Family - need your thoughts and advice

malcivar · September 2014

We went to visit DH's family last week (they live out of state) and one of those days, we went to visit my sister in law. She's got three kids and is expecting her fourth. She's got 2 boys - ages 10 and 6 and a little girl who's 2. Chris's social/play skills are very delayed and DH always tries to get him to interact with other kids and he's now also doing the same with our littlest one, Lucas. That went really well with the little ones. Lucas and his little cousin, "E" got along splendidly.

Different story when it came to the older boys "A" and "C". Even when DH tried to have them play together, the two boys wanted no part of it and eventually went upstairs to their room to play.

So basically, Chris was the only child not playing with anyone. When we took the kids to the playground, Lucas and E were playing on the slide and A and C were off playing somewhere else and Chris was being pushed on a swing by me, alone again. Back at the house, again, the boys were upstairs doing their thing, the babies were doing their thing and Chris was sort of just milling around, randomly tinkering with some of the 2 year old's toys.

Having grown up with a special needs sister, I am all too familiar with this heartwrenching scenario. DH, however, was not prepared and is finding it hard to understand that our son was ostracized by family. He said "if it was other kids, like on the playground, whatever, but these are his cousins. they're his family!" I tried to explain that there's only so much you can expect from a 6 and 10 year old but then he turned on his sister, how she should have explained Chris's behavior and asked them to include him, maybe not the whole time but at least some of the time.

So, am I being too easy on them? DH says yes. I'm chalking it up to this is a fact of our life that he wasn't ready for.

How do I help him (DH)? He's upset - sad, hurt, and a bit betrayed.

Thanks as always.

Princess_Lily · September 2014

Meh, the parents of the other kids needed to bridge the gap a bit, at least make an attempt so *all* kids can be included.

The problem is, unless the older ones are guided in the right direction, they will play up the "too cool" card and make believe their too popular for the "babies".

Unless guided in the right direction, I notice kids can get a bit "Lord of the Flies" in my experience. I was the 2nd oldest of 10 cousins.

hopecounts · September 2014

i agree with auntie DH's 9 yr old NT cousin will usually engage with DD for some part of the time when we are at family get togethers, her Mom sat the 3 kids down amd let them know (with our OK) that DD has ASD so she might do things differently and that its OK so just roll with it essentially. So the younger cousin plays peekaboo (one of DD's fave things) and dances with her and that kind of thing for a bit then goes off to play and do her thing. parental influence can be important as can the development of the other child.

kcisthebombdotcom · September 2014

We have this issue with family. I kind of give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they're trying to be accommodating. If a kid really isn't into socializing they might not want to push their children into playing because they feel it's out of their nephews comfort zone. Usually how I handle this is engage dd in some sort of activity she likes and encourage her 3yo and 6yo cousins to join. Usually the kids are excited to see us so assuming we are doing something fun they are more than glad to join in.

CCinLove · September 2014

I agree with you. I dread the day that my son is excluded, but I don't really expect anything different. Challenges aside, I can see a 10 and 6 year old thinking that a 4 year old is a "baby." The gap seems minimal to us, but I wouldn't have wanted to play with a preschooler when I was in first grade. My cousin was 3 years younger than me and I felt like that was a HUGE gap. I hated playing with her, and she was NT. There's probably a similar age difference between Chris and the 2 year old as there is between him and the 6 year old, so the older kids may not have automatically lumped him in with themselves. I'd expect them to be polite and nice to their cousin, but I wouldn't expect them to take initiative to include him in their play. I wouldn't tolerate them actively excluding him, but they may not have the skills to effectively include a younger kid that is still working on social/play skills.

I agree with pp that you and your H will probably have to put in some more effort to bring fun group activities, and possibly facilitate.

malcivar · September 2014

Thanks everyone as always.

auntie, SIL knows the deal with Chris but she can be a little self-centered at times but I'm trying not to be too judgmental. As for your suspicions about the older boy, I've long had the same suspicion about both boys. They definitely have some behavioral issues. The rest of the fam says they're "high strung" but these kids break out in sobbing tantrums at the drop of a hat. The type of over-emotional response you'd expect from a toddler you'll get from both the 10 and 6 year old.

But again, I'm trying not to be too harsh because I know I'm not un-biased in my opinion of them.

You were all correct in that socially, he's closer to his little brother than to the others and we did try to get him to play with the younger kids which he did for a bit and then I played with him at the playground. It was just hard for DH to see him playing with the 'babies' and then being entertained by mommy at the playground.

Realistic or not, I think he expects a little too much from our boy sometimes and he takes it hard when there's a 'letdown'. He's not quite there yet when it comes to accepting that trying new things will sometimes result in them not working - and that this is ok, we can try again some other time.

You guys really are the greatest. {{hugs}}

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