WWYD - Visiting family who smokes

cetrump1123 · September 2014

My husbands family all live about an hour and a half from us. Over the holidays we will typically go up for a holiday meal a weekend close to the holiday to celebrate rather than the day of when we stay local. These visits are usually just day visits and I know I won't mind making the trip and visiting with the new baby. However, they are smokers and smoke in the house. His dad and his wife have mentioned that they have been trying to quit since finding out we were expecting. My own dad smokes so having that habit isn't my problem. What concerns me is that they have always smoked in the house and although I don't know for sure if they still do, I am pretty sure this habit of smoking inside hasn't changed. I don't want to be that daughter-in-law that keeps them from their first and only grandchild, but I don't want her to be in that environment. Even if they say they won't smoke in the house that day it is still in the air and furniture. I mentioned it to my husband before about not wanting to go while pregnant bc of those same concerns and of course he got a little snippy and said I'd be fine for an hour or two. I just don't know how to approach it without being the bad guy and flat out telling him I don't want to go and put our daughter in that environment.

MollyC20 · September 2014

Could you offer to host/ do a pot luck at your house? Be the bad guy and don't feel bad for one second about it. You're the mother and do whatever makes you comfortable/safe for your sweet baby.

krysngreg · September 2014

I was the asshole with my first DH and would be again. It's not by no means at all safe to smoke near a newborn. And my ex and his parents couldn't get it. They would act like they did and then just light up right there, with her in the same room. I just stopped taking her completely. Now that she is older I still hate it. I have some friends who smoke in the house around there two small children. She opens a kitchen window. But still I HATE when DH even mentions going to see them. From what I have read the smoke lingers way to long. And gets more harmful after time. See if maybe they wouldn't mind airing the house out on the cooler mornings or evenings.

trisharenee0316 · September 2014

Smoke and the residue clings to hands, hair, faces, clothing, furniture, etc. It's not very healthy for a newborn.

And on top of that, newborns smell delicious. I'd have a hard time getting back a sweet new baby that smelled like an old bowling alley ashtray.

rae76 · September 2014

I won't go to anyone's house that smokes. I'm allergic to it myself so it's not somewhere I want to be and I won't subject my children's fresh pink lungs to smoke either. I may be a little harsh in refusing to go to places but my uncle died of lung cancer and I can't live with myself knowing that I subjected my kids lungs to the same carcinogens. Yes, I know eventually they will go somewhere and they will be subjected to it but when they are so young I can't knowingly do it.

persephonerose · September 2014

I would not do any visits in their home. If you really want to go to them for holiday visits then start a new tradition of eating out for that holiday.

There is a ton of research out there about first/second hand smoke and even 3rd hand smoke. Find it and show your husband if he balks.

I would also make them wash hands/change clothing if they are smoking right before trying to hold/touch the baby. But this is a HTDO subject for me.

trisharenee0316 · September 2014

krysgreg said:

I was the asshole with my first DH and would be again. It's not by no means at all safe to smoke near a newborn. And my ex and his parents couldn't get it. They would act like they did and then just light up right there, with her in the same room. I just stopped taking her completely. Now that she is older I still hate it. I have some friends who smoke in the house around there two small children. She opens a kitchen window. But still I HATE when DH even mentions going to see them. From what I have read the smoke lingers way to long. And gets more harmful after time. See if maybe they wouldn't mind airing the house out on the cooler mornings or evenings.

But you said yesterday that you smoked pot with your daughter???

You don't have to answer, but I find your posts very confusing.

Back to the OP.

krysngreg · September 2014

trisharenee0316 said:

krysgreg said:

I was the asshole with my first DH and would be again. It's not by no means at all safe to smoke near a newborn. And my ex and his parents couldn't get it. They would act like they did and then just light up right there, with her in the same room. I just stopped taking her completely. Now that she is older I still hate it. I have some friends who smoke in the house around there two small children. She opens a kitchen window. But still I HATE when DH even mentions going to see them. From what I have read the smoke lingers way to long. And gets more harmful after time. See if maybe they wouldn't mind airing the house out on the cooler mornings or evenings.

But you said yesterday that you smoked pot with your daughter???

You don't have to answer, but I find your posts very confusing.

Back to the OP.

Same ex IL were huge hippies. They kept telling me "I did with all three of my children"
It was a mistake I was very young. I changed a lot after DD arrived. She changed my entire life.
Sorry for the confusion.

MrMrsandBaby · September 2014

You need to get your DH on the same page though. If he isn't on board it is going to be a problem.

imagine7696030614 · September 2014

I am probably the most militant anti-smoking person I know. I wouldn't take my baby to a smoker's house and yes, I have probably offended people too. I just don't think it's worth it. I know it's awkward when it comes to family though but they're just going to have to understand. Show your dh this thread and show him the studies then see if the in laws can just come to you. You're the one with the newborn anyway...easier for them to come to you. Good luck!

BBBrady · September 2014

My dad is a smoker. This was a huge concern when I had my dd. When we go there for holidays and to visit, he doesn't smoke in the house for at least a few days before we get there. We always bring a blanket or mat so we don't have to put baby on any surface. I was afraid I was going to have to be a mean daughter, but it has worked out. We still never stay for too long, but he really has tried to make an effort. Now when we are there, it smells like smoke, but faintly. They might surprise you. Of course if they don't, feel free to be the mean one. It's your child and you get to make those decisions.

persephonerose · September 2014

geetargirl05 said:

For those of you who have the same issue, what do you do about the family who smokes holding your baby? Almost all of my husband's side of the family smokes, and this is my main concern.

They have to wash hands/arms, clean shirt that they have not smoked in, no kissing baby anywhere unless they have brushed their teeth and washed face, no putting fingers in babies mouth.

white714 · September 2014

Tell them to smoke outside or you won't go. That's disgusting and very unhealthy for baby-and you! Everyone in my family smokes except me, but none of them smoke in their homes. I gag around them on purpose cause it grosses me out. It's ok to be the bad guy in that situation, especially for your baby's health.

court1703 · September 2014

A couple people in DHs family smoke. They did smoke in there house and we wouldn't go over there. If they wanted to see us they could come over here or go to another family members house that didn't smoke. They moved and only smoke outside now. So we go over there occasionally. My mother also smokes. We don't go see her. She is welcome over here but chooses not to come. (Long story short) you have to do what you feel is best for your family. Luckily my DH is on board with it.

rowanrat · September 2014

I won't be going to my family's annual Thanksgiving or Christmas lunches this year because my aunt smokes inside the home where the events are held. It sucks because I would actually like to visit with everyone and let them see the baby. It's difficult that one person's decision affects so many other people. Anyway, we're planning to do a casual Christmas Eve party with some family and friends at my mom's non-smoking apartment and I'm looking forward to that

cozybluebear · September 2014

My husband's grandmother hosts a huge family Christmas party every year and we refuse to take our son because she smokes in the house. In fact, he's 19 months and has only seen her twice because we don't allow smoking around him. He's never been in my brother's house either for the same reason. My kid's precious pink lungs are more important to me than being judged by my inlaws. Don't feel bad!

Danibellis1992 · September 2014

I would be the ass hole who wouldn't take her to the house unless there was no smoking. The best thing you can do is mention it to your husband how you are feeling an get him to talk to them to see wether they would be smoking in the house. A couple of my friends smoke in there houses and I have just stopped going round because although I was round there and pregnant they still smoked in the house, unfortunately that's how it's had to go because I don't want to be in smoky environments causeing harm to my baby when I don't smoke myself and even when my baby is born I know that he will not be in smokey environments cause it's not fair on him. Do what you feel is right xx

archi35 · September 2014

cozybluebear said:

My husband's grandmother hosts a huge family Christmas party every year and we refuse to take our son because she smokes in the house. In fact, he's 19 months and has only seen her twice because we don't allow smoking around him. He's never been in my brother's house either for the same reason. My kid's precious pink lungs are more important to me than being judged by my inlaws. Don't feel bad!

This for me too. Other people's choices are their choices and yours are yours. They don't HAVE to smoke, they choose to smoke. You don't have to have your kid be around other people's decisions if you don't want. I wouldn't.

megaroo64 · September 2014

I am the jerk that won't let my son be at my FILs for the same reason. Fortunately, after we showed up there on Christmas when I was pregnant and basically walked in to a cloud of marijuana and cigarette smoke (he knew we were coming), my H was completely on board too. B has never been in his home and never will. He doesn't drive, so it is a huge pain in the ass, as we have to go get him and being him to our house for visits and holidays, but it is absolutely worth it to both of us. Do some research- give your husband some facts and try to convince him as well, preferably way before the holidays to get alternate plans in place (like you host, or meet half way at a reataurant).

asarem93 · September 2014

We haven't seen my in laws since I got pregnant because they refuse to not smoke while I'm in the house. I'm definitely not taking my child into that environment. It sounds like at least your in laws are trying. I still wouldn't want my new baby in a house where they smoke regularly. Maybe ask them to go to lunch with you somewhere else?

staryb · September 2014

I'm concerned about this too. My mom smokes but I really don't want to keep her from seeing her granddaughter. She doesn't smoke in the house, which helps, but she is still smoking around me and so far I haven't felt comfortable telling her to stop. I grew up with both of my parents smoking around me and my mom has admitted to smoking while pregnant so I'm sure she sees no problem with it but I don't want it around my baby. DH is just as concerned about it and I worry that it will become a problem. Even if she goes outside to smoke it's still on her clothes and who's watching LO while she's outside if we ever let her babysit?

Smokers are so stubborn and don't tend to see why their habit bothers/hurts others, it's so frustrating! I feel bad for all of the family members who don't smoke at upcoming gatherings who wont get to see everyone's LOs because of one or two smokers who wont compromise

MuffinMom14 · September 2014

I received a baby shower gift that REEKED of smoke. Threw it away. So. If I wasn't going to have that in my house, I'm certainly not taking my baby TO the house.

Jbunny100 · September 2014

I also say be an asshole. I would not be okay with putting my newborn in a house with smoke or around people when smoking. There are a lot of articles on SIDS that show proof of smoke residue on clothing or in the house being a contributor to SIDS. I suggest showing that to your DH next time he wants to get snippy with you. Just remember, you've been carrying this child around with you for 9 grueling months and you have every right to say you are not comfortable having your child around them with smoking or in the house, or even if they have been smoking in their clothes. You are the mother and your priority is keeping that baby healthy.

hermanavelasquez · September 2014

There is nothing more serious than your baby's health. Have you shared your thoughts about this topic with your in-laws?
Try to find a moment when they mention visits to their house and express your thoughts with them, tell them that you want to take your baby there but you are concerned about this topic regarding to your baby's health. Maybe they would feel offended (or they could get to an agreement, as they are already looking for a solution), but anyway they will know your point of view and that you have strong reasons to not taking your baby there and they will have to respect that.

Thewizardofrhythm · September 2014

First of all, no is an "asshole" or a "jerk" for protecting their child or themselves from something that can harm them-whatever it is. If people around you make selfish choices that put you at risk, at the very least, you stating your position is more than fair. If they then choose to continue making a choice that harms you. Well, then, you have to make a choice as well. These things are tough because family obligations and confusion over who to love gets in the way. Good luck.

serenbach · September 2014

It's a tricky one, I remember a year or so ago me and my partner were babysitting my 3 year old nephew and we popped into his dads house and him and his partner lit up a cigarette and didn't even bat an eye lid at the 3 year old, so I made our excuses and we left!

They've since moved house and have a new rule that they 'only smoke in the kitchen' nothing to do with me being pregnant with their first grandchild just because it's a new house, I haven't discussed it yet with my partner but I'm not comfortable at all with visiting with a newborn or a child of any age for that matter. It frustrates me because my parents are very involved with my brothers kids and often have them for sleepovers and I imagine it will be the same with ours when he's a bit older but I won't be allowing him to go to spend the night at the in laws smoke ridden house! It's sad because they'll miss out on so much just because they are heavy smokers but it's their choice I guess!

PC0909 · September 2014

DH and I walked out on Christmas day while I was pregnant because MIL was smoking in the house. She got the hint real fast that if she wants to see her grandkid she had to stop. She quit smoking, and now babysits so I can go to work. I can still smell the residual chemicals on LO's clothes when he comes home, but I don't have any other options at this point. I was just happy she stopped smoking.

Want a personalized experience?

WWYD - Visiting family who smokes

Re: WWYD - Visiting family who smokes

Choose Another Board

Search Boards