- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Working Moms
sweetsunnyc
member
Hurtful WM Comments
sweetsunnyc
member
in Working Moms
You know the comments that are not intentional, but they still hurt/make you mad? I was on the phone with my sister earlier today talking about jobs. We have very different life situations- she is a nurse and not really working right now. My BIL is a pilot and makes excellent money, so my sister doesn't have to work at all if she chooses not to. She recently went on a interview and was concerned about the hours because it would be 8-5 three days a week. Her comment was along the lines of "I'm just afraid that these hours would keep me away from E (my nephew) too much. I really don't want to drop the ball on my family if I don't have too" I know that she didn't mean anything by it, but it just bothered me. I was like- hey, I work full time and I don't feel like I ever drop the ball on my family. And then it makes me wonder, is this how my family views me? As choosing work over my kids? It just leaves me with a bad feeling.
I know that everyone on here has dealt with the comments, but still. They just suck and I'm not in the mood today. Vent over
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Hurtful WM Comments
Really?
To seriously take that comment personally means that we basically can have NO conversations w/ anyone in our lives about anything because "oh no... if I dare express concerns about MY life, I might offend someone else in their life choices".
Come on.
her comment wasn't about you, there was no judgment there. She's having a hard time dealing w/ this change - she's allowed that.
I tend to be like OP and over-analyze things, I take comments on myself that were not meant to be taken personally, so I sympathize. This often makes me spiral into a mental debate where I'm left wondering if I'm doing what's best for my family and makes me doubt all of my life choices.
I doubt that your sister meant the comment in that way, but sometimes it can be easy to take offence. Having said that, try to be confident in the choices that you've made for your family and don't let other people's choices affect how you view yours. Everyone does what's best for them, it's never the same for any two people and that is perfectly ok. It's also OK for your sister to have doubts about changes in her life. It would be like if your hours or income got cut and you made a comment about the financial impact of you taking home less money - a SAHM may view that in an offensive way even though it's a legitimate concern of yours.
Maybe you could offer her some advice on how to manage being a working mom, and you could use this as an opportunity to build her up and reassure her that working does not mean she will "drop the ball". If she's receptive, you can let her know about your time management or slow-cooker/meal planning tips...whatever you have learnt to do that ensures that you don't drop the ball!
And there are many professions that travel, DH is in engineering and I'm in finance, depending on projects and deadlines, there have been times where one of us is gone for a few nights for a few weeks back to back. We've had trips coincide so we've been gone at the same time. That may be a scenario that OP's SIL would refer to as 'dropping the ball'.
I definitely get why this comment would rub you the wrong way. However, I agree with PP that it definitely was not directed at you. It sounds like she more just felt that she personally would be dropping the ball if she took this job, which does make sense if her husband is a pilot; I imagine he's away from home a lot and so the family really depends a lot on her being around. Especially since she knows that you work, it doesn't sound like this was meant to be an intentional dig at you.
I find that my own self-consciousness about working full-time makes me sensitive to the comments of others, where I perceive that they are talking about me/judging me for working when in reality, they are not. Just try to keep it in perspective and think that as much as you may be judging yourself for working full-time, or feeling guilty about being away from your kids, likely no one else is. I very much doubt that your sister thinks that you are dropping the ball on your family; she just feels that she would be doing that in her own situation.
But definitely, I get why a comment like that would hurt your feelings. I would have likely felt the same way and then have had to remind myself of what I am saying to you right now.
BFP #1 6/28/11 ~ EDD 3/7/12 ~ m/c 7/15/11 at 6w2d
BFP #2 8/29/11 ~ EDD 5/12/12. 4/25/12: Our take home baby is here!
BFP #3 8/27/13 ~ EDD 5/11/14. 4/27/14: Our second take home baby is here!
I am 100% sure that both my family and my husband's family has judged decisions that I have made with regards to child rearing and honestly, I just let it slide off my back. My Mom made a comment the other day that it's good that I take DS grocery shopping with me on the weekends because I hardly see him since I work full time and it surprisingly stung. This from the woman who would have been completely devastated if I had chosen to stay home and not continued working.
Everyone has different perspectives and different opinions on child rearing and not everyone is going to agree with the decisions that you have made. And that's ok. You are making decisions that are best for your family. It sounds like you might not be completely confident in your decision to keep working or that you are carrying some guilt because of it. Sit down and re-visit all the reasons you chose to continue working and outline the benefits of it. Does your family judge your DH for continuing to work? Why should it be different for you?
I am 100% sure that both my family and my husband's family has judged decisions that I have made with regards to child rearing and honestly, I just let it slide off my back. My Mom made a comment the other day that it's good that I take DS grocery shopping with me on the weekends because I hardly see him since I work full time and it surprisingly stung. This from the woman who would have been completely devastated if I had chosen to stay home and not continued working.
Everyone has different perspectives and different opinions on child rearing and not everyone is going to agree with the decisions that you have made. And that's ok. You are making decisions that are best for your family. It sounds like you might not be completely confident in your decision to keep working or that you are carrying some guilt because of it. Sit down and re-visit all the reasons you chose to continue working and outline the benefits of it. Does your family judge your DH for continuing to work? Why should it be different for you?
But to the bolded - its VERY clear that her sister was simply talking about her life and how HER life is about to change. She wasn't placing ANY judgment on anyone else's choices. The OP is being overly sensitive to this.
In this overly PC world we live in- if I were venting about my life in the same way and a friend said anything to me along the lines of "what you just said hurt my feelings", I'd be SO stunned and a little WTF about it and it would actually probably deter me from being so open w/ that person again.
It just reeks of self-centeredness. "I'm listening to you, but not really because now I'm applying what you're saying to MY life instead of really taking the time to truly HEAR what you're saying and looking at it from YOUR POV.".
It's a fine line sometimes, but to this situation specifically - I think the OP needs to evaluate why she was hurt by a comment that really had nothing to do w/ her.
To tell her sister "you hurt my feelings" might be a surefire way to make her sister think that she has to walk on eggshells around the OP. And trust me- that gets REALLY tedious after awhile.
I have to disagree with the disagreement. I don't think there's an assumption that any woman working full time would prefer to be PT or not at all. I think the whole issue is the wording. PP's nailed it I think. Saying, "Ugh, I have this opportunity to work 8-5 3 days a week, but if I take it, I think I'd really be dropping the ball on my family," to someone who works 40 hours a week is going to make the 40 hour a week person feel like she is personally being judged for dropping the ball.
The weight example is perfect. My mother is constantly, constantly talking about how fat she is, and how she needs to lose weight. She is a size 0. I am not. When someone who is thinner than me says, "Gosh, I am just so fat right now, and so disgusting," and I am 20 pounds heavier than her, clearly I am going to think, "Jesus, I wonder what she thinks about me if she thinks she's fat and disgusting." Is she saying I'm fat? No. Did she call me fat to my face? No. Did she tell me to lose weight? No. But if someone says they are fat when they weigh 20 pounds less than you, the logical assumption is that they think that you are heavy. You aren't going to think that they think size 0 is fat but size 6 is totally fine for you. Similarly, OP's sister said that she thinks if she works 8-5 three days a week, she's dropping the ball on her family. The logical corollary to that statement is, "Jesus, I wonder what she thinks about me if she thinks working 27 hours a week is dropping the ball on her family."
I 100% agree that OP's sister was not talking about her, was not intending to be offensive, etc. but I totally agree with knowing your audience. I would never complain about my job to someone who had just gotten fired. I would never complain about my weight to someone who is 100 pounds heavier than me and on Weight Watchers. I would never complain about a pregnancy to someone I knew was having fertility struggles. It's all about knowing your audience, and I don't think that means you're walking on eggshells, it just means you're exercising common courtesy.
BFP #1 6/28/11 ~ EDD 3/7/12 ~ m/c 7/15/11 at 6w2d
BFP #2 8/29/11 ~ EDD 5/12/12. 4/25/12: Our take home baby is here!
BFP #3 8/27/13 ~ EDD 5/11/14. 4/27/14: Our second take home baby is here!
The best way to have handled it (or handle it the future) is to just address it then- "ouch" or "well, that hurts" in a playful manner lets them know they said something that could be hurtful.
But at the same time, her sister was venting to someone close to her. Step back and realize someone can have legitimate feelings that don't reflect on you whatsoever. The Pain Olympics suck. You can't invalidate someone's concerns or feelings because you have it harder.
Instead of focusing on what she said, look inward on why that hurt you. You can't change what people say, you can change how it affects you.
If the OP "knew she didn't mean anything by it" and yet it "it just bothered (her)" then clearly the issue is with the OP's perspective of her own life choices.
OP, if that sort of benign comment is going to send you into a self-doubt spiral, then consider why. Don't project it back to your sister who is simply looking for someone to listen to her work out some life decisions. That is a compliment, not an insult to your life choices.
I agree with everyone who said there is no reason for the OP to have taken offense to this comment. It is a bit self centered and way overly sensitive to feel like this statement is somehow putting your choices down.
This does hit a nerve with me, however, because my dad is way overly sensitive and is always reading into things to somehow make them about him. It drives me insane. I have had to tell him many times "not everything is about you. Sometimes it is just about me and my life." This seems like one of those occasions.
It sounds like your SIL's life is very different from yours, so how much she can or cannot work and still make things runs smoothly for her family in no way relates to how much you can feasibly work. And actually I currently work three days a week and when my boss told me I had to work until 5 I had to tell him that I would have to quit my job if that were the case. So I am exactly like your SIL in that if I worked 8 - 5 I would be dropping the ball on my family. But my DH is basically nonexistent at home during the week. When he was working locally I did work FT and it was fine.
So anyway, don't try to make this about you, and if your SIL really does want to work then use your experience to help her think through it and come up with a plan. And if she ends up coming to the realization that it won't work, then don't turn that around to think it has anything at all to do with you.
I also think OP is being too sensitive. Sometimes people just want to talk about their own lives. I'm also married to a pilot, a military pilot at that. He was gone for 10 months last year. I get the pressure of a spouse with a tough job.
I also happen to love, adore and relish my awesome career. That's just me though. I get that other people would potentially want to stay home in my situation.
I think you just have to train yourself to not let other people's opinions or comments hurt your feelings all the time.
Your feelings are your feelings, but really - I kind of find it a selfish outlook that your sister is concerned about her starting to work and basically changing the dynamic of her family life (which is what that is really about) and you take her concern about her life as some kind of statement about yours.
It's either selfish OR insecure. Or a mix of both.
I work a full time job but it has a LOT of flexibility. If I were to take a job that didn't have this flexibility, I'd have the same exact concern- that I'd be dropping the ball on my family somehow. It's a change in MY life and MY circumstances. And a large reason why I actually stay in the job that I'm in. Because I know I wouldn't be able to be there for my son as much as I am now. And, again, I'm talking fulltime to fulltime.
I still agree w/ @VOR and others who said there is really no reason for you to read into this or take it to be hurtful. Her comment has nothing to do with you but you are reading into it in a way to allow yourself to be hurt by it.
Again, her DH is a pilot, so she is basically functioning as a single parent much of the time. Unless you are in the same situation, her worries about trying to make it as a working mom have no reflection on you whatsoever. And if someone can't even make a simple comment like that without hurting your feelings then that is somewhat self centered and/or shows an insecurity about your own choices.