Soon to be ftm...and losing my friends

caroline0613 · September 2014

I might be having preggo hormones but I'm getting the sinking suspicion that I'm slowly getting replaced in my circle of girlfriends (who are mostly childless). There is one friend who just had a baby and she has remained a great friend (calling to talk about dr appts and even asking to plan my shower) but everyone else is MIA unless I do all the reaching out. I'm guessing a 6 mo preggo who doesn't drink or want to stay up crazy late, is excited about planning a nursery, and has to pee every 20 minutes probably isn't the most fun person but seeing the outings on Facebook I wasn't invited to is still sad. (Sorry if this sounds like a pity rant, it's not meant to be, I promise!) Have other ftms dealt with this? How did you deal?

CandEChicago · September 2014

caroline0613 said:
I might be having preggo hormones but I'm getting the sinking suspicion that I'm slowly getting replaced in my circle of girlfriends (who are mostly childless). There is one friend who just had a baby and she has remained a great friend (calling to talk about dr appts and even asking to plan my shower) but everyone else is MIA unless I do all the reaching out. I'm guessing a 6 mo preggo who doesn't drink or want to stay up crazy late, is excited about planning a nursery, and has to pee every 20 minutes probably isn't the most fun person but seeing the outings on Facebook I wasn't invited to is still sad. (Sorry if this sounds like a pity rant, it's not meant to be, I promise!) Have other ftms dealt with this? How did you deal?

People grow and change in general. You never said your age but I am betting you are probably in your 20s. That is a time when a lot of people are growing and redefining parts of their life. You can still be friends but you probably won't be as close as you used to....and that is ok.

[Deleted User] · September 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Tarene · September 2014

Everything goes in cycles usually - for me, I was the last of my group of friends to do anything. I went to 5 weddings in one year, and then two years later it was my turn. Tons of wedding showers, facebook posts of engagement rings, and I was living with my now husband - IN SIN. But finally, it was my turn and I was able to talk about bridesmaids and get excited about wedding cake flavors just like everyone else.

Then everyone started having babies. Years later, and we are too.

You're just on a totally different track but eventually, like everyone has said, you all end up in basically the same place as the friends who want to go down the same road.

It's all about focusing on enjoying your milestones on your own time line.

SeahorseMama · September 2014

ITA with the other ladies. Unfortunately this is something that tends to happen during your first pregnancy. Your true friends will stick around!

caroline0613 · September 2014

Thanks bumpies! You are right, this is a change and is sad but a part of life. I decided I'm going to make more of an effort to be more social as well to make sure I'm not becoming a hermit!

CandEChicago · September 2014

caroline0613 said:
Thanks bumpies! You are right, this is a change and is sad but a part of life. I decided I'm going to make more of an effort to be more social as well to make sure I'm not becoming a hermit!

Yeah good call. Acting like a hermit doesn't help either.

khall7109 · September 2014

With me, all of my friends have backed off a little. I wAs the life of the party, I really try to still make it out though. I might not stay super late but I make the effort. With the mothers in my office I am finding I have new and amazing friendships. Life is constantly evolving, you just have to go with the flow. The good friends will stick around.

JulieSC81 · September 2014

Sorry OP. i experienced this when i was pregnant with DS years ago. Many childless, partying friends dropped off and never came back. And you know what? Good..."Bye Felicia!!!"....because if our friendship was based on who could hang out at bars and dance all the time...then good riddens. The TRUE friends (whether they had children or not) stayed. They are wonderful "aunts and uncles" in my DS's life. They are the ones who bring cheese and sparkling grape juice over to my house because i wont drink wine right now. The ones who drink frozen lemonade drinks on taco tuesdays right now. The ones who my son gets excited to see. The ones who play with my son and love him. The ones who dont need me to go to bars to see me. They come over or go places with me and my son

. Don't worry OP, you dont want the fake party friends in your life. You want the real friends. It might suck momentarily but you'll get it and appreciate it soon

.
Trust me

.
Edit: Not saying that you will never go to bars once you have kids lol. I dont want to scare you lol. Dont be a hermit. But you will see who the real friends are and who isnt worth your time once the LO comes

.

nopegoat · September 2014

I was in college and was 21 when I got pregnant with my first. I lost a ton of friends, but I truly found my best friend through it.

It hurts at first but looking back I am so glad I didn't waste my time with people who didn't really care about me.

Shortstack06 · September 2014

I am a FTM, my husband and i have been together 10 years this year and way longer than any of our friends. My circle changed drastically around college when I started running a business for my parents. A lot of friends didn't understand my priorities changing and spending endless amounts of mommy and daddy's money on revealing dresses and shoes to go to the club wasn't me anymore. Best moment of my life right there, so it may be a blessing in disguise. Going out drinking isn't the only way they could spend time with you and if they chose not to, pick yourself up and meet new people. My husband has some close friends that aren't in a relationship or have kids but they will just become some variation of an Uncle like they have been for everyone else. But we do activities/outings that even the pregnant are interested in. Edit: iPad lingo change?

beachy6 · September 2014

The friends I had in my 20's are much different than the ones I have in my 30's. Everyone is still redefining themselves in their 20's and many aren't married or don't have kids. When you get married and especially as you start having kids, your priorities change. Going out and staying out late is awful because you know your baby will be up at 5am or earlier! So, it becomes about building your family.

The people I hang out with now all have families and we all have the same priorities and values. Honestly, it's fine with me because I'm much too old and have way too many responsibilities to be staying out late every weekend. Plus, recovery takes MUCH longer these days!! This isn't to say we don't ever go out, it's just different but in a good way.

totesmcgoats · September 2014

I was JUST saying this to my husband yesterday. I was all upset after seeing my friends pics on facebook. I wasn't invited.

Although, I'm 33 and I still have a handful of friends who aren't married and childless. Their social life still revolves around bars. I felt left out a few times but then I remind myself that I'm over that point of life anyhow and super excited for what's next!

CandEChicago · September 2014

@bblo@comcast.net - you might want to change your SN to something that is not your email address.

(Shoot I can't even tag her)

caroline0613 · September 2014

I'm actually early 30's so most of my friends are in committed relationships but still haven't had kids. After talking to my husband about it I realize I'm not actually missing most of my friends (because they haven't really seemed to move beyond the heavy partying) but am realizing it's time to expand my social circle!

leoandethansmom · September 2014

I agree with all of the pp's but the only thing I have to add is that most of the people who weren't on the same page as I was when I was pregnant with DS have since had kids or are TTC and are slowly coming back into my life. It's like a milestone, once you've crossed into it you're in a new world that others join when they enter it also. Kinda hard to describe but it's a bond that can only be shared with others who can relate. I have also noticed, like others have said, after I had DS I didn't really care who my friends were anymore. Priorities change as your whole world does too.

I remember lying in bed one night when DS was about 3 or 4 months old and looking at him sleeping in the port-a-crib next to my bed just watching him sleep wondering what on earth I used to care about and worry about before he was there. It's a pretty good feeling!

lovelovelove09 · September 2014

I lost a friend of 15 years because she resents me for getting pregnant before her, granted there were a lot of other factors that ended our friendship but that was the last straw. She was so awful to me and after 15 years of friendship, she couldn't just be happy for her "best friend", so I say, not much of a loss.

eta: words-haven't had my coffee yet.

totesmcgoats · September 2014

I tried! I can't figure out how to do it! I kinda gave up. I think my SN is from when I had my knot account ages ago. Any ideas how to change it?

pregnantinstyle · September 2014

I lost a large majority of friends when I was pregnant with my first. I tried to make several attempts to meet with them but it seemed their flakiness was mostly because they didn't want to hang out with me if my son was there. They were the party type and not in serious relationships but I still feel like if they truly are your friend then they wouldn't do something like that. Soon after that I started making new friends and other moms in similar situations like mine. Just remember people do change and women without children might not understand what it's like.

CandEChicago · September 2014

bblo@comcast.net said:
I tried! I can't figure out how to do it! I kinda gave up. I think my SN is from when I had my knot account ages ago. Any ideas how to change it?

Send a PM to BumpJackie

taryn0527 · September 2014

Yes. Yes. Yes. My only friends right now are my dog, my mom, and of course my boyfriend. But to be honest, I'm okay with not getting invited to anything. At least then I don't have to make up excuses as to why I can't make it

feeshah · September 2014

You are not alone. Pregnancy can be kinda lonely if you're the only one in your circle of friends going through it. They get to go out and party and have fun and be all care free and shit.
But like PP said, The true friends will stick around wether you're pregnant or not.

abcmom12 · September 2014

yeah. I found out who my real friends were after I got pregnant. the good ones will stick around and even go out on lunch dates with you and your toddler in tow because they love you

Cryssteen · September 2014

I'm gonna just agree with everyone. Life changes and friendships change along with it. The way my friendships work now is entirely different. There are no "late nights" or "going out drinking" or whatever. We sometimes do dinner, or grab a happy hour drink. Or BRUNCH! Things are just different. We're all tired, we all have houses and husbands and some have dogs and/or kids. We have family responsibilities. Now, friends time is more of a scheduled event. Like, my DH golfs with his friends instead of spending friday and saturday night in the bar. It's just how it goes.

xc1148 · September 2014

I wouldn't just chalk it up to pregnancy, friends come and go no matter the situation. True friends will always stick around, but I will say it's a two-way street.

Before we had kids, we had friends that made a point to invite us over for (early) dinners at their house so we could see their daughter and hang out with them, and they always invited us out to festivals etc on the weekend. They made an effort to invite us out, and we made the effort to trade bars for having dinner at their house.

SerenityAE · September 2014

Right there with you. I've never felt so alone. Everyone used to come hang out with us because we had a boat and were "fun!" Now that we've got a house and focused on the baby, no-one comes around.

I spend a lot of time with the older ladies in our car club now, they are much better company and helpful/encouraging.

My few true friends that are my age are still here for me- my sisters and a couple others- but everyone else is gone. Or act so weird/awkward around me now that I'm preggo that I prefer not hanging out with them.

amieeyoung · September 2014

Maybe my life is sad and dull but outside of work and family I don't have that many close friends. I try and get to the college homecoming once a year (sometimes meet those girls twice a year), and call some friends on the phone and of course FB. I have one that I get together with every couple of months when our work schedules allow. Really though, who has time to go out? If I am not taking care of my 9 yr old, taking him to activities, working, hanging with family then I am cleaning house or hanging with the hubs. I am perfectly content. Maybe if I lived in a more hip place, but this is a rural area so not much opportunity to go out.

At first I suppose it is hard, but after awhile your outlook on life just changes. You keep in touch with the people you truly care about and realize that maybe friendship doesn't mean you have to see each other all the time or go out places, but instead call and text and check in with each other. IDK it is a hard transition. Hang in there and try to not get to upset (hard to do when pregnant I know) things will look up. Often we keep a few old ones, make some new ones and enjoy the home life more.

LadyRoarsome · September 2014

I think this is pretty standard, it sucks, but it happens. You'll find who your true friends are.

Honestly, sometime it sucks but for the most part I don't care, but I don't even really have any friends anymore. A lot of my friends moved away, love alcohol way too much, lie about everything an can't keep their stories straight, or have families of their own and fell off the side of the earth. Oh and there was my best friend who ditched me because clearly I was a dirty whore who wanted to sleep with her bf even though I was in a very serious long term relationship. I'm not going to bend over backwards to keep friendships anymore like I used to.

agsgrrl · September 2014

I had an animation that didn't work but it said what I think. FUCK 'EM

2JEL · September 2014

I think the PPs have given a lot of wisdom and experience about losing or keeping friendships. As a FTM, I've actually started re-prioritizing friendships thinking about "who are the people I most enjoy spending time with and whom I feel will be good role models for my children" as I know that I'm not going to have enough time or energy to keep up as many close friendships as I have in the past. In your case, I'd recommend thinking about which members of your clique are ones you really want to stay in touch with and reaching out to them to make plans before baby comes-- at least some of the time, people assume you are done with them because you're pregnant and will make more of an effort to stay in your life if you communicate to them how much they matter to you.

Separately, I'm not judging anybody on this thread who said that they don't have friends and are happy about it but for the majority of women studied, their long term happiness depends on having some close friendships with other women (strangely, men's happiness is more dependent on friendship with their wives)-- while shedding friendships as you transition through life is normal, it's a great time to make new friendships through birthing classes, parenting classes, mommy & me, MOPS, etc. I found that I am significantly closer now to a couple of friends with toddlers who I asked (informally) to mentor me through this period of life.

brittandjp · September 2014

Unfortunately, it happens. I was 27 when I had DD and it definitely became clear who my true friends were. Some stayed super involved and we remain close. Others have become more distant and a couple pretty much fell off the face of the planet. It sucks, but honestly, you have new priorities and you probably don't want those type of people in your life anyway.

You'll hopefully make new mommy friends (I joined a couple play groups) and it will become the new norm. Feel better, hugs!

shanleynarens · September 2014

I am currently dealing with this as well. I am trying to see it positively, but it hurts nonetheless. I figure they didn't really care about me for real if they can't stick it through and I will find better people soon once I meet some other moms. Until then, thank goodness I have my husband to support me! Good luck on your end

ashleykadlec · September 2014

I know how you are feeling - my husband and I were both 21 when DD was born and we went through the same thing. All of our friends but a handful dropped like flies. It was really hard for me to get through, but it really does show you who your real friends are and who you can rely on when times are tough. Even though we have a few close friends, its still difficult because we are just in a completely different stage of life - especially now that we are expecting our second. I wish I could say the hurt gets easier but, for me it doesn't. I just have to remind myself that I am blessed beyond believe and have such a joy and love that I can't imagine living without, and there is just no way to explain that to someone who hasn't experienced it and so I can't possibly expect them to get it. One day, they will understand! Hang in there - your not alone!

LizaMcCracking · September 2014

Going through this as a FTM as well. But I am confident it is a fair trade. I'm 21 and all my friends are young, love to party and are either single or dating. I'm married and now 27 weeks pregnant.
They don't even talk to me about their love lives or anything anymore. I feel like they kinda purposely exclude me in some matters. But whether they are or I'm just being extreme, I wouldn't trade my life as it is now for those relationships. If they were true they would still be here for me, even though we're on different tracks.
If those people are meant to be in my life then it will work out. If not, I have so much to make me happy.

Want a personalized experience?

Soon to be ftm...and losing my friends

Re: Soon to be ftm...and losing my friends

Choose Another Board

Search Boards