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Marriage Issues

tbiscuit18tbiscuit18 member
in May 2014 Moms
While are LO are an unbelievable blessing, do any of you feel like your relationship with your husband is suffering? I'm just putting it out there, but my DH and I are not in a good place. We wanted our baby more than anything, but here I am sitting at my sister's house contemplating the end of DH and I's marriage. Obviously there is more to my story, but things have significantly changed and DH hasn't been responding well. We have a really good baby, but still I find that we are drifting further apart. Anyone else finding the same? 
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Re: Marriage Issues

  • jenb_99jenb_99 member
    Yes. We grew closer after our first was born, but we're not doing well this time around. We're currently in counseling and I'm contemplating asking my OB for an antidepressant bc my PPD is making our situation harder.

    We've been through much worse, though, and I quit considering any kind of end to the relationship a few years ago, but it still sucks.


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  • bossyfergbossyferg member
    The first year is really tough after having a baby because you both change. I found after the first year things just got easier. Not sure why but also I made an effort to make sure DH and I did things on our own. We celebrated our Anniversary away overnight with our DD and we would try to do little things like that here and there, which I found helped us reconnect as a couple. There is so much focus on the baby so having so one on one quality time was nice to remind us that it is because of us and or love that we had children.
    (Hopefully that made some sense... MOTN feeding so Im a bit sleepy)

    I hope you figure out the best path for you and your family and have the support you need.
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  • purtzpurtz member
    Yes, having a baby is extremely hard on a relationship, no matter how strong it was prior. I found communication was the main breakdown after both of my children, then fueled by hormones and short tempers from lack of sleep & frustration. Talk it out/say what you need/remember he can't read your mind-- no matter how much you want him to!!

     

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  • jsaffer01jsaffer01 member
    I feel like I'm going through the same thing. For the last 2 months it has been getting worse. I really started thinking about leaving. I was really tired from crying over him 24/7. But I love MH and I told him we need to talk about this because he was feeling the same way. And we talked, we both discussed what we want from the other person to make this situation better. And for the past 2 weeks we have been working on it. It's still not back to where it was yrs ago, and I don't think we'll ever get back there. But just knowing we're heading into our new normal and our new relationship makes working towards it easier. I hope this makes sense.
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  • MimalooMimaloo member
    Can't relate but just want to say I'm sorry you're going through this. I'd say get into counseling sooner rather than later. I hope it all works out for you {{hugs}}
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  • gutsysneakersgutsysneakers member
    First off, lots of hugs. As if being a new parent and figuring out all of this wasn't hard enough, let's throw relationship issues into the mix with the person who is supposed to be our anchor. This has definitely been the hardest 3 months of our relationship. We haven't had any major issues - just the normal "discussions" about my clutter, bottles, and breast milk. 

    FWIW, we went out last night and celebrated our 2 year anniversary. It was so needed. Just those 4 hours to get out of the house without DD, getting drinks and dinner was exactly what we needed. We didn't bring up DD once. It was so nice to do. 

    I hope you sort things out and are able to work through things. It's definitely not easy and from what I hear, the first year is the hardest. 
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  • haylo33haylo33 member
    In my psych class in college, my professor said that studies show the year following the birth of a child is the hardest on a marriage
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  • chillypenguinchillypenguin member
    We have been struggling a little bit lately. We'll have really good days and then rough days. I remember things got so much easier when DD1 was a few months older so she slept better and was on a more predictable schedule. Right now we are just trying to be really open with our communication and on the days we do fight, we always try to talk through it and get back to a good place. As PPs have said, it really does get better as the babies get older.
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  • RachelCA29RachelCA29 member
    I've definitely noticed my marriage is strained right now. But my husband and I both recognize why (babies are stressful) and know if is temporary. Being the default primary care giver (which most moms are) breeds a lot of resentment at times. Plus you are both tired all the time. My husband and I are basically never alone together anymore, and when we are we're exhausted. But it will get better. I think it's important to recognize it's a difficult time, keep communication open (when you are frustrated tell him - I fell into this trap a couple of weeks ago), and try to spend at least a little alone time together to chat, have sex, or just relax together. Also recognize all the stressors that aren't necessarily baby - money is a big one for most new parents because with mat leave or day care, baby stuff, etc everything in your budget changes! Good Luck! I think it's pretty clear you aren't the only one going throughout this, it's nothing you are doing wrong!
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  • Nikkipal82Nikkipal82 member
    It is certainly a stressful time for both parents, and it makes it hard on your relationship. DH is struggling a lot with adjusting to being a parent-- he is mourning the vacations and weekend trips we used to take, and having a hard time caring for DD once a week when I work my weekend shift. DD has been waking more lately, which means I've been sleeping less, making me very grumpy and irritable. It's really hard, and I'm sorry you're going through it. I would agree that big decisions should probably be held off during the first year, if possible. I also agree with PP who encourage date nights. We have been trying to go out at least once per month, and it was hard at first, but we really look forward to time just the two of us. 

    @jenb_99, if you are struggling with PPD, I would really encourage you to go ahead and take the step of talking to your OB about meds. There were times in my life I needed meds for depression, and I'm so glad I got that kind of help. I think it's certainly worth having the conversation about it. 

    Hugs to everyone struggling at this time. Remember, everything is temporary. 

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  • ns1ns1 member
    Just here to agree with PPs. The first year is rough. You barely have enough time for yourself after kids and throwing in another person who may not understand what you go through is though. I will also agree that after a yaer it geta better. And for me the second child has not been AS hard on the marriage as the first, but it still does add extra strain.
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  • tbiscuit18tbiscuit18 member
    bunannie said:

    5. You have to carve out time for yourself because no one else will. If you can create time for yourself to go see friends, go out to eat, something, than you will feel a lot more relaxed. My partner already does this for himself on the micro scale and it was driving me crazy because I didn't have the same. 

    This. The carving out time for myself has been the hardest. DH is still carving out his time and I feel like I'm the one sacrificing. His needs definitely come before mine and he doesn't even realize it. 
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  • dp1320dp1320 member
    Everyone gave excellent advice - it is hard, stressful, exhausting and emotional - I agree that if you can get through it it shows the strength of your relationship and will only make it better. Hugs!
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  • delatldelatl member
    Yes, my marriage has been bumpier. We were in a really good place before but the stresses of a newborn have definitely caused bickering and an occasional all out fight. I get resentful at how much more I do and also how hard this transition has been for my DH. Like others said, we are both practicing patience and trying to find time together. I think it will improve as she gets older and we adapt.
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  • fraseyfrasey member
    @ebuge  - I totally hear you. PM me if you want. 

    Things have been hard here since DD was almost a yr old, I'd say, which is over half of our relationship. I think with us, it goes past the "babies are hard and your relationship will never be the same so just accept that and move forward' part and into the "Im really not sure we're meant to be together, and there are many things Im not sure I can live with forever" zone, if that makes sense. On a scale of 1 to 10, Id say 7 is the best we've been in a LONG time, and that only seems to happen in a 'crisis' type of situation. Im really unhappy and lonely in general, even tho I have family and friends around. There is so much I want in my life and I honestly don't see those things happening with DH. So yeah... :s 
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  • lrmrtnlrmrtn member
    DH and I were having issues and now DH has his own issues to work through (some exacerbated by the baby, some not) which are essentially making me a single parent. Once he gets the help he needs, we'll see what happens to our marriage but it won't be the same.
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  • Shepa123Shepa123 member

    I am also in the same boat. Not only was my sweet bundle of joy a surprise baby, my DH is having the hardest time with the fact that he can't go and do what he wants and on top of that he is the one taking care of DD while I am at work.

    I think he feels like he is the woman in the relationship.. which then results in him going out every weekend without me and me resenting him when he gets home because mama needs a much needed night out, but then I feel guilty when I leave him home with her once again.

    I sure hope this does get easier, because right now I also cry all.the.time.

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  • tbiscuit18tbiscuit18 member
    bunannie said:
    ebuge said:
    Thanks everyone for your support and advice. I have been seeing a counselor for the past couple of months and DH just started doing the same. I know the first year is going to be the hardest, and I know every situation is different. We need to go to therapy together, but I feel like DH has to figure out his own issues before we can start working on the issues we have together. I'm just feeling broken and defeated. Life isn't supposed to be this hard. I cry a lot. All.the.time. I'm not depressed, just sad at what is happening to us as a couple. 
    This is us, exactly. Last year DH wanted to start with couples counseling but I asked that he go see someone individually, first, so he could have some individual attention to sort through things before we take the next step. I still think it's a great route and I'm not 100% sure I want to go onto couples, depending on how we can progress individually. It's hard though.. I'm also a waterworks factory. I think part of it is the leftover hormones, part is being an emotional person and a big part is really loving DH and being affected by any sort of disagreement between the two of us and what it means for the future. 

    But it sounds like you guys are both really wanting to figure out how to make things better and I think that is the biggest piece of the puzzle. Lots of love <3
    This! I know I am an incredibly emotional person and with the hormones it's only exacerbated. But the hardest part of the entire situation is that I love DH more than anything. I don't want to hurt him, but I would have thought that after 5 years being together and 2 years married he would recognize what I need and how I respond when pushed. Before we got married we both read the book "The 5 Love Languages" (I think that's the name of the book). It was fantastic at helping us understand our own love languages and how to communicate those needs with each other. I suggested the other day that maybe we both need to re-read the book as a reminder. DH seemed ok with that, but I have no idea if he's reading it again or not. 
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  • tbiscuit18tbiscuit18 member
    frasey said:
    @ebuge  - I totally hear you. PM me if you want. 

    Things have been hard here since DD was almost a yr old, I'd say, which is over half of our relationship. I think with us, it goes past the "babies are hard and your relationship will never be the same so just accept that and move forward' part and into the "Im really not sure we're meant to be together, and there are many things Im not sure I can live with forever" zone, if that makes sense. On a scale of 1 to 10, Id say 7 is the best we've been in a LONG time, and that only seems to happen in a 'crisis' type of situation. Im really unhappy and lonely in general, even tho I have family and friends around. There is so much I want in my life and I honestly don't see those things happening with DH. So yeah... :s 
    Both of these! @frasey I am so, so sorry you are going through this. The situations literally suck. I'm struggling with whether or not DH and I are meant to be together. I honestly believe there is a reason we were brought in to each other's lives, but some of the behavior DH has been exhibiting lately makes me question whether or not I can literally handle it forever. Forever is a heavy word when talking about your life. Like you, I want so much more out of my life. I don't want to feel like this forever, but I also don't want the rest of my life to be a roller coaster of ups and downs. A dear friend of mine told me once that having children offers a new clarity. I know she's right. Although I want to also believe that hormones are causing some of this and maybe offering an eff'd up clarity too. :/
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  • ksyknelvr73ksyknelvr73 member
    Well, I am pretty late to this, but just offering commiseration. This is my second kid and it feels like H and I are back to square one of what the hell is going on with us?! I remember it being really rough with DS1 for almost a year and then it really did get better, but I can't pinpoint why exactly. Before we had baby #2, I felt like we were really solid, and even throughout pregnancy.

    Now I feel like we are totally falling apart...and the thing is, I know H doesn't feel that way b/c he is absolutely oblivious to the fact that I am miserable. We have had so many freaking serious conversations and I have been brutally honest with him, and it's like he isn't even hearing me. I know he loves me, but he really sucks as a husband right now. I get tired of beating the horse to death with him. I am just hoping the same thing will happen that did before and we will get back on track.
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  • tbiscuit18tbiscuit18 member
    @ksyknelvr73 I am so sorry you are in such a bad place too. Thanks for commiserating. The advice on here has really helped, along with staying at my sister's house last night. I think taking the night to be away and focus on myself and DS was really important. Plus, it was a wake up call to DH that I'm serious about how miserable I am and something needs to change. I hope you and your hubby can find your way back again. ((hugs))
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  • tbiscuit18tbiscuit18 member
    @bunannie I think I need to check out that book. It literally sounds like me and DH. It's also reassuring to know that I'm not alone in all of this and others are just as emotional and sensitive as I am. Thank you. 
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  • Nikkipal82Nikkipal82 member
    Oh man, I just read the article "All Joy and No Fun" in NY Magazine (same author), and it was so depressing. Mostly a compilation of research showing that becoming parents decreases happiness (at least if you live in the US). I am interested in reading the book though, particularly since it's only $1.99 on Kindle. I'm hoping the book provides some insight into how to be happier? The article was just a downer.  Here's a link, but you've been warned: https://nymag.com/news/features/67024/
    Maybe if I had more sleep last night I'd get something more positive from it?

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  • thefussybunchthefussybunch member
    Marriage is hard. Like PPs have said give it time. Also, really think about unmarried life. Think about the well being of your LO (broken home, separate holidays and homes, if you or ex-spouse started dating and introducing new people). Think about finances and if you can afford it on your own. Think about being a single parent. All of this is hard and heavy. My mom was a single mom (dad left) and it was very hard on us/her. I will also just say from personal experience that we sometimes have "the grass is greener" notion in tough times and, if we go there, we realize grass is not greener. Hang in there and give it time, but I would say don't give up if there is still love there!
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  • Nikkipal82Nikkipal82 member
    @bunannie, that's good to know! I'll put it on my list to read. Chances are the article isn't even so depressing, but sleep deprivation kind of clouds everything a certain way...

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  • usernewnameusernewname member
    Well said @MK1013‌. Sometimes the grass looks greener but I personally couldn't live with the consequences of heading to the other side.

    Hang in there ladies. :::hugs:::
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  • dp1320dp1320 member
    great post @MK1030 - I loved all of that!!
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  • tbiscuit18tbiscuit18 member
    @MK1013 Thank you so much for your post. You wrote it so well! 
    And yes, having all of you to vent to, but be open to your feedback and advice makes this place so special. Like @katmewsings said, reading through the thread gives me hope too. 
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  • skyrocketsskyrockets member
    In the big picture we are fine.  I have a lot less patience than I used to so am annoyed more easily, and my husband is missing being the baby.  What I am trying to do is more vocally say things like:
    "When I am pooping, please take the baby and get out of our room."   [we have an ensuite.  I don't poop in the bedroom].  It sounds dumb that I would have to say this, but it was bugging me. Now I get to poop in peace when my husband is home.  

    Sex is a whole other kettle of fish.  Having a small creature clinging to me all day does not inspire me to have a big creature on top of me.  
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