How to tell my mom I don't want her in the delivery room

Mnerani · September 2014

I know it seems obvious- "just tell her." But it's going to hurt her feelings and I think it would be easier if I could find a halfway decent excuse.

It's especially hard to tell her because MH might not be there for the birth (I posted about this a few weeks ago), and I've asked both of my sisters to be there. Those are two reasons why she would expect to be in the room.

My mom is great, she's just not a calming presence and I don't think she would be helpful- and probably the opposite.

I've considered a few ideas:

- Not telling her that I'm in labor until I'm heading to the hospital or even later (she has to drive about 3 hours). This seems like a poor choice in terms of not offending her.

- Telling her that I want my sisters in the room b/c they've also studied Hypnobirthing, which I'll be using. This is true but wouldn't necessarily preclude her from being there.

- Telling her that the biggest help would be if she assists the babysitters with DS and my sisters' kids. Also true.

But still, it's going to be so hard on her not to be invited in

kmc84 · September 2014

I think gentle honesty might be the best. She will likely be hurt no matter what, but if you can explain your reasons for wanting your sisters and no one else, hopefully she can appreciate that. Stress how helpful it will be for you to watch the grand kids.

Good luck! When my water broke with A, we told NO ONE except my BFF who came to see me briefly before I was too uncomfortable. There were lots of hurt feelings (all my ILs), but the experience was just what I wanted and that's what matters most! People will have to get over it!

Robeano · September 2014

Man, that's a tough one. I would kinda make a big deal about how important it would be to you if she watched the kids. How you trust her so much and how awesome she is, etc. If she still insists on coming to the delivery room, tell her you'd appreciate if she wasn't there. Or does your hospital have a limit to the amount of people in the delivery room? That's always a good out. I know with Hannah my midwife was willing to make herself the "bad guy" and allowing me to tell people "oh sorry midwife says only 2 people, blah blah blah"

Mayzie15 · September 2014

I like what Robeano said. When in our birthing classes this question was asked and the teacher mentioned that all the doctors and nurses are trained for this and if we gave a heads up when we checked in -,they had no problem telling family we were limited to the number of people in the delivery room. Good luck I don't envy your predicament.

ccam · September 2014

This is a difficult situation! My mom really wanted to be in the delivery room, too, but I had the excuse that I just wanted it to be DH and myself. She was a little disappointed but that all went away once the baby was here. Plus I ended up with a CS so she couldn't have been in there anyway.

I would probably stress how much you want her to be with the grandkids and that you want her to be the one to bring DS to the hospital to meet your new LO for the first time. And I also agree with the other ladies about telling her that you can only have a limited amount of people in the room. The Dr's and nurses are usually pretty on board with taking the heat for kicking people out!

TJ1979 · September 2014

ccam said:

This is a difficult situation! My mom really wanted to be in the delivery room, too, but I had the excuse that I just wanted it to be DH and myself. She was a little disappointed but that all went away once the baby was here. Plus I ended up with a CS so she couldn't have been in there anyway.
I would probably stress how much you want her to be with the grandkids and that you want her to be the one to bring DS to the hospital to meet your new LO for the first time. And I also agree with the other ladies about telling her that you can only have a limited amount of people in the room. The Dr's and nurses are usually pretty on board with taking the heat for kicking people out!

That is what we did. Although fortunately my parents weren't interested in being in the room, and my IL's didn't even want to visit while we were in the hospital. So I guess I'm lucky?
I just told my mom how important it was for E to be with someone she knew, and that she was the only person I trusted to drive her across town to the hospital.

mdiblasi10 · September 2014

I love ccam and TJ's suggestions. I haven't been in the same situation because I had an emergency c-section and wouldn't have minded if my Mom were there. But I really think asking her to watch the grandkids and bring them after the baby is born is both nice and the truth. Good luck!

mcgeeva · September 2014

Simple solution....have her watch your lo!! That way she is busy and can not in fact be in the room

mcgeeva · September 2014

Sorry didn't read the other posts

Julie21613 · September 2014

Has she even mentioned that she wants to be there? I had told my mom that I really wanted she & my sister with me during labor but come the actual delivery I just wanted DH. Her response? "Phew, I was hoping you didn't want me in the delivery room"! So maybe it is a non issue!

Mnerani · September 2014

Thanks ladies- these are great suggestions.

@Julie21613- she definitely expects to be there

As for taking care of DS, the only thing is that we have a live-in nanny who knows DS much better than my mom (his schedule, potty training routines, etc). So, he'll already have full-time care while we are at the hospital, and she knows that. But I can definitely play up the idea that I want family around him and my sisters' kids (since my sisters will be in the hospital with me). And I really like the idea of saying I want her to be the one to bring DS to the hospital for the first time- good one!

Unfortunately, she already knows the hospital's policy that you can have tons of people in your delivery room with you, because my sister gave birth in the same hospital. So there goes that excuse.

I think the key is to have her occupied with the grandkids and not waiting around at the hospital because I think the hardest thing for her would be knowing that I'm delivering the baby and both of my sisters are with me, and she's the only one left out.

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