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Blended Families
suburbanstepmom
member
Household Transition(s) - Advice?
suburbanstepmom
member
I am wondering if anyone has any advice or experience with difficult transitions (Between HHs).
SS(6) has been having a really tough time lately coming back to our house from BM's house. We have SS Monday-Friday and BM is supposed to have him on Sat&Sun but more often than not she's not able to make the time. So he sees her very infrequently.
I know it's hard on him having so little time with her, but lately when he's come home after being with her he throws HUGE tantrums. I am talking attitude I didn't know he was capable of. SO, who can lack patience sometimes, has gotten fed up with this and will yell at him to lose the attitude and will send SS to his room if he can't buck up.
I try to support SO as much as possible while still remaining sympathetic to SS but I feel super uncomfortable with all of. In talking to SO he is just not sure what else to do, and he really demands respect for both him and myself in our HH. So when SS refuses to talk to us, look at us, say hello when he comes home, or anything SO gets pretty angry.
Anyway... anyone here have any advice on how to ease the transition? Or are we going to just have to continue to let him adjust on his own? :-??
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Re: Household Transition(s) - Advice?
Maybe there is something you can do to make the transition time a special time? Obviously, it depends on what he is up to. Maybe doing something quiet and low-key like watching a favorite television show or reading a chapter from a book together. Or putting his things away (if he packs a bag for BM's house) and asking about his weekend. Also, it would help if whatever you did, he had your undivided attention.
If he is wound up and needs to move, maybe going for a walk (taking the dog for a walk if you have one)?
Personally, I don't think your SO is handling this well. Yes, a child needs to show respect, but at the time time, he is showing you that the transition is difficult.
@Wahoo, I agree he's not handling it well. That's why I brought it up to him and we are trying to figure out a good way to handle the situation.
I like your suggestions, and we've tried quite a few of them. Unfortunately they don't help because he wont come sit near us, wont speak, and in most cases wont even look at SO or I. It generally takes an hour or more for him to "calm" down and stop crying. However last weekend SO just sent him to bed and by morning he was just his normal self as if it had never happened.
Such a tough situation because I know he's really hurting not getting to see BM often and we want to help him but it's hard when he just shuts down and wont interact with us at all. :-(
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She doesn't throw tantrums when she leaves her mom's (she's 10 now and has live with us since she was 7), but she does cry and seem to not be herself for the next couple days. There's a point where you have to let them react the the situation for themselves and not interfere. They have a lot of feelings to work out and through. One day they will realize who has been there for them, who loves them unconditionally, and who has been the one to care for them etc. Its really hard for a child to accept that type of abandonment from a birth parent. Our daughter is starting to realize somethings, but still has a loyalty towards her BM that I will never understand.
When he has his tantrums, don't let him get away with any kind of disrespect, but try and just leave him be for whatever his tantrum is. For all you know his mom may say something before he leaves or he may be finding it hard to figure out "his place" in you and his father's life. Make him feel loved and accepted, safe and give him stability. Those are the best things you can do.
My step daughters mom will go months without seeing her and call her maybe once ever 2 weeks to once a month. (the BM lives in NY and us in MD but even when our step daughter lived with her, we still saw her every month and called her almost everyday). The longer the time goes without her seeing her mom, the better she seems to be. My husband would never do it because he doesnt want to create waves, but maybe the best thing for your SS would be to cut ties with his mom completely. Or don't set a schedule for her to see him. Let her come to you guys on her own terms and let her tell you when she wants to see her "son". It may be tough for SS at first but in the end, the blood will be on her hands.
Thanks for the input. I appreciate hearing other people have had the same trouble. Not that it's a good thing to deal with but at least I know it's not something we are doing, necessarily.
When this first started happening I would be pleasant and say hello to him when he came in the house (although he'd ignore me I'd do it anyway) and we would sit on the couch or at the table and continue doing what we were doing. We'd invite him to join us (again, ignored) and whenever he was ready we would let him participate, etc. This seemed to work but it made me uneasy like we should be paying attention to him. It's hard though when he distances himself.
So, I guess what I'm saying is I am glad you say that it works to just leave them be with their feelings while they work it out.
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Looks like you are getting some great advice!! We had the same issue with my DD. My divorce wasn't easy, but certainly wasn't as bad as some I have heard about. In the end she is with both parents 50/50. One thing that really helps us is that "Transition Day" (or "Swap Day") is Friday and pick up is from school. This keeps her schedule as normal as it can be. When we first picked her up, she would just sit and read in the car. We would go through all the normal pleasantries but the replies were short. We also showed interest (without prying) in how the week was with her mom. In the beginning there were many questions about why the divorce, I miss you, etc. And we answered those with an age appropriate (6 at the time) answer. It was rough sometimes, but I promised her I wouldn't lie to her. Made for some interesting conversations at times. Not sure if you and your SO are comfortable with those talks, but that might help.
When my DD came home, she'd often throw a fit...sometimes a BIG one. There were times we'd just hug it out, but many a time I had to "come down" on her to keep her in line. My DW has two girls (we are truly a fully blended family) so the rules had to be the same for everyone. We tried our very best to be fair and firm, and she spent many a time in her room for an hour decompressing. It seemed that once she figured out on her own, that she needed this time, the fits got further apart and the self-imposed alone time worked.
We're nearly 4 years later and I can usually tell if the BM drops a shell on my DD. We laid the ground work well though and get to talking about what is going on early in the weekend. Of course its not a perfect system, right?
You may have to try several more approaches before you find something that works. Consistency is key. Firm is fine, but your SO has to stay on the right side of firm and try very hard to stay calm. As a dad, I had some guilt that fed into my frustration with DD and BM....your SO is probably dealing with that on some level too. I know my response was long and you've gotten great advice from other posters. Hopefully this is helpful!