WWYD: MIL vs. Step MIL role at baby shower?

aminalex · September 2014

Hey Ladies. Im in a bit of a pickle. My mother is throwing me a baby shower in a few weeks. She is having it at a local restaurant. We currently have part of the favors done (mini mason jars with m&ms). I asked my step MIL to make cookies and finish the favors (the mason jars plus she'll make cookies and put them a gift bag). Now I'm thinking it'll be easier for me and my mom to do the cookies and favors (it's only about 20) and ask her to do the flowers instead (3 simple settings). I had NO plans to ask DH's actual mom to do anything because I know she doesn't WANT TO do anything (she offered in passing to help) and I don't trust her to take care of the flowers (getting them there on time). DH really wants me to ask his mom to help since she's very insecure about step MIL and her role in LO's life. He thinks she'll be heartbroken if i ask step MIL and not her. Should I just suck it up and ask her to do the flowers and just go with the flow of what happens or is there anything else I can ask her to do that's a little less important?

Sorry for the longish rant... And thanks for any advice!

golfingdarwinfish · September 2014

I would stay out of these details and let the hosts take care of it. But, if you're already involved, it's really up to you. You already asked step-MIL to make the cookies; is it going to upset her if you say you want to make them? At this point, since you're so involved, why don't you and your mother just do everything - the cookies and the 3 flower arrangements?

Regarding MIL.... They're just flower arrangements at a baby shower; if asking her to do it will help your relationship in the long run, but the arrangements may be "subpar", I would choose the relationship over fantastic flower arrangements. But, if they don't meet your standards and you are just going to begrudge MIL for her efforts, I would not ask her to do it because it's almost setting someone up to fail, and will just hurt your relationship. I would go for the making everyone happy/included option.

Only you know if there's something "less important" that you can ask her to do - not us.

ETA for clarification

lrobi13 · September 2014

I have a lot of mother figures in the equation as well and it is best to let everyone feel included (as long as it is not emotionally harmful) . I can't see how not having flower arrangements in a timely fashion is is make or break. Plus if your DH has requested her to be involved you are doing it for him.

Best of luck!

persephonerose · September 2014

Can you assign her an active task at the actual baby shower. My mom is pretty scattered/unhelpful but my sister gave her the job of collecting all of the cards from the shower and keeping track of them as we opened gifts.

But honestly, let your host deal with who is doing what. You should not be the one involved in picking who does what. MIL is an adult and responsible for her own feelings. You are the guest of honor you should not be focusing on making her feel better.

aminalex · September 2014

The thing with the timing that I'm worried about is that we literally have the room for only 2 hours so if she's late with them it'll look weird and half ass. Not a huge deal at all. I just feel obligated and she doesn't really want to. Family politics suck. I'll do it for DH tho. I think it'll mean more to him.

Re: my mom deciding who does what, she's kind of over it. She is recovering from a hip replacement surgery and starting school (teaching her last year before retirement) tmmw. She also doesn't know how to ask for help. She'd rather suffer, do it all herself and complain than ask anyone.

persephonerose · September 2014

Well on the upside. No one is really going to be focused on your decor anyway. People are coming because they want to see YOU. I doubt anyone cares that much about flowers. Baby showers are about fawning over the MTB, her belly, and the cute gifts.

aminalex · September 2014

Thanks persephonerose! You are so right! I'll keep telling myself that so as to not sweat the small stuff like this. Take a step back and enjoy it while I can.

I appreciate the words of wisdom. Lol.

amstevens78 · September 2014

I just had my shower a couple of weeks ago and I had my mother and my step-mother there helping host the shower. I made sure everyone had a task or something they were responsible for. You could even ask her to bring a dish or drinks. I totally understand you wanting it to be perfect but I would think including everyone would be a top priority. I am sure there is something you could ask her to do.

Emerald27 · September 2014

I would honor your DH's wish and ask MIL to do the flowers. It's a very sweet gesture, and including her like that, especially considering her anxiety over step-MIL and her grandbaby, would probably mean a lot.

No one cares whether you have flowers on the tables or whether they arrive on time. None of the shower details reflect upon you at all! You're not hosting the party - you're a guest (albeit the guest of honor)! So it's really not your problem if the flowers are late or ugly or wilted or whatever!

Enjoy your party and be super thankful to have three moms who love you and are excited about the new addition to the family.

imagine7696030614 · September 2014

Down the road, if/when my son marries, if they had his step mother participate and not me, I'd be heartbroken. I think it's sweet your dh cares so much about his mothers feelings. I'd ask her to help out in some way or another. Good luck! (Does suck having to deal with family politics)

stvetter · September 2014

imagine7696030614 said:

Down the road, if/when my son marries, if they had his step mother participate and not me, I'd be heartbroken. I think it's sweet your dh cares so much about his mothers feelings. I'd ask her to help out in some way or another. Good luck! (Does suck having to deal with family politics)

I agree. If my son had his Step-Mother involved and not me I would be completely heartbroken.

Want a personalized experience?

WWYD: MIL vs. Step MIL role at baby shower?

Re: WWYD: MIL vs. Step MIL role at baby shower?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards