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How do you handle...

cooperme2871cooperme2871 member
in Special Needs
when a stranger comments on your child? When someone asks how old my DS is, and I tell them he's 14 months, I get "oh I bet he's getting into everything!" or "is he walking yet?" It's heartbreaking. No, he's not walking. He's not even crawling. How do you respond when someone doesn't know what is going on? how do you let it not tear you down? I'm typically okay at home, and then we leave the house and I get asked that question or I see a child his age doing so much more than he does, and it hurts.
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Re: How do you handle...

  • Kendrav4Kendrav4 member
    Its hard and very hurtful. Right now when people ask about my son I feel like I need to justify his behavior or lack of communication skills by saying "he has such and such dx." I'm tying to figure out how to handle it with out getting offended or getting upset, but will probably do what PP said and keep my answes vague and simple
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  • CaptainSeriousCaptainSerious member
    edited September 2014
    I have the opposite, everyone comments on how tall/big M is. It's yet another thing he'd self conscious about, and everyone who meets him or hasn't seen him for a while exclaims about how big he is/has gotten.

    I usually just smile and say, "Yup. He's big." And then turn the conversation back around to something he's really into or excels at.

    I find that changing the topic to one that let's you brag about your child or focus on their amazing qualities is a great way to direct the conversation away from the uncomfortable and to something that gives the commenter a footing into other, more positive small talk.
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  • funchickenfunchicken member
    -auntie- said:
    You've gotten some really good advice already.

    Thicker skin is useful and tends to develop over time. 

    Older kids are easier because folks are less compelled to talk about older kids unless they have their own. Babies are sort of public property. But then it's harder because older kids are listeing and you have the challenge of maintaining boundaries without them feeling shamed. 

    DS looks considerably younger than he is which isn't even a "special needs" thing. A couple months ago he and I happened to be at the grocery store together and the clerk made some reference to DS going back to high school. He said he was in college and almost 21 and the whole time she's carrying on that she didn't believe him. I mean WTF? I'm just trying to get some bread and milk here. He handled it pretty well- he told her nobody in our family looks their real age and told the woman I was 60 and didn't I "look great for my age".
    Awesome response! People are crazy. My 25 year old sister was at Walgreens one time looking for a card, and a woman walked up to her and asked if she could get her opinion on a birthday card for her grandson because she needed a teenage boy's perspective. 
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  • funchickenfunchicken member
    fredalina said:
    -auntie- said:
    You've gotten some really good advice already.

    Thicker skin is useful and tends to develop over time. 

    Older kids are easier because folks are less compelled to talk about older kids unless they have their own. Babies are sort of public property. But then it's harder because older kids are listeing and you have the challenge of maintaining boundaries without them feeling shamed. 

    DS looks considerably younger than he is which isn't even a "special needs" thing. A couple months ago he and I happened to be at the grocery store together and the clerk made some reference to DS going back to high school. He said he was in college and almost 21 and the whole time she's carrying on that she didn't believe him. I mean WTF? I'm just trying to get some bread and milk here. He handled it pretty well- he told her nobody in our family looks their real age and told the woman I was 60 and didn't I "look great for my age".
    Awesome response! People are crazy. My 25 year old sister was at Walgreens one time looking for a card, and a woman walked up to her and asked if she could get her opinion on a birthday card for her grandson because she needed a teenage boy's perspective. 
    Holy ouch!
    She had a pixie cut, but she definitely doesn't look like a boy :)
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  • CaptainSeriousCaptainSerious member
    crunchymama11 said:
    **Lurker coming in**

    I am struggling with this as well. My DD1 is so tall- she's 3 and the size of a 5yo- and so everyone expects her to act like she's older. And she's behind in speech so people ask her all kinds of questions that she can't answer and then they give me a quizzical look. I then get defensive and say "Oh she just turned 3 and is a little behind in speech" and then the comments about how tall she is start.


    I completely relate.  You've described my life.  M is 11 and in 5th grade (not 6th, with most 11 year-olds).  He towers over his classmates.  People comment on his size all the time, and expect him to act so much older. The other day, someone asked him if he was in high school.  When he can't hold up his side of the conversation or behave the way they expect, they feel as if he's rude or has poor manners.  The kid is just learning social norms, and my heart breaks for him sometimes.

    That being said, we console ourselves (and him) by acknowledging that it won't always be this way.  He's big for his age now, but his growing has slowed down, and he's likely to only grow another inch or two, so in a few years, he'll be average, and by the time he's actually in high school, he'll likely be one of the shorter kids in his class.  We just have to get through the momment.
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  • PipSqueak0313PipSqueak0313 member
    Ds1 informed me a few months after ds2 was born that I was not allowed to leave ds2 with him and step away (like to use the restroom) when we were in public places due to the number of people that gave him rude glares and comments over being a 16 year old with a newborn. I haven't gotten rude comments about ds2's disability yet, but I know the day is coming. Another thing that bugs me is when strangers ask what my baby's name is.....sometimes I am tempted to spout off with the first name I can think of.

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  • malcivarmalcivar member
    cooperme2871 said:
    when a stranger comments on your child? When someone asks how old my DS is, and I tell them he's 14 months, I get "oh I bet he's getting into everything!" or "is he walking yet?" It's heartbreaking. No, he's not walking. He's not even crawling. How do you respond when someone doesn't know what is going on? how do you let it not tear you down? I'm typically okay at home, and then we leave the house and I get asked that question or I see a child his age doing so much more than he does, and it hurts.
    I think sometimes it's just people making small talk because babies sort of bring that out in people.  I wouldn't take it as offensive or anything unless the questions start getting weirder and much more nosy.  

    As for the other, yeah, it STINGS.  I'm not going to lie to you there.  I get to watch DS2 blow the doors off his older brother sometimes and they're both my kids, but as hard as it is, you need to concentrate on the positive, how much you love them, or even how darn cute they look that day, whatever helps.  {{hugs}}

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  • cooperme2871cooperme2871 member
    Thanks ladies. This is all so "new" that I think its still so fresh and I get very defensive whenever someone asks about him.
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