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Late Term and Child Loss
cjd&k
member
I'm new here
cjd&k
member
This was my goodbye to the "April 2015" expecting group
"It's been a very long and hard few days. Today is the hardest. When you hear about all of the possibilities of miscarriages you just hope and sometimes pray that something so horrible would never happen to you. That's exactly what I did. Of course the thought was there, but 99% of the time, I was overwhelmed with joy of becoming a mom. I never would have thought going into the OBGYN that day that I would leave with my heart torn into a million pieces. This little tiny bundle of joy that I had looked so forward to meeting could just have possibly been gone and there wasn't a possible thing I could do about it. I couldn't have prevented it. I couldn't have fixed it. I had never felt so stuck and so connected to somebody I hadn't even met yet. This baby was a piece of me; a piece of us. Throughout the past few days I've tried and tried and tried to think positive. It was easy at times because I mean, I still felt and looked, very well, pregnant. Then during other times, coping wasn't even an option. I'd cry and cry for hours on end just trying to get the slightest grip of the fact that this was all happening. It would get so hard to breathe. What tore me apart even more was how Kory was taking it. He was trying not to talk too much about it, considering when he did, it would make me cry. He would do other things to take his mind off of it, for the moment. I took this all the wrong way and felt as if he completely was accepting the fact that this could be happening. Selfishly, I wanted him to grieve the way I was. Sure enough, he was without me even knowing it. He broke into tears explaining how devastating it was to him that he couldn't help. He couldn't make it better. He couldn't understand how horrible I felt because for what I thought was 9 weeks, I had our baby growing healthy and happy inside of me. Unknowingly of what was really possibly happening. He tried his best to be there and even during times where I felt completely alone, he was always there holding my hand through it all trying to remind me of the other side of all of this. He tried to make Tuesday seem so much closer and brighter than I felt it was. He made the nights pass easier. It was the days I struggled most with. It was going to work and greeting everybody with a smile and having to pretend I was fine. It was everybody carrying on with their day while I was struggling to get through mine. And again, it's been a long and hard few days, but today, the day came. I was woken up this morning by a really heavy flow of blood and horrible cramps. I tried to be hopeful, but things happen and there's nothing you can do about it. Thankfully, I have Kory. He's made today seem not so terrible. He's turning this into something good instead of bad. Our little baby with wings has reassured us that we can indeed conceive after trying for so long. Now we just have to hope. Hope that this doesn't have to happen again. Hope next time we have better luck. I will also hope and long for all of you to have happy and healthy pregnancy's and babies. I feel so much pain for those who have had to leave this group and every other group because of a loss. I never understood and I never thought I'd have too."
This was my first child. I was more than blown away over everything it was bringing. The feeling of it and how beautiful I felt for the 2 months I was able to be pregnant was amazing. It was my first appointment that our baby came back too much smaller than it should have been. I was told maybe my calculations of my last period were off, but I knew that wasn't the case. I marked my period every time. Then of course, what I wrote above was how it all ended. I'm here to share my story and let you all know that I'm sorry for what you're going through and that I grieve for you all.
"It's been a very long and hard few days. Today is the hardest. When you hear about all of the possibilities of miscarriages you just hope and sometimes pray that something so horrible would never happen to you. That's exactly what I did. Of course the thought was there, but 99% of the time, I was overwhelmed with joy of becoming a mom. I never would have thought going into the OBGYN that day that I would leave with my heart torn into a million pieces. This little tiny bundle of joy that I had looked so forward to meeting could just have possibly been gone and there wasn't a possible thing I could do about it. I couldn't have prevented it. I couldn't have fixed it. I had never felt so stuck and so connected to somebody I hadn't even met yet. This baby was a piece of me; a piece of us. Throughout the past few days I've tried and tried and tried to think positive. It was easy at times because I mean, I still felt and looked, very well, pregnant. Then during other times, coping wasn't even an option. I'd cry and cry for hours on end just trying to get the slightest grip of the fact that this was all happening. It would get so hard to breathe. What tore me apart even more was how Kory was taking it. He was trying not to talk too much about it, considering when he did, it would make me cry. He would do other things to take his mind off of it, for the moment. I took this all the wrong way and felt as if he completely was accepting the fact that this could be happening. Selfishly, I wanted him to grieve the way I was. Sure enough, he was without me even knowing it. He broke into tears explaining how devastating it was to him that he couldn't help. He couldn't make it better. He couldn't understand how horrible I felt because for what I thought was 9 weeks, I had our baby growing healthy and happy inside of me. Unknowingly of what was really possibly happening. He tried his best to be there and even during times where I felt completely alone, he was always there holding my hand through it all trying to remind me of the other side of all of this. He tried to make Tuesday seem so much closer and brighter than I felt it was. He made the nights pass easier. It was the days I struggled most with. It was going to work and greeting everybody with a smile and having to pretend I was fine. It was everybody carrying on with their day while I was struggling to get through mine. And again, it's been a long and hard few days, but today, the day came. I was woken up this morning by a really heavy flow of blood and horrible cramps. I tried to be hopeful, but things happen and there's nothing you can do about it. Thankfully, I have Kory. He's made today seem not so terrible. He's turning this into something good instead of bad. Our little baby with wings has reassured us that we can indeed conceive after trying for so long. Now we just have to hope. Hope that this doesn't have to happen again. Hope next time we have better luck. I will also hope and long for all of you to have happy and healthy pregnancy's and babies. I feel so much pain for those who have had to leave this group and every other group because of a loss. I never understood and I never thought I'd have too."
This was my first child. I was more than blown away over everything it was bringing. The feeling of it and how beautiful I felt for the 2 months I was able to be pregnant was amazing. It was my first appointment that our baby came back too much smaller than it should have been. I was told maybe my calculations of my last period were off, but I knew that wasn't the case. I marked my period every time. Then of course, what I wrote above was how it all ended. I'm here to share my story and let you all know that I'm sorry for what you're going through and that I grieve for you all.
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