IF Is Costing Me More Than Dollars

LindseyM2012 · September 2014

I thought I was doing well coping with IF, with all its ups and downs and waiting and waiting and waiting. I’m the woman who always has it together. I pride myself on that. I do well managing my full time job, a rigorous graduate program, cooking, cleaning, managing the household (housewife duties), etc. I don’t complain too much and very rarely give in to those moments of emotional exhaustion. I apologize if this comes across as snooty, but I do a lot and I think I do it well (certainly not perfect, but well). But I had a major wakeup call last week that told me I don’t have it all as together as I thought.

Sorry this is going to be long, but I need to get this out of my head somehow. My husband is a great support, but I don’t want to tell him this stuff because I’m just too embarrassed.

My graduate program is rather rigorous and I’ve been speeding through it quite well. When all this IF stuff came up, my academic performance took a hit. I did very poorly that term. Fast forward to last week when I’m preparing to start my 10 month internship on Tuesday, I notice I am no longer registered in the classroom component that coincides with internship placement. I freak out and contact my advisor to find out I’ve been put on academic probation following that poor term and need to meet with the department chair before I begin internship. “Well thanks for letting this sit until I call you,” I thought. I take full responsibility for my poor performance, but c’mon! No email, no call, no letter. If I didn’t happen to notice this change in my schedule, I would have started my internship without being covered under malpractice insurance and would have had to back out of my internship. I freak out – of course – because now my future is on the line because I screwed up. I scramble to speak with the Department Chair (with whom I have a good working relationship) and Director of Training on Friday (before Labor Day) who said they will get back to me with next steps. No word over the weekend because the university is rightfully closed causes me to further freak out (internally) and drink all weekend. I inform my internship supervisor there is an issue and will have to take Tuesday (my intended start date) to sort it out. It all ended up being sorted out yesterday, but now I am 8 hours behind in my 700 hour internship and am on probation all because I can’t acknowledge my limitations.

So along with all the copays I pay for appointments and medications, I am paying for IF academically, emotionally and mentally. Something has to give. The plan now is to scale back my course load and slow down my degree progress. This obviously delays my graduation date, but I need to come to terms with that. This is what has to give because I am not willing to compromise the time I spend cooking, cleaning and the like because I will not compromise my household and the quality of my husband’s life. I think I’m going to see a therapist for at least a few sessions. Emotionally I’m holding up, but my mind is scattered and I’m spread very thin. I would tell my therapy clients that they need support through something like this, so I need to listen to my own advice.

dancerspose · September 2014

I have no words of wisdom other than the say I am so sorry for all the additional stressors. I went to grad school as a full-time student, and I can't imagine doing it now that I'm working full time, married, dealing with 3T stress. You are clearly a strong woman, and I applaud you for recognizing your own limitations. Since you're the therapist, not me, I won't offer any other counseling type words. I can, however, tip the glass of wine I'll be having tonight to you!

BKBABY3 · September 2014

Sounds like you are a rock star, and even rock stars hit that wall sometimes. Good for you for pushing them to get it figured out with only a one day delay. Huge accomplishment. I know lots of folks (without IF stress on top of it) who would have given up on the semester right there. And, yay for therapy. Great idea. Go ahead and cry your eyes out, let everything go, and have no worries about being judged for what you say. It will be hard at first, but will feel very good (sounds like you already know this!)

Ashlee8809 · September 2014

Ouch! So sorry you feel that basically the world is on your shoulders. Working, school, a husband, a personal life, PLUS IF is a lot to handle (I'm doing it too... and it is so hard). You can do it though! I keep telling myself "don't let perfect get in the way of better". Sometimes things will get prioritized, sometimes things will fall through the cracks, but don't forget that you're doing your best and give yourself credit for that. DH and I didn't eat dinner until 9:30 last night because I was at school, and I left the house this morning with a sink full of dishes, but you do what you can.

Best of luck to you!

shirleymaeby · September 2014

I'm very similar to you in the amount of effort I put into my home and my marriage. In addition to cooking and cleaning and caring for my husband and our dogs I am in school and I have a full-time job. I definitely feel the pressure building up sometimes and I always try to keep it to myself so that I don't stress anyone else out. Since we started treatment I've opened up a lot with DH about how much pressure I am under all the time and he offered to jump in and help me wherever is necessary to make things easier for me.

I know things are tough right now but I firmly believe that good things are right around the corner, especially when we think things can't get much worse. Good luck!

tweetyknicks · September 2014

Eight hours missed calculates to about 6 minutes extra for each 8-hour work day for the remaining 692 hours of the internship. Not too bad.

Have some compassion for yourself. In my experience, my performance at work (and school, until last fall) suffered if I didn't get at least a bit of down time to relax. With IF looming in the background it is difficult to relax instead of worrying about the next step or outcome of treatments. Maybe schedule some relaxation time? If possible, I'd also recommend delegating at least a few tasks to someone else, whether your husband or hired help. Maid service for a couple of hours every other week is one of the best investments MH and I have made.

LindseyM2012 · September 2014

Thanks for the support, ladies! You all are awesome!

The reason I do the majority of the household stuff is two fold: I enjoy cooking and cleaning and my husband has the lovely responsibility of bringing in the most money. He has the regular 9-5 day job and then "moonlights" as a pro poker player (before anybody asks, yes he is quite successful **he gets that question a lot**). There are days he does his day job and goes straight to the poker table for an overnight session and then goes right back to his day job. This man is a machine! He does do the laundry though. I HATE doing laundry, and he doesn't mind. I do everything else.

@shafwilson, thanks for the thought of wine. I've been indulging a lot lately. I just REALLY struggle with acknowledging my limitations. There are days the dishes pile up or we have to order Chinese food, and MH never bats an eye. He gets it. This latest situation just really put things into perspective. I'm still a little freaked out and feel like I have to walk on eggshells. Not fun.

saritacw · September 2014

I'm sorry. That's tough. If you're like me you probably don't need advice you just need to get it out somewhere and that alone will make you feel better. Maybe this will help too:

https://mic.com/articles/97464/in-one-perfect-sentence-amy-poehler-schools-a-guy-in-what-it-s-like-to-be-a-woman

I love Amy Pohler!!

Hollowvic · September 2014

I'm sorry, IF has taken a huge emotional toll on my husband and I, not even to mention the financial toll. I just try to tell myself, this shall pass and for whatever reason these are the cards I'm dealt right now. With that being said, I've been seeing a therapist and I don't know what I would do without her.

LindseyM2012 · September 2014

@rainbowbridge14 & @lhbphd – Thank you for sharing your experiences! As of last week, I did inform the Department Chair and my advisor of IF issues (although I did remain vague). It helps that the Dept. Chair is a man so he doesn’t ask questions.

@angelina2404 – Your husband sounds a lot like mine. Mine told me that he intentionally doesn’t react much to IF stuff because he wants to be stable enough to allow my emotions to fluctuate. And I too have been trying to pick and choose the times for serious conversations. It seems like so much has been serious since all this IF stuff started that I don’t want our whole marriage to be so darn serious!

I didn’t realize how many of us are currently in school. I hate that any of us are in the IF category, but it is so nice to know that I’m not the only one juggling and feeling like I can’t keep up (not that I’m wishing it on anyone else).

chicory · September 2014

Bumping quick on lunch break so just a few disjointed thoughts, I haven't read all the responses either. Yes, therapy sounds like a great idea. Not on your list, but also talking to DH about it (maybe not now but when you're ready) because telling him shouldn't burden him, it should give him a new opportunity to support you in a way you really need right now. In addition to cutting back somewhere, you need to talk about this, because something's gotta give, and trying to be a rockstar through this means that what gives will be YOU. I hit that wall during professional school, trying to be everything and not talk about it, and one day it all just snapped and DH found me crying on the kitchen floor one morning because I just couldn't do it anymore. Thank God we weren't TTC yet at that point, I can't imagine going through this and everything else you have right now. Finally now I am getting good at stopping to think when something stresses me, to step out of the situation and think big picture...how much will this REALLY matter in 10 years if I don't get xyz done just right and on time, etc...hugs to you because I've been in a similar place. Take care of you!

Champs28 · September 2014

I've been there, albeit instead of IF issues I was having major health issues during my phd program. As a psych, I've tried and failed at being a therapy patient more than once. It's tough to be on the other couch.
I completely understand not wanting to compromise on your household. Have you considered a cleaning lady?
I wish I had more advice but just know it's possible!! Therapy can help too. Much love

LindseyM2012 · September 2014

@Champs28‌ - I'm worried of exactly that: since I'll be a therapist soon, I'm worried I won't get much out of therapy I don't already give myself. But who knows. I have a colleague who gets so much out of her own therapy. I figure it can't hurt at this point.

LindseyM2012 · September 2014

@iPutKetchupOnKetchup‌ - I don't know why, but I almost got choked up reading your post. Thank you so much.

All you ladies are so amazing! I don't know what I'd do without this board. I know a lot if people say that, but it's true.

ETA: Spelling. Ugh!

BunnyBerry · September 2014

LindseyM2012 said: Thanks for the support, ladies! You all are awesome!
The reason I do the majority of the household stuff is two fold: I enjoy cooking and cleaning and my husband has the lovely responsibility of bringing in the most money. He has the regular 9-5 day job and then "moonlights" as a pro poker player (before anybody asks, yes he is quite successful **he gets that question a lot**). There are days he does his day job and goes straight to the poker table for an overnight session and then goes right back to his day job. This man is a machine! He does do the laundry though. I HATE doing laundry, and he doesn't mind. I do everything else.
@shafwilson, thanks for the thought of wine. I've been indulging a lot lately. I just REALLY struggle with acknowledging my limitations. There are days the dishes pile up or we have to order Chinese food, and MH never bats an eye. He gets it. This latest situation just really put things into perspective. I'm still a little freaked out and feel like I have to walk on eggshells. Not fun. I'm so sorry for all the pressures you're experiencing right now. This post above really helped to clarify why you're doing all the housework (minus laundry!). But I have to say, it can be an impossible battle to tie our self-worth to what we do instead of who we are. Perhaps if you gave YH the option, he'd much prefer a wife making great grades and rocking it and impressing at school, rather than a spotless house or 3 squares. All these things you are doing because you have to - IF, school, taking care of the family. Perhaps it would all seem a little less overwhelming if you added something just for yourself into the mix?

I feel you, it's so hard. I had to call DH away from his first week of classes to give an IUI sample on call this afternoon, after discovering that yesterday's OPK was actually positive! (Sure didn't look it.) I feel so bad, he never ate lunch and now he's struggling to finish homework due tomorrow. It's so hard to be a student and deal with IF. I hope your advisor is understanding and that your internship goes well.

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