Terrified after miscarriage

GummiBearJ · August 2014

Hi everyone,

I've been lurking on this board since I had a missed miscarriage at 16 weeks a few weeks ago (baby stopped growing at 14.4). I went for a routine checkup and was told there was no heartbeat, and the baby had "massive edema" which indicated a chromosomal or cardiac problem. I just can't understand why nothing was visible at my 12 week ultrasound, and it came as a total shock. I had to be induced in the hospital, go into labor, and deliver my baby...and then needed a D&C afterwards because the placenta didn't pass. It's been very traumatic physically and emotionally and I feel so sad, desolate, and scared.

This was my first pregnancy and I was so happy and excited. We got pregnant on the first try and I was finally feeling secure in my second trimester and starting to plan. We had told everyone - I told my co-workers and we made a Facebook announcement and everyone seemed thrilled for us. Now, I just feel embarrassed and ashamed and awkward and I've been pretty reclusive as a result. Rationally I know it wasn't my fault but it just feels like I was punished for my arrogance in telling the world, or something like that.

Anyway, at the moment I'm having terrible anxiety thinking I'll never have children. They sent the baby for testing so eventually, hopefully, they'll know what caused it to swell and to die (I chose not to find out the gender, at least not now). However, I'm so, so scared they'll tell me that the baby died because of some kind of incompatibility between me and my husband, and that we will never be able to have a healthy baby. I feel like if I just knew that this was truly something random, I might be able to find some peace and closure and start focusing on trying again (although I have to wait 2 to 3 cycles). I'm also scared that somehow all this has wrecked my cycles and I won't be able to get pregnant again, or I'll miscarry again because of something else unpredictable, like an incompetent cervix (it sucks that you can't know about this until after it happens!). I think because this happened in the second trimester, when I thought I was "safe," my anxiety is even more out of control.

Has anyone else experienced these fears? How did you cope with them? Is it really possible that my miscarriage could mean that all hope of having a biological child is lost?

daystardreams · August 2014

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I had that irrational thought also that maybe since I was so happy that losing my baby was what I deserved. Nobody deserves to be that happy, right? The first several months after I lost my baby, I was sort of a roller coaster of emotions but I'm starting to feel normal-ish now after four months. Just remember that everything you are thinking or feeling is normal, it's part of the grief process.

Like previous poster mentioned, reading the stories of success after loss really help me with my fears of not being able to conceive a healthy baby. When you are ready, there is a board here called pregnant after a loss and parenting after a loss. Reading their success stories is really, very helpful to me. I'm so sorry for your loss, take some time for yourself and grieve however you want. There is no time limit or right way to grieve.

kerbear135 · August 2014

I am so sorry for your loss and for all the issues you've had regarding it. It's totally normal to feel everything you're feeling. Like pp said, there are a couple of other boards that may have more success stories than this one. I had a relatively healthy pregnancy after our first loss, so don't give up all hope. Take time to recover first though, physically and emotionally. Be kind to yourself and aloo yourself time to process all this.

soulcupcake · August 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My heart goes out to you and yours. Many hugs.

It really can be quite terrifying after experiencing a loss, especially after allowing it to settle in and getting into the second trimester. What you're feeling is normal. The fear and anxiety are normal, and you're still grieving and mourning. All hope is not lost. I hope you find answers, closure, and this will provide useful information for you and your husband for when you begin TTC again.

I won't claim pregnancy is peachy and fine after experiencing a loss. Some women feel relieved once they get into the second trimester or begin to feel movement, and for others the anxiety lasts much longer, until the baby is born alive and well. I fit the latter. After losing my first son so late in pregnancy it forever changed my reality and what I know to be true, and what is a reality for many families. While I was extremely ecstatic when I got my BFP with my second son, my rainbow baby, I was terrified and anxious throughout much of my pregnancy. I never felt relieved or reassured no matter what the ultrasound reports showed. I kept my guard up because I didn't want to be unlucky twice. I didn't want to go through another pregnancy only to end up with empty arms again.

Thankfully, he was born alive and healthy, and remains so today. But it was a tough road and journey at times.

I'm expecting again, and while the anxiety and fear are not as severe as before, both are still present and come and go. I still don't feel completely "safe," even now at almost 25 weeks, and I won't until she's born breathing into my arms. I can hope for the best, be optimistic, but I'll always be conscious of that fear. I just try my best to enjoy the moments I do have.

Please be gentle on yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. What you're feeling is okay and normal. You don't have to sort it all out now. I hope you have a good support system.

GummiBearJ · August 2014

I really want to thank you all. Hearing that other women have experienced these fears reassures me - this has been such an isolating experience, despite having a great support system, and just the fact that you all took the time respond gives me a sense of warmth. It gives me hope to hear how you all are moving forward, especially since I know how hard it is. I wish none of you had to be on this board. For now I will take it day by day and focus on regrouping, and try to be gentle on myself. I hope I can be a support for others like you all have been for me.

sfazar · August 2014

My loss was in my 11th week, and I have felt many of these same fears. I found it helpful to look at the PGAL board (Pregnant After Loss). They post mantras to help them through, and even though I haven't been fortunate to have a viable conception yet, I find it helpful to read them and to know that there are ways to cope with fear and uncertainty.

erin4322 · August 2014

I am so, so sorry you are going through this. My heart goes out to you.

I just had an ectopic pregnancy and ended up telling several close friends about it. While I can absolutely understand that some people would not want to share, for me it was cathartic to talk about it with a few people I trusted.

I have been very surprised to learn that several of those friends also had losses. I had no idea! It has been tremendously comforting to hear their experiences, especially since they ALL went on to have healthy pregnancies (and I know all their children!). So basically I agree with the other posters - PGAL and Parenting After A Loss are great resources, and if you can talk to friends in real life, that might help too.

Sending you love.

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