When do we tell them?

rachel050182 · July 2014

My husband and I are pregnant, I am in week 8. I'm very excited about this unexpected baby growing inside of me, but I am worried about how to tell my stepdaughters. I have two beautiful stepdaughters, ages 11 and almost 14. I have been with them for just about 4 years. I have them full time because their mother passed away unexpectedly when they were very young. So our family situation is not your typical blended family. Despite the usual mother-daughter ups and downs, we are very close, my girls and I. I have never thought of them as my step children, but instead have always thought of them as my children and love them like they were all mine.

About two years ago my husband and I decided, after much deliberation, that we were not going to try to expand the family. I always wanted the experience and kids of my own, but I was willing to sacrifice it for my girls and my husband - the overall family dynamic. It's not that my husband wasn't willing, he definitely was, but things are already fragile with everything my girls have been through and the last thing I wanted was to throw everything out of whack for them and make things more complicated. I also never wanted them to feel like they were "just my stepkids" and another child was my actual kid. They had even asked us before and while in the beginning we told them we didn't know, if it was meant to happen it would, the last two years the very few times it came up, we reassured them that we were happy with our family just the way it was. This was not easy for me. I grieved when my friends would get pregnant knowing that I had given that part of life up, but I was still okay with the decision.

Low and behold two years ago my husband was scheduled to have a vasectomy. Two months before his appointment the four of us were in a car accident on our way down south for the holidays. No one was hurt, thankfully, but the car was in a bad shape. We had to get a rental to finish off our trip and leave our car about a thousand miles away from our home town. The date of my husbands appointment ended up being the date that we took a flight down south to pick up our car and drive it back. We took it as a sign that perhaps we should hold off on the appointment and let fate decide if we were destined to have more kids or not. Had we not gotten into that car accident, I wouldn't be sitting here 8 weeks pregnant. We are very excited but we have not told the girls just yet.

I feel terrible keeping this from them but we thought we should wait until after the first trimester. I do not think they will handle it well, though I am hoping they will surprise me, but don't really need the added stress if they don't. Is this right? They are older so they will know that we kept it a secret from them for awhile.

Can anyone relate to this? Any thoughts? Encouragement?

Thanks!

joshsmandy · July 2014

I would wait until your at least 12 weeks if I were in your shoes. Just because its easier if anything happens. I think you have nothing to worry about, if they are asking then maybe this could be a positive change. If they don't take it very well try involving them in things like picking out the crib, clothes, going to certain appointments with you and they will come around to it. Congrats!!

ambrvan · July 2014

Ditto PP. Wait until 12wks. Or until you have an ultrasound pic to show/give them. They are old enough to explain that most people keep these things private for a while to find out if the baby is healthy. Come up with some cool way to announce it, something that is more about them than you or baby, though, and make sure they are the first you tell (besides us anyway) because it would be terrible for them find out through the grapevine. Someone here once mentioned that they made gift baskets with cool teenager things that were "from the future baby" like earplugs, iTunes cards, coupons for time with mom/dad without baby, and a letter from future baby about the gifts being to make up for all the crying to come and the attention they were going to take up. I thought it was a really great idea, especially for older kids who aren't particularly excited.

Involve them in as much as possible, but let them make their own choice. One wants to help pick out cutsie stuff and paint the nursey but the other one doesn't, then so be it. Don't force anything. Make sure you are getting plenty of one on one time with each of the girls during your pregnancy because they won't get nearly as much afterward, and they need to feel secure in their places.

I may be optimistic, but I think that they are old enough to not be total brats about this if they are unhappy. Dramatic teenage girls, yeah, but outright horrible? I'm sure you've had enough time in your relatIonship with them to form a healthy bond. It might be worse, but I wouldn't antipate it being any different than full siblings.

Congratulations! Don't sweat it too much. I bet things will go fine. Funny how life works out, huh?

rachel050182 · July 2014

Thank you so much for the support, encouragement, and kind words. I am in tears...maybe it's the hormones or just feeling better about all of this. I love the idea about gift baskets too. That is so awesome! Thanks for sharing that idea!

sarahlaserena · July 2014

Hi Rachel,

Congratulations!!

I'm sorry that this isn't a direct response to your actual question; I've never been pregnant and I don't know much about pregnancy yet, so I'm not sure what to tell you. I just wanted to respond to something in your post that resonated with me.

things are already fragile with everything my girls have been through and the last thing I wanted was to throw everything out of whack for them and make things more complicated. I also never wanted them to feel like they were "just my stepkids" and another child was my actual kid.

Ambrvan gave some very good advice -- involve your stepdaughters as much as possible, and keep everything very positive throughout the pregnancy as much as you can, but let them experience their own feelings about what's happening and make their own choices about how they're going to respond to it.

However, that said -- I hope you did not feel like you had to forego the blessing of carrying a child inside of you because you're afraid of how it might make your other children feel. I can see that your stepdaughters mean the world to you, but should just the possibility of their feelings being bruised keep you from feeling joy that you are bearing a child and having that experience?

I think that, ultimately, as long as you show them that the family dynamic will not change with the new addition, they will be just fine.

bayside14 · July 2014

Congrats!! I agree with PP, get through first tri before telling them but I absolutely would not worry about it being anything other than a positive adjustment to your family! My SDs were 14 and 9 when DH and I had LO, and I was nervous about how they would take the news (they also have a BM who still now tells them we think our LO comes before them) and it was really nerve wracking telling them knowing they go home to such a negative support system.. but believe me, kids can surprise you! :-) GL!

SueBear · July 2014

I would wait until after the first tri as everyone suggested, but the kids will take their cues from you and DH. If you paint it as a negative, or are nervous that they will feel unloved/second-best, then they will pick up on that. If you are excited about bringing a new child into the family - their sister - they will pick up on that.

I agree with another PP that "just so the girls feel more secure" is not enough reason not to have a baby if that has always been your dream. Sooner or later the girls will grow up and move out, and live their own lives where they get to make choices about the family they create. YOU KNOW you will not love another child more and will treat SDs as your own, there is no reason to "prove" it by not having a baby you have always wanted.

lmtrmama · August 2014

I was 11 when my mom told me that she and my stepdad were having a baby... this was the day after they got home from their honeymoon. I screamed crying and ran out of the room where I cried myself to sleep. The next morning, I remember feeling like I had recovered from the image of my parents making the baby and the shock of my mom being pregnant and I started to get really excited. I went to all of the doctor appointments, helped paint the room, and picked out clothes for him. 14 years later, my little brother is the best. I never felt resentment towards him or like he pulled apart our family. I am sure that your daughters will feel the same way. Especially since it seems like you are a natural mother to them, they will be excited, if not a little freaked out at first. Congratulations!

thiscoffeechick · August 2014

I think you should tell them now too... I think the MOST important aspect of you telling them is keeping in mind they will mirror YOUR feelings on telling them. If you act scared and have clear anxiety about it, they will assume there is reason to have fear and anxiety. If you treat it like the wonderful blessing that it is, they are more likely to also feel that way.
Be excited about it, consider a middle name after their Mom or telling them after mentioning how grateful you are that their Mom raised such wonderful daughters and that their Mom's legacy will be carried on through your bio child because of who she was to your step daughters.
Be open to their negative feelings IF they have them but don't assume they won't be incredibly happy for you and their Dad!

rachelcalderon525 · August 2014

Congratulations Rachel! I am in your exact same boat! 9 weeks pregnant, stepdaughter lives full time with her father and I. Her mother has a serious lack of interest so she has always been more my daughter and I have always treated her as such!

I will tell you what happened with my step- daughter last week when we told her about the pregnancy....she did not take it well at all. There was some crying and frustration but after all was said and done, I just kept reassuring her. I tried my best not to blame her for her feelings. She has gone through abandonment with her own BM since she rarely sees her, and she is an only child. However, as the days have gone on, she has opened up more to the idea. Our daughter is 10 years old and very mature for her age but it doesn't change that face that she is her daddy's only daughter. I'm sure that she worry's about how or if the affection she receives from her dad and I will change and may wonder if it changes her standing within our family.

Of course we told her that we will always love her. We love her more and more every day and that will never change; she will always be my daughter and a baby wouldn't change that. I reminded her that I don't have a limited amount of love. I have an endless supply. Each of my children (which includes her) will be loved differently. Not one more than the other. They will all have special things about them which I will love.

I've also read that once the baby does come, its important to keep routines that you may have with them. If you put them to bed or tuck them in. Have time for you and the girls that is separate from the baby. They will adjust, it may take time and try to be understanding of that. But once they see that baby, their hearts will melt.

I hope this helps! And congratulations! Good luck to us both!

When do we tell them?

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