Fight with DH about BF vs bottle rant

Cwd626 · September 2014

I am in a terrible mood and have been feeling crappy all day (FTM here). This afternoon I mentioned to DH about how I read about bottle feeding and since I have to go back to work 8 weeks PP I am thinking to BF for a week or so and then transition to bottle feeding. I expected some supportive words and we move on. Turned into a huge fight - he is totally pro-BFing and said "no". After an hour of me crying it seems really he just wants me to BF until the day I go back to work, where I think this should be primarily my decision since I'm the one that has to do it.

Have any of you ladies had issues with your spouse over feeding style??

Please spare me any convincing about BFing while working - I am a emotional mess today already.

Thank you

Neesey · September 2014

Can you pump and do both BF and bottle?

dacora · September 2014

Breast feeding should be entirely your decision, and your husband cannot force you to do something longer than you decide to. As a FTM as well, I've had my own concerns over feeding one way or the other, but luckily my husband is supportive of whatever I choose. ("They're your boobs, it's up to you.") Having no experience doing either, I'm not sure what issues might arise in the breast to bottle transition, I'm sure other ladies would have more advice there, but when it comes to how you want to feed your child, it's your body and your choice in my opinion (holy run on sentence Batman).

When you say bottle feeding, do you mean formula, for clarification? Could you maybe talk to your husband about compromising on pumping for a bit longer than a week and bottle feeding with breast milk?

abcd2002 · September 2014

I want to do 100% the same thing! Breastfeed for a week or two then I am actually switching to formula. I just want to provide those first initial nutrients but then I am making the switch. I may change my mind but that is what I am thinking now and it is what I think will work for me.

Please tell your husband to try and understand your side and point. You are going through so much and he really needs to focus on compromising and not arguing a point. Sit snf have a productive talk and ask that it not turn into an argument. You want to weigh the pros and cons together and come up with the best laid plans as two parents working for the same goal.

Good luck!!!

aggiebug · September 2014

First I think there is a lot factors that you still don't know at this point. Some women really struggle with let down and can't breast feed their babies, others have babies that struggle with nursing and do much better with a bottle. My sister had a baby who refused REFUSED to take a bottle of any sort even a bottle of breast milk.

At this point I would look into breast freed, exclusively pumping, and formula feeding. Find out the pros and cons of each and go into the first few months of your child's life with an open mind. Many women pump at work several times and their baby is fed breast milk in a bottle so don't think work =your baby has to be formula fed.

No matter what your decision is, I would recommend introducing a bottle (breast milk or formula) before the day you go to work to make it easier for your baby to transition.

acpruchnik · September 2014

My DH was the same way with our son but I just couldn't get the hang of it and I needed to be able to go back to work. No matter how much I pumped trying to store up for the sitter, I kept losing my supply and I was so stressed out that all I did was cry any time my son was hungry. It wasn't a good experience for me in the slightest bit and has made me very pro-choice on the matter.

Does he have other children or anything? Has he been through the experience? Some women have an amazing BFing experience and can even exclusively pump forever without issues. It makes it look extremely easy but it's hard for a lot of FTM's to get the hang of it.

It took me sending my doc after DH to get him off my back about wanting to give up BFing my son and he was 7 weeks old when I finally just couldn't handle the pressure DH was putting on me for it anymore. My DH is one of those people that someone can tell him something a thousand times, but until the doc says it he thinks it's BS or I'm blowing it out of proportion. Dad's don't have to nurse so I don't think they realize fully what it takes out of you, especially when you've never done it before. I remember being extremely tired in general and would always fall asleep while I was attempting to nurse the first week or two. I was upset a lot because it got painful when my nipples would crack and bleed, let alone freaking out when they would bleed while my son nursed (no matter how much the pediatrician told me it wasn't going to hurt him). I'm by no means saying you're going to have a bad experience and I'm sorry if telling you about mine scares you at all, but I feel like you should be prepared in case you don't have the better experience. I wish someone had warned me about how bad it COULD be and feel like I would have been much more prepared and educated about my decision from the beginning.

Granted, I'm going to attempt it with this one but there's no way I'm going to let it get as stressful as it did with my son. He was on formula from 7 weeks up until he was a year old and he's just fine and as long as your baby is healthy and happy, that's all that matters.

I'm sure your DH is pushing with the best of intentions, but I really believe he needs to leave it up to you. What's his reasoning for being so anti-bottle? Is it the cost of the formula? Because there are plenty of services that can help with getting formula and plenty of formula companies that offer discounts and whatnot so there's help with that. Besides, if your mental health ends up suffering over the pressure or anything (you're going to be stressed out enough when you have to start leaving your baby as it is), you're no good to yourself. And if you're no good to yourself, you're no good to your baby.

t8keepr03 · September 2014

I agree with previous posters it's your boobs and you can decide. I thought I was going to breastfeed all the way to a year old and there was no changing my mind. Well, my DD arrived and she latched perfect but after 4 days old and 4 days of screaming and her literally attached to my breasts for 24 hours a day, we went to the pediatrician for a check and she lost almost 2 lbs since birth. Not good. Went to lactation consultants and the whole 9 yards. I was so miserable and stressed and cried everytime she cried. I didn't want to give her formula. Well after a bunch of visits and different things we tried, I wasn't producing any milk. Poor thing was starving. So I cried and gave her formula and everything made a 180 turn. Everyone was happy, even my hubby who wanted me to breastfeed as much as I did. This just goes to show you that you just don't know until the little one arrives. Now this time I am going to try again but am going to give formula right away if the same pattern occurs. Some people really enjoy breastfeeding and pumping, you might find yourself in those shoes too. I would just sit down with your hubby and discuss both of you having an open mind and see what happens when the little one arrives.

Cwd626 · September 2014

Thank you ladies so much - I feel much better hearing from you all! I hadn't given much thought to pumping but I think that's a great idea and DH agrees. He really just wants breast milk for as long as possible so I think pumping will help extend that time (freeze some, supplement, etc).

I think my main concern is not leaking breast milk at work and wanting to "dry up" before hand. I guess we'll just have to see how it goes, and not stress about it until it's here!

Edit: To answer another question - DH has no other children, so this is all new to both of us. He has also been super naggy about what I eat and shouldn't eat, doesn't want me to take any meds despite what the OB said was safe, always worried something bad will happen to the baby. I worry too but I can't be perfect! I wish I didn't have to have a meltdown in order to shut him up!

acpruchnik · September 2014

Glad to be able to help! And your doc can give you meds to dry you up if you decide to go that route so don't be afraid to ask! Good luck with all of it and I'm glad DH is willing to compromise

jennjilljo · September 2014

You got great advice from PPs. I think it's sweet that your husband is so into the baby decisions even if it is super annoying.

ordinary1 · September 2014

Hmm. I have never heard of this debate so this is a new one for me. Why is he against bottle feeding? Pumping sucks (pun intended), but it is impossible to always be available for feedings, especially if you work outside the home.

jmcgra06 · September 2014

FWIW, if your main concern is leaking while at work, itmight not be an issue even if you are still nursing or pumping. I wore disposable pads in my bra for a few weeks, but by the time I went to work at 6 weeks, everything was relatively normalized. I wore the liners at first just to be sure, but I never had a leaking accident.

PeaceofKia · September 2014

I'm a STM and didn't BF my daughter and she's perfect. I do plan to try breastfeeding the twins for a week or two, but will be switching to formula before returning to work. DH is okay with that, we both agreed that as long as I try, we're happy. Do you mean bottle feeding with breath milk or formula? Explain to him that the baby will be okay either way, you have to do what will work for you. And you never know, you may end up wanting to bf longer... Too early to tell how you'll really feel until you try it.

jmevol · September 2014

If you do decide to BF & pump, I'd recommend starting fairly early (2 weeks or so? I can't write remember what the recommendation is, but it's out there if you look up pumping recommendations) However, I've also heard you don't want to pump too early, then your body may think you need to produce more than you actually do, and you could end up with over supply issues. I was hesitant to pump at first, and waited about 4-5 weeks. I wish I had started earlier so I could have had a better stash. I agree with PP definitely get the baby used to taking a bottle well before you go back to work, if possible.

Edited bc mobile bumping is hard

mandamoochie · September 2014

The only time I ever leaked was when I was weaning him and even then that was overnight. I exclusively pumped for 11 months and it's a fine choice. .. I would just say go with the flow and don't have your heart set on just one thing.. you might be setting yourself up for an emotionally trying time. It willbe hard enough. You'll find the best thing for you and your baby organically all on its own. Gl

crabigator · September 2014

I have some unsolicited advice, from a STM: on all things -- but especially feeding and sleep for the baby -- try to be easy on yourselves and open to all possibilities.

It's easy to say and hard to do, especially once postpartum hormones come into the picture, but it's absolutely the #1 thing I plan on doing differently this time around -- to be much easier on myself if: nursing/sleeping/pumping/tummy time/bottle transitioning/a million other things don't work out how I hope. It's important for your partner to be on that same page too -- there's nothing wrong with going in with the best hopes and even expectations... as long as you give yourself lots of leeway to make mistakes and lots of props for just trying.

One thing that I think could be helpful once the time comes is to run your crazier thoughts (e.g. "I feel like if she has any formula, she'll never want breast milk again!!" <-- actual crazy-person thought I had in the throes of my baby's infancy) by a trusted friend or forum. Ideally people who have been through the new-baby-maelstrom before and have made it to the other side -- not your partner, because frankly, he's too close to the situation and is going through it too. You may need someone (I did!) to laugh and then gently tell you, "sweetie, that's ridiculous. everything will be fine."

Sorry if this is lecture-y... I've just been reflecting on our first experience since a second one is looming, and man, do I remember those high expectations I had for nursing. Letting go of those was by FAR harder for me than any physical part of nursing, and that's with a partner who was totally like "hey, you do whatever you want."

PS I also advocate starting with a bottle earlier than when you go back. We started with one feeding via bottle (with pumped breastmilk) at 4 weeks, so dad could do a feeding. It's a nice way to take at least a small part of the feeding burden off you.

NQueen11 · September 2014

While I plan on trying to breastfeed as long as I can, I am a FTM who is realistic to know that it might not be possible for me (no women in my family have been successful thus far). That being said I do not plan on feeling ashamed if I have to formula feed and no one else should either. There was a new study out this year that looked at sibling sets: one was breastfed and one was formula fed and there was no statistical difference. This isn't the exact article I read but is one I could find on the study: https://time.com/9917/sibling-study-shows-little-difference-between-breast-and-bottle-feeding/ I hope it helps!!

daciadanae · September 2014

Yeah, your husband definitely cannot make that decision for you. Men have NO idea how hard it is to BF. Maybe it'll just take a few conversations for you all to get on the same page, luckily you still have time :-)

That being said - Leaking was never an issue for me, but I did wear those bra liners just in case. I exclusively pumped for 11 months (my son never learned how to latch) even while at work. Work places are required to have a place for Moms to pump in privacy. Then DS was bottle fed breastmilk even when I wasn't around - win win for everyone!

KMommytobe · September 2014

Your boobs, your decision.

Beth.1212 · September 2014

Since you'd be the one BFing, it's ultimately your decision. Your DH is out of line to push you like that. If he's so worried about what's best for the baby, he should be trying to keep you calm and happy! Stressed pregnant mom = stressed baby. I'm really sorry that he made you cry like that!

No one, not even DH, should pressure you to BF. It's one thing to make sure that you have all of the information so that you can make an informed decision. Heck, for DH, I think it'd be reasonable for him to ask you to please try to BF for a longer time. It's another thing to push, though, and no one should make you cry! (This coming from a very pro-BF mama. It can be tough to BF at first, and if you're doing it under duress, I imagine it'd be even harder.)

That being said, it's important for you and DH to both have a say in major parenting decisions, and it's also important for you both to feel like you've been heard. He may be feeling too left out of this decision. When you are both calm, it might be a good idea to hear him out on why he wants to BF. I'm not saying that you should do what he wants - just that it would be good to discuss it calmly when neither of you are upset. I'd bite my tongue and let him get it all out there. Then I'd tell him that I understood where he was coming from and that I'd think about the subject more. I really would consider what he said and what I've read, and read more if I felt there might be more info that'd be helpful.

I'd try to think if there was a compromise I'd consider - perhaps definitely BF for the first week, and then reevaluating and possibly BF for the first four weeks if things were going okay. Then I'd sit down again, say that BF does have benefits XYZ which is why I was willing to do [insert here]. However, because of concerns ABC, I wasn't comfortable committing to anything beyond [insert here]. (If he tried to interrupt, I'd wait till he stopped talking and then say "I let you explain your perspective without interruption. Please afford me the same courtesy.") I'd then explain that if things are going really well, ex. if baby is feeding well and any leaking is easily contained by nursing pads, I'd be willing to do [insert here]. I'd tell him that I tried to really incorporate his wishes and be flexible, and I hope that he understands my perspective and is willing to be flexible, too.

If he's an unreasonable boor and just starts laying into you again, I'd tell him the discussion was closed. If he still ranted, I'd tell him he was welcome to BF the baby for as long as he wanted, but I'd laid out what I was willing to do, and I'd leave the room to let us both cool down. Maybe that's not the best thing to do, but that would be the extent of my understanding!

If you have any questions about feeding issues, the breastfeeding board and this board can be good resources. There are good and bad things about BF, pumping, and FF, and I'm sure that people would be happy to give their perspectives on what those are.

Beth.1212 · September 2014

NQueen11 said:

While I plan on trying to breastfeed as long as I can, I am a FTM who is realistic to know that it might not be possible for me (no women in my family have been successful thus far). That being said I do not plan on feeling ashamed if I have to formula feed and no one else should either. There was a new study out this year that looked at sibling sets: one was breastfed and one was formula fed and there was no statistical difference. This isn't the exact article I read but is one I could find on the study: https://time.com/9917/sibling-study-shows-little-difference-between-breast-and-bottle-feeding/ I hope it helps!!

@ NQueen11: Definitely an interesting study, and it deserves weight. I do want to point out a couple of things. The study's lead researcher openly acknowledged that breasfeeding is very important in the short-term, and that it is especially beneficial for boosting nutrition and immunity in newborns. The researchers said that their findings "suggest that the relationship between breastfeeding and long-term childhood outcomes may not be as consistent and straightforward as once thought." They don't say that there aren't long-term benefits to BF. (I don't think anyone in the science community would make that kind of conclusion based on one study. At least, that's my understanding.) Also, they didn't consider some areas where BF is thought to be beneficial, such as allergies and diabetes, and they didn't consider benefits to the mother, such as reducing the risk of breast cancer and ovarian cancer.

I'm going to quote chicagojackie from a previous thread:

[This study has] many limitations and I don't think you can use it as a blanket statement to say conclusively that there are not long term positive effects from breastfeeding.

Main limitations to the Ohio State University Study:
-Cohort of patients were 4 years old and above and not followed for long enough yet. The mean age for getting most of the diseases that WHO and AAP and ACOG says that breastfeeding decreases the incidence of is much older. Also the incidence of these diseases is too small to be detected in such a small sample size.
-Small sample size
-Families self-reported data
-Comparing two non-identical siblings is not the same genetic risk for developing disease later in life

I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't consider FF - I just want to make sure that the ladies reading this thread understand the limitations of the study.

DBride2006 · September 2014

I'm in a different camp than most... OUR baby, OUR decision. One spouse doesn't get to dictate the decision either way.

I'm a working mom and I BF both of my boys for a year. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. WAY harder than pregnancy, labor/delivery, recovery, etc. It is painful, exhausting, a HUGE commitment, time consuming and at times, stressful. But both DH and I believe that is what is best for our babies, so that's what I did. There were times I sat on the ground crying with a fussy baby CONVINCED he wasn't getting enough milk and staring at the formula container while my husband encouraged me to just give him some formula! But I stuck it out (turns out I just had a fussy kid, which I didn't fully understand until well after I stopped breast feeding!).

I would ask your husband WHY breast feeding is important and go from there. You chose to have a baby together, so as long as he is supportive in all the ways you need, I think it's important to make those decisions together. Perhaps committing to a week at a time is a good solution and you don't know what the future holds and he may change his mind (especially if he watches you pump- that freaked both of us out the first time!)

aggiebug · September 2014

because it is amusing and I thought it would go well with this subject

A link between BF and always knowing what is right

cosmama · September 2014

cwd626 - First of all, please don't let yourself get too worked up about this. Even the best made plans before baby arrives can change quickly with what you and your child need later. No matter how you feed your baby, as long as he or she is getting the nutrition and the love than that's perfect. I really struggled with this with my first pregnancy and I will not put myself through it again.

I planned to breastfeed and when it didn't work I tried to pump, literally exhausting myself for no reason. It was such an emotional thing that I really made myself very stressed needlessly. I was a better mom once I switched to the bottle and let myself relax. Anyway, I felt so much pressure from other people - nurses at the hospital, family members and my husband. They made me feel like BF was the only option. My husband, who later apologized, made a comment about me giving up too early and so I kept pushing myself to do something that was not working for either me or my daughter. This time around, I will try breastfeeding but if it does not work I will have no guilt giving my child a bottle because I know that he/she will be getting what they need, along with a mother who can relax and enjoy her new baby.

In a nutshell, you have to do what works for you. Your husband means well but he doesn't understand the time, the effort and the emotion that goes into these choices. If bottle feeding after a week or two is what's best for you and your baby, than go for it!

Dani_Love · September 2014

Didn't read all the answers but in my experience the first two weeks was the hardest, then it got smooth, then my DD decided that no bottle or paci would dare touch her lips and going back to work got complicated. I ended up breastfeeding until she was about 20 months which I wasn't planning to do.

While working I would pump with a hand pump (I let down better into it and felt it was faster, I had the medela one and LOVED it) and it was quiet, no one knew I was pumping, easy to clean etc. I also had a medela double breast pump but I didn't get as much from it (everyone is different, it may work better for you) She did take the special medela calma nipple thank goodness but I had to let someone else feed her or she would refuse (here is the link https://www.medelabreastfeedingus.com/products/594/calma)

You have to do what works best for you and your little. DH told me if I didn't BF we wouldn't have kids, I told him I would do whatever I was comfortable with but I would at least try, I didn't plan on BF'ing at all which is why I was shocked to do it so long. We're all always here for you and Le Leche League was also very helpful!

Dani_Love · September 2014

I should also say I had no problem using formula to top her off. It was worth the piece of mind to me

delaneykai · September 2014

Beth.1212 Thank you for pointing out the limitations of that study. There was also no concrete definition of what made a child exclusively breast fed (3 mo. vs. 6 mo. vs. more than a year). I'm friends with the co-author's wife, so there were lots of healthy debates about it around our work place this past spring.

As for the OP, I agree that you are the leader in making this decision, but that your husband shouldn't be totally dismissed. It's not as simple as a "your boobs, your decision" scenario. He's the baby's parent, too, and parenting decisions should be a partnership. So, while you are the one who will ultimately make the decision since you are the one that would be providing breast milk, I think he does get to have an opinion about it. I hope that you guys are able to talk about it and come to a compromise. You'll have a lot more clarity once your LO gets here, so try not to stress too much about it now.

Get as much reliable info as you can and then just use your mama instinct for what is best for your baby and your family.

HailsMom · September 2014

As a few others have mentioned, I would go into this with an open mind. You never know what will happen when the baby gets here. They might take great to breastfeeding, or they may never latch and you aren't able to BF at all. You might even start BFing and decide that you love it and don't want to stop. Also, keep in mind that you might have a baby that has an intolerance to some formulas, and it might be easiest for you to be able to give breastmilk.

I also agree with prior posters that while your opinion should have greater weight since it is your body, you should still take dad's thoughts into consideration.

psychobutthead · September 2014

They're your breasts. So its entirely your choice. If your husband has opinions great, but as long as those breast are attached to you hes SOOL.

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