I feel like such a horrible mom/wife (previous loss mentioned)

xMina4x · August 2014

So 4 years ago this November, I went into premature labor at 6 months with my first pregnancy from a previous relationship. Despite multiple tests my doctors have no clue as to why it happened. My son was not a stillbirth btw, he lived 3 hours before passing on. Now with this pregnancy (my second) my DH is so excited for his first child but I feel as though I have to fake it for him. Please dont misunderstand, I want and love this baby more than I can verbalize. I'm just terrified of becoming too excited and don't want to really tell anyone other than immediate family. Just as I was starting to let go of the fear and trying to enjoy my pregnancy more, I've had multiple bleeds that my doctor is worried about and I'm on total bed rest. It's to the point of where I see my doc every other week and have ultrasounds in between. I just feel like such a horrible mom and wife for being frankly too terrified to be enjoying this while my husband is excited and optimistic. It's to the point where I wait for him to fall asleep just so I can bawl my eyes out at how helpless I feel.

Is there any advise from anyone who's gone through this before? Just want to talk to other ladies about it.

ukulelelady · August 2014

sorry, no advice here. just want to send positive thoughts and hugs your way.

mudbug84 · August 2014

I'm sorry. I have no past experience of any similarity, but I sometimes find myself finding places to cry my eyes out over fear of the worst. I hope you feel better and I wish you the best of luck with a beautiful and healthy baby.

aylaroman15 · August 2014

I think the way you are feeling is very normal. I truly am saddened by this. I wish I had advice to offer but I have not experienced this and I can only imagine how you feel. I hope you start to feel better and that everything works out in your family's favor. ((Hugs))

chucktgirl · August 2014

I'm so sorry for your devastating loss. What you're feeling is very normal, and I'm sorry you're going through it. I also cannot get excited about this pregnancy, because every time in the past that I have, I m/c. What I do for hubby, is every now and again, when I can handle it, I give him a bone. Like yesterday, I got a new u/s pic, so I texted it to him, saying "Hi Dad." That is nothing I would ever do, because I'm not "feeling it" but I knew how happy it would make him, so I did it. He understands that I cannot let myself get too involved, but I also do my best to let him be excited when he wants to be.
It's a tough situation to be in. I hope this pregnancy is successful for you. Bedrest is hard. <<hugs>>

071115 · August 2014

I don't blame you for not telling anyone I was be so worried!! I don't think I would be able to be overly excited either. That would have been devastating! Sorry you have to deal with this! ((Hug))

xMina4x · August 2014

Thank you so much everyone, it really does help hearing that I'm not the only one feeling like this. I have talked to him about it and he tries to understand but it's hard for him to totally get it since he's never been in a situation like mine. I think being stuck on bed rest just makes it that much worse with worrying and thinking about things.

preecedy1986 · August 2014

I totally understand where you are coming from and I feel exactly the same. I did have a stillborn at 25 weeks in March this year and I am extremely excited but me feeling scared and nervous takes over most the time. Each day I wake scared and I know it's no good for baby but so so hard to switch them feelings off. I think it's totally natural how ur feeling, if it's not them it makes 2 if us lovely. We all need to keep strong for our little babies. Xxx

MrsLaurenandDan · August 2014

I can't imagine going through this with someone who hadn't been through it with me. Talk to your husband. And are you seeing a counselor at all? I find it really helpful.

mommyofkaylin · August 2014

I also agree that what you're feeling is probably completely normal. You've been through a devastating tragedy, and unfortunately, your current SO doesn't understand exactly what you went through. I'm sending t&p to you and your family.

lisap0924 · August 2014

I am so sorry you feel this way. I don't have any advice except for maybe try talking to your H about your fears.

jap618 · August 2014

I'm sorry you're having to feel this way and are going through it but please know that it's normal. Check out the PgAL board if you haven't already and our check in on March is on Tuesdays. As a pp said I would look into a grief/loss counselor in your area to work through some of this too. So many (((hugs)))

cesquer · August 2014

Yeah, what you are feeling is totally normal. I would be the same way. You went through a horrific experience. So crushing. And it's hard to be blissfully optimistic after something like that. Have some compassion with yourself. You will get through this. And when your baby is born healthy and strong, you will love her or him like crazy. Promise!

dani727 · August 2014

I agree with everyone's comments about talking to your husband, but I think it will be even more beneficial to you emotionally to talk to other women going through the same thing (pgal board or maybe through other outlets?). My husband has a hard enough time understanding my emotions in my first pregnancy that seems to be mostly normal so far, so it can be very isolating especially in your situation. I also agree that a counselor is a wonderful idea. Take care of yourself - I hope you can get past those emotional nights. Takes such a toll on the body. Also get some good books and movies to distract you a bit.

xMina4x · September 2014

Thank you everybody who responded, @jap618 and @dani727 I did exactly what you suggested and checked out the Pgal group and thread.

Sorry I was unable to respond earlier but between the scare of sever cramping w/bleeding and going back and forth with the hospital, I've been emotionally drained. But the good result of all that was the baby is doing just fine, I do have a slight bleed where the placenta attaches to the uterus (scary!) but my cramping and pain was from a kidney stone...not fun!

Ashlee692 · September 2014

xMina4x said:
So 4 years ago this November, I went into premature labor at 6 months with my first pregnancy from a previous relationship. Despite multiple tests my doctors have no clue as to why it happened. My son was not a stillbirth btw, he lived 3 hours before passing on. Now with this pregnancy (my second) my DH is so excited for his first child but I feel as though I have to fake it for him. Please dont misunderstand, I want and love this baby more than I can verbalize. I'm just terrified of becoming too excited and don't want to really tell anyone other than immediate family. Just as I was starting to let go of the fear and trying to enjoy my pregnancy more, I've had multiple bleeds that my doctor is worried about and I'm on total bed rest. It's to the point of where I see my doc every other week and have ultrasounds in between. I just feel like such a horrible mom and wife for being frankly too terrified to be enjoying this while my husband is excited and optimistic. It's to the point where I wait for him to fall asleep just so I can bawl my eyes out at how helpless I feel.

Is there any advise from anyone who's gone through this before? Just want to talk to other ladies about it.

I personally have never gone through this but it is something i've been scared about. I do not think you should feel like a horrible mother at all WHAT SO EVER! Nor do I think you are at all! You have a reason to feel the way you do and that is okay. It sounds to me like you are just trying to protect yourself just in case so just try to stay positive, eat a cookie and relax

Hugs and much love to you! Keep us posted!

xMina4x · September 2014

@Ashley692 Oh, I am alllllllll over that cookie! It has some ice cream and apple pie to keep it company, just in case it's lonely! lol

One of my huge issues last time was I kept losing weight rather than gaining any so my doctor basically told me to just start trying to eat as much as I can, as often as I can & that he doesn't care if it means I have 4 chocolate milk shakes a day! Lol it's one of the things that I try to be lighthearted about to keep feeling positive since bed rest is so frustrating.

Doctor confirmed today that I have kidney stones AND a bladder infection. Not. Cool body, not cool. I had appointments on the 9th and 10th to check on baby (doing good with a HB of 174), the bleed (the one they checked was gone, but now have another one -.- all have been different types of bleeds in different locations), and then have my kidneys looked at. I have my NT scan on the 17th and then another doc appt on the 22nd with my OB and then with my Neurologist.

So things are still frustrating since I don't have a magic ball to see the future but luckily have an amazing H who is understanding & willing to do more chores around the house....he still doesn't understand the washing machine for some reason though lol

I'll be sure to keep updating as things progress especially since typing all this out and posting it helps me vent and de-stress. So thank you and love to you all for paying attention to my worried rambling!!! :x

xMina4x · September 2014

@mauibliss same here! I'm about ready to yell at my body and tell it to knock this crap off! The only positive I take from it is that I'm lucky enough to be able to see the little one so much lately.

*edit because I forgot how to do that making real words thing...

tinypug · September 2014

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I can't even imagine what you're going through after dealing with such a painful loss. Even as a FTM who has never experienced anything like this, I have a lot of fear as well that my husband doesn't understand. I don't think he ever will. I don't have any advice for you but just wanted to let you know that what you're feeling is completely understandable, normal and nothing to be ashamed of. I wish you nothing but the best throughout the rest of your pregnancy.

cesquer · September 2014

Oh my gosh. That is really hard. Your feelings are totally valid. If it makes you feel any better, my mom was on total bed rest for 6 months with me. I came out OK.

There is nothing I can say to make this easier. I am just sending you love and positive vibes. We are all pulling for you and your baby. Regarding the love, don't worry about it. It will come once you have that healthy, beautiful baby in your arms.

crunchymamaof2 · September 2014

I am so sorry. It's completely understandable that you feel this way. Everyone else offered great advice so I just wanted to send some extra hugs.

Skrittens · September 2014

I'm so sorry you are going through the stress ... And are not physically well on top of it. Sending good thoughts your way.

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