Room sharing ?

la79al · August 2014

I just found out my kiddos might be getting a little brother or sister. My question is, do I have the new baby share a room with the 4.5 and 7 year old or with my 14 year old stepdaughter? We have her every other weekend and half the summer. I feel kind of like its dumb to have 3 kids in one room so another room can be empty most of the time but I also know that teenagers need their own space. The room is not really conducive to a wall of any kind. Thoughts?

bayside14 · August 2014

I would put the new baby in your SDs room bc like you said, that doesn't make sense to have 3 kids in 1 room and the other empty half the time. And besides, she's 14. If she's anything like my SD, she's at the age where she wants to have sleepovers at friends houses all the time anyway ;-)

Ilumine · August 2014

Well, first of all the baby will be in your room until s/he can sleep through the night consistently enough that s/he won't keep any of the kids up.

You did not tell us how many rooms you actually have. But following the ages of the kids, I would do it this way.

The 5 and 7 year olds share the biggest room in the house because they are the closest in age. Their toys are almost interchangeable, though I would ensure that they each had a space to keep their special toys out the other's hands.

I would actually spend a fair amount of money making their room special and space saving.

Then I would give the 13 yo the smallest room in the house. This is based on her age and the amount of toys and need for a space. She is with you enough to be considered a full member of your house (vs long distance situations where the kids only come a couple times a year - they too get their own space, but not a permanent space held out just for them - i.e. they share a room with someone else/each other).

The baby would get the middle sized room ONLY BECAUSE he/she will have a whole set of age appropriate toys and stuff that need space. So at the end of that first year, when you move him/her into a room, the baby gear (toys, changing table, diaper bags, etc) can be contained to one area of the house. AND you can start him/her on the path of playing in his/her room from the get go.

Now, I want to be very clear, I based this on the sleeping habits of babies and toddler and the common sense of it all. On average, babies and toddlers do not constantly sleep through the night until they are older and they still need 1 - 2 naps until they hit 4ish.

Keeping them with older kids is not fair to them (though they may not understand why the baby gets its own room). Their sleep gets messed with at night. They won't be able to get into their room and toys during the baby's naps. The baby will go down before or after them. And for YOU, you cannot use the bedroom as a place of time-out or cool down.

From there, I then took the children's ages and sex into account only - not who was bio or step. Because there are just some things that you do to ensure that your husband's child feels like he/she is part of his/her father's house. Ie be FAIR when figuring things out.

Had your ODD and SD been closer in age (not just chronologically but maturity level. A 7 yo is closer in maturity level to a 5 yo then a 9 yo, and most definitely to a 13 yo), then I would have had the two older girls share a room.

hopanka · August 2014

bayside14 said:
I would put the new baby in your SDs room bc like you said, that doesn't make sense to have 3 kids in 1 room and the other empty half the time. And besides, she's 14. If she's anything like my SD, she's at the age where she wants to have sleepovers at friends houses all the time anyway ;-)

No, that is not fair at all. Illumine said it best.

aggy34 · August 2014

We have to do room sharing in our house once baby comes. The way we have it planned out is SD (8) will be sharing with DS (3) and baby will have the smallest room alone. We asked SD who she wanted to share a room with and she said DS not the baby. SD is here every other weekend and has the largest of the 2 bedrooms for the kids. We will be picking out bunkbeds for them which is the only way we can fit 2 kids in the same room. She was also given the option of turning the family room in the basement into a room for her but she does not want to be downstairs.

la79al · September 2014

Our house is set up with 3 bedrooms upstairs, right now SD is in the smallest, DH and I are in one and DD1 and 2 are in the other (both of these are the same size). We have a room downstairs, off the living room that is filled with the girls toys, they have just a few stuffed animals in their bedroom. Baby will not be in our room, there is not space for even a pack and play. Moving a kid or kids into the playroom is not an option, not only will that hold the girls toys but the baby gear will go in there instead of our tiny livingroom. We really need a bigger house or at least a house with a better layout but I think this oops baby is going to push that plan off a few more years. Unfortunately, I think we are going to have to stick the baby in SDs room. She is the quietest kid, thus could probably be hanging out in her room while baby is napping though the plan is baby naps in the living room. She is not here on school nights so the baby will not keep her up when it really matters. When she isn't hanging out with us, she's hanging out in her bed on her phone so she doesn't have a lot of 'stuff'. It's not an ideal solution but we're really out of space for now.

bayside14 · September 2014

OP, You do whatever works best for YOUR family. It doesn't have to be "fair" for everyone all the time. There are families where 8 children share a room bc that's all they can afford. You find a way to make it work. You can't bend over backwards to ensure your SK is perfectly comfortable in your home and then forget that your kid, who only has this home and not a second one to go to, needs a comfortable space too. Don't stress it too much, I'm confident you'll figure out a perfectly good set up.

Ilumine · September 2014

bayside14 said:

I would put the new baby in your SDs room bc like you said, that doesn't make sense to have 3 kids in 1 room and the other empty half the time. And besides, she's 14. If she's anything like my SD, she's at the age where she wants to have sleepovers at friends houses all the time anyway ;-)

So what your saying, you are hoping that your

bayside14 said:

OP, You do whatever works best for YOUR family. It doesn't have to be "fair" for everyone all the time. There are families where 8 children share a room bc that's all they can afford. You find a way to make it work. You can't bend over backwards to ensure your SK is perfectly comfortable in your home and then forget that your kid, who only has this home and not a second one to go to, needs a comfortable space too. Don't stress it too much, I'm confident you'll figure out a perfectly good set up.

Wow...you are a peach.

SO basically you are saying that it is perfectly OK for the 13 yo to not get a full nights sleep or have access to personal space two times a day at 60-90 minutes a pop because she is only part of the family PART TIME.

Let me ask you, @bayside14. If you were vacationing and were woken up by the people in the next hotel at midnight and then were told that you could not get into your hotel room 2 times during the day, how would you react?

I highly doubt that you would be ok with that. But having two similar aged children sharing a room is somehow worse?

Ginlyn0 · September 2014

A playroom is not a necessity and choosing to have one over giving the teen that room is wrong. I don't care how small your house supposedly is. We have 3 bedrooms and not extra spaces only kitchen and living. Us in one, DD & SD in another and my 2 SSs and DS in the other. So all of DS's baby stuff was in the living room and he slept in our room until 2 even thoug my SSs are here EO weekend/holidays and summer. Sell some toys. Kids don't need a playroom that is a convience that you are choosing. All of the baby's items can go in it's room when the teen has their own. You make do with what you have until you get a bigger space but you are choosing to have a playroom over a child having a bedroom and that is ridiculous.

bayside14 · September 2014

^^ I don't recall OP saying she has a playroom? Unless I missed something.

Ginlyn0 · September 2014

Look again it's in her reply. She left it out of her OP most likely so she could get the answers she wanted to hear instead of the ones she needs to hear.

+just+j+ · September 2014

La79al, why is the playroom not an option? Is it really a formal dining? Just curious.

la79al · September 2014

The playroom has to stay. Its on the first floor, where we spend all of our awake time. Moving the toys to the girls bedroom would make them unable to walk into the room. Plus our living room is too small for any baby gear other than the pack n play so the swing, etc will end up in the playroom. DH works nights and sleeps upstairs so running up and down during the day for any reason doesn't work. Like I said, the baby will nap downstairs so SD would have free reign of her room during the day. And the baby will be sharing a dresser with a DD so it will be just the crib in the room. The more I am talking this out, the more I am realizing that all of the bedrooms really need to stay upstairs ( because DH sleeps during the day and SD can be in her room without the girls bothering her because they arent allowed upstairs during the day). I guess I could consider moving all dressers into SD bedroom and putting the crib in with DDs but I'm not sure that would help SD with privacy at all.

+just+j+ · September 2014

Honestly...I think you need a bigger home with a better layout. When I was considering having my first child, my husband and I had a 3 bedroom home and we considered our home and it's logistics as part of the decision. Since none of the kids want the basement, what about fixing up the basement room so your husband can sleep away from everyone without disruption?

+just+j+ · September 2014

The other option is to fix the basement room up in the basement as the playroom, therefore putting even more space between your kids and sleeping husband, and make the first floor room the older child's room. As a child from the age of five that's what my mother did for us. The basement was our space and we could be loud.

+just+j+ · September 2014

I'm also not buying the excuse they won't have room to walk if you put their toys in their room. If their room is that tiny, and yours as well, you have a tiny home for having yet another child, and you need a bigger home. I suggest not having more children after this one because you'll really be forced into another dilemma if you refuse to move. If your house is not small, then you have way too much stuff. Start purging.

Sigir · September 2014

If they really have so many toys that they can't fit in their rooms, you need a toy rotation (put some in the basement when not playing w them). No kid needs that many toys. Sounds like you've already decided what you want to do and are just looking for validation but putting the baby w your ds is wrong.

hopanka · September 2014

Putting the baby in SD's room is a shitty move on your part. It's your baby, you should deal with being woken up at night, not her. If your bedroom cannot fit a crib, wich Im not sure Im buying, then I guess you shoud switch bedrooms with SD. You and your H move into a bedroom that can fit a crib. Again, why shouldnt you be the one sleeping closest to the baby since you're the parent and will have to tend to the baby at night anyway?

SueBear · September 2014

Have you thought of getting bunk beds for DD1 and DD2? That would free up space in their room for a pack-n-play or bassinet for the baby to sleep in.

I would have suggested moving DD7 into SD2's room - that way she has her own room while SD is away, and she is closest in age to SD. The two youngest (DD2 and baby) share the other room.

la79al · September 2014

DD1 and DD2 are already in bunk beds. DD1 rooming with SD is not an option, they get along like cats and dogs. We've suggested it and SD has said no way. There is no basement option, not physically possible. Even moving someone into the first floor playroom is not an option. DH sleeps during the day so our room has to be upstairs. DD1 and DD2 go to bed super early so their bedroom has to be upstairs. If we move SD downstairs, DD1 and DD2 will be bugging her constantly. Right now, she can spend the whole day in her room and since DH is asleep up there, the littler girls can't go up so she has peace and quiet. Our bedroom is the largest bedroom, we have a queen bed in there and I turn sideways to slide against a wall to get into it. But you know what, SD is a very mature 13 year old. Once we tell her about the baby, we will point out that the baby will need to sleep somewhere and let her help come up with the solution. She knows the layout of our house, how well everyone sleeps, etc, I'm sure she'll be able to come up with something she can live with. Thanks all for your insight, it has really helped me do some considering.

Ilumine · September 2014

OP, you still have not answered the question of WHY CAN'T THE 5 an

la79al said:

DD1 and DD2 are already in bunk beds. DD1 rooming with SD is not an option, they get along like cats and dogs. We've suggested it and SD has said no way. There is no basement option, not physically possible. Even moving someone into the first floor playroom is not an option.

So why again can't you use the first floor playroom again? So they can't play in the living room? You can't figure out storage solutions that allow the kids to take their toys out and put them back into their spaces at the end of the day?

My Daughter has a tiny ass room, coupled with her wanting to be with us when she plays. By the age of 3.5 she knew how to put one toy back before she took another out (and yes, I did have to be on her because she was/is only a child).

Is it the most perfect solution, but it beats asking your 13yo to sleep with a baby.

DH sleeps during the day so our room has to be upstairs. DD1 and DD2 go to bed super early so their bedroom has to be upstairs. If we move SD downstairs, DD1 and DD2 will be bugging her constantly.

Then as the parent, YOU DEAL WITH THAT?

Right now, she can spend the whole day in her room and since DH is asleep up there, the littler girls can't go up so she has peace and quiet.

And then the baby will come. What are you going to do with her when the baby takes a nap. What are you going to do when the baby gets up for her two to three feedings at night. Are you going to go into the room, take the baby out to feed and rock back to sleep someplace else, then go back into the room to lay the baby down (with a prayer that the baby stays to sleep when you drop him/her off in the crib.

I get that when you don't have space, you do what you have to do. But you actually DO have a solution that would work. You are choosing to not give up your toy room.

Toys are not a necessity. But sleep is. Having your oldest daughter feel like she matters as the oldest daughter in the family, even if its just every other weekend matters.

Our bedroom is the largest bedroom, we have a queen bed in there and I turn sideways to slide against a wall to get into it. But you know what, SD is a very mature 13 year old. Once we tell her about the baby, we will point out that the baby will need to sleep somewhere and let her help come up with the solution. She knows the layout of our house, how well everyone sleeps, etc, I'm sure she'll be able to come up with something she can live with. Thanks all for your insight, it has really helped me do some considering.

Look, I am the first one to tell you that I do not love my SS like I love my Daughter. I am also the first one to say that FAIR does not mean EQUAL and that SOMETIMES that means that the Stepchild doesn't get first consideration.

Because while I do not love my SS as much as I love my DD, I treat them equally when it comes to how I run my household. That means that my SS gets the bigger room because he is older. That also means that when he is not home, I don't hold off going places with SD because in an intact family, if an older or younger sibling had another activity/party to go to, you don't keep the entire family home while the kid goes to his party.

Which is also why I would not plan a vacation for when one of my children is out of town...unless their is something truly conflicting.

Blended families are tricky. They have added minefields.

But I want to ask you this? if it was your biological daughter who was being asked to sleep with her baby half-sister when there was a room available, how would you feel?

CurlieWhirlie · September 2014

If it was me, I would feel uncomfortable going into a stepchild's room (a teenager, at that) multiple times in the middle of the night to tend to the baby. I mean, I have two stepsons, so it's different because they're boys, but I can imagine that even if they were girls I still wouldn't feel comfortable being in their space during the night. There is something very exposed and vulnerable about sleeping — I don't want to intrude on that, nor would I want anyone intruding on me in that situation. Especially as a teenager!

We've had to consider things like this, too, believe me. Right now our five month old sleeps in our room, and it's really not a big room. He'll be there with us until he's sleeping consistently through the night, and then he'll move in with one of his brothers. I fully expect him to be in our room for at least another year.

hopanka · September 2014

What I can't picture is the fact that you claim you have the biggest bedroom, yet cannot fit a crib in it, but somehow you can fit it in SD's room. I'm having a hard time believing that the master bedroom has only enough space on either side of the queen bed for you to squeeze in sideways...is that like a foot on each side? Well, what about the foot of the bed? Just doesn't make sense because if the other rooms are even smaller, not sure how you manage to fit a crib in SD's room (a smaller room). Either way, you could always use a bassinet in your room for the first few months, too. That is tiny.

Wahoo · September 2014

I am not in the camp that thinks the downstairs playroom is such a great idea. Call me crazy and paranoid, but I don't like the idea of a child being all alone by themselves on the bottom floor of a house (IMO they are vulnerable, or, able to play on their phone or sneak out at night) and I don't like the idea of "the bio-family" being all upstairs together while SD is separated from everyone else. It just does not sit will with me.

My DD once asked me what we would do if I had another baby (she was 10 at the time, her brother was 8) and I told her a girl would be in her room with her, and if we had a boy the boys would move to her room (the biggest) and she would have her brother's room by herself. We have a study downstairs and I would not dream of using it - not because it is a great study, but because I would not want the a child by themsleves.

A key issue IMO is if the baby is a boy or a girl. I would have NO problem putting a 13 yo with her newborn sister if that was the room available - maybe having the baby in a portable bassinet that could be moved if she is really cranky in the night. However, I don't think it's appropriate for a 13yo to share a room with a boy. Even a newborn does not feel right with me. In fact, I'm not sure it's even allowed in some states (I know opposite gender children must have their own rooms, but I don't know what the age of the children have to be - if one is older does it matter if the other is a baby?)

You might want to invest in new bunk beds for the girls room - and include a trundle for the baby. The trundle can roll back under the bed. If that space is already used for clothes toys - - oh well, I guess everyone will have to get creative with where they store their things.

I will say, OP, that you seem really set in your ways and not open to new ideas. Having room for PEOPLE is more important than having room for toys. I would take a list of options (moving SD downstairs to the toy room, moving the baby into SDs room and having them share) and present the ideas to her and ask her what she thinks.

For the first six months, you can use a moses basket (make sure it has a firm mattress) or a small portable bassinet (skinnier than a pack-n-play) in your room. They do make cribs and bassinets for small spaces. Heck, you can even put it in the hallway if there is truly "no space" in your room.

kristinc01 · September 2014

I would consider making the toy room the baby's room. If the baby is napping downstairs anyway then the extra noise from having a room on the main floor shouldn't bother him/her. You would have a baby monitor to know if the baby was up at night and there would be no worries about waking up any other kids if the baby woke up at night.

You could consider keeping the toys in half the room if you don't think they would fit upstairs in any of the other rooms. A baby won't care. My sister-in-law has her baby sleep on the main floor in the office but has the baby clothes upstairs so the room is still mainly and office with just a crib in it. She likes that when she get ups at night with him she doesn't have to bother the rest of the family.

Michelle N · September 2014

oops, I don't go here!

But OP, if I were in your situation I would find a way to co-sleep to buy extra time to move, if you can't move before the baby.

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