The Death of a Baby

shellybean3788 · September 2014

My family and I are reeling today after the loss of my 1-day-old cousin. He was born in a hospital on September 2nd, and died September 3rd due to unknown causes, at which point his body was sent off for autopsy. Results are in, and it turns out he was perfectly healthy with no problems except that he had an extremely high amount of morphine in his body at the time of his death.

Since the autopsy, we've found out that the mother was given morphine during labor on top of her epidural, and she and the baby had a reaction to it. She was rushed for an emergency C-section, and afterward the baby was given no anti-opiate medication to counteract the effects of the morphine. He was also not sent to the NICU. He died later that night, still in the hospital, in his basinet while his mother slept.

I'm 20 weeks pregnant, planning a home birth with a midwife. I've often heard stories about negligence and unnecessary interventions/whatnot in hospitals, but this is one of those things you think will never happen to you or yours until it does. As I sit here, knowing that the baby's body is currently being sent off to a lab in Atlanta for criminal investigation, I can't help being overwhelmed with paralyzing fear. Fear of being transferred, fear of my baby dying, and as I think these selfish thoughts, I have an overwhelming sense of guilt. How can I think of my own baby at a time like this!?

I can't help but wonder how I could protect my own baby in the event that I have to transfer. It seems strange that I've developed such a phobia of going to the hospital to give birth, when most women have the opposite fear and wonder how on earth any sane person could give birth at home. I have no idea how to react, or what to say, and now I have to decide if I can put on my black dress and go up there to this funeral and see that dead baby, and carry that image to my own birth. But how can I not? No one would ever understand, and it wouldn't be right not to go.

Sorry this was so lengthy, and I did also post this on the Natural Birth board under the same name (so you don't see it twice).

JaymeeLH · September 2014

I am so sorry beyond words for your family's loss. Unfortunately this was a freak accident and a case of gross negligence on the hospitals part. I think the most important thing to remember if you do need an emergency transfer is that you need to be an active participant in your care, speak up if a procedure raises red flags for you. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers as you deal with the death of this precious angel, fingers crossed for quick emotional healing for all

ap0wer · September 2014

I have no real advice, but I am so sorry for your family's loss... Devastating. Thoughts going out to you and your family, and especially the precious baby's parents. Hugs.

minirella · September 2014

I'm sorry

Did the mother know she was allergic to morphine?

shellybean3788 · September 2014

I don't believe she did, but it's hard to say. I haven't spoken to her and she isn't exactly responsive, anyway. I can only hope they wouldn't have given it to her if the allergy was on her chart.

dottedwhearts777 · September 2014

Very tragic story.

It would probably really upset a women who just lost a one-day-old, to see a pregnant women.

Very hard situation. Because, I agree that you shouldn't pass up going.

PrimRoseMama · September 2014

A) I'm sorry for the loss of this baby

I am disgusted that you are choosing this tragic family event to get up on your soap box about any hospital birth. There could be any freak thing happen at home too.

All birth is risky. Home birth or hospital birth. Odds are the mom or the doctors didn't know about the allergy. It may have been a freak thing. Either way it's inappropriate to take this tragedy & turn it into some hand-wringing post about you, your fears & biases against hospital births.

I've done med-free birth & medicated birth. Each has their risks. Was the hospital at fault? I am not sure but it's gross to try to take this incident & make it part of your agenda.

C'mon man!

PrimRoseMama · September 2014

Also, do not go to the funeral. Your very presence will be inflammatory. Send a card & freeze a meal to send over. Please don't subject the grieving mother to seeing a very pregnant woman at her baby's funeral.

I can't express this enough: you are taking someone else's horrific event & turning into an all-about-you Fest. Look outside yourself. Geez.

minirella · September 2014

This is a hard one because as family I think it might be hurtful for you not to pay your respects but I also understand the perspective of the other ladies.

You are only 20w, I don't know if you are showing or not. Plus, the mother may not be there the entire time during visitation depending on her state. Maybe consult your uncle.

Empireceo · September 2014

Oh lord. I've had one hospital and one home birth. This is absolutely not the situation to bring up your feelings/beliefs about either one. FFS, this tragedy is not about you.

BabyBsOven · September 2014

First, I am so sorry for your family's loss. It is so tragic when freak things happen because there are never enough answers. I don't blame you for making this "about you" when in reality you are just being empathetic, thinking about how you would feel if you were in those shoes. Its a perfectly human reaction and you shouldn't feel bad about it.

Second, to the women bashing on this thread...I always love these kind of responses that are all "this is so not appropriate, just go away, etc." Its always the same women that say "this is the interwebz and I will post whatever I want wherever I want, you can't tell me what to do." You appropriately titled the thread, which I almost didn't open because I knew exactly what it was about. If someone doesn't want to read it, they don't have to open it because the title is not vague in any way.

Third, I second what a lot of ladies say about attending the funeral. You may want to check with family before attending because the feelings of the Mother and Father are the most important right now and need to be respected. I say check with family because they may feel slighted if you don't go and they want you to or they may find it hard to see a pregnant woman while they are grieving. You need to find out which is more likely before making a decision.

PrimRoseMama · September 2014

@BabyBsOven‌ : this is NOT empathy at ALL. There is "let me use this tragedy to push an anti hospital birth agenda & then omg I feel so bad. What about my birth & such?!"

It's not about OP. I heard no consideration for the mother that actually lost her child. Just "what if it happens to me? & I have to go to this funeral because me me me."

Seriously, if you think this is empathy you need your head examined.

PrimRoseMama · September 2014

Also: @BabyBsOven‌ : OP can post whatever she likes. It doesn't make it right, appropriate & unable to be flamed. She can post this as long as it doesn't violate TOU. That doesn't mean anyone is prohibited from telling her how disgusting it is to AW someone else's tragedy for her own birthing agenda AND to AW herself and HER feelings.

I'm not sure this is the post you want to white knight. :-??

shellybean3788 · September 2014

I suppose it seems like I'm basing my fear (I believe I actually called it a phobia) of hospital birth off of a list of medical facts which can be found in a study. I'm sorry if I didn't make it clear, but my fear of hospital birth comes from personal experience, and not really any type of belief system. 10 years ago, my sister did very badly during a hospital birth and had to have an emergency C-section. Last year, a good friend of mine had an epidural go terribly wrong, and she still has headaches.

I would never suggest that having a hospital birth is "wrong," I just think I've had really bad luck with the experiences I personally have been exposed to. I know that most mothers come out just fine, in all types of birth. My fear is purely personal. I'm sorry if it came off that I was getting on a soap box about "beliefs." I am of the opinion that fears do not = beliefs.

One thing I realize about posting on boards like this is that it can be difficult for strangers to interpret exactly what you mean based off black letters on a white screen. I apologize if I did as bad of a job as it seems I did writing that post. If I thought someone was using a death to forward some type of political campaign or awareness for veganism, or something like that, I would be pretty pissed too, and I can see why many would've thought that.

I believe that my cousin died due to negligence, and I'm aware that negligence occurs in any/all types of birth. I have a firefighter friend who ran on a stillbirth caused by a midwife and home birthing mother who refused to transfer to a hospital during an extremely long and unusual labor. He became very upset telling me the story, and said that the first time he was called out, he told them they needed to transfer. The second time, it was to get the body. Negligence is negligence, no matter where it happens.

I think that fear of something happening to your baby is possibly something one should keep to themselves, especially on a website full of pregnant women. Once again, I apologize to anyone who was offended by what they perceived as propaganda. It was not my intent.

shellybean3788 · September 2014

kyliedaniellexx said:

I am sorry for the loss of your family.

But where in the fresh hell do you get off coming onto a board of (mostly) pregnant women and trying to fear-monger hospital births? There's nothing "safer" about a home birth than a hospital one. In many cases they are riskier. This is coming from someone who would prefer a home birth but can't have one for a plethora of reasons.

It's normal to think "what if it happened to me" in tragic situations, especially those close to home that we can relate to. If you are "paralyzed with fear" and "overwhelmed with guilt" you need to speak to a therapist about these feelings. As someone who has previously stated on these boards you work in mental health care - to some degree - I fail to see how you cannot realize this is not rational behaviour.

Now for the love of all things holy, step off.

I've never stated that I work in mental health care. I'm a paralegal. I'm afraid you have me confused with someone else.

BurdyGurl · September 2014

My heart is in my throat on this

What a horrible & tragic loss all around. Prayers to the parents of this poor baby.

I can see both sides of this comment divide.... OP is very clear in one thing: sadness. I would agree that maybe before posting some thought should have been given to those on the board who would reward this & take it negatively? That it can be read as though a tragedy is being used to further an agenda. BUT it was properly titled & yes we do all have the choice to read or not read. (& of course anyone posting here knows that anything can be ripped to shreds very quickly) Also, we as a group should realize that everyone deals with grief & overwhelming sadness differently... maybe OP was thinking she was 'helping others' with her thoughts? I'm not sure. I'm NOT trying to bash either side of it, just make some sense in my own head. Like I said, I can see both sides...& a lot of anger in some of the posts which I'd think is normal as none of us want to think of 'worst case scenario' stuff do we?

Regardless of the divide amongst posters I'd hope we can all agree on one thing:

This was tragic & NO parent should out live their child & experience that type of loss or grief

Thoughts & prayers to the sweet sleeping angel

nikkitaplin · September 2014

I didn't read the other comments but I can tell you, from personal experience that there is NOTHING you can do but carry all these thoughts with you. It's OK to feel selfish, worried, anxious, scared, worried, mad, glad (that you are still pregnant and not having problems). I lost a baby at 19 weeks last August. I'm currently pregnant again...I'm almost 21 weeks. I feel guilty that I made it this far with this one but not with the other. I have felt like I am 'replacing' the baby I have lost. I am mad that we lost our first one....but at the same time, I'm so thankful I have made it this far. What happened to your cousin is tragic and a horrible mistake...it's ok to be sad for your family and happy for yourself. Those are natural steps to accepting and healing. We cremated our son and had a memorial with lanterns being sent up in the sky. Going to a funeral is to help with closure for you and support for your family. If you go, it's ok to sit in the back and not go up to the casket. It's also ok if you decide you can't go. I'm sure your family would understand. Not everyone deals with death the same way. Just know that what happened isn't an 'every day thing'. I think it's great that you want to do a home birth! If you have complications and go to the hospital, that doesn't mean the same will happen to you. Lots of prayers for you and your family! Just remember that it's ok to cry, get mad, be sad and move on-being excited for your own baby. Birth in general is a scary time....this will be my fourth delivery and I'm still anxious about it. I hope you can find peace and comfort. Prayers to you.

BabyBsOven · September 2014

PrimRoseMama said:

@BabyBsOven‌ : this is NOT empathy at ALL. There is "let me use this tragedy to push an anti hospital birth agenda & then omg I feel so bad. What about my birth & such?!" It's not about OP. I heard no consideration for the mother that actually lost her child. Just "what if it happens to me? & I have to go to this funeral because me me me." Seriously, if you think this is empathy you need your head examined.

Im not trying to white knight anything. Im responding to some comments on here. It absolutely is empathy. OP specifically said "Fear of being transferred, fear of my baby dying, and as I think these selfish thoughts, I have an overwhelming sense of guilt. How can I think of my own baby at a time like this!?"

On top of sadness, OP expressed guilt for thinking about herself. I am sorry but I think the same things sometimes. When I hear about a child in a hot car death, I first think "poor baby" and then "OMG, I would be devastated. How could I prevent this happening to my child? What would I have done? How would I have felt?" and it could come off as me-me-me if I said it out loud. Its a natural reaction.

Anyway, OP stepped back in and clarified things very well so I don't think I need to put any more words in her mouth or try to interpret anything she said.

PrimRoseMama · September 2014

BabyBsOven said:

PrimRoseMama said:

@BabyBsOven‌ : this is NOT empathy at ALL. There is "let me use this tragedy to push an anti hospital birth agenda & then omg I feel so bad. What about my birth & such?!"

It's not about OP. I heard no consideration for the mother that actually lost her child. Just "what if it happens to me? & I have to go to this funeral because me me me."

Seriously, if you think this is empathy you need your head examined.

Im not trying to white knight anything. Im responding to some comments on here. It absolutely is empathy. OP specifically said "Fear of being transferred, fear of my baby dying, and as I think these selfish thoughts, I have an overwhelming sense of guilt. How can I think of my own baby at a time like this!?"

On top of sadness, OP expressed guilt for thinking about herself. I am sorry but I think the same things sometimes. When I hear about a child in a hot car death, I first think "poor baby" and then "OMG, I would be devastated. How could I prevent this happening to my child? What would I have done? How would I have felt?" and it could come off as me-me-me if I said it out loud. Its a natural reaction.

Anyway, OP stepped back in and clarified things very well so I don't think I need to put any more words in her mouth or try to interpret anything she said.

This is by definition white knighting...

BabyBsOven · September 2014

So disagreeing with you is white knighting? Okay, Im white knighting then.

PrimRoseMama · September 2014

BabyBsOven said:
So disagreeing with you is white knighting? Okay, Im white knighting then.

You can disagree with me but you are defending some really gross actions. OP's "clarification" really wasn't that great.

:-??

I think you are confused about what white knight means...

"In forum parlance, it means rushing to the aid of another poster for whatever reason. An accusation typically reserved for when a poster is being hammered by another poster(s) and the accused leaps in to defend them, usually without thinking things through as to why the person is being attacked."

Plenty of people disagree with me without defending someone using another's tragedy to AW.

allrightmeow · September 2014

Im so heart broken for your cousin. That is something no parent should ever have to experience.

sandrabrooke · September 2014

I am just so sorry for the moms loss. I can see both sides in this situation and I think I can understand why OP sees hospital births as unsafe now. End of the day, this is just a bad freak accident.

Bruton8288 · September 2014

I am sorry for your family loss. I would suggest for you not to go to that funeral. I know you want to be there for support but when I loss my baby I wouldn't want anyone near me not to mention a pregnant woman. That's just a blow to the gut. Just like another person here suggested send a card, flowers, a frozen meal will help. That mother is in a numbing stage, a shock & will forever live with this for the rest of her life. Not everyone has the option to have a home birth, I, myself am a high risk patient. Had all preemies, a stillbirth & Lupus. And BTW the way you referred to her son as "that dead baby" is hurtful & disgusting. Call him by his name. You are scared to carry the image of that sweet baby in your head now imagine the hundreds of women who have to carry with them the image of their stillborn son/daughter for their rest of their lives. Every pregnancy has it's risk, not everyone want to admit it.

Empireceo · September 2014

theresat858 said:

sandrabrooke said:

I am just so sorry for the moms loss. I can see both sides in this situation and I think I can understand why OP sees hospital births as unsafe now. End of the day, this is just a bad freak accident.

This, although the data shows that neonatal mortality is three times higher among home births than hospital births. So it is a matter of bias for OP, but not actually supported by fact.

Depending on which study you are quoting, this is not actually true. Many studies that compare the two count ANY out of hospital birth as a home birth, including unplanned home births, unassisted births and sometimes even late miscarriages. Studies that compare hospital births vs. planned home births attended by CNMs show very similar neonatal and maternal mortality rates.

I still don't think OP should be making this tragedy about her or her birthing preferences.

jneden · September 2014

That is so awful!!! I'm so sorry for your family's loss!!

The Death of a Baby

Re: The Death of a Baby

LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:

LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:

LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:

LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:

LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:

LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:

Choose Another Board

Search Boards