Pregnancy is supposed to be a good thing, a memorable time, an exciting time.... A nearly impossible expectation for women like us. I try every day - whether through mantras or whatever positive reinforcement I can find - to enjoy this pregnancy, to only imagine good outcomes, and only imagine him living a long happy life. The fears are always there, and have to be acknowledged, but I won't let them ruin this for me. Sorry!! Holy cow I rambled.. way more than you needed.. Ugh. I'm just having one of those mornings.. I'll shut up now. HUG

I love everything you just said here.....its perfect!
=D>

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When do you feel 'safe'?

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Began trying for a baby January 2012
BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013
BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013
BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014

NTNP 2009-2012 TTC since 2012:

NTNP 2009-2012 TTC since 2012:

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Want a personalized experience?

When do you feel 'safe'?

Re: When do you feel 'safe'?

Began trying for a baby January 2012BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014

NTNP 2009-2012 TTC since 2012:

NTNP 2009-2012 TTC since 2012:

Choose Another Board

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Began trying for a baby January 2012
BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013
BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013
BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014