Am I overreacting?

JulieC76 · August 2014

Please tell me if I am overreacting. So my MIL smokes and always has and I'll be honest I grew up in a smoke free home and really dislike the smell and being around it. I've always been up front with my DH about smoke and told him that if we ever had a baby we would probably spend considerably less time at his parents because of this. They can visit all they want because I know my MIL won't smoke in my house, but I don't want our child to be around that in her house. Well, earlier this year, DH's aunt moved in with his parents due to health problems and she smokes like a chimney (seriously sits in a chair in front of the tv all day and smokes) and the last 2 times we were at his parents house I felt sick from the smell. Before it wasn't terrible, but now it is and it's to the point where I told him that I don't feel comfortable bringing a baby into that house. So he told his dad (who doesn't smoke and is super understanding) and he told my MIL and apparently she went to her bedroom and cried and now she thinks I hate her. Am I a terrible person? Am I overreacting?

Cristin343 · August 2014

I'm with you on this one. What a tough situation. It is just not healthy AT ALL, and very sad for his parents that they cannot decontaminate their house for their future grandchild. Smoking porch anyone???????

perfectlove09 · August 2014

Not overreacting in the slightest. She HAS to know in this day and age how incredibly horribly bad smoking is for you and how much WORSE it is second hand and add to that the lungs of a new baby. You'd have to be living under a rock to not know that.

Give her time to get over it and then just be firm if it comes up. This is 100% non negotiable in my book.

JulieSC81 · August 2014

My DS is 4 and has not been in a home where anyone smokes inside. Sorry not sorry. I used to smoke and i smoked OUTSIDE. Its called being lazy. If they want the baby to visit, they need to clean and air out the house...then put an ash tray on their porch. Problem solved. If they start now, it will be aired out in plenty of time. Second hand smoke can cause all kinds of health problems for your baby. You are not over reacting Give them a handout and tell them to visit you. Sorry, you are not wrong. [-(

MauraLou25 · August 2014

Ditto PP. This is a health concern for you and baby. Hopefully your MIL will get over it soon - hearing your grandchild won't be coming to your house has to be a blow no matter the circumstances. Just give her time and let her know that you want her to spend time with baby.

MaineMama · August 2014

I'm with you on this one. My SIL smokes, and my Stepmother smokes, but they both smoke outside thankfully. They may occasionally smoke inside their homes, but its never when we are there. I'm with all PPs, second hand smoke is not a joking matter.

CandEChicago · August 2014

It is a tough thing to hear that a grandchild will not becoming to your house due to safety and/or health risks. I am dealing with my own version of this situation.

Your MIL feels that she tried her best and that the Aunty has screwed it up for her. You don't know the dynamic there and what discussions they had about not smoking in the house.

Determine if airing out the house, cleaning the upholstery, and moving the smoking outside would help make it safe to return back into the house. If that makes it safe enough then let FIL and MIL know so that they have the option (only give this option if you are comfortable with it). This could give them the additional leverage to talk with Aunty about the acceptable behavior within their house and how her actions have already negatively impacted them.

Shortstack06 · August 2014

My Husband's grandparents and his aunt on his mom's side are like this. All have COPD and have had what I would consider life altering scares. But continue to smoke, I don't even want them at the hospital it is so bad. I think it is fate that my husband had a falling out with them prior to us being positive.

But as your MIL needs to understand that you are only looking out to protect your child. Her feelings were probably hurt but it isn't an unreasonable conversation to have prior to baby.

arynras · August 2014

You are absolutely not overreacting. My dad smoked in his home and I always said if I ever had a baby, we would not be taking the baby to his house. Luckily, he recently moved in with his fiancé and they only smoke outside at her house so it's fine. My sister smokes in her house, too. We won't be visiting her there with the baby. Also, maybe I'm overreacting but if they just smoked, I will make them wash their hands before they hold the baby. My sister in law would always let my dad and sister hold her babies while they were smoking (outside) and she would let them run around near the smoke...I think just for fear of saying anything since she's the in-law. But I would watch that and be like...that is never going to happen with my kids.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

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ajlmom · August 2014

Not overreacting at all, hope your MIL understands soon that it's not personal and u just want the best for your child. I'm grateful that nobody in my family smokes except for an uncle. He's good with not smoking in the house and his house doesn't smell at all.

Speaking of smoking, there was a nurse that I worked with who smoked throughout both of her pregnancies. She said her mother did the same thing with them and they all turned out ok. During her recent pregnancy she made a comment one day because I was eating a cupcake bigger than my face. She said it was not good for me (I'm tiny and not overweight). I didn't say much back but was furious because a cupcake is much better than smoking while your pregnant!

mamacomeau876 · August 2014

You aren't overreacting at all. Second hand smoke effects you and your baby. Hopefully his mom can stop crying and make a change or she will have to accept that you will not be bringing baby there to visit. My friend doesn't smoke but her husband does and not In the house. When her baby was born they questioned her again about smoking while pregnant because her placenta was so gray which is caused by smoke. It was a real quick reality check.
You do what's best for your family and his mom will have to make a choice!!!

VyD81 · August 2014

I agreed with pp, you're not overreacting at all. 2nd hand smoking is bad for adults, let alone a baby. Plus, the smell got to be horrible if they smoke in the house. It's their choice to smoke, but your choice to keep baby away from it. If I was in your situation, I wouldn't care if I hurt her feelings by not bringing baby over, she should be fully aware how bad smoking is.

alanier18 · August 2014

I don't think you're overreacting. Second hand smoke is awful and can harm your baby if they are around it too much. You have every right to say something. Maybe if you put your foot down she will see that her relationship with her grandchild could be different if she stopped. I have this issue with my mother, kind of. She doesn't smoke cigarettes anymore (she did my whole childhood and quit when I was in high school) but she does smoke...Uhm... Other things. Lol. She smokes weed. I don't and never have (besides experimenting in high school) and I have told her that if she is doing that at her house then I will not bring my baby of there often and she will have to come here... Not high. She stopped as far as I know and I don't smell it when I go to her house anymore. However, we did go to a funeral last week and I could smell it on her, confronted her, and she said she just had a bad day and it wouldn't happen again... We shall see. I did remind her that I still feel the same way as before so hopefully it was a one time thing. But I'm def keeping an eye out. Hippies... ;-)

JulieSC81 · August 2014

Also, whether they smoke when you are there or not does not make a difference. The second hand smoke is in the air and everywhere else even if they didnt smoke in there all day. They have a choice to smoke in their home and you have a choice to not visit. Her feelings do not compete with a child's health. She will get used to living with her choices. Good luck!

Disneygeek77 · August 2014

You are doing the right thing. You are about to be a momma soon and that inner momma bear needs to come out. That means putting your child's health and well being above your MIL's feelings.

Accept the fact that it is ok that she is disappointed. The world won't end because your MIL is upset or disappointed, but that still doesn't mean you should compromise your child's health to make her feel better. Let her be upset and stay strong for your baby.

Eora3 · August 2014

I wouldn't go into the house much less let a child hang out in a house full of smoke. Second and third hand smoke gets absorbed into the carpeting and furniture and walls. You can't just air out and paint. You literally have to rip out the carpeting and dry wall to get rid of the carcinogens.

Just nope!

And, don't feel bad about it. Your health and your baby's health is waaaaay more important than anyone's hurt feelings. They are adults, they made their choices. They can come to your house in clean smoke-free clothing and wash their hands if they want to hold the baby. End of story

JRod13 · August 2014

You aren't overreacting in the slightest. Let her be upset or let her solve the problem. What she does isn't your concern, but what your kid is exposed to is.

leoandethansmom · August 2014

Well PPs have said it all but I agree with everyone. My grandma smoked when I was a kid and every time she'd send a box it would reek and everything would have to be washed before it could be used. I agree with @NandaB, I'm also surprised with how many people know people who smoke inside; I don't know anyone who does this anymore.

AlwaysForgetful · September 2014

We do not smoke. I will not even allow it on my property. Period. I use to allow it in the front... then I found the butts on the ground. Sorry, you don't litter on my property either. So no smoking. My parents do not smoke, but my 2 brothers do. My mother only allows smoking on the other side of her drive way and when #1 was little )preemie) there was a rule established that about holding baby if you smell strong of smoke. I still stick to it. I had to enforce it at FIL's house for a while when his GF smoked a lot outside and came in smelling strong of it. Nope, not holding baby. Wear a jacket and then take it off.

I feel you are well within your rights. You are not cutting her out completely. As you stated, they are welcome to come over.

amedbery · September 2014

I almost think you are under-reacting. I wouldn't even go over there while pregnant. And if they have an issue , then they clearly aren't putting their grand child's safety first. Good for you for putting your foot down. My dad and aunt are both oncologists and I grew up being taught that you can't be too cautious.

Prinycesa07 · September 2014

Nope, i'm with you. My MIL lives with her mom and both of them smoke. Especially her mom, all day long. We only go there twice a year (400 miles away) and i made it clear after I had baby #1 that i do not want smoking around my baby or we would leave. I'm sure they thought i was a biotch but whatever. His grandma still will smoke in the kitchen sometimes and it bothers me but i try to bite my tongue because we only go there once in a blue moon and its usually winter when we go so very cold outside.

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