I'm so sorry you are dealing with a crazy MIL. I agree with all PPs that this is your body, your medical procedure, your choice (oh and DH too :P). I don't have a MIL but I had to break my mom's heart last week when I found out she assumed she would be in the room and I promptly informed her that I only wanted DH. She cried but said she was glad I told her now instead of when the day comes so she didn't just get kicked out of the room out of nowhere. Stay strong and do what you want
Oh no, she just non-chalantly states that she would be here for a month, no asking or opinions. She even texted my husband saying she wants us to name him Lorenzo....she has cussed at me and called me names multiple times for no reason and I just kill her with kindness. She should basically be kissing my ass 24-7 hahaha but no
This is not going to be a pretty visit. If you have never met her in person and this is the way she has communicated with you it is going to be 100x worse when you are sleep deprived and she's going to tell you how to care for the baby. I agree with everyone else that your husband needs to step up and talk to his mom. This is a recipe for disaster!
Uh, no. MIL is way out of line! She's probably saying more out of control requests and demands because it's over the phone and you have never met. That's absolutely crazy that she is being that demanding towards you and you have never met her.
My MIL is similar but, she has not asked to be in the delivery room (yet). I think she knows that I will shut that down immediately without even telling my husband. My body and she's not seeing that. Sorry no way in hell.
When My friends threw me a seperate bridal shower, she really wanted to go and socialize with all of the girls. But, I knew some of the girls would be buying me underwear and stuff like that. She does not need to see what I am going to be wearing in front of my husband. My mom really wanted to go and we are best friends and wouldn't bother me. I had to lie to MIL telling her that it would be odd for her to be there with only my friends being there and told my mom to keep her mouth shut.
Oh MILs! The crazy/demanding requests and comments they make! Glad my mom is not a mom-zilla.
My MIL made a similar request, wanting to stay for a month and to see the birth. You need to set the expectation and nip that sh!t in the bud real quick. I just told her straight, hell no, it's not a drive-in movie.
Sounds like your MIL is practically a total strange. That's like "Hi, nice to meet you and now show me your vajayjay." How awkward is that?
Oh no, she just non-chalantly states that she would be here for a month, no asking or opinions. She even texted my husband saying she wants us to name him Lorenzo....she has cussed at me and called me names multiple times for no reason and I just kill her with kindness. She should basically be kissing my ass 24-7 hahaha but no
This is not going to be a pretty visit. If you have never met her in person and this is the way she has communicated with you it is going to be 100x worse when you are sleep deprived and she's going to tell you how to care for the baby. I agree with everyone else that your husband needs to step up and talk to his mom. This is a recipe for disaster!
I agree and I think you both should have a back up plan if she is cruel to you during the post partum period. I would also have your husband lay down the law and say that he will not tolerate any name calling or nasty behavior while in your home. If she starts up, then she will have to leave or get a hotel room.
I know how it is dealing with a MIL who you don't see eye to eye with. It needs to be your husband's job to set her straight though. She is his mother. If he doesn't, that is putting you in a difficult position and giving you unnecessary stress that you don't need while you are pregnant. Good luck!
~~~Big brother 11.29.05 & Little Brother 6.18.09~~~
When you're in labor, it's really important for you to feel comfortable. Your body will deliver the most easily if you aren't stressed by extraneous external factors. Having an antagonistic MIL in the room that you've never met would be a terrible idea!!! As PP have said, tell her you're not comfortable with her being in the room, but she can meet the baby [insert whenever you're comfortable], and let the hospital know who can be in the room, and make sure her name isn't on there. They'll keep her out.
How does your DH feel about all this? I know you said that he knows how she gets, but is he comfortable with his mother invading your house for one of the biggest months of your lives??
For me her wanting to be in the delivery room is bad, but her wanting to insert herself into your life when you're not comfortable with her is really just unacceptable. We don't live near any family and we had a rule that anyone was welcome to visit, but NO ONE was allowed to stay in our house with us. I love my family dearly and we are very close, but there were a few times I wanted to kick even them out of my house and to their hotel. If I were you I'd have to insist that she limit her visit to a time you pick after the baby comes. Or if you don't think she'd listen, tell her your due date is later than it is so she doesn't have a chance to make camp and wait for baby.
My DH is military, having family visit can be stressful. And that's when you actually know the person. Guest usually wear their welcome out after two weeks, I can't imagine a month. As for the delivery room I would say no. For our first child DH was supposed to be deployed but made it to the birth by the skin of his teeth. I didn't allow mother in law to visit until DS was a month and I knew her.
My question is if and when you tell her no she's not allowed in the room, whats the worst thing she can do? Not come? Sounds like she would be doing you a favor. If I had to deal with someone so overbearing I would just be like "you're not invited in there and that's it." You mother is your mother and you have every right to have her there. The fact that your hubby is on your side is a great thing because if she starts bitching to him he agrees with you. If she chooses not to be there or be involved because she's all butthurt, then that's her choice. You have done nothing wrong. I simply told my MIL in the beginning that we were allowed 2 people in the room at the end and it would be my hubby and my mom. They were allowed at the hospital of course and could pop in as they want, but when baby time came they needed to leave. I told her very matter of factly and she had no choice but to be OK with it. These matters are nobody else s decisions but your's and your husband. And if the 2 of you are ever "tied". Just say you have 2 votes!
Ill give you some very personal advice from someone with FIRST HAND experience with this.
My MIL just showed up in the delivery room, even after DH insisted he told her not to.
I was NOT in a good place pain wise (about 7cm and not gotten the epidural yet), and she would NOT take the hint and leave, just chatting away, asking me questions, wondering why i wasn't answering through my oxygen mask.
be VERY clear that you do not want her there, make sure there is no gray area about it.
There is probably some sort of rule at the hospital, or your OB's personal rule on how many people are allowed in the room during delivery. For us, it has always been 2. If that is the case with yours as well, then problem solved.... you are not allowed to have more than your husband and mother. So sorry MIL! Even if it's not the case, just tell her it is.
As far as staying with you for so long, it sounds like nothing but trouble. I am just assuming, but it sounds like she is the type that is going to try and "teach" you how to mother your new baby... which is SOOOO annoying! She sounds like she has all the answers and will show you the "right" way to do everything. Ugh, that shit drove me crazy. Honestly, it made me hate my ex MIL. I knew what I was doing, and if I didn't then I would surely figure it out. I think you need to Nip that one right now. Maybe let her know that there are other people that would like to come stay as well and you need to free up the room for them as well. She can stay a week. Max
Ill give you some very personal advice from someone with FIRST HAND experience with this.
My MIL just showed up in the delivery room, even after DH insisted he told her not to.
I was NOT in a good place pain wise (about 7cm and not gotten the epidural yet), and she would NOT take the hint and leave, just chatting away, asking me questions, wondering why i wasn't answering through my oxygen mask.
be VERY clear that you do not want her there, make sure there is no gray area about it.
Holy shit!. I think we all need to create a fund here for you, so we can pay for a security guard at the hospital for you. Hopefully she doesn't pull that shit this time around.
DH's family is all in town and does a LOT of communication via group text. I think that before the babies are due, I will send a group text that says something along the lines of "I love you all very much, but it is truly my wish for the birthing experience to be between just me and DH. We will invite you into see the babies as soon as we feel comfortable. Thanks so much for understanding!"
My family won't be an issue. We get each other. I can say, "hey guys, just us in the delivery room, sorry." They will all say, "that's cool."
MMC October 2010
BFP #2 June 3, 2014
Twins? You mean two babies? WOW!
Team PURPLE!!
We are excited to meet William Alexander and Harper Abigail in 2015!
Can you skype her your vagiina in advance so it's not as foreign to both of you?
JK. Don't do that.
This is completely unbelievable and I don't blame you for being upset. When you admit to the hospital, you should be able to list the people you want in the room and those you don't. Let the hospital be the bad guy. As far as staying with you, can you blame it on base accommodations?
HIPA laws will keep her out. No need for a security guard. Tell a nurse you do not want her in the delivery room and they will make sure she is not.
-------------------------------
Sarah, 35 bumping from NE Ohio
Married my love 4/22/2006
DD born 10/12/2009
DS born sleeping 2/23/2013 full trisomy 18
Baby 3 due 2/13/2015 }
My MIL very sweetly/politely asked if she could be in the room and I responded in the same manner with a no. I will have DH and my Mom in the room. DH is hit or miss around gore and tends to get stressed easily so I need my Mom there in case he passes out, lol! MIL has lots of health issues so she tends to guilt DH into things but no budging on this one.
Our hospital only allows 2 people in the L&D rooms so it's really a non-issue. You are not able to have vistors (beyond 2) until you are moved to a post-par. room. I am thankful for this rule and I am glad I will get that intimate bonding time before the chaos. Even if they allowed more than 2 people I would not have anyone else in the room.
We will wait until we are settled in the recovery room and then the in-laws, family and friends can come to visit. My Dad/siblings and in-laws will get "first dibs" on visiting and then friends and other family can come.
Hopefully your MIL can come to terms with your, more than reasonable, request. Stay strong and know you are in the right!
Can you skype her your vagiina in advance so it's not as foreign to both of you?
JK. Don't do that.
This is completely unbelievable and I don't blame you for being upset. When you admit to the hospital, you should be able to list the people you want in the room and those you don't. Let the hospital be the bad guy. As far as staying with you, can you blame it on base accommodations?
Yeah, I thought this list would protect me, I only had DH and my Mom on it...
Can you skype her your vagiina in advance so it's not as foreign to both of you?
JK. Don't do that.
This is completely unbelievable and I don't blame you for being upset. When you admit to the hospital, you should be able to list the people you want in the room and those you don't. Let the hospital be the bad guy. As far as staying with you, can you blame it on base accommodations?
Yeah, I thought this list would protect me, I only had DH and my Mom on it...
Can you skype her your vagiina in advance so it's not as foreign to both of you?
JK. Don't do that.
This is completely unbelievable and I don't blame you for being upset. When you admit to the hospital, you should be able to list the people you want in the room and those you don't. Let the hospital be the bad guy. As far as staying with you, can you blame it on base accommodations?
Yeah, I thought this list would protect me, I only had DH and my Mom on it...
somehow my MIL still got through.
I feel like you win at MIL-Bingo.
The hospital would have gotten a HUGE complaint from me for not abiding by my wishes and HIPA. I'd definitely bring it up with nurses this time that you won't put up with it again.
TTC since 3/2011 Adenomyosis, LPD, hypothyroidism.
BFP on 7/20/12 after 4 cycles Clomid + IUI
2 large subchorionic hematomas & no heartbeat at 7w6d
D&E 8/18/12 Sonohysterography found septum and necrotic tissue.
I'm glad you're getting lots of support!! Seriously you just do you. From experience, you do not want someone in the delivery room who you don't know or know feel totally relaxed it. I've seen it stall and prolong labor. Can you make up some sh** about only two extra ppl on delivery room?
Also maybe give her a specific task she can help with that won't stress you. Or say "We really would love it best if you could come 3-4 wks after my due date. I've heard that's when you really start needing more help." (Maybe BS, but if it's better for you, who cares?!) and if you could affor it, go halvsies with her on a hotel. Just hve DH tell her that he wants to book her hotel, so what was her price range and how much could she afford. Maybe it'll cut her time too! it's likely you gotta live with her forever and if your MIL is difficult (to say the least!) you gotta hold the ball in your court and I always try to do that with difficult ppl with firmness but not too much b*tch.
I'm with the others on this one. When you get to the hospital, make sure your nurse knows what 2 people you're allowing in the delivery room. You will have MUCH bigger fish to fry on that day than having to deal with your MIL. The immediate skin-to-skin and 2 hours of bonding time (where, if you are planning to nurse, you'll be attempting nursing for the first time) is SO special and is so important. That was the most precious time during our entire hospital stay and I'm so glad that I stuck to my guns about noone being in the delivery room other than DH and medical staff. My mom had wanted to be in the delivery room too, but I just told her a flat out no until after we left recovery. I am close with my mom, but that was a moment to be shared with DH and our DD- no one else. Grandmas can see them a couple hours later. I think telling your MIL no before hand, and just refusing to budge on it will be huge so that she will already know ahead of time and won't be caught off guard. If she were to try to find some way to sneak her way in, your nurse will keep that from happening.
I was young and didn't want to cause issues so I let my MIL in the room when I had my first. I asked everyone who was in the room to stay behind my shoulders cause I didn't want people looking between my legs and of course she didn't listen. I was so upset and I wish I had never allowed it. I didn't let her come in for the second and she will not be there for the third either. Who knows maybe once you tell her that she can't come in the room she'll be so offended that she won't come down either. One can always hope.
As PPs have said, stand your ground and make sure the nurses know that the only 2 people allowed in the room are your DH and mom. It's crazy to me that your MIL couldn't be bothered to ever even meet you face-to-face yet feels entitled to be part of such a private, personal moment!!! And doesn't even ask about staying the month but tells you. You're handling all this so calmly--I truly admire you! My MIL was super pushy about getting a picture with the girls the very day they were born...and the day after, and the day after that. I had gone through a CS and was super exhausted/overwhelmed with it all. She would come into my room with her husband (DH's stepdad) and ask when the girls would be coming to nurse. EVERY TIME! I couldn't believe this woman. It was more important to her to get that FB "proud grandma" picture with the girls than asking me how I was feeling or having any regard to how I might feel about her invasion of my privacy each time. Finally I had DH tell her that the girls were only three fucking days old and that they weren't a damn photo op. She was in a competition with ex-husband to get a picture first, I guess. UGH! Hope it goes well for you in keeping your MIL in check!
Unfortunately no, we have a three bedroom house and it's just the two of, our dog, and the baby on the way. So "technically" there's room. Husband 100% supports my decision on her not being in there but he's feeling bad about not letting her stay since they haven't seen each other in two years. Even though he knows how she is, and I can't blame him for wanting to see his mom, but for an entire month at our home right before I'm delivering and after just makes me nervous and stressed. We're going to discuss it more and come to a happy medium.
Unfortunately no, we have a three bedroom house and it's just the two of, our dog, and the baby on the way. So "technically" there's room. Husband 100% supports my decision on her not being in there but he's feeling bad about not letting her stay since they haven't seen each other in two years. Even though he knows how she is, and I can't blame him for wanting to see his mom, but for an entire month at our home right before I'm delivering and after just makes me nervous and stressed. We're going to discuss it more and come to a happy medium.
Maybe you could use the argument that there is really no way to know when you'll actually go into labor. My DS was 3 weeks early and other babies are weeks late. If she wants to be sure to meet the baby, maybe she could make her travel plans after the baby is born and only stay for a couple of weeks. It's a long visit but it's sure better than a month!
ckimberley14 said:
As PPs have said, stand your ground and make sure the nurses know that the only 2 people allowed in the room are your DH and mom. It's crazy to me that your MIL couldn't be bothered to ever even meet you face-to-face yet feels entitled to be part of such a private, personal moment!!! And doesn't even ask about staying the month but tells you. You're handling all this so calmly--I truly admire you! My MIL was super pushy about getting a picture with the girls the very day they were born...and the day after, and the day after that. I had gone through a CS and was super exhausted/overwhelmed with it all. She would come into my room with her husband (DH's stepdad) and ask when the girls would be coming to nurse. EVERY TIME! I couldn't believe this woman. It was more important to her to get that FB "proud grandma" picture with the girls than asking me how I was feeling or having any regard to how I might feel about her invasion of my privacy each time. Finally I had DH tell her that the girls were only three fucking days old and that they weren't a damn photo op. She was in a competition with ex-husband to get a picture first, I guess. UGH! Hope it goes well for you in keeping your MIL in check!
(not sure what happened re: the quote, sorry!) Oh god, this is a terrible experience, I'm sorry. It also makes me a bit worried about my own mom. We have a pretty good relationship, but pictures have been an issue for us as of late -- we don't live in the same city, and she's always asking me to take pictures of everything I do, and especially everywhere we go with my daughter. I absolutely understand sharing cute pics of her grandkid with her, and I feel like I post them online when they're cute and even will additionally text them to her when they're cute but not particularly noteworthy (aka, would bore anyone who's not her grandparent). And yet. When my mom comes to visit with us, she'll take SO many pictures of my daughter, with two results:
1) no one, not even her "ooh, don't we love being grandmas so much?" friends, is going to look at 200 pictures from my kid's 3rd birthday party. Seriously, not every moment needs to be photographed!
2) she often doesn't participate much in the fun herself, or help with something my daughter actually needs and is asking her for, or anything that we may need... because she's trying to get the picture. I yelled at her once because my daughter was coming down a curvy slide, and my mom crouched at the bottom of it with her camera snapping away, which meant my kid (who was 1 1/2 at the time) fell off the bottom and knocked her noggin, because no one was catching her.
Sorry for the tangential rant, but I'm now kinda scared that my mom will, even if she's not allowed in L&D, be all about 93401893 pictures of this new baby on its first day, and second day, etc. My daughter came 2 1/2 weeks early, so we kinda got the thing we wanted by default, which was an intimate experience with just the new mom, dad, and daughter for a few days before our parents all arrived in town... fingers crossed that that happens again this time (assuming a safe baby and all!).
--- Jan Siggy Challenge: What You're Looking Forward to Most After Baby Arrives ---
@crabigator I 100% agree with the picture thing. I'm a FTM, however my MIL and SIL have no boundaries when it comes to FB. SIL post a gagillion pics a day of kids that aren't hers or even related to. My MIL has to comment on every little thing I post, or my siblings or friends post, drive me crazy. It is my child and I will post pictures of my child to share. It is not you duty at a grandma or aunt. There are unwritten rules of FB and other social media that some people just get. I understand you are excited and want to share your excitement, we all do! But it is my child and I should get to share the excitement first. If you want to post something, please ask first.
@aubreyglaridon sorry to hi-jack your post! Good luck with your MIL and remember to stand your ground...I know easier said than done.
@Arduenser My mom will post pics of people she thinks are cute (kids, mostly) or funny (OFTEN, ADULTS.) that she's taken out in public, like at Walgreens. I'm sure without their consent. I'm not sure how no one has reamed her out yet, or I guess maybe they have and she just doesn't tell me that part?!? I'm just glad that I'm no longer a 13-year-old who has to accompany her when that's happening.
@aubreyglaridon I'm also sorry for the hijack, but frankly: I think everyone's got a crazy mom somewhere in the family, and since mine is often the one (my MIL is very sane and calm), I always like hearing that I'm not alone. Though yours definitely takes the cake, and I'd agree with all: be strong and firm!
--- Jan Siggy Challenge: What You're Looking Forward to Most After Baby Arrives ---
@crabigator Oh geez, I really hope your mom can restrain herself! Luckily MIL is really helpful with the girls when she visits. It was just a freakish desire to get the "first" picture that turned her into an inconsiderate PIA. @arduenser My MIL feels the need to comment on every little picture I post, too!! Sometimes it's 4-5 separate comments! Crazy.
I'm not so worried about the pictures of our baby, of course they need to be appropriate, but I don't want her barging in after the birth taking pictures of me and baby while I am learning to breastfeed and will probably look like hell. I want a minute to freshen up a bit so I can look some what decent for pictures. And I absolutely don't want her posting anything about the date, time, name, etc. until we have given permission, this goes for everyone in the family! She is very pushy and I know she will want to teach me how to parent, where my mom will gladly help and give suggestions but will not over step her boundaries. They are polar opposite, so I think that's why I'm having such a hard time adjusting to her.
By any chance will you be at an on-base hospital? Maybe you could tell her (whether it's true or not) that base security has been heightened and that the new rules say that there can only be two people other than you in the room and that you had to fill out special security forms for your mother to get her on the list along with your husband. Normally I wouldn't advise you to lie but it sounds like your MIL may not take "we don't want you there" as an answer. And then make it very clear to the hospital that she is not under ANY circumstances to be admitted.
No, just no! The only people I will have in the delivery room is my hubby, my mom, and most likely my grandma. Everyone will be waiting outside! If my MIL were still alive, and she demanded to be in the delivery room with me, I would laugh in her face and tell her no way. She was always drunk, smoked like a chimney stack, and had no brain/mouth filter.
If you're not comfortable enough to have her in the room with you, then I would explain that to her. Tell her you barely know each other, the fact that you've physically never met and she didn't even come to your wedding, is a big red flag to me in the first place. Do not give in on this because the minute you do, she will take that as an invitation to butt in on EVERYTHING having to do with your baby and that's stress that you don't need right now. Seriously, put your foot down and let her know her boundaries now while you still can.
Your mom is your mom, my mom is my best friend too, I wouldn't dream of not having her in the delivery room with me, even if my dead MIL gave me that kind of ultimatum. Honestly, establish those boundaries and ground rules now while she's still across the country and not all in your face about it in person.
No I switched my insurance to be seen off base, I hate the naval hospital here! But I do plan on telling her that only two people can be in the room, I'm pretty sure that will be the rule anyway
Well, if I am going to be completely honest, I think you are being a bit of a doormat here. One month is much much too long to have someone in your home that is disrespectful and calls you names. This period will be one of the most difficult of your life and you need to focus on healing and bonding with you baby, not upsettiing your MIL. That fact that you have room in your home and that he hasn't seen her in two years are irrelevant. This is simply not a good time to have someone like that in your home for that long.
It would be different if she was helpful or kind or respectful. I would also understand if she lived out of the country and travel took a long time. But that isn't the case. Trust me, you will be so miserable if you allow this woman to stay that long, so miserable. I have been on the bump for several years now and this is one of the biggest regrets I see time and time again. New moms that wish they would have put their foot down and put limits on OOT guests soon after the baby was born because these are precious weeks that you will never get back.
If I were you, I would have her stay for two weeks, no more. I would also have your husband let her know that she needs to be on her best behavior. That means treating you with civility, politeness and respect. If she oversteps her bounds, then she will be told to leave, end of discussion.
*snip* One month is much much too long to have someone in your home that is disrespectful and calls you names. This period will be one of the most difficult of your life and you need to focus on healing and bonding with you baby, not upsettiing your MIL. That fact that you have room in your home and that he hasn't seen her in two years are irrelevant. This is simply not a good time to have someone like that in your home for that long.
It would be different if she was helpful or kind or respectful. I would also understand if she lived out of the country and travel took a long time. But that isn't the case. Trust me, you will be so miserable if you allow this woman to stay that long, so miserable. I have been on the bump for several years now and this is one of the biggest regrets I see time and time again. New moms that wish they would have put their foot down and put limits on OOT guests soon after the baby was born because these are precious weeks that you will never get back.
If I were you, I would have her stay for two weeks, no more. I would also have your husband let her know that she needs to be on her best behavior. That means treating you with civility, politeness and respect. If she oversteps her bounds, then she will be told to leave, end of discussion.
Definitely agree. My mom stayed with us the first three weeks after we brought the girls home, and I instantly regretted having her in my house from the start. She threw all kinds of judgmental barbs at me even while I was trying to nurse my babies and make sure they had enough formula to top off. (They lost over 11% birth weight in the hospital, and my milk was really late coming in.) It was hard enough feeling inadequate at providing enough for my babies as well as recovering from CS, but to have someone sit there and say things like, "Oh your sister was always the disorganized one, not you..." in regard to how unprepared we were because I was on bed rest from 31 weeks until I had to have a CS at 36.5w and DH was juggling law school, work, and military duties on top of making sure I had all I needed in the hospital and then at home. Finally I told DH I couldn't handle her criticism any longer, and he put his foot down about her keeping her mouth shut and doing what she was supposed to while there: helping out so we could take care of the babies, or GTFO. She threatened to leave after his warning, and I told her I wouldn't get in the middle of it and that she was an adult and should do what she wanted. Only after that was she better about biting her tongue, but if I could do it all again, I would have had her come just a week and later instead of right when we were trying to get a feel for caring for newborns. Sorry went off on a bit of a rant. I just really hope the choice you make results in a postive experience for you as a FTM.
My MIL gets ugly about me being pregnant in general and isn't a very nice person in general so I get where you're coming from. She has nothing to do with me unless she's drunk and feels like picking a fight with someone late at night (she lives in MI and we're in AZ so I answer just in case something has happened to anyone) and she gets DH so worked up that he damn near has asthma attacks. She begged him not to marry me on our wedding day right in front of my family, she told me that if I didn't abort my son 5 years ago then I would ruin her sons life and with this little guy she pretended to be excited til she could call him and bitch him out because she's "still too young to be a grandma," even though this is her THIRD grandchild and she's on the better side of 60!
She tried pitching a fit about wanting to be in the delivery room when DS was born, even knowing I was having a c-section, and complained to the entire family that I wouldn't kick DH out so she could be in there. My mum was only going to be in the room if DH couldn't get there in time from work so I don't know why she thought she would be the exception! When I told her no, she tried calling my doctor insisting he deliver at a hospital that had a viewing window so she could watch my c-section!! Completely grossed me out and humiliated me!
I don't get why these women are so cruel to those of us that try and do our best to play nice and then expect us to bow to them over things like this! And the nerve of her trying to name your baby?! I can't even imagine! She didn't say anything to us about DS' name, but she made several comments to us and the family about the name my BIL and SIL chose for their son. It drove me crazy for them!
Stand your ground, you and DH both. Like a lot of the other women have said, also, don't be afraid to let your doc and the nurses play bouncer over this. We had to have them do that over a few people when DS was born and it made things SO much easier for us!
Dr. ACPruchnik, TVMD & SBE
F15 January Siggy Challenge: What You're Looking Forward To After Baby's Born
Wow, this is insane. I want to apologize to all of you ladies who have psycho MILs.
We are military as well but we are stationed 2500+ miles from our home state where all of our family is.
My mother is flying out at the start of Feb even though Im not due until the 17 so that she wont miss the birth. My mom kind of told me she was coming and didnt ask but I expected it and My MIL is flying over as well although we dont know if she is coming before or after. It would be hard to have someone around that was just going to boss you around and make you feel insecure or like you're not doing anything right.
I have an amazing relationship with my MIL. We talk daily and I even lived with them while my husband (fiance at the time) was in training (so it wasnt so hard on his much younger sister). She is just like my own mother. I invited her to be apart of the delivery. The naval hospital here has rooms that are L&D, recovery, & post-partum all in one so I wont be moving and they are larger rooms so I think I will be able to have 3 people in there.
I couldnt imagine going through what most of you ladies went through. This makes me so glad that my MIL respects my wishes and has told me to let her know if she oversteps (she doesn't).
A lot of people are saying that your husband should tell her the what for but I think you need to do it together so there is no discrepancy about what was actually said.
Best of luck. Too bad you couldn't just have the gate sentry keep her away.
Re: MIL wants to be in the delivery room
Stay strong and do what you want
My MIL is similar but, she has not asked to be in the delivery room (yet). I think she knows that I will shut that down immediately without even telling my husband. My body and she's not seeing that. Sorry no way in hell.
When My friends threw me a seperate bridal shower, she really wanted to go and socialize with all of the girls. But, I knew some of the girls would be buying me underwear and stuff like that. She does not need to see what I am going to be wearing in front of my husband. My mom really wanted to go and we are best friends and wouldn't bother me. I had to lie to MIL telling her that it would be odd for her to be there with only my friends being there and told my mom to keep her mouth shut.
Oh MILs! The crazy/demanding requests and comments they make! Glad my mom is not a mom-zilla.
I wish you best of luck!!!
My MIL made a similar request, wanting to stay for a month and to see the birth. You need to set the expectation and nip that sh!t in the bud real quick. I just told her straight, hell no, it's not a drive-in movie.
Sounds like your MIL is practically a total strange. That's like "Hi, nice to meet you and now show me your vajayjay." How awkward is that?
For me her wanting to be in the delivery room is bad, but her wanting to insert herself into your life when you're not comfortable with her is really just unacceptable. We don't live near any family and we had a rule that anyone was welcome to visit, but NO ONE was allowed to stay in our house with us. I love my family dearly and we are very close, but there were a few times I wanted to kick even them out of my house and to their hotel. If I were you I'd have to insist that she limit her visit to a time you pick after the baby comes. Or if you don't think she'd listen, tell her your due date is later than it is so she doesn't have a chance to make camp and wait for baby.
My MIL just showed up in the delivery room, even after DH insisted he told her not to.
I was NOT in a good place pain wise (about 7cm and not gotten the epidural yet), and she would NOT take the hint and leave, just chatting away, asking me questions, wondering why i wasn't answering through my oxygen mask.
be VERY clear that you do not want her there, make sure there is no gray area about it.
JK. Don't do that.
This is completely unbelievable and I don't blame you for being upset. When you admit to the hospital, you should be able to list the people you want in the room and those you don't. Let the hospital be the bad guy. As far as staying with you, can you blame it on base accommodations?
Sarah, 35 bumping from NE Ohio
Married my love 4/22/2006
DD born 10/12/2009
DS born sleeping 2/23/2013 full trisomy 18
Baby 3 due 2/13/2015
My MIL very sweetly/politely asked if she could be in the room and I responded in the same manner with a no. I will have DH and my Mom in the room. DH is hit or miss around gore and tends to get stressed easily so I need my Mom there in case he passes out, lol! MIL has lots of health issues so she tends to guilt DH into things but no budging on this one.
Our hospital only allows 2 people in the L&D rooms so it's really a non-issue. You are not able to have vistors (beyond 2) until you are moved to a post-par. room. I am thankful for this rule and I am glad I will get that intimate bonding time before the chaos. Even if they allowed more than 2 people I would not have anyone else in the room.
We will wait until we are settled in the recovery room and then the in-laws, family and friends can come to visit. My Dad/siblings and in-laws will get "first dibs" on visiting and then friends and other family can come.
Hopefully your MIL can come to terms with your, more than reasonable, request. Stay strong and know you are in the right!
somehow my MIL still got through.
The hospital would have gotten a HUGE complaint from me for not abiding by my wishes and HIPA. I'd definitely bring it up with nurses this time that you won't put up with it again.
My mom had wanted to be in the delivery room too, but I just told her a flat out no until after we left recovery. I am close with my mom, but that was a moment to be shared with DH and our DD- no one else. Grandmas can see them a couple hours later.
Oh god, this is a terrible experience, I'm sorry. It also makes me a bit worried about my own mom. We have a pretty good relationship, but pictures have been an issue for us as of late -- we don't live in the same city, and she's always asking me to take pictures of everything I do, and especially everywhere we go with my daughter. I absolutely understand sharing cute pics of her grandkid with her, and I feel like I post them online when they're cute and even will additionally text them to her when they're cute but not particularly noteworthy (aka, would bore anyone who's not her grandparent). And yet. When my mom comes to visit with us, she'll take SO many pictures of my daughter, with two results:
Sorry for the tangential rant, but I'm now kinda scared that my mom will, even if she's not allowed in L&D, be all about 93401893 pictures of this new baby on its first day, and second day, etc. My daughter came 2 1/2 weeks early, so we kinda got the thing we wanted by default, which was an intimate experience with just the new mom, dad, and daughter for a few days before our parents all arrived in town... fingers crossed that that happens again this time (assuming a safe baby and all!).
@crabigator I 100% agree with the picture thing. I'm a FTM, however my MIL and SIL have no boundaries when it comes to FB. SIL post a gagillion pics a day of kids that aren't hers or even related to. My MIL has to comment on every little thing I post, or my siblings or friends post, drive me crazy. It is my child and I will post pictures of my child to share. It is not you duty at a grandma or aunt. There are unwritten rules of FB and other social media that some people just get. I understand you are excited and want to share your excitement, we all do! But it is my child and I should get to share the excitement first. If you want to post something, please ask first.
@aubreyglaridon sorry to hi-jack your post! Good luck with your MIL and remember to stand your ground...I know easier said than done.
@aubreyglaridon I'm also sorry for the hijack, but frankly: I think everyone's got a crazy mom somewhere in the family, and since mine is often the one (my MIL is very sane and calm), I always like hearing that I'm not alone. Though yours definitely takes the cake, and I'd agree with all: be strong and firm!
If you're not comfortable enough to have her in the room with you, then I would explain that to her. Tell her you barely know each other, the fact that you've physically never met and she didn't even come to your wedding, is a big red flag to me in the first place. Do not give in on this because the minute you do, she will take that as an invitation to butt in on EVERYTHING having to do with your baby and that's stress that you don't need right now. Seriously, put your foot down and let her know her boundaries now while you still can.
Your mom is your mom, my mom is my best friend too, I wouldn't dream of not having her in the delivery room with me, even if my dead MIL gave me that kind of ultimatum. Honestly, establish those boundaries and ground rules now while she's still across the country and not all in your face about it in person.
We are military as well but we are stationed 2500+ miles from our home state where all of our family is.
My mother is flying out at the start of Feb even though Im not due until the 17 so that she wont miss the birth. My mom kind of told me she was coming and didnt ask but I expected it and My MIL is flying over as well although we dont know if she is coming before or after. It would be hard to have someone around that was just going to boss you around and make you feel insecure or like you're not doing anything right.
I have an amazing relationship with my MIL. We talk daily and I even lived with them while my husband (fiance at the time) was in training (so it wasnt so hard on his much younger sister). She is just like my own mother. I invited her to be apart of the delivery. The naval hospital here has rooms that are L&D, recovery, & post-partum all in one so I wont be moving and they are larger rooms so I think I will be able to have 3 people in there.
I couldnt imagine going through what most of you ladies went through. This makes me so glad that my MIL respects my wishes and has told me to let her know if she oversteps (she doesn't).
A lot of people are saying that your husband should tell her the what for but I think you need to do it together so there is no discrepancy about what was actually said.
Best of luck.
Too bad you couldn't just have the gate sentry keep her away.