Vent that only a working mom with a kid in DC would understand

MickeyM04 · August 2014

I have a friend who is a SAHM. No judgment, OK? Well she posts on FB today an article about a child who was abused at his DC and says something along the lines of, "See, this is why I will never send my child to DC." Then, surprisingly, a couple of friends comment along the lines of, "I used to work at a DC and I completely agree, you cannot trust DC."

I know the whole thread wasn't directed at me, like how could I choose to send my kids to DC, blah blah blah, what a horrible mother I am, but I just wanted to scream, are you F'ing kidding me? I mean I personally struggle with the decision to work FT...I would rather be working PT, spending more time with my kids (SAHM is not for me, I know that after my ML), not leaving them at DC 11 hours a day. So of course I am sensitive to any criticism of childcare options. It's hard to not read this thread as, "No decent mom would ever send their child to DC." So now I'm sitting here all pissy like I've made a choice to expose my kids to potential child abuse by sending them to DC instead of staying home with them all day.

And FWIW, even if I wanted to be a SAHM, we can't afford to have one of us be at home. Not everyone has the luxury of staying home with their kids, you know? I just took such offense because it's like the undertone of the whole thread was if you REALLY cared about the well-being of your kids, you wouldn't send them to DC. UGH. And not everyone has the option to hire a fabulous nanny or stay at home. And PS I have read stories about nannies abusing their charges and mothers with PPD who drown their kids in the bathtub, so really are we going to say that DC is the one unsafe option here? JESUS.

MickeyM04 · August 2014

Agree @PrivacyWanted‌. I mean it certainly helps me feel confident in our childcare situation knowing that DS would let me know if something was wrong. But when he runs to the door shouting, "SCHOOL!" in the morning and saying, "I want my friends!" when we get there, I feel confident he is in a good place. But there's such implicit judgment in a post like this is why *I* will never send my kids to daycare, that even if you are fully comfortable (or as comfortable as you can be), you are still made to feel like a dick.

Also, you are right. I mean unless you home school your kids, you can't keep them safe 100% of the time. And I mean my mom worked nights and my dad worked days so we were never in DC, but I broke my arm on my dad's watch, my sister broke her foot on my mom's, etc. etc. It's not like home with mom or dad means you are immune from danger.

MickeyM04 · August 2014

So true @K3am. In a cursory search I was also able to find an article dated today about a mom who put her newborn in a dumpster. That kid would probably have been safer at DC!

[Deleted User] · August 2014

I've come to the conclusion that the "This is why..." comment is a standard comment to these stories.

I roll my eyes and move on.

It has nothing to do with your choices and everything to do with their need to pat their own back.

Yes, it's a grating comment but there's nothing to do but let it go.

Unknown · August 2014

This content has been removed.

dashofreality · August 2014

This kind of stuff drives me crazy, and it is not even the SAHM vs. WM. Your kid is literally more likely to die by having a piece of furniture fall on them in your home then by a stranger abducting and killing them. Also more likely to die by being backed over in your driveway.

I cannot stand the humblebrag of 'well I would do anything to make sure my kid is safe' usually in relation to not allowing the kid to do something. And I can guarantee that they put their kid in a car, which is by far the most likely way your child is going to get hurt.

I wouldn't take it personal.

mlee116 · August 2014

MarlaSinger& said:

It has nothing to do with your choices and everything to do with their need to pat their own back. Yes, it's a grating comment but there's nothing to do but let it go.

Exactly this. People love to justify their own decisions and unfortunately some people must do it by criticizing others. My mindset is that if these people are so easily swayed by a single news article then they must be really simpleminded.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

I don't think it is simpleminded. But I do think it is bullshit.

I don't care what reasoning someone else for loving or hating daycare but the need to proclaim your* awesomeness in response to a horrific news story is extremely eye roll worthy at best.

*general you

mlee116 · August 2014

amy052006 said: mlee116 said: MarlaSinger& said: It has nothing to do with your choices and everything to do with their need to pat their own back. Yes, it's a grating comment but there's nothing to do but let it go. Exactly this. People love to justify their own decisions and unfortunately some people must do it by criticizing others. My mindset is that if these people are so easily swayed by a single news article then they must be really simpleminded.

Eh, I think that is harsh. I am an overprotective mom -- I know it and I own it. I have anxiety to begin with, and we had a really awful experience with our first daycare. Now, we settled into things at a second daycare and were generally happy, but I won't lie and say I wasn't relieved when things worked out they way they did and I didn't have that worry anymore. The combo of the stuff you hear and what we saw with our own eyes at a highly recommended center made me glad we had another option for my own sanity. I don't think it made me simpleminded.
The difference is, I wouldn't share that on facebook with some sort of remark. But if I am 100% honest and it UO Thursday and all that jazz, yes that is what crosses my mind when I hear those stories.
Of course, on the flip side, I get plenty of Facebook shares and likes about stories about SAHM who go crazy or lose themselves with a nice "This is why I would never SAH" snark on top too.
I guess my point is -- people are assholes on FB. I mean, it's pretty obvious people think these things, whether it is or isn't valid. But no need to put your reasoning on blast.
ETA: The great thing about working PT is that everyone thinks you are doing it wrong:) So you either just let it go by, or you spend all day everyday being offended. _________________________________________________________________
Yeah, maybe my comment was harsh. But I wouldn't say that you are simpleminded at all. The difference in you and this FB poster is that you didn't assume that all DCs were bad and didn't base your whole opinion on them based on one negative experience. I get the anxiety, trust me. I think it just comes with the territory of trusting someone else with your kid all day. And yes, bad stuff happens. When I read stories like this, I worry too. But I don't jump to the conclusion that my sons DC is bad because another one on the other side of the country is.

MickeyM04 · August 2014

I guess I never really thought of it in terms of maybe she (and people like her) are really just trying to justify their own decisions. Like if she's self-conscious about staying at home, a great way to justify it would be to post a story about a crappy DC and say, see, because I made the decision to stay at home, this could never happen to us. I could just as easly, somewhat self-conscious about having to work 50 hours a week away from my kids, post a story about a SAHM who went nuts and abused her kids and say, "See, this is why I choose to work full-time," as a way to make me feel better about not being at home with them all day.

It's just hard not to take it as a personal attack when you send your kid to DC and then 900 people are like oh yes, DC is so dangerous and your child is so much more likely to be in danger at DC compared to anyone else. It's hard to not just have an immediate reaction to that, without stopping to think, hmmm, what is this really about? Maybe an attempt to justify the decision to stay at home?

minirella · August 2014

I see those posts on FB at times. I will usually respond.

Does she homeschool? If she doesn't, it seems hypocritical. I don't have statistics (all you have to do is read the papers) but there is a lot of violence, bullying, sexual misconduct, etc. in schools. That can apply to anywhere these days (malls, convenience & grocery stores). You just never know who or where something may happen.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

I completely get the anxiety over choosing a provider.

I am the opposite and preferred our choice (a center) over an in-home provider. I felt more comfortable trusting a team of people (more oversight in my mind) than one person.

However, I don't read stories about awful incidents at an in-home and use it to justify my own choice.

But yes, thinking it is one thing. Saying it out loud (or commenting as such) is completely different. And, as @amy052006 pointed out, the comments go both ways (sah v wm). Both are shitty.

welly01 · August 2014

My SIL used to post stuff like this occasionally and even told me to my face that she was staying home because "she could never trust anyone with her kid". Whatever.

DS is almost 2 and I've (think) finally reached a place where I can believe and understand that each mom makes the best choice for her family. My SIL stays home because they can't afford childcare for 3 kids (with one on the way). I have absolutely no envy for her.

I work mainly because we can't afford for me to quit and still live the lifestyle we want. But I'm happy and confident in my choice to be a working mom and 100% believe it is the best for my family. I'm very blessed to have an education, a good job, and easy affordable access to healthcare.

Its so hard, but don't even pay attention to comments like hers. If she continues to post stuff like that, just unfollow her or even remove her from your FB.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

welly336 said:

Whatever... each mom makes the best choice for her family.

**************stuck in box*********

This. So much this.

Unfortunately, people will always judge a variety of choices we make as parents. It's kind of damned if you do; damned if you don't all around.

missamERICA · August 2014

Try not to get upset by it -- it's their ignorance. You're doing what's best for you family at this time. Your situation may change in the future, it may not. Same with your friend - she's may be all "i'll never send my child to daycare" however, something may happen in her life where she's forced to work and has no choice. That's why I try not to use statements like "I would never do ____" because I don't know about anyone else, but my crystal ball seems to be broken and I have no idea what the future is going to bring and what decisions I will have to make when the time comes and I would rather not look like a flaming hypocrite.

What's important is that you are doing the best you can and it's what works for you and your family and all we can do is may the very most of the time we have with our children.

nymom1015 · September 2014

I wouldn't be able to keep quiet either. I'd have to say something, but I agree it's just her ignorance speaking. It just shows how stupid she really is, no offense, but i mean come on. I'm sure she offended other people on her friend list as well. Like you said, it's not an easy decision to make but we work because we want to be able to have a good life for our children.

SunAndRain · September 2014

Post a news article on mothers who killed their children and say "see, this is why I believe that work/life BALANCE is so important. It take a village to raise a child"

Sorry, I know that is harsh and uncalled for. Truly there is no need to respond to such ignorance.

Working moms are AMAZING. I think about all the crap I manage to accomplish in one day. I don't doubt many SAHMs feel the same way.

amieeyoung · September 2014

I think it is just they see the good and bad. I have worked in two daycares and there are good workers and bad workers. I see it as a viable option and a good options most of the time. Do I recommend walking in randomly from time to time? Yep, but I think anyone who watches your kids should be checked on from time to time. There are pros and cons to daycare, in home daycare, nannies, stay at home etc.- each person should do what works for their family- I do wish we didn't have to judge each other constantly but I think that will never go away. It is easy to agree with whatever justifies your choice- I say everyone needs to remember that we all do the best we can.

Also, the reason day care workers complain is that they get paid low, usually have little to no benefits and parents often treat you like you are stupid and have no idea what you are doing

. That said I loved working daycare, but only did it until I could find a full time job in my field- then I left for a job with insurance, benefits, full time hours and pay.

marijaa333 · September 2014

This is an annoying debate and no mother should be made to feel guilty about her choice (or her unavoidable situation), whatever it is, but in situations such as this one, sharing results of studies that encourage working mothers seems like fair game...

Children of working mums do better at school:

https://www.smh.com.au/comment/children-of-working-mums-do-better-at-school-20130928-2uktv.html

marijaa333 · September 2014

@amy052006That was my point.

Enjoy the weekend!

2goingon3 · September 2014

I like working, I like my job, I like my salary, I like the independence that we all enjoy while still being a pretty awesome family.
Daycare is not dangerous. Sure, shit can happen, but the same can be said at home too.
That chick is a jerk and if you can't unfriend her, you should at least hide her from your newsfeed.

I know a few kids of stay at home parents who have attachment issues, don't focus well within a structured environment and are socially behind. Then there are the majority of SAH kids who aren't like this at all. I don't make snap judgements of the whole group based off the minority and I'd appreciate the same courtesy in return.

And that's probably what I would've commented, lol

amackattack · September 2014

Oh gosh. Tomorrow I go back to work and it is my baby's first day at daycare. I don't think I could be more anxious.

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