Concerns over taking time off

bluedawn914 · August 2014

DH and I have been considering trying for baby#3. I am all for it, except that I have concerns. A year ago I was promoted to supervisor and I am concerned that if we do move forward with trying and we are successful that taking leave will negatively impact my career. Has anyone gone through something similar? Are you the supervisor or manager of a department and took leave while in that position. My main concern is that when I return they will have given my position away and they will simply have another place for me. My only other concern is childcare if we proceed. Currently both sets of in laws take turns and watch our boys. They do it for free which has been a HUGE help to my DH & I. But I'm beginning to feel like we take advantage of them...even though they love watching the boys. Anyone else feel like they should not have a baby/another baby unless they can pay for childcare?

rodiesmum · August 2014

"Anyone else feel like they should not have a baby/another baby unless they can pay for childcare?"

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Isn't this a must when considering to conceive?

as for your other question re: your position, i thing the law provides that they should not give away your position while you are on ML. I think your concern is more on your boss getting turned off by you having to take another ML/or will be taking an ML after a handsome promotion -- which i think is unfair.

At this point probably, what you may want to consider before conceiving is if you can handle childcare costs for three, because loike what PP said, even if your ILs are great with your boys, that doesnt mean they could provide care for them as long as you'd like them to.

VOR · August 2014

There are many reasons why we're one and done. One of the reasons is that to have another would have meant having to pay for daycare for 2 kids. My parents watched DS for us a LOT and it was a huge help - but I strongly suspect that 2 kids would have been too much for them.

Too many people are a bit too "oh, don't worry- it will work out" about having kids, but I don't fully believe that. I've seen quite a few women come here upset because "my mom/MIL said they'd watch the baby but now they say they can't - we can't afford child care!!!!".

People need to understand the impact of having kids and be prepared for all situations. If people RELY on others to watch their child for free and can't afford otherwise... Id say that they aren't ready to have kids/ more kids.

I'm not saying that's you - this is a bigger picture comment. BUT yes - you do need to go into this decision realizing that your free daycare situation may come to an end. More kids could be too much for your older parents.

As far as your job goes - if you'r company is large enough, you'd be protected by FMLA. They have to hold your job or give you an equivalent job when you return. And honestly- I dont' know that I'd not have a child because of what could but very well might not happen (i.e. it hurting my career) as far as my job goes.

MommyAtty · August 2014

Yup. You need to consider child care expenses. And I'm at a general director level with direct reports and took maternity leave. If you plan well and your team executes, I think it helps show you're a good leader. But, with that being said, a whole lot of people will question your commitment to your career every time you have a child. I did it twice in 2 years. Both times I had to have meetings with people at the top levels of my company so they could ask veiled questions about whether I would return and if so if I would be the same employee. It's maddening.

ASmallWonder · August 2014

I don't think anyone should intentionally have children they can't afford to put in a paid childcare situation. Of course if there are free resources available, that's wonderful but free may not last forever so I don't think anyone should make intentional decisions based on "free."

Katelobster · August 2014

I also have free grandma childcare, although I just have one child.
Is at least one of your older children ready for pre-k? Could you send one or both of your boys to pre-k (either public school or private/daycare based) for at least part of the day to give your parents a break? I do think it is a LOT to ask to have them watch 3 kids on a regular basis. I agree that anyone with family childcare needs a Plan B in case the parents become unable/unwilling to continue the arrangement. With one kid, my Plan B is daycare, which would be over half my take-home income (ugh) and with two, we know we would be OK if I quit to SAH and I would be happy with that option.

groovygrl · August 2014

3 kids is a lot to ask, throwing a baby in w/ 2 older more active ones where the grandparents are now outnumbered just seems like a lot. I would see if you can at least afford other care for the older 2. This may be morbid but what happens if one of the grandparents isn't around anymore or cannot help w/ care in the same way as before? (I say this b/c my own father died when my kids were 2 months old. my mom was not going to be our caregiver but had that been the plan, we would have had a big problem.)
GL

di0607 · August 2014

My mil watched ds1 until he was 18 months. Putting him in daycare was the best thing we ever did for him. He learned so much, none of their grandparents could teach them as much as daycare taught them. Ds2 was with a nanny until 11 months and then off to daycare. He is so much better adjusted and able to deal with situations than ds1 at that age. Even discussions regarding Child 3 are on hold until we are in a better place financially.

ASmallWonder · August 2014

amy052006 said:
I can't see your tickers but honestly three kids in daycare would have to mean they are right in top of each other. My initial thought is why not wait until at least one is in school?

I mean whatever. I wouldn't not have three kids on the off chance that one day maybe my free daycare would no longer exist. If everyone, including my care provider, was in board I'd do it, because frankly life is too short to base everything on catastrophic what ifs. I mean, by that thinking lots of people shouldn't have one kid because "what if" that child had horrible health issues and bankrupt them.

But again, I don't get it, because unless you having these kids Duggar style can't you wait until your oldest is in school?

You think people should have kids while receiving free help without even talking to the people providing that help and without the possibility of affording an alternative?

bluedawn914 · August 2014

DS1 is in Preschool three days a week for a few hours each of those days. DS2 is not quite old enough but when DS1 starts Kindergarten then DS2 will start preschool a few days a week as well. And my husband and I are paying for the preschool. So my bigger concern was affording 5 days a week for DS2 and baby#3 if the free care no longer desires to watch our kids. We could manage it if we made some adjustments to our budget. Thanks for all your thoughts.

VOR · August 2014

amy052006 said:

Normally I'm a big believer that it is no one's business but yours and your H's to discuss TTC another one.

But if I had people watching my kids for free for almost 5 years already (I'm guessing based on your ticker) I'd be having a frank talk with them before I even thought about TTC too. For all you know they're counting down until your youngest is in school and they have their free time back and TTC/having baby #3 sets them back 6+ years.

I wouldn't have a third if I couldn't afford paid childcare for all of them. It's not fair to keep having kids and having your parents watch them for free all the time.
Not fair to who though? That's not everyone's family dynamic. Hell, my father wants us to have another in two years when he retires because he is jealous of the time my mother gets with them. That's my point -- if you have care, and the caregiver is board, then why not? Because frankly losing your free care probably has the same odds of you losing your job. Life isn't without risks.

Even if they are on board w/ the IDEA of a third, you still have to be responsible. I've been MANY people come here with ONE kid upset because their parents swore they'd be daycare, but once the child was here - the grandparents realized it was too much work for them. Going from 2 to 3 is a big change and the grandparents may way "yes! Have another" out of excitement, or the because they don't want to be the reason you don't, or... who knows why. But the REALITY of 3 kids might end up being too much.

ASmallWonder · September 2014

amy052006 said:

Normally I'm a big believer that it is no one's business but yours and your H's to discuss TTC another one.

But if I had people watching my kids for free for almost 5 years already (I'm guessing based on your ticker) I'd be having a frank talk with them before I even thought about TTC too. For all you know they're counting down until your youngest is in school and they have their free time back and TTC/having baby #3 sets them back 6+ years.

I wouldn't have a third if I couldn't afford paid childcare for all of them. It's not fair to keep having kids and having your parents watch them for free all the time.
Not fair to who though? That's not everyone's family dynamic. Hell, my father wants us to have another in two years when he retires because he is jealous of the time my mother gets with them. That's my point -- if you have care, and the caregiver is board, then why not? Because frankly losing your free care probably has the same odds of you losing your job. Life isn't without risks.

See, I see it differently. Having kids when you know you can't afford all the things they need that could require money (and I'm talking the must haves - food, shelter, clothing and paid care if you need to work) is more like quitting your job that you know you need to pay for the must haves, kwim? Also, if you lose your job sure, you may struggle to find a new one - I'm not discounting how hard that can be - but your odds of finding another are far greater than finding another person in your life willing to provide free full time care to your children.

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