Bed rest at 33 weeks and MIL Oversteps

Tater4955 · September 2014

I am currently 31 weeks in my 3rd pregnancy but am going on bed rest at 33 weeks. I was receiving progesterone injections, however the compounded version is no longer available. I do not have any other options, especially since I was already 50% effaced at 30 weeks. My MIL is going to come and help with my 3yr old and 18mo old for a few weeks but she oversteps. Since I've had children, MIL acts as though I am incapable of being a good mother, she does not enforce rules that we have in our home, and says she can spoil because that's gma's job. She treats our kids as though she is the mother, and I can't take it anymore, she even refers to herself as momma quite often. Our kids get so off their schedules and forget we have rules when she comes here. She also does all household chores half a$$ed and wastes paper products and water like crazy. We cant afford this since I'm no longer able to have income. How on earth do I not get depressed about this whole situation?? I can't stand giving up my Momma title and handing it over to her, especially for a long period of time. Please any advice or positive thoughts!

Beevol · September 2014

emmyg65 said:

Have your husband talk with her and set up some ground rules before she comes. If she isn't open to that, perhaps she's not the best person to help you right now.

@emmy65 is so right.

If having her around will stress you out and depress you, then have DH suck it up and be the full-time parent (I'm assuming that you're not a SAHM and that you have daytime childcare because you mention the loss of your income). Yes, two toddlers are a lot of work for one parent, but lots of single-moms I know have done it and soon you'll have the new baby and be tied up with breastfeeding/etc, so he might as well get used to being out-numbered now.

mb314 · September 2014

In my opinion, you have two options: A) don't have your MIL come over and help or

let some stuff go and talk to her about the stuff that is most important. You can't expect someone to care for your children/clean/cook exactly as you would. If they're taking the time to help you out, you need to relax on some things and let her do them without freaking out that it's not the way you would do them.

For me, keeping the kids' routine and house rules would be a priority - you could maybe relax on some things, but kids do need consistency and if she's there for several weeks, you don't want to lose what you've established (if she was just there for a day - I would agree with her that grandmas can spoil kids). Things like how she cleans and how much water/paper towels she uses is less of a big deal and something you need to let go if you want free help around the house. Is two or 3 extra rolls of paper towels really going to break your budget?

bohemianlc · September 2014

IMO, there's not a whole lot you can do if she doesn't clean as well as you would or uses more water or paper products than you would. She's going out of her way to help your family during a tough time, so I don't think you can really critique her cleaning methods. I'm a neat freak and understand the desire to keep things clean, but no one is going to die if she doesn't do an amazing job and your house is less than immaculate for the remaining seven weeks of your pregnancy. If you notice that something absolutely needs to be cleaned better after she has done it, you could always discreetly tell your DH and he could take care of finishing the job.

Personally, I would find my MIL's assistance to be more stressful than helpful just because of who she is and who I am. I know I would likely end up hating her by the end of the seven weeks or saying something ridiculous and mean because she frustrates me even when I don't have to see her all the time! From what you have said, it sounds like you may be unable to handle her presence for such a prolonged period of time. If having your MIL there is going to extremely elevate your stress level, you may want to consider finding someone else to help or working out some sort of schedule with your children that works with your husband's work hours. I understand that might not be ideal, but you have to be realistic with what you can take.

If you feel like you absolutely need her assistance, I would let the cleaning concerns go. It would be helpful for you and your DH to have a heart-to-heart with her about the importance of maintaining the kids' normal schedules during her stay. Instead of criticizing how she has handled things in the past, try to focus on how much life is changing for them and how important you consider it to be to maintain the normalcy of their daily lives. If you feel that she can't realistically go along with that, it may not be a good idea to have her there.

CubanPinky · September 2014

i feel you...my mother was like that even before i got preggers now with baby #3. i was a single mom of 2 and aside from always getting the "DONT HAVE ANY MORE BABIES UNLESS YOUR MARRIED" crap...she would take over. i wanted to be a great single mom for my kids by enforcing standards, rules and regulations..but her spoiling my kids actually backfired on her later down the road. i allowed it to a extent due to her allowing me n my kids to move in and helping financially. but currently my kids "run all over her" and listen more to me and my current boyfriend bc they see the difference. They see how with grandma they can do what they want, but stuff doesnt get done..then mommy (me) gets on them about listening to what me and my bf say first. she has since really slowed down and told us to step up in being parents. Which we did have always done..but with this baby she literally said she will be doing minimal work due to my 9 yr old and 5 yr old basically showing her how the spoildness can create a monster

Tater4955 · September 2014

Here's a little bit of my story to maybe explain myself better. I am a SAHM however I do provide a small in home daycare at my house. I will no longer be able to care for other children once on bedrest. We are struggling financially as we are drowning in medical bill. Both of my kids have inherited a blood disorder from my husband, and my son has a more severe case. We are in fact meeting with a surgeon later this month to discuss surgery for my 3yr old. We are trying to sell one of our vehicles to help make cuts. Ontop of the health care needs of my children, we live 900miles away from all of our family and friends, leaving us completely stuck. My husband is in the construction field and has late nights and even works Saturdays, leaving me with most of the duties at home, he's good about taking over with kids when he is home. I can totally let go of my house being clean, heck I can't keep it spotless most of the time. I am just super concerned about the structure and stability for our kiddos. Last time she came to visit for a week it was awful getting the kids back in line and on schedule. I appreciate her help. I do need to once again explain the importance of the way we run our household (kids) as she is in our home and it truly stresses me to the point of craving some wine. My husband does not have the greatest or most open relationship with his mother which leaves me to enforce things with her. However he is realizing that this situation is a bit more important for him to stand up and speak to her as well. We will not know if this baby will have inherited the blood disorder until baby is born, which makes the stress of keeping baby cooking much longer. My own mother has expressed she hopes to come stay to relieve my MIL and help us out, she was originally planning to come 2wjs before due date. Not everyone is made of money and able to miss work for travel and such. A rock in a hard place here. I appreciate the feedback and realize the importance of expressing concerns to my MIL

trebekastan · September 2014

I think the only thing you can do in this case is to try to appeal to her mothering instincts. Talk to her about how important it was for HER to raise her kids in a structured environment and how she would have felt if her MIL had tried to deviate from her wishes. Other than that, there isn't much you can do besides clean up the aftermath. It is only 2 more months, so in reality, she can't irrevocably harm your children. Most she can do is just make your life a little more temporarily chaotic once she leaves.

PrimRoseMama · September 2014

Hire different help. Where is your husband in all this?

My MIL sucks & she only begrudgingly listens to us about house rules. This is a husband problem.

Unknown · September 2014

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