Popping in for a quick vent/question/advice

missnacholover · September 2014

How would you deal with a mother who is being passive-aggressive to your MIL?

So my MIL can be a handful. But she means well. My mom seems to have made it almost a competition between her and my MIL. My MIL tends to go WAY overboard with things. DH and I are trying to rein her in with regards to gifts for the baby. She tends to get tunnel vision. Like I'll say I need new athletic socks for Christmas and she'll buy me 20 pairs. Which is nice, but we end up with a bunch of stuff we don't need that takes up space and really is a waste of money. We try to take it in stride while at the same time saying we'd rather they save their money to come visit and spend time with us, rather than giving us a bunch of stuff. It's a process and she won't change over night but she has made some improvements. A big concern we have is when our kids are older and are getting EVERYTHING they want (and then some) from DH's parents and only a few gifts from my parents. Hopefully we'll have a better handle on things by then - I don't want my kids to have favorites or think that if they as Grammy for something, they will get it.

MIL is VERY excited about this baby. Chomping at the bit for the arrival of her first grandchild. It's sweet, can get overwhelming I'll admit, but I'm trying to take it in stride. She's made some comments that have bothered me (referring to the baby as "her baby", saying she's already planning a trip to Disney World, etc., etc.) but DH has talked to her and she's scaled back quite a bit.

Well, my mom seems to think that MIL is off her rocker and keeps making these annoying passive aggressive comments to her regarding the baby and how SHE (my mom) is respecting us and our wishes as far as the birth and gift giving. The latest - I emailed both my mom and MIL to thank them for the lovely shower. My mom did a reply-all and totally out of left field says how she will do whatever we want regarding the birth and that it's our decision when we have visitors. It was so obvious she was trying to make a hint to MIL that she needs to check herself. Meanwhile, DH and I have spoken to his parents about our wishes and they are very respectful.

It almost feels like my mom thinks that she has to protect me or control MIL or something, when DH and I are adults and have things handled. It's starting to piss me off and I really do not want to deal with this BS for the next 18 years. MIL is MIL, my mom is my mom, they are two different women. Neither one of them is better than the other.

I just am at my whits end. I feel like if I call my mom out on it, she'll get defensive and guilt trip me. But then it's allowing this crap to continue and that is not fair to MIL.

Any ideas or thoughts?

missnacholover · September 2014

Holy crap, that was a novel. Sorry!

NLJ82 · September 2014

That sounds SUPER crappy. If there's anything I hate it's getting caught in the middle of other people's drama. I guess I have a different communication system with my own mom because if I were in this situation I'd not hesitate to tell her to shut up and she'd reluctantly say ok lol. I hope you're able to communicate with her that she, herself, needs to back it up just a little. You guys ARE adults! I'm sure you can handle your own. Good Luck!

mander82 · September 2014

hmm......Well, I might just casually bring it up the next time you are talking to her. Try not to make it sound like you really care, but still explain your initial reaction to her email reply.

That way you can let her know how her comment sounded without making a big deal out of it.

As far as your MIL spoiling your child, I wouldn't worry about your child choosing her to be the favorite. Kids enjoy fun activities more than gifts. At least, in my experience they do.

ejpetey · September 2014

Fun stuff! I think you can call her out but in a way that makes it clear that you appreciate her concern and know she's coming from a protective place but that you guys have MIL under control and just want everyone to get along. If she tries to guilt trip you, just don't let it bother you (easier said than done I know but at this point my own mother knows I'm immune to them). She'll get over it! Good luck!

missnacholover · September 2014

Econosaurus said:

I would straight up tell her you appreciate how respectful she is of your choices and you wish she would extend that courtesy to respecting how you handle your relationship with your MIL. I didn't realize how much I sometimes vented to my mom about my in laws until she became a bit defensive and snippy as well, making comments that were out if line. So I explained to her that these things were between my husband, his family, and I. There was nothing there I needed help or saving from, I had my big girl panties on just fine. After that I also made a point to be sure I was much more selective in what I told my mom about his family, even trying to highlight positives only and completely keeping mum about the negatives. Funny thing was when I tried to change how I talked to my mom about my in laws and how thought of them in front of my mom it actually helped shape my attitude for the better too.

This is a good line. I will have to use it!

I'm not too worried about the spoiling, but the level MIL goes with gift giving does need to be scaled back. I mean, not only from a spoiling perspective, but from a "we don't have the space for all this stuff" perspective too.

You've all given some good advice. I do need to limit my bitching about my ILs to my mom, I think that would help.

missnacholover · September 2014

SarahMaureenF said:

I don't have any real expert advice for you, but are we long lost sisters? My mom has a horrible relationship with my SIL because of a similar situation with my brother's in-laws (but they aren't harmless like yours--they're time-hogging a-holes). My husband and I don't have much to worry about because my MIL passed away three years ago, but she and my mom got along very well when she was alive. There's not a day that goes by that I don't mourn that loss, though, because she would have been a great grandmother to our baby. My gut level reaction is for you to simply say, "Can't it be ok for our kid to have two grandmas who already love him/her (sorry can't remember what you're having or if you know yet!) so much?" Because I'm jealous of people who have two moms in their lives who are ready to spoil and love their babies.

Are you close to your mom? And do you say semi-negative things about your MIL to your mom? I've found that when I do that with my mom in any situation, it just eggs her on. I do think it sounds like she's being protective of you, but I also think that you might just have to tell yourself that your mom is not a reflection of you, and your MIL knows that. If the things she is doing really do bother you a lot, it might be worth risking her bad attitude back to just sort of assert yourself and say, "I realize that MIL is crazy excited and that you guys are two different people, but we're handling it ok on our own." Or something?

I don't have any good answers--I just wanted to offer my sympathy. My guess is that your mom is acting this way because she's nervous that your MIL is going to have a closer relationship with your kid than she does. I know that that is why my mom behaves that way.

I do sometimes vent about my MIL to my mom and I know I need to stop that. I need to work on keeping that in check.

I have said that she needs to remember that this is MIL's first grandbaby and she's over the moon excited and shows her excitement in a different way. My mom always gets defensive and is like, "I'M EXCITED TOO!". I know she is, but she has to remember what it was like when she was a first time grandma. I think that regardless of who you are, the first time is always a bit more exciting and the anticipation is higher.

I do think a lot of it comes from insecurity. She seems to have similar issues with my sister's ILs as well. AND when my nephew was born my sister's ILs did NOT respect their wishes (They didn't want visitors at the hospital) and I think she's holding on to that a little bit. Even though, hi, different sets of inlaws.

sweetbabyrahe · September 2014

I agree with pp that maybe your mom is just trying to protect or stand up for you. Also, I don't know but maybe she is worried about the competition between grandparents and feeling inferior. I know in my case my in laws tend to spoil DS more with monetary gifts and things. DH is an only child and they live about 4 hours away. My parents have more kids and less money to spend on DS , but they get to spend a lot more time with him. It all evens out and there are no favorites. I would tell your mom that you are handling the in laws...it will be a continual battle.

NunyaBennis · September 2014

Too funny(ish). I started to PM you about this to check on the situation since we have very similar MILs. My mom & I share MIL secrets with each other because she also suffered through a lot of the same overbearing, disrespectful, passive-aggressive behavior, and general lack of boundaries that all somehow stemmed from the best of intentions. We just had a chat last week about my fears of instilling resentment through constantly switching on auto-defensive mode and how I didn't want our vent sessions to lead to her own resentment or insecurities, or otherwise influence her view of my MIL in any way. Luckily she understands exactly how much you can want to hug and throat punch someone simultaneously.
As far as the gift giving goes: it's irritating as fuck because you're put in such a cruddy spot of appearing ungrateful or spoiled or dictating, yet c'mon, man! If you know (due to repeatedly discussing it) we won't use it/ don't need it/ won't like it/ don't have room for it... save us both the hassle, no? I've started just saying thank you & keeping a pile of things to donate or exchange. When she throws her temper tantrum when we don't keep the stuff, it's her own damn fault. There's no sense in talking to a brick wall.
As for elaborating on behavior and philosophical differences... I'll save that one. I'm working on my own novel here already.
It's a delicate balance that I anticipate being difficult to find (not to mention maintain)... but I'd love to be proven wrong!

Kristy774 · September 2014

You just typed my life. My mother is a handful, my mother in law, not so much. She's not like your mother in law but my mom is like your mom, she can be really competitive with MIL. It drives me crazy. I just had a situation JUST like this yesterday with my own mother. It's frustrating

I have no advice, I just reign my mom back in and try to reassure her that I love her.

wallygirl · September 2014

I can't give advice on mil and mom situation. That sounds tough and I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. But on the gift giving especially for you LO I have a suggestion. My parents are over the top gift givers. My SIL finally sat my parents down and told them in a nice way that they really appreciate all my parents do but they had to chill out because the kids biggest and most exciting Christmas should be at home from them and Santa. Now she gives each set of grandparents ideas of a toy the kids want and something they need. I'm just glad this was dealt with before we had LOs

aodom52309 · September 2014

I totally feel your pain. My mom and her MIL (my grandmother) act like that and it's been like that for over 30 yrs. My grandmother is like your MIL and our moms act the same. It's extremely frustrating.

With our first pregnancy (which I miscarried) when I told my mom she made a point to tell me her and my dad were going to buy the nursery furniture so don't let my grandmother do it. Which I thought that was very petty. When we got pregnant this time she made sure to remind me about the furniture.

I'm just over it, they've been like this too long and nothing is going to change. I just learned not to talk to my mom about what my grandmother and I talk about and vice versa.

But hopefully in your situation things will get better. Because no should have to be a mediator with 2 grown adults.

NunyaBennis · September 2014

Emnob28 said:
No advice other than to say I'd probably avoid group emails and such. It's clear your mothers are like children - they each require a little something different in terms of handling so it's probably best to accommodate that. I think everyone else has given you great advice about gifts (I really like and might steal the 1 they want 1 they need rule) and rethinking the things you tell your mom about your MIL.

ETA - hugs. I wish parents didn't have to get all cray cray over their grand kids. Don't they realize what they're doing to the family.

Moms. :-< You never stop raising them!

jlove253 · September 2014

You've gotten really good advice. I feel like it's always best to acknowledge the feelings behind the behavior, so telling your mom that you know she loves you and is trying to stand up for you should help the conversation to go better.

I also once heard that one should vent to one's mil (instead I your mom) about DH because she loves him like his mother and won't hold a grudge against him for what is said. Maybe the same is true conversely? I suppose it depends on a person's relationship with DH and the way the two handle in law politics. I guess really it's just a reminder to think about who we vent to.

Also, good for you for trying to get things under control, on both mil and mom fronts. My H's cousin has fostered this behavior between his parents and in laws and they are constantly competing with each other, in addition to having a really terrible relationship with each other. It's really sad.

HappyToBeHere · September 2014

I honestly feel like I could've written this exact same post, so I too am appreciating all the advice and suggestions!

krgriffin26 · September 2014

Wow our MILs sound like the same exact person. MIL has been the only grandma in niece and nephews life for 9 years. Sadly my SIL mother passed away after nephew was born so she didn't get to meet niece. MIL has taken advantage of it a bit too much though. and sometime throws passive aggressive comments that hurt SIL feelings such as how she HAS to so these things because they only have 1 grandma. She spoils those kids so bad. It's to the point that Christmas doesn't come with thank you's and presents get throw aside if they aren't "the perfect thing". DH and I have already discussed how it is going to be hard for her to hear what we have to say about those kinds of things. We refuse to raise brats because MIL gives them everything. DH just actually had a talk about MIL last night and preparing her to share and understand that we are different than BIL and SIL and that we will have different expectations of our kids. We will see how it goes.

I think the best thing is that DH and I are on the same page for keeping things fair. It will probably require some discussions with the moms in the future to make sure we are all happy. And sometimes LO will get a bit spoiled by them. We hope that MIL will respect our wishes about buying our kids things that they don't need. Also since my mom is super passive, she's not one to speak up about things that bother her. DH and I have talked about making sure his mom doesn't railroad mine with the things they each want to do for the kids. We shall see how it goes.

Wish you luck too!!! Seems like some of us might need it lol

missnacholover · September 2014

Thanks everyone for all the advice! I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who struggles with stuff like this!

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