Feeling guilty for being sad

llambrose · August 2014

I found out today that we are having a boy and we are kind of bummed. I know people on here get upset that people care about the sex but this is our second (and last) baby and my daughter really wanted a sister. I really wanted that for her because I am really close to my sister and I am sad that she won't ever get to have that. I feel really guilty for being disappointed but I can't seem to shake it. She is pretty disappointed which was what I was afraid of, she has been talking about her baby sister since I told her I was pregnant.

misslizzy82 · August 2014

You're mourning the loss of the life you thought you would have with another girl, and the life your daughter would have had with a sister. It's natural and will take some time to get over. It's OK. You will love your son too. Here's a great article to read:

https://www.babyzone.com/pregnancy/boy-or-girl/overcoming-gender-disappointment_71010

LittleB92 · August 2014

I can also say, as one of two with a brother, he is truly one of my best friends. It took us until college to really appreciate each other, but no we talk all the time and he actually gave the toast at my wedding instead of a MOH because we are so close. So just because your daughter won't have a sister, doesn't mean she won't have a great sibling relationship. But it's totally normal to be a little disappointed, especially if you were hoping for a girl.

Jellybean707 · August 2014

I was just reading a book about this with DS called " will it be a baby brother" by Eve Bunting. It's about a little boy who hopes for a brother but gets a sister. In the end he realizes that the baby that arrives is the one he wanted all along regardless of the sex. Maybe check it out to read with your daughter to help with some of the sad feelings?

FWIW, I don't think it's crazy that you're disappointed. This is one of the reasons we have been trying not to associate one sex or the other with this baby. We don't want anyone to get too attached and then be disappointed.

ETA: not trying to be judgey with the last part. Just pointing out it is easy to get attached to one sex over the other.

LuckyPenny1231 · August 2014

Misslizzy said it perfectly. You're mourning the idea you had in your head about how your family would end up. Give yourself some time. You will love your son and he will be a perfect fit! Don't be too hard on yourself right now.

llambrose · August 2014

Thank you for that. I am feeling horrible. I remember how excited I was last time when I found out and I am just feeling sad this time but I feel really guilty for being sad. I know I will love him, it is just so hard to imagine having a boy. I don't feel like I will be a good boy mom, I hate sports and boy things. Being a mom to a little girl just feels so much more natural and this just feels foreign.

Beauxbaton · August 2014

In have 4 brothers. 4 of em! And no sisters. We are all pretty close. 3 of em were in my wedding. The other is in the navy and was stationed in Japan during my wedding.

That said, I'm still bummed we are having another boy. This is likely out last and I'm bummed I won't get to raise a really strong woman. I'll get to raise two strong, passionate, and handsome little boys.

It also really sucks when people give you all these reasons as to why it's great. Let me feel my feelings man! I'll get over it, I did with my first.

Maebb · August 2014

I am kind of the opposite because we already have a boy, and we found out we're having another boy, and I also had a moment of disappointment because this may be our last child, and I may never get to have a girl. But then I think of all the positive things about it.

I think it's normal to maybe be a little disappointed at first, but hopefully those feelings will dissipate. I know I'll love my little boy, and hopefully you will too!

Beauxbaton · August 2014

misslizzy82 said:
You're mourning the loss of the life you thought you would have with another girl, and the life your daughter would have had with a sister. It's natural and will take some time to get over. It's OK. You will love your son too. Here's a great article to read:
https://www.babyzone.com/pregnancy/boy-or-girl/overcoming-gender-disappointment_71010

I'm glad someone finally said this. That's exactly what it feels like.

llambrose · August 2014

CuppyCakes721 said:

misslizzy82 said:
You're mourning the loss of the life you thought you would have with another girl, and the life your daughter would have had with a sister. It's natural and will take some time to get over. It's OK. You will love your son too. Here's a great article to read:
https://www.babyzone.com/pregnancy/boy-or-girl/overcoming-gender-disappointment_71010

I'm glad someone finally said this. That's exactly what it feels like.

Yes! This is exactly how it feels.

AggieMom0809 · August 2014

It may be better that it's not a girl. What if you were having a girl and they ended up not getting along at all? One of my sisters and I still can't hold a conversation aside from the type of conversation you'd have with a stranger. My kids (boy and a girl) are best friends (at least for now).

My ideal family was boy being the oldest, then 2 girls, then another boy, and the last one either one. Obviously that didn't happen, but I glad I had my kids in the order that I did. I wouldn't want it any other way.

MusicFanatic · August 2014

I can understand this. Like what said- you had an image of what you wanted/expected, and it won't be that way. I have a sister that's super close to me in age and we're best friends, so I get what you mean. That said- I also have a brother and we're best friends too

I love them both to pieces. They both provide me with different things.

Also keep in mind that two sisters is absolutely NOOO guarantee for a close relationship like you had with yours. They may not even like each other. I have a close friend who doesn't even talk to her sister and hasn't in years. That "image" we hope for is just that. It doesn't mean it will happen- even if you have a girl.

But I have images of my children, too, and I don't think that's abnormal. I would love a girl. I would also love her to have a sister. And I have NO idea what I'm having, but I envision things. I think lots of mothers do!!

Don't beat yourself up right now. When your son comes out, you'll love and adore him to pieces and wonder why you ever wanted different!

NatureLovers · August 2014

llambrose said:
Thank you for that. I am feeling horrible. I remember how excited I was last time when I found out and I am just feeling sad this time but I feel really guilty for being sad. I know I will love him, it is just so hard to imagine having a boy. I don't feel like I will be a good boy mom, I hate sports and boy things. Being a mom to a little girl just feels so much more natural and this just feels foreign.

I think part of your issue is that you're already forcing the poor kid into a prescribed gender role before he's even born. That's terribly unfair to him. He may not like those things, and there is zero need to parent your son in any different way than the way you're raising your daughter. This is all in your head.

southernyankeegirl · August 2014

I understand the disappointment, but please know that it will pass and you will love your son, and your little girl will love (and fight with) her little brother just like she would have if it had been a little sister.

Not all little boys are the same and I am sure you will find things in common with him. Just as "tomboy" Moms find with little girls. Each kid is different, and each kid learns from his or her parents. And parents learn from their kids, too - things you might not have had any interest before will have new light as you see your child enjoy it.

For what it's worth, I have a little brother, and he's my best friend. He was the "brother of honor" at my wedding, and he and his fiancee will be the legal guardian for our baby if anything were to happen to us. There's a special relationship between siblings, regardless of whether they're boys or girls. That special relationship you had with a sister will be a similarly special relationship between your daughter and son, just different.

llambrose · August 2014

NatureLovers said:

llambrose said:
Thank you for that. I am feeling horrible. I remember how excited I was last time when I found out and I am just feeling sad this time but I feel really guilty for being sad. I know I will love him, it is just so hard to imagine having a boy. I don't feel like I will be a good boy mom, I hate sports and boy things. Being a mom to a little girl just feels so much more natural and this just feels foreign.
I think part of your issue is that you're already forcing the poor kid into a prescribed gender role before he's even born. That's terribly unfair to him. He may not like those things, and there is zero need to parent your son in any different way than the way you're raising your daughter. This is all in your head.

I realize that it might sound that way but it is more a fear that he will be into things like that. I come from a theatre background, as does my husband so we are well accustomed to individuals not fitting into "prescribed gender roles". My daughter likes girly things but she also likes superheroes and blocks and cars and dinosaurs. I realize that you let the child chose what they are interested in.

llambrose · August 2014

Thank you everyone for being so nice, it helps because I am feeling so bad for being disappointed. I know everything will be fine, it is just letting go of the idea of how I hoped things would be. My husband is super high energy and ADD and in my mind, a boy will be just like him which would be a challenge. I have a younger sister, who I fought with as a child but have been close to as an adult, I also have a younger brother who I love but who has a lot of problems so even though everyone is different, that experience colors things for me. The men in both families have history of mental illness or addiction as well so I worry about those aspects too. Like I said, I appreciate all of the reassurance from all of you, it has helped a lot!

JulyMama83 · August 2014

I was in your daughters shoes a long time ago and only wanted nothing more than a sister coming from a family of 20 boy cousins, but got two brothers instead. It took me all of two seconds to meet my little brothers and I was in love and they are still very close to me - the one that is closest in age to me used to go out and party with me all the time before I settled down and had kids. You and your daughter will grow to love your son and her brother just as much

moonfaerie · August 2014

llambrose said:

Thank you for that. I am feeling horrible. I remember how excited I was last time when I found out and I am just feeling sad this time but I feel really guilty for being sad. I know I will love him, it is just so hard to imagine having a boy. I don't feel like I will be a good boy mom, I hate sports and boy things. Being a mom to a little girl just feels so much more natural and this just feels foreign.

I am right there with you, though I wasn't disappointed to find out this LO is a boy. I hate bugs and dirt and some other boy things. I'm sure it will come naturally to both of us once our boys are here; it just seems weird right now. One day you won't imagine your family any other way.

Want a personalized experience?

Feeling guilty for being sad

Re: Feeling guilty for being sad

Choose Another Board

Search Boards