Hi.

sbaz · September 2014

I'm new.
No surprise why I'm here, I suppose. Found out I lost my baby boy at 24 weeks from a cord accident almost a month ago. I had emotional tunnel vision and insisted no one come to the hospital or be around other than my husband. The thought of dealing with anyone else's grief or empathy or support made me exhausted. and irritated. I can't exactly put into words what it is, but--especially that first week--whenever someone got teary or emotional (you know, other family members greiving the loss of their nephew/grandson, etc...which i know is actually super sweet and supportive) it just made me upset. this didn't happen to them afterall. Knew I was being somewhat selfish--both then and now--but i just can't. i just can't. especially hard were the sweet messages of support from my 8 month pregnant sister in law and my freshly post partum sister in law (yup, that's right folks, my husband's sister delivered her full-term live baby the day after we delivered our son. happy for them, but still hurts like a punch in the gut) are/were a double edged sword.

Feel completely blindsided (aren't we all, though?) Saw a beautiful heartbeat and baby kicking on a monday...and on wednesday at a routine appointment it was gone. poof. just like that. and now, almost a month out with life and routine back to normal: jobs and church and dishes and laundry and chasing a toddler (yes, i seriously know how blessed i am. truly. thank you God for giving me a beautiful, healthy almost 2 year old who insists on snuggles and kisses and going down the slide a million times a day. it really does make it all easier. and to all of you ladies who have gone thru this and are still waiting for a baby, my heart goes out to you and breaks even more. stillbirth sucks. can't imagine how much harder it is to deal with w/ no kiddo at home...hope that isn't inappropriate or a trigger or something i'm not supposed to say. not entirely sure what the rules are and truly don't want to make anybody's journey more of a struggle)

It's just, crazy. Life is busy. And you keep chugging along, because what else are you going to do? What else can you do? And it's not like I forget. I couldn't forget if I wanted, too. And I don't wanna forget. I still down a bag of peanut butter m&ms and cry myself to sleep most nights...but those 2 days in the hospital sometimes seem like a bad dream. It's just surreal. Like...could that have really happened? How did I push a baby out 3 weeks ago and I'm back at work smiling and going thru the motions. It seems like life should have stopped. at least for a bit.

Anyway. I've kinda been lurking on your pages a bit. and insomnia being my ever present, evening companion, thought i'd finally post. sorry it was so long and rambling and scattered. is just how my brain has been operating when dealing with the loss--hard to face it head on, ya know

lexusolsen · September 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. My dd was two when we lost out son, Ben, at 27 weeks. How is your older one doing?

sbaz · September 2014

In a lot of ways I don't think our ds really knows what's happened. We had been talking to him about being a big brother and telling him there was a baby in my belly and all the normal stuff, but he never asked questions or did anything without being prompted. he's still not asked about the baby in my belly or anything since Daniel passed. We talked to him briefly about his brother going to heaven, and had him pick out a toy for his brother to put in the box with Daniel's ashes before burying him. So far he seems relatively unphased, which I'm thankful for...how did your dd do with it all? Anything I should be watching for?

stefuge · September 2014

I am so sorry for your loss of Daniel. No one wants to join this club and I'm sorry you find yourself here. Our older son was 3 1/2 when our younger son was born still. We have had both painful and really sweet things happen as he deals with his own grief. There are times when I feel overwhelmed with parenting after a loss, but then at the same time am overwhelmed with the blessing of our older son. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me. Also, I have blogged all about our loss and how we are grieving as a family, and more specifically, how we are helping our older son with his grief, if you are interested (link in my siggy). ((Hugs))

Bgirma · September 2014

I am so so sorry for your loss. We lost our first child, Wesley, at 39 weeks and I can relate to so much of what you've shared. My good friend was due a week before me and ended up having her son, my godson, on the same day as Wesley. It was difficult- it took me two months before I could even talk to my friend and three months before I could meet her son. At this point, 8 months after their birthdays, her son is such a source of joy in our lives. We see him often and love spending time with him but it can sometimes still be hard to see him meet milestones that our son never will. And I still have moments where I think, is this real? Was I really pregnant? It's surreal. It's been devastating for us to lose our first child but I'm so inspired by you mamas with older children- I have so many days where I can barely function and it helps me to think about all of you who have to care for child.

Please take your time and take care of yourself, your husband and your little one as you figure out your new normal. Sending lots of hugs.

CherryPicked · September 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate to the emotional tunnel vision - when you are wrapped up in your own grief it is impossible to deal with anyone else's. ((hugs))

Mel&John2013 · September 2014

*****siggy warning

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know what you mean about feeling so strange about doing "normal" things. It just feels surreal sometimes.

And about not wanting to deal with other people's emotions. My in laws kept telling my husband and I how hard this all was for them and what a hard time they were having. I assume they were trying to tell us in their way that they were hurting too, but I just didn't care or want to deal with their pain. I have my own pain and don't have the energy to comfort them, so I really just wanted them to shut up and keep it to themselves.

I hope that getting your feelings out helps a little, please share here as often as you need to!

OSUWifey09 · September 2014

***SIGGY***

I feel like I could've written your post word for word after my loss - Devon was born sleeping at 34.5 weeks two years ago, and it still feels surreal. Like it didn't happen, even though I certainly know that it did. My immediate family and H were there during my hospital stay, but I didn't take any calls, texts or visits from anyone else for days. Even after Devon's memorial, I went home and hid. It's hard to deal with other people's sympathy sometimes when they have no idea what you're going through.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Daniel but am glad you found us and have been lurking. We're here for you whenever you need us. This is a really sucky position to be in, but we've all (unfortunately) been there and feel the pain right along with you. *hugs*

CheesyPeas · September 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss of Daniel. I lost my daughter, Layla, at 24 weeks just two months ago, and I too have a toddler at home; he'll be 3 next month. I'm still in disbelief half the time; it's seems so surreal that this is actually my life. The rest of the time is spent oscillating between anger, despair, depression, etc.

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with a newborn and soon to be newborn in your immediate family right now. That's so hard. Coworkers, friends, and cousins are all I'm currently having to deal with, and even that is enough to turn me into a crying mess when I see them or think about what they have and I no longer have. ((hugs))

As far as what to watch for in your son, I would say since he didn't have a strong awareness of what your pregnancy meant, it is more a matter of helping him navigate the changes in you and your DH rather than the actual loss of his sibling. Our DS was definitely aware of our loss and talks about his baby sister (we let him meet her and hold her) but still doesn't really grasp the finality of death or anything, so I'm pretty sure the changes in him were more in reaction to being around grieving parents, particularly me since I'm his "preferred" parent for comfort and play, and I just didn't have it in me to be the parent I wanted to be in the first few weeks. I didn't have the strength. I didn't have the patience. I just wanted to break down and be angry and broken when he still very much needed someone to play with him and comfort him and just be normal. He definitely started acting out more. He was more emotional, threw more tantrums, tested us with intentional misbehavior, etc. A lot of it was standard "terrible twos" stuff but it was a noticable uptick in misbehavior. And we just had to watch ourselves in recognizing it was because he was grieving his sister and the change in his parents too and that we shouldn't overreact with trying to correct him and "parent" him but rather just let him go a little bit and support and comfort him.

AshersMom11 · September 2014

I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our baby at 20 weeks due to suspected PPROM. I also have a 3 year little boy at home. I don't think he really understands what happened. We talked to him when I was pregnant that he would be having a little brother or sister, but he hasn't really asked any questions since our loss.

My sister in law also gave birth to a healthy baby girl about six weeks ago. I still haven't seen the baby. I'm not sure when I will be ready to, but everyone has been very understanding. I am very happy for her, but it's just a reminder of what should have been. I totally get where you are coming from in it being a double edged sword. It's a terrible situation that we have all found ourselves in, but this is a great place to vent or get support. We are here whenever you need us.

ETA: spelling

shandorfml2 · September 2014

I'm sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. It's not fair. We're all here for you to lean on, mama ((big hugs)))

msunshine123 · September 2014

I am so sorry for the loss of your son Daniel. It does feel so surreal at times. We lost our 1st son due to a cord accident on the day of delivery. It's true you just feel so blindsided. Life really is so crazy sometimes. Hugs to you and your family.

ikrystal · September 2014

**ticker warning**

I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate to so many things that you mentioned. We lost our twins at 22.5 weeks. The feeling of shock sometimes still comes back to haunt me. The ladies here are wonderful and I know you will find support here.

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