My fake smile..

ChellsnCheese · September 2014

So my husband is Military, and everyone knows every ect. so on. We went to the Commissary the other day and one of his friends wives, looked at me and said "You look so good for about 20 weeks pregnant".. My heart broke and every part of me wanted to break down right there, instead I worked up a calm face and said "Actually we lost the baby and had to deliver him." So then she felt HORRIBLE, and of course I have this weird guilt for hurting other peoples feelings with my own issues, so I smiled and said really its fine I am doing really well now.. (big fat lie it has only been about a month)

Why do I do this? and am I the only one? watching other people become so uncomfortable around me once they know what has happen, what we have went through makes me crazy. It makes me feel like I need to heal their hurt that I don't want them hurting over me or my husbands loss of our son. I don't even want to talk to anyone including my own mother because I don't want sympathy I actually dread it. Anyone else have this happen?

Manada · September 2014

This is something that comes up pretty frequently in some of the grief support groups I attend. I don't experience the same guilt myself (yet), but it's pretty common I think.

I have tried to be fairly upfront with people in terms of setting the time for conversations about our babies, and haven't been out so much that I have been caught off guard yet. This is something I am afraid of with returning to work.

Sometimes though I think that people are sad for us when they find out, but they also are distressed because they don't know how to respond. I try to think of it this way and let people know what we need, rather than feeling guilty for distressing them.... After all, I live with the pain, sadness and grief every day...

AshersMom11 · September 2014

Yes I have had almost the same thing happen to me. A volunteer at my work came up to me about a month after our loss and excitedly asked how far along I was. I just said I wasn't pregnant anymore and that we lost the baby, then I turned and walked away. She is a really sweet lady and I could tell she felt horrible but she totally caught me off guard. I basically ran to my office before I started to cry.

It was such an awkward situation and I know what you mean about feeling guilty. I felt horrible just walking away like that, but in the moment I just needed to get out of there.

stefuge · September 2014

I have had quite a few people ask how the baby is, noticing I was no longer pregnant and assuming he was born healthy. I just answer honestly and let them deal with it. Like manada said, I carry this pain and grief every day, I'm sorry if I make them uncomfortable for a moment and then remind them of everything they have to be thankful for because they aren't living with this like we are.

msunshine123 · September 2014

I have had people ask how the baby is now that they see me and I am no longer pregnant. I tell them that my son died. I agree with the PP in that this is something we live with everyday and it's ok for others to feel uncomfortable. We have to deal with the reality of loosing our child all the time. ((hugs))

luckyclover0922 · September 2014

That is the hardest part sometimes when people just "assume" everything goes just as planned when you are pregnant. Don't worry about their feelings because you are being true and honest with them when you respond. ((Hugs)) to you.

lexusolsen · September 2014

I felt like that at first but eventually came to agree with pp's. I live with this pain every day, that is a small amount of discomfort for someone else to bear so that I don't have to deny my son.

bunnybun4 · September 2014

this happened a little at first and then I got a lot of comments afterwards asking about my baby at home...the most recent happened about a month ago which completely caught me off guard because no one has made that mistake in quite a while...I remember being so angry that I was forced to make the person feel better...like why is that MY responsibility??? I remember having to reassure her that it was ok and then I went into my office and cried. ughhh.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

ChellsnCheese · September 2014

Thank you everyone, I appreciate it all, I actually started therapy yesterday, and I told him I felt like this, and he agreed with all of you. He said sometimes its ok to share the hurt for the moment and take it off myself, that there is no guilt in that.

stefuge · September 2014

I really like how you phrased this. My feelings exactly!

lexusolsen said:

I live with this pain every day, that is a small amount of discomfort for someone else to bear so that I don't have to deny my son.

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