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February 2013 Moms
SummerLove21
member
Touche, DH
SummerLove21
member
DH told our marriage counselor last night that I don't do enough around the house, that our weekends are ruined because he has to pick up all my slack, and then I complain about not doing anything on the weekends.
:-O
1. I didn't know cooking, cleaning, laundry, making sure the dog gets walked daily, grocery shopping, Target shopping, picking up toys on repeat, and making sure our child is fed, entertained, kept safe, and generally cared for wasn't enough, let alone doing it all while in third trimester, and increasing my workload because apparently his affection towards me is dependent on the dishes being done daily. You have to do the vacuuming and trim the trees in the backyard on occasion (because our HOA pays to have our front yards kept for us)? You have to clean the shower and tub because I can't be around our household cleaners and you refuse to use safer alternatives? Well, f me then.
2. I haven't complained about not doing anything on the weekends my whole pregnancy. You know why? Because I am f-ing tired from the week. I couldn't care less.
3. I didn't know that we weren't doing things on weekends because you were working so hard to make up for my shortcomings. I was pretty sure it was because you were watching Flip or Flop marathons on HGTV all day.
W
T
F
X(
Of course, I didn't say anything because I was so blown away by what he was saying that I just sort of dumbly nodded when the counselor suggested that I be "more involved." But now...I am sitting on my ass while the baby sleeps, eating Oreos and watching Top Chef on iTunes. Because if I am going to get complained about, I might as well enjoy my alleged laziness.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Touche, DH
Sorry he is saying that, it seems like he has no idea how much you actually do because he's too busy watching tv to notice.
Thanks, y'all. I had to get it off my chest or I was going to explode into sobbing hysteria.
I had the thought of getting back into the therapist, but she only works Wednesdays and Thursdays and our appointment is Thursday night, so it's not really worth it. I'm planning on talking to him about it tonight or tomorrow (we're supposed to go pick out paint tonight...gah), because at some point, we're going to have to hash out our own issues without the help of a skilled counselor at $100/hour.
The thing is, I know the why and the where of all of this. If he is asked point-blank, DH will say he has seen more effort on my part in everything I've been asked to do in counseling - giving him appropriate space, not talking to him like one would talk to a girlfriend (as in, giving every little detail imaginable and overwhelming him), and contributing more around the house, to name a few. And I appreciate that. The problem is, he has this laundry list of items from the past eight years that I have done with or without knowing (mostly without) that he has never brought up until now and is still horribly hung up on. In short, he can't get over all of these minor affronts (many of them perceived and not actual) and they have built on each other and simmered for eight years and now he needs to get all of them out. Whereas, I'm trying to look at the state of our relationship now, where the problems are that we can fix now, and how we can move forward being better and resolving ongoing issues. He just wants to whine. When I pointed this out to him (at home), he admitted to as much and actually asked me where my laundry list was - why wasn't I bringing up all eight years of complaints I must have? I told him I didn't have a list; yes, some things built up, but the individual things I let go of. I don't remember 98% of the bad stuff, so I don't have a list to give. He was baffled.
So yes, we are both showing improvement, but he's still hung up on old stuff, which is where the OP comments come from. He can't focus on the now because he's so used to living in the past and adding to the list. But it really makes me unmotivated to continue to try. There's no recognition of it, so what exactly am I getting in return? His big contribution to this point is pretending to be interested in what I am talking about and asking follow-up questions (with the idea that eventually it will become natural...I'm not sold yet but we'll see).
Anyway, thanks for letting me vent and having my back. Two steps forward, one step back, as they say.
To be fair, the counselor did point out that DH has never been pregnant, so he doesn't understand what it is to be at this point and do everything I do (she's a woman and a mother herself). And I could have responded, but I shut down. I just couldn't even think straight, because it was so hurtful and insulting and unfounded. And I'm crazy hormonal this week so I was already in tears; getting into it was just going to lead to hysterics and I knew it, so I just let it happen. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did. I appreciate the ladies here understanding the amount of work that I actually do!
ETA: DH just thinks that the coaching job is a vanity project. He would much rather I didn't do it at all so he wouldn't have to hear about it and I would spend more time with DS. One nice thing about today: one of my former cheerleaders sent me a PM on Facebook thanking me for coaching her and letting me know she is trying out of a college team this weekend. She actually said she wouldn't have had the courage to do it without me coaching her in high school. It was incredibly touching. I sent it to DH so hopefully, he starts to "get it" a little bit more.