Sibling age gap.

mechedes · August 2014

Hi ladies!!

So, my son will be turning 15 in October. I've always wanted to give him at least two siblings. The relationship with his dad was terrible so I knew I didn't want to bring more kids into that mess.

Now I'm happily remarried and TTC. People say I'm crazy for wanting to "start all over again". Although I try not to listen to them, I do worry about the huge age gap.

Have any of you experienced anything similar? My oldest sister is 9 years older than me, but there are four siblings in between so I stuck with my brother who is two years older.

What do you think are benefits or disadvantages?

nandaboob06 · August 2014

Im 10 years older than my sib. It was rough at first because I was basically left to raise her. Long story there. Im sure you're not going to pawn your baby off on you son like my sister was on me.

Like I said it was rough but now that we're both older things are better and we're pretty close.

mechedes · August 2014

nandaboob06 said:
Im 10 years older than my sib. It was rough at first because I was basically left to raise her. Long story there. Im sure you're not going to pawn your baby off on you son like my sister was on me.

Like I said it was rough but now that we're both older things are better and we're pretty close.

The people who tell me I'm crazy usually say this, "well, at least you'll have a live-in babysitter"..
Nope.. Not gonna happen. I wouldn't do that to him.

Sorry you had to experience that.

thewickedfairy · August 2014

DH was 15 when his youngest brother was born. He said there were times that were trying because he was left to babysit a lot, but his said looking back on it, it wasn't that bad.

DS and DD are 4.5 years apart. People thought we were nuts. But we wanted more and had just experienced a loss (not trying to bring this thread down, sorry). Now, we have decided for #3, DD will be 3 next month. No one knows, though. I'm sure we will get the, "you're crazy for having 3" thing, but I don't care.

I know it's easier said than done, but don't let others opinions bring down your happiness and wanting more kids. You know what's right for you and your family.

nittanyllama · August 2014

My mom had my sister when I was 18 and my brother was 15. I am close to my sister and I love her to pieces but I feel more like her second mom. We're not sharing the experience of growing up together, you know?

From my moms point of view, she was still pretty young and I think she was happy. I went off the college the year my sister was born and people gave her a hard time about starting over. She always says how bored she'd be if she didn't still have my little sister at home.

nocatanywhere · August 2014

My oldest sib is six years older than me, so not a huge gap, but he and I definitely aren't as close as I am with my other siblings closer in age. They're always going to be in completely different places in life, so it may be tough to connect sometimes, but that's okay. Even though my older brother and I aren't super close, we still care a lot about each other. We spend a lot more time together since he had kids and moved to the same area as me, so our relationship is stronger now.

Ant&Al2825 · August 2014

My sisters are 9 and 15 years older than I. We didn't have a great relationship until I was in high school. Now we're extremely close, and I'm actually much closer to the older of the two. The one perk we all talk about now is getting undivided attention at some point in our lives.

Cythe · August 2014

My oldest sibling was 18 when I was born, the youngest sibling was 11. I've always wanted to really be a part of their bond growing up, but never was. They were always good to me, including me when they could, but when you're married and having babies and I'm only 8... Its hard. That said, now that I'm an adult as well, its a lot easier. We are all at least sort of at the same point in life now.

I would never dream of telling someone how many kids they should have, but I would say that if you were to have more than one child now, those two (or more!) would always share something that your oldest would not. I do agree with PPs, don't let anyone - including me - bring down your happiness. Have babies, be happy.

nandaboob06 · August 2014

Adding to @Jesiy_Lyn‌ 's post, regardless of if you have 4 kids under 5 like I do, kids 15 years apart, or even the "perfect spacing" (eyeroll) of two years (and no more than two kids remember) people are going to say something. Do what you and your husband want and fuck (but not literally) everyone else.

mechedes · August 2014

nittanyllama said:
My mom had my sister when I was 18 and my brother was 15. I am close to my sister and I love her to pieces but I feel more like her second mom. We're not sharing the experience of growing up together, you know?

From my moms point of view, she was still pretty young and I think she was happy. I went off the college the year my sister was born and people gave her a hard time about starting over. She always says how bored she'd be if she didn't still have my little sister at home.

I feel the way your mom felt about being bored. My son will be graduating high school soon and going away to college.. He's excited about me having another child not because he'll have a sibling so much, but because I'll stop being an "overbearing mother", as he puts it. Lol.

I hope having a younger sibling will keep him closer to home.. Wishful thinking. Haha.

mechedes · August 2014

@Jesiy_Lyn‌ Thanks! I'm trying really hard not to listen to people's negativity.

mechedes · August 2014

@nocatanywhere‌ I worry about them not having anything in common and lacking things to connect with. But hopefully things will be ok.

nocatanywhere · August 2014

It always depends on personality, too. And I'm sure, no matter what, they'll love a younger sibling and want to keep them safe.

mechedes · August 2014

@LongLiveTheEvilQueen‌ , first off, I love your screen name

And you're right, every situation is different. My oldest sister is 43 and my youngest is 24. They also aren't very close. I'm kinda smack in the middle (I have six siblings). I hope that being that my son is an only child he'll develop a relationship with his future sibling.

mechedes · August 2014

@LongLiveTheEvilQueen‌ Yes, we've talked about it. When he was between the ages of 3-7 he begged for a sibling. He hated being an only child. He's gotten used to it now but says, "it would be cool to have a little brother"
He has the same concerns as I do though. He worries he won't spend as much time with him (he's set on a brother) because of college/work.

mechedes · August 2014

DarcyHermione said:
I'm 13 years older than my youngest brother and I have a brother a year older than me. We made it work. Our relationship was a bit different, but we get along well. Honestly I've argued with him less than any of my other brothers.

My mother is 20 years older than her youngest brother (17 years for sister and 15 for other brother). She spent a lot of time babysitting, but they were still able to form a good strong relationship.

I keep seeing the babysitting as a recurring theme. I keep saying that I won't do that to my son, but I can see how it's easy for parents to do that. I hope that when the time comes I can find a good balance.

MAdams728 · August 2014

I am 13 years older than my brother (I am 34, he is 21). We do not really have a relationship at all. I left home just as he was going to kindergarten, and even before that, I was a busy teen with activities and friends and was not interested in a little kid. After I moved out, I would see him occasionally on weekends, and that was about it. We are polite with each other now, but that is about the extent of our relationship.

On the flip side, DH has three much younger brothers through his dad's second marriage. They are 11, 13 and 15 years younger than him. He loves them all, and now that they are all grown we do a lot together.

pippacricket · August 2014

Who's to say that just because you had kids close in age, they'd get along anyways? I'm sure there are plenty of siblings that have less of an age gap but aren't that close. I'm 5 years older than my youngest brother. We're not as close as I am with my middle brother (who's 2 years younger than me) but I think it's more to do with personalities than age. My two brothers aren't that close either and they're only 3 years apart.

Also my mom made we watch my brothers when I was in middle school and I really wasn't that much older than them. So don't think that you'd be a crappy mom if your older son does end up having to put in a few babysitting hours. It happens to the best of us.

icaughtfire · August 2014

DD just turned 5, and it wasn't until recently that I felt like I could even handle having another kid. People acted like we were crazy for not TFAS as soon as she hit 1-2 years old. Do I think a smaller age gap could give them a better relationship? Sure, but they'd have one stressed out mama. Do what's best for you & your family.

For what it's worth, I'm an only child but my cousin & I were always together growing up. We're 2 years apart & fought like crazy.

courtyowl427 · September 2014

My husband was an only child for 29 years! Crazy, I know. It's an extreme situation. She will be 3 tomorrow. I think they are as close as they can be, she knows he's her brother, but at 3 she has no clue what that really means. It's hard for my DH because his Dad wasn't a constant in his life, and now he has this new family and he is really there for the little girl. Of course he's happy for her that she has him in her life, it's just complicated. My hope for the future is that his sister is close to our kids. Maybe she can come on family vacations with us and have a cousin like relationship. I'm hopeful.

KingLED · September 2014

I'm one of seven and the only sibling I even remotely get along with is 16 years younger than me. Age gap when they're young might be weird but as they get older it won't matter anymore.

divinemsbee · September 2014

I think age difference matters so much less than personality and how you raise your kids in terms of the closeness of their bond. My sibs and I are within a 5 year age range (me, my brother 2 years later, my sis three years after that). My brother and I were really close until we hit tween-age, and maybe a little after that, because our interests diverged a lot. I love him, and we get along because we have similar touchstones in our lives, but we don't really talk a lot and we're not close. My sister and I fought like cats and dogs and it's really only been in the past couple of years (after I got married) that we've started to get along. There was a profound oldest to youngest difference in how we were raised (we went from clinging to the lower middle class to comfortable from my childhood to my early 20s, so my sister was able to have a lot of things I didn't), and especially because my sister is my mom's baby. It was rough. We get along now, but we're slowly rebuilding what we laid to waste in our teenage years.

When we started (I was 28, practically 29) we wanted 4 kids by the time I was 36. Ha. We'd still like 4, but that's going to push me a bit later into my 30s, which I'm not wild about but can do. A lot depends on how much longer it takes for us to get a first. Ideally we'd want them close, but if we have trouble again it could affect that. As well as things like whether I have to have a C-section and what my doctors say and all of that.

mechedes · September 2014

courtyowl427 said:
My husband was an only child for 29 years! Crazy, I know. It's an extreme situation. She will be 3 tomorrow. I think they are as close as they can be, she knows he's her brother, but at 3 she has no clue what that really means. It's hard for my DH because his Dad wasn't a constant in his life, and now he has this new family and he is really there for the little girl. Of course he's happy for her that she has him in her life, it's just complicated. My hope for the future is that his sister is close to our kids. Maybe she can come on family vacations with us and have a cousin like relationship. I'm hopeful.

Wow!! 29 years is huge!! Here I was worried about 15. I'm glad though that you are finding a way to make it work. I like the idea of including her in family vacations.

mechedes · September 2014

@GhostMonkey‌ it's not that at all.. I'm just saying I don't want to give him too much responsibility that he is not ready for. Of course I know he'll be a huge help, but I don't want to take advantage of him. He's going to have a plate full with his teenage activities, I would not want him to feel like his baby sibling is a burden on him.

paigeed · September 2014

My parents both had two kids before they got married. So my siblings currently are 46, 42, 40, 38, then me at 24 and little brother is 23.

Growing up they all included me and were more like aunts or uncles then siblings. They really took me under their wing though and now I have a relationship with all but the oldest one.

Being so far apart was hard. We had different experiences growing up and our parents were in different financial situations. Sometimes they would tell my little brother and I that we were the "golden children." Because they felt we were favored.

Idk pros and cons I suppose...I will say I'm much closer to my little brother than my 15+ year older siblings.

mechedes · September 2014

@paigeed‌ yeah, I'm in a completely different situation now than I was when I had my son. I do feel that at some point my son may feel somewhat resentful. I was only 20 and was practically a single mom, so I now I'll be able to provide different experiences for a future child. I did the best I could, but being so young it was difficult.

BillyHorrible · September 2014

My mom was 6 years younger than her sister. She describes it as being like an only child. Her sister ran away from home at 16, so when my mom was 10 and she really grew up without her. My aunt always resented my mother (still does). DH is 9 years younger than his brother, and also had the "only child" experience. He's never been close to his brother.

Both of those experiences made me want to have kids closer in age. I'm really close to my brother and there's a 2 year difference. We're polar opposites but we have a shared history that really brings us together. We grew up with the same crazy, the same experiences, the same teachers, all that jazz,

paigeed · September 2014

@mechedes‌ the reason I don't get along with my oldest sister who is 21 years older is because of 2 things:

1. She resents me and thinks I am my mother and fathers favorite. (This is not true. They love us equally. I just live within 20 miles and help them with what they need done. She lives 4 hours away and can't pick up and help.

2. She treats me like I'm still a child. I'm sure it's hard for her to see me as a productive adult, especially one that has made it farther in my 24 years than she in her 46.

It's hard for me to see her feeling that way but I have to keep living my life. It's not like I call her to rub in my situation. I think we just had too many different experiences and not enough that brought us closer.

My other siblings would take me to 4h, waterworld, do crafts with me, another sister would send me letters once or twice and month and be my pen pal. It's all about creating a bond and the oldest sister never did that with me.

maggie515 · September 2014

I am second to youngest out of 8! My closest older sib is 10 yrs older than me. The youngest is 5yrs younger than me. I wouldn't change it for anything. It's not a "typical" sibling spacing but we all love each other and bring good things to our family. When I hear that people are "starting over" I congratulate them and let them know how much I loved my childhood amongst grown sibs. Some of their kids are my age so my nieces and nephews feel more like cousins to me. I think that helps with the close relationships growing up too. Good luck to you, move forward and don't look back!

mechedes · September 2014

Thank you @maggie515! and to the rest of you ladies who took the time to share your experiences with me.

Starting over is really scary, but also very exciting! It's not the ideal situation and I wish I could have given him siblings at a younger age. But then again, I wasn't in a point in my life where I felt ready to have another kid just for the sake of giving him a sibling. I've been with my husband for 7 years (but just recently married) and he's been wanting a baby for a long time, he doesn't have any kids. But he's been patient and waited til I was ready.

I'll remain hopeful that the age gap won't be a problem.

Thanks again ladies.

Edit: posted before I was done.

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