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February 2015 Moms
mirigirl
member
I thought that wound had healed =[
mirigirl
member
I realize this may need to go in randoms, but I really need some support/input. If it needs to move, let me know. thanks
On Saturday my DH and I went to dinner with his mom. Neither him nor I have a good relationship with her, but we try to make it work.
Well while at dinner, she leans over and whispers to DH "Have you had a miscarriage?" DH responded that we had. She then proceeded to ask why we didn't tell her because "she has a right to know these things" and "I had to hear it from someone else in the family". Well only one other person in the family knows, so they must have opened their big mouth and spread the word like a piece of gossip.
From that point I tried to calmly explain that it was a very personal and tragic time for DH and I and we kept it to ourselves to handle it and grieve. She then asked what happened. I told her I had a missed miscarriage which means I had to take a medication to rid my body of the pregnancy. To which she responded "oh ya, like the morning after pill. That's what they give women who want abortions". First of all, there are SO many things wrong with what she said I can't go into them all. But I will say that I informed her that it is not even close to the same thing and that medication only works if you are NOT pregnant. She then started to tell me that "it (miscarriage) happens and it happened for a reason". Needless to say I went home and wept for about 20 minutes.
I know that you ladies who have suffered an early loss or a infant loss know how much those things can hurt and that she ripped open a wound that I thought was more healed than it was apparently. How do I handle this situation? It hurts so bad to know that our little angel is a topic of gossip with his family. I want to protect it's memory. I want to handle this with dignity if it happens again and I also want to defend that baby's memory.
Any advice or support would be great. Thanks so much ladies =[
EDIT: words
MMC- 11/2013 @ 9 weeks
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I thought that wound had healed =[
F15 Siggy Challenge: What You're Looking Forward to Most After Baby Arrives: BELLY SLEEPING!
Sometimes I feel like we have this expectation of just moving on from things and instead maybe look at it as something that is just incorporated into your identity now. I don't know if that helps, but I've learned that it helps me be at peace. Allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel whenever you feel it I think is healthy (so long as you don't dwell in it so long that you lose sight of all the good in your life).
I'd imagine when someone brings it up, whether your story or just someone else going through it, you will always have a pang of sadness. And that is ok.
I agree that maybe the strategy is to move forward but you also don't have to discuss it or prepare for it to be brought up. I think you did a great job at explaining that it was personal but if it comes up again I'd maybe go as far as to push that it is not a topic of conversation you are comfortable with and you'd appreciate some respect on that. Good luck!
BFP #2 11/6/13 - EDD 7/14/14 - blighted ovum discovered @ 7w - natural m/c @ 10w3d
BFP #3 5/25/14 - EDD 2/1/15 - Hoping this is our 2nd little owl
A/S findings: Baby is a girl! EIF found on heart
but maternit21 came back neg for chromosome disorders!!
((hugs))
Me:36 DH:38 TTC#1 since 4/2012
Me DX: Hashimotos,Hypothyroid, DOR, MTHFR, DH: normal
IUI #1-#4 BFNs and a few cancelled cycles in the mix.
- poor responder
***Suprise BFP on 6/13/13. Natural MC @6wks 3days
IVF#1 and 2- Cancelled due to no response on max stimms
FET 5/20- BFP
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2nd beta- 2166
Sono- TWINS!!!!
Two Boys! Born January 2015 @36 weeks. Healthy and no NICU! So blessed!
I don't think anyone truly "moves on" from losing a child. I just tell myself that I have to move forward, but that doesn't mean I ever forget my baby or what happened. People (especially family for some reason) can bring up the past in a way that can be so hurtful and inconsiderate! Don't ever feel bad for still feeling sad about what happened.
And as for your MIL, it really is none of her business. When DH and I got pregnant during our engagement, we were told by his mom that we weren't allowed to tell family, and we weren't allowed to talk about it to her or at her house. After we miscarried at 16 weeks, she took it upon herself to tell out entire family what had happened. We were so hurt. Why were we not allowed to say anything when it was happy news, but now that it's a private, hurtful matter, it's everyone's business for her to gossip about? MILs can be the worst. I'm really sorry you had to be subject to her ignorance!!
Within an hour of us finding out we miscarried we'd had several phone calls which was hard. People were sending condolences before we had even processed the loss. We took the only route we felt we had availableand were incredibly open about everything. It was and still is very painful but no one has asked us about it since it happened.
You have to do what is best for you and your husband. If you want to talk to others about you should but if you don't want to then you don't have to. We all handle things differently but it's important that you put yourself, your husband and your new family first.
Sorry, needed to get that out. So sorry for you and your husband for your loss.
I've never lost a child, but I have lost some very dear people in my life. It still hurts.
I would definitely advise you to distance yourself as much as possible from people like your MIL. Maybe YH could deal with her and explain how inappropriate her comments were.
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