anyone else having marital problems?

Jbosarge85 · August 2014

Since LO2 has come DH and I have been arguing all the time. I don't remember that happening with LO1 (although it might have). Today and tomorrow are his days off. Yesterday I told him I want to take Lo1 swimming and go to a hot air balloon festival. My mom offered to watch Lo2 but can only watch him from 1:30-2:45 because she gets off work at 1:30 and has a Dr appointment at 3. So he's there when we talk about it. When he gets up today he says he's going to the gym at 1...ummm...that won't work (he works out 2.5 hrs) and then we spend the next 2 hrs fighting. With him throwing a tantrum and saying he's going to stop working out and give up being in shape. And me being pissed that he never listens to me and when he's home he's not really here because he's watching crap on his phone. Unless I plan something he never spends time playing with our daughter (lo1) and only holds DS (lo2) when I ask him to. I'm so annoyed anyone else having issues?

cookieinva · August 2014

I can't get past working out for two hours, wow. Sorry you are having troubles.

tourqeyes · August 2014

It's not horrible but I still have my moments. We knew this was coming though, right before DS2 came we reminded ourselves to just fight (not literally) through the sleep deprivation / first few months that this baby is alive and the stress will ease up.

Obviously if you ever think things are bad enough, go talk to someone, but if you are like us right now things are just kind of chaotic and all over the place. It's rough, man, but I know it will get better.

tourqeyes · August 2014

+ It sounds like you need a date night.

Soon2BMrsN · August 2014

Even though I hate the term, I'm going to "piggyback" off of what @tourqeyes‌ said. Since this is our third, we knew that a certain "adjustment period" was bound to happen -- it always does. It is crazy and chaotic to add another person to the family routine and dynamic. Add less sleep to the equation and bam, little things spark bigger arguments than they normally would.

Definitely try for a date night and just keep in mind that this phase will pass. GL!

Love227 · August 2014

Things around here have been tense. DS2 cries, a lot. DS1 is 5 and he was such a good baby. He's just a sweet kid naturally. So having a baby who cries for everything is wearing on both us parents. It makes us less patient with each other.

ADC1979 · August 2014

I wish my DH would take 30 mins of your DH's gym time! But to me it sounds like maybe you were also trying to fit too much into a short time? I know that stresses me out. I totally understand wanting to get out and do something and wanting DH to have an interest in your kids! Definitely try for a date night...we're hoping to have one this weekend and we can't wait.

Prncesta · August 2014

DH and I have been arguing a lot also. We are first time parents and I think adding a new person to our dynamic added stress. We're trying our best to get along and not argue in front of the baby, but it's hard. Our LO cries a decent amount too and refuses to sleep so I think that adds to everything.

We both know it will get better once she's a bit older and on a better schedule. We've decided to go out once a month and leave her with my parents overnight so we can have some alone time...maybe you could try that?

Just be patient, it will work out

Knbh · August 2014

My DH is deployed right now, but I'm sure that there will be fights once he's home because of the readjustment period coupled with our first baby.

I remember reading that adults get really short with one and other since they're tired and frustrated. Since the stressed individual can't be short/frustrated directly at the baby, they tend to take it out on the spouse. I know that doesn't fix things, but it makes me personally feel better having a "why" behind my personal frustrations that I sometimes feel towards DH, even though he's gone.

I hope that things improve for you soon.

ksspiff · August 2014

I wish we could argue it out. We just get passive aggressive and fester.
It defintely hurts that we don't have much couple time or personal time to talk, bond or just decompress.

TexasGirl81 · August 2014

Count me in for sure! So much I could write about it, but I won't. I'm just really sad right now about the way we have been. I'm hoping for a miracle to get things back to normal. I hope everything goes well for all of you. Marriage is hard yo!

marsalisails · August 2014

Not so much marital problems, but we are just not on the same page when it comes to the every day right now. I have to keep reminding myself that men and women see things differently when it comes to priorities.

Example: my husband feels like it is his job to make sure that we are provided for and that the bills gets paid, we are saving as much as possible, and putting money into college accounts for the kids (he also mows the lawn, takes out the trash and does laundry - all once a week jobs). To me - an executive at a huge company - that's secondary. We are ok, and the bills are getting paid, and that's only a once a month job. What I need is for him to help me with the ten thousand things that have to get done ON A DAILY BASIS for us to ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO LIVE OUR LIVES. DAILY.

When was the last time he loaded the dishwasher, or CLEANED A FUCKING BATHROOM, or made countless phone calls to keep up with things like well visits, or school functions, or play dates, or grocery shopping, or cooking/planning meals, etc., etc., etc., etc. We both work ridiculous hours, but my work day is constantly interrupted with the personal, whereas he simply goes to work...and then comes home to a nice warm meal.

I am constantly having to course correct with him on what actually makes this family work. It's frustrating, but lately the increased communication about it has helped - I've really been working on HOW I initiate the conversation so that it doesn't automatically put him on the defensive. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. But it's been better.

That said, he's leaving us for three days this weekend to go work on his brothers race team for the last race of the season. Cue bitch face when he told me about it.

(Truthfully, it's just at my IL's house, but the idea of traveling 4.5 hours in the car with a 6 wo makes me want to kill myself. I'll just stay home and have my mom sleep over and have wine with me - sounds better!)

1982Babies · August 2014

I think he can give up going to the gym so often and so long for a little while and help out more. It won't make him fat overnight.

I'm sorry he's being a childish douchebag. Hope you guys pull through.

Pinksundrops · August 2014

When our boys were elementary age my DH and I figured out taking a ten minute shower together gave us ten minutes to talk face to face every evening (no hanky panky reasons). We've held that tradition for eight years or so. Now that LO is here we've only managed a few showers together - mostly when my mom was here helping out and once or twice with LO in his bouncer outside the shower or while he's sleeping. DH doesn't see the need to keep that as a priority anymore which makes me sad because doing so sure helps keep us on the same page. So we aren't fighting persay, we just aren't connecting like we used to. I'm a huge fan of the Five Love Languages and my love language is quality time. I'm not getting that right now at all and having to force myself not to hold it against him since I realize we are all exhausted with very little time between a newborn, high schooler, and middle schooler these days.

All that to say, I agree with PPs a date sounds in order - maybe even a standing date each week. Even if it's just ten minutes of talking purposefully to each other. And maybe less gym time now that priorities are refocused.

Also I hear you on the planning things to get them interacting and off the phone. That's a losing battle in my home, hence why I crave the shower time. But after years of being the planner and being too exhausted now to, DH is seeing the need with our teenage boys and picking up the slack while I stay home with LO. Maybe you could suggest a date with only him and DD? He could take her biking in a trailer or hiking with a backpack and work out while hanging out with her.

Jbosarge85 · August 2014

1982Babies said:
I think he can give up going to the gym so often and so long for a little while and help out more. It won't make him fat overnight.

I'm sorry he's being a childish douchebag. Hope you guys pull through.

The reason he's going to the gym is because he's a certified personal trainer and not in shape. He's trying to get in shape so he can start training again. He's doing a great job and I'm incredibly proud of him and tell him all the time but it does take away a lot of together time.

Jbosarge85 · August 2014

Thanks everyone for the advice and for sharing I'm not alone. We had a date night a few weeks ago. I know it will get better it's just irritating right now. @BPaws‌ the YouTube thing is exactly what he does with head phones in so I start talking to him and he doesn't respond because he can't hear me. Today we took the kids to the park and I told him to play with his daughter and he did but it was sad that I had to tell/ask him to.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

My DH is another one that picks random unnecessary projects instead of something that at the moment is more useful (like a household chore). He travels a lot so I know he likes to get things done while he's here, but his priorities are so not what mine are, lol. Like, organizing the stuff in the garage and cleaning the gutters. Fine, but he washed his clothes on Sunday night, I folded them on Monday and left them on top of the dryer, and they're still sitting there. I'm waiting to see how long it takes him to put them away, or if he'll leave them there until he needs to pack his suitcase this weekend.

marsalisails · August 2014

LeaLupins said:
My DH is another one that picks random unnecessary projects instead of something that at the moment is more useful (like a household chore). He travels a lot so I know he likes to get things done while he's here, but his priorities are so not what mine are, lol. Like, organizing the stuff in the garage and cleaning the gutters. Fine, but he washed his clothes on Sunday night, I folded them on Monday and left them on top of the dryer, and they're still sitting there. I'm waiting to see how long it takes him to put them away, or if he'll leave them there until he needs to pack his suitcase this weekend.

RIGHT! Like organizing the garage is going to get dinner on the table or Make sure that the family can EAT FOR THE WEEK. WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE GARAGE?! DS is taking a bath in a moldy tub because I can't keep up with the house alone! GAHHHH!

I'm not bitter.

ichamommy · August 2014

Haha. YES.

Jbosarge85 · August 2014

BPaws said:
@Jbosarge85‌
Ugh!
And then you feel guilty if he's not playing with your kid right? I get this overwhelming guilt For DS1 when DF isn't playing with him. I want him to Want to put the headphones and iphone away. I don't want to have to ask him to pay attention to our children. Then I get resentful that he doesn't. Then I nag him to and feel worse for having to.

So much yes! I play with her and make sure to everyday because I don't want her to feel left out. But it's like he doesn't care. I know he loves his children but I wish he would show it. The best way to show it is spend time with them.

Carly198330 · August 2014

I'm sorry to hear your going through this. I've just split up from my partner and he has moved out. I'm now at home with three children and still In and out of hospital because my c section scar isn't healing. Your welcome to pm me anytime if you want. Once again sorry to hear your going through all this xx

Nichole8787 · August 2014

This phone thing must be a man's disease. My dh is constantly on his! He told me he didn't feel engaged with me I pointed out the cell phone addiction. Might help with engagement and human interaction if you look up every once in a while. He is even on his phone when we visit his parents house...sorry but I don't feel like talking to your parents for 3 hours alone.

teamgreen14 · August 2014

Dh and I have been bumping heads a lot more too. First time parents and the stress is getting to us. Wish he would put down his phone or his computer and look up long enough to see that the house is a disaster and I haven't even showered in 3 days because I dont even have 15 minutes a day to myself... But if I mention it we'll be fighting within 30 seconds.

ADC1979 · August 2014

Wow so the phone thing just isn't my house. DH will take bathroom breaks that last 45 mins just cause he's playing on hs phone. Once I had to ask him to cut his playtime short because I needed help and he had to say "you know sometimes I really have to use the bathroom." Okay that's fine, then don't hog it for almost an hour just to play games uninterupted.

abundancenow · August 2014

Marriage is hard work. After our first child, we fought a lot. This time, I see us being less willing to make issues about things and more willing to let things go. I made a decision in my pregnancy that it is more important to care for myself and children then to get caught up with drama with dh.

I try to respect dh's decisions without judgment, but he does pull shit others have mentioned. Like, I'm trying to keep our kids alive and am not really invested in cleaning up the garage right now, but go knock yourself out and pretend you did something important for our family by spending half the day cleaning it out. I mostly just don't feel like I have time to waste arguing or trying to convince him why I don't value his decision to clean the garage over feeding our kids breakfast and giving me a moment to shower. I hope I'm really able to let it go and it doesn't come back up in resentment, but I'm probably not that emotionally healthy and will one day tell him off.

lowen83 · August 2014

abundancenow said:
Marriage is hard work. After our first child, we fought a lot. This time, I see us being less willing to make issues about things and more willing to let things go. I made a decision in my pregnancy that it is more important to care for myself and children then to get caught up with drama with dh.
I try to respect dh's decisions without judgment, but he does pull shit others have mentioned. Like, I'm trying to keep our kids alive and am not really invested in cleaning up the garage right now, but go knock yourself out and pretend you did something important for our family by spending half the day cleaning it out. I mostly just don't feel like I have time to waste arguing or trying to convince him why I don't value his decision to clean the garage over feeding our kids breakfast and giving me a moment to shower. I hope I'm really able to let it go and it doesn't come back up in resentment, but I'm probably not that emotionally healthy and will one day tell him off.

This is me!
For the most part, you took the words right out of my mouth lol!

kwh33ls · August 2014

We definitely had the "engagement" discussion. Basically, I felt like he would rather troll Facebook or set another fantasy baseball lineup than spend a moment interacting with us. The lucky thing is that when I get legitimately upset, DH listens. He agreed that he could pick and choose his computer time better and spend more time face to face with us.

Maybe a schedule of sorts could help some of us? He uses the time that I'm putting LO to sleep or after I go to bed to have his screen time, so that works for me. Hugs and hope things ease up for those of you struggling.

cookiemomma14 · August 2014

Ugh. I can totally relate. DH works long hours so I'm home with LO and in charge of everything with him and at home. So by the time dh gets home I need a mental break and am frustrated. But LO just screams when he holds him and only wants me. So we both get frustrated by the lack of personal time or alone time, and LO screaming from reflux that we just take it out on each other.

Taking the weekend to get away and let family watch LO so at van get a date night and hope it helps. On the weekends things are great but the work grind is serious and totally puts us in a moody funk. I find myself being bitchy, and DH moody/cranky. Blah.

VTKatie · August 2014

Us:( it's really sad because we just got married in May. Things are very tense and sex life is nonexistant. I suggested we see a counselor as I don't see things improving on their own. We just aren't on the same page at all right now:/

jamboree jess · August 2014

we've been having issues here and there, he's trying to be understanding because I'm struggling with PPD.

Before baby we worked together on the same shift and saw each other almost 24/7.

he switched to second shift so we wouldn't have to worry about childcare. I start work next week and I'll work from 5am-3:30pm Mon-fri, and he'll work 3:30pm-2am. It's a terrifying schedule for me and we've gotten into more than a few arguments about how (if) it will actually work and we'll be able to survive. I'm more upset about almost never seeing my husband again

and he still wants to play Dungeons and Dragons every Saturday (one of the 2 days I'll get to see him) It would be fine if it wasn't 8 hours every Saturday. ugh.

lowen83 · August 2014

Basically all men are the same. They are inconsiderate blobs of flesh that care more about sports or games or mowing the yard then being in the present with families!

Oh you want to be left alone for a little while cause you just worked two 12 hours shifts..... Oh I'll leave you alone alright buddy, go ahead an get your hand off my ass now cause I want to be left alone for a little while since I'm taking care of our two children and do everything for you to make your life easier while I'm on ML, k thanks lol

bchildrn · August 2014

I could not be more thankful for this thread. I have been feeling all of this for a few weeks now and its gotten worse since DH went back to work on Monday. I tried talking to him today about it because he decided that despite the fact that he got a haircut 2 weeks ago, and will be gone all evening for a stupid fantasy draft, he needs another one today. Now this would be fine except he refused to change barbers when we moved and his is now an hour away. Making a trip to get a haircut a 3 hour affair. So I brought up everything, emotionally absent, constant phone usage, talking to me like I'm an idiot half the time, and the lack of serious conversation and he tried to tell me it was me having adjustment issues with him going back to work. Well I'm sorry when I'm trying to talk to you about the house we're building and mortgage stuff and you won't put down the freaking phone... or the fact that I spent 4 hours cleaning yesterday while LO finally decided to nap and I wake up this am to Chinese food leftovers and plates on the living room floor and clothes all over the bedroom... I'm pretty sure it's not me. And then he comes home after work and wants to lounge around with LO while I make dinner, do dishes etc. Now I appreciate him wanting to be around LO, I truly do, but doesnt he think that after tending to child all day I'd love not to have to do the dishes as well, or make dinner, or how about maybe actually going for the walk I'd really like to take since we've been inside all day, instead of asking if we can go later which really means not at all... Last night he asked if we could go to happy hour because our friends were all meeting up, so I said sure and we brought LO because friends of ours also have a LO they were bringing (happy hour means drinks and food at a table on the restaurant patio, not sitting in a bar). I asked him to please take it easy on the drinks (when he's around his friends it's an all-out drink fest) and he said ok. Well 6 beers later (microbrews not light on the alcohol content) he was trashed. Then wakes up this morning with a stomachache because the beer doesn't sit well with him (this particular beer always upsets his stomach) and wants me to feel bad for him... um no, see I still had to get up at 230am and 530am with the baby despite a hangover myself from having 2 margaritas while he continued to sleep the night away. I haven't asked him to get up and change the diaper like we had been doing before he went back to work since he went back, is it too much to ask for him to get up on the weekend so I can take a few extra minutes to rest before having to get up and feed LO?

OK rant over, at least I'm not alone. Not that I wish these issues on anyone but at least I don't feel so crazy for being upset.

Nicole3&counting · August 2014

Just remember ladies that this is completely normal. I do not know anyone who has not gone through this stage with DH after baby. They do not have to change there entire world like we do from the time we know we are pregnant. It takes them a while to catch up after LO is here. IT WILL GET BETTER! I promise:) make sure to ask for specific help. They will not figure it out on their own. If you would like them to do the dishes ask them to do the dishes. Most likely they will be happy to help. Let them play a little every week but set boundaries on what that means. It takes a while to train them but it can happen:) good luck !

marsalisails · August 2014

Nicole3&counting said:
Just remember ladies that this is completely normal. I do not know anyone who has not gone through this stage with DH after baby. They do not have to change there entire world like we do from the time we know we are pregnant. It takes them a while to catch up after LO is here. IT WILL GET BETTER! I promise:) make sure to ask for specific help. They will not figure it out on their own. If you would like them to do the dishes ask them to do the dishes. Most likely they will be happy to help. Let them play a little every week but set boundaries on what that means. It takes a while to train them but it can happen:) good luck !

This. They have no idea about the metamorphosis that we go through to become mothers, and they just won't. They won't know what to do unless we tell them/ask.

They aren't dumb, or being malicious. They just aren't us, nor with they expirience parenthood like a mother. It is what it is - all we can do is learn to handle it differently/react to it differently.

TwizzyG · September 2014

Yes. DH and I are on the fritz big time.

Yesterday is all boiled up and I wound up telling him off. Since we brought LO home (almost 7 weeks ago), he has only gotten up in the MOTN with her ONCE, and that was because I asked him to (granted, for a while I was EBF and he can't get up to feed her, but I've been EP for weeks now). When he works, I'm more than happy to take the night shift because I want him to be awake for work. He was supposed to take night feedings when he got home from work so I could get a shower and some me time, but he usually says he doesn't want to cause he's tired. (Are you freaking kidding me!?!) YOU'RE TIRED?!?

I've been lucky enough to get LO in a routine that is working really well for us. When I try to explain it to DH (there is even a typed copy on the fridge), he doesn't want to follow it...he wants to "try his own thing". That'd be fine, except I'm the one that watches LO every freaking day, so you don't get to come in and screw up the routine that is making my life easier. In fact, any time I try to explain or help him at all, he gets very defensive and gives up and hands me LO. I've tried approaching it in different ways (including ignoring things altogether or complimenting him when he does something...because for a long time, he was very hands-off with LO). And then if I get fed up and tell him flat out what I want him to do...I'm being a bossy bitch and he doesn't like it when I talk to him that way.

Today...we got in a fight about a toilet. A fucking toilet. I've wanted a tall toilet in the master bathroom (my bathroom) since we moved into our house. My mom wants a short toilet in her bathroom at her house. So, a couple months ago my parents offered theirs in exchange for ours. DH said he didn't care because it's my bathroom and my dad even offered to remove our old one and install the new one. Awesome, right? It's all free and everyone is happy. Wrong. It was brought up again today and now DH is saying he doesn't want it switched...how it might leak if we switch it out and "if it ain't broke don't fix it". Really? Are you serious? My dad has removed/installed toilets before and so has DH! So why on the way off chance that it MIGHT leak, do I not get the damn toilet I want. Why if we disagree on something does it have to be his way? (This is an ongoing source of frustration). But, especially a fucking toilet.

Sorry for the rant, but I actually feel a little better now.

ETA: clarification

Jbosarge85 · September 2014

It's getting worse. I asked him the other day to please start spending time with his daughter. Has he? Nope. Today he gets home from work and working out so almost noon, asks are we don't anything today? So I plan for us to go to a park that had a splash pad, have a picnic and let DD play in the water. So what does he do? He goes to mow the yard....seriously? Tomorrow is your day off our couldn't wait? So I get pissed and start yelling at him for never helping and always either working out or sleeping or playing on his damn phone. So what does he focus on? The working out and how supposedly it's so he can get a better job. Really? That's funny every time I've asked if he has gone on the website to see if there is a job opening he hasn't. If that's what you were doing it you would check every day. I hate to say this ladies but just about done. I figure if I'm acting like a single parent anyway I might as well be a single parent that way I won't have to deal with the husband stress too.

emeek · September 2014

Sometimes I just don't know. Last night got into a fight with DH because he didn't want to hold LO. He couldn't do something one handed and got pissy with me. Rather than saying he just doesn't want to hold him he yelled at me and said the reason LO can never be put down is because I spoil him by always picking him up when hr cries. Complained I did it with our first son too. What an ass. A 6 week old needs to be held. Don't question my parenting skills because you don't want to hold your kid!

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