Mom found out I'm pregnant... not in a good way.

SheHulk723 · August 2014

So apparently some of my mail is still going to my parent's house. The other day there was a debacle because one of my pieces of mail was super important and I didn't get it in time, so my mom decided to open things that look important. That's how I got a text last night asking me about a piece of mail congratulating me on my pregnancy... So, now, my mom, one of the most important people in the world to me is upset, hurt, shocked, etc. Aaaand I feel like a terrible daughter. To top it off, I found out my husband lied to me about something very important so now I feel like a terrible wife as well. So, depression is back full fledged and I hate myself

( I'm at work spending my time trying not to cry.

9513 · August 2014

Can I asked why you didn't tell her?

thompnia · August 2014

I'm sorry, that stinks. Why didn't you tell your mom before? I'm guessing you are at least 17 weeks if you are on this board, and I'm guessing you are close if you have mail going there and she is comfortable opening your mail.

LooneyLife · August 2014

I don't know your reasons for having not told her yet, but if she's upset with how she found out, it's her own fault for opening your mail.

SheHulk723 · August 2014

I am 18 weeks. I love my mom to death, but she's also super religious. I was terrified of how disappointed she'd be since DH and I weren't married when we conceived. I was just too scared.

LovelyLips · August 2014

Were you planning on telling her in a special way? I can't see ticker if you have one as on phone so don't know how far along you are. Is there a reason you didn't tell her before then?

My mum used to open my mail/snoop when I was a late teen and we had many an argument. It is not acceptable to open other peoples mail unless you ask them to do it.

You really need to make sure all important mail goes to your address.

Why did DH lie? Why would that make you feel like you were the terrible one.? Is he not the baddie for lying to you?

In both cases I feel you did nothing wrong. What and when you tell ppl about being pregnant is your business. They should respect that.

SheHulk723 · August 2014

@LovelyLips we were planning on telling her a different way. Definitely face to face also. The timing was also very difficult as she was dealing with some major problems with my younger sister. I figured I'd let her handle that stuff and deal with my stuff later.

And DH did something very hurtful to me, and then lied about doing it. When he does it it makes me feel inadequate and not good enough. Yes, he's wrong for doing it after promising me he wouldn't, but I can't shake the feelings of not being good enough.

ShuShubee · August 2014

My mother falls into the super religious category too. DH and I have been married 4 years, but one of my nieces was conceived out of wedlock. Brother and SIL got married before she was born, but my parents' reaction was, well, less than desirable. Heck, my mom would freak out if she knew I drank, because all people that drink are sinners and alcoholics. Yea, I have THAT mother.

I am sorry if she has a bad reaction to your news, but this is not your fault. I realize you don't want to disappoint her, but she needs to get over the timing and be happy for you (which hopefully she is).

And, don't have any mail sent to your parents house. It was not okay for her to open your mail.

TXUltraRunner · August 2014

It took me years to get past the point of caring about disappointing my parents but at some point you have to take ownership of your life. You have to realize that you're an adult and stand behind every decision you make regardless of what your family thinks. It took years before my parents realized that my decisions were just that, mine. I was even disowned several times for a few years at a time but now our relationship is a mutual, respectful one. They don't understand me but they have learned to accept me.

I'm sorry that your'e going through this while pregnant. I can't imagine the extra stress but just remember that this is your life to live, not your parents.

southernyankeegirl · August 2014

@SheHulk723 - I'm guessing you're talking about porn, based on how you're saying it. I highly, highly recommend counseling - I have a few friends who feel like their husband looking at porn is hurtful to them, and I understand this is different for each person and each couple, but could it be that he never really agreed with your reasoning and just felt like not telling you was the only way to keep the peace? I don't think lying is right by any means, but I can't imagine being told personally that I couldn't look at porn or masterbate - I'm assertive enough that I would tell someone pretty early on that it wasn't going to work like that with me, but I can see how it would seem like a white lie to a husband who loves his wife and doesn't want to hurt her.

And that's part of why I suggest counseling - porn and/or masturbation have nothing to do with how you are as a wife. And making someone feel like they need to have all sexual desire and outlet fueled by their spouse is a lot of pressure - I'm sure you watch The Notebook and such and get romantic feelings, without feeling you want to leave your husband to live in a Nicolas Sparks novel - it's pretty similar. So I think this is something YOU need to work on (how his porn/masterbation wouldn't be a reflection on you or your sex life) and something you BOTH need to work on (setting a boundary or policy you both are willing to live with long term, not just what he says to your face and does behind your back).

As far as your Mom, sorry she found out that way. It sucks. But didn't you think she'd figure out the baby was conceived before marriage anyway? I'm not sure exactly when you got or are getting married, but math kind of works that way. You can't convince her an 8 lb newborn is a premie.

SheHulk723 · August 2014

ExcitedMama2 said:

@shehulk723 I can understand being fearful of disappointing your mom for religious reasons. I still haven't told my super religious grandpa, and have taken the coward way out and let my dad tell him instead.

Maybe try explaining to your mom that you had a face to face "announcement" planned for her, and that you're sorry she found out a different way. Focus on the good things -- baby on the way, she's going to be a grandma, you're married now...my bet is that she'll come around soon enough

Don't let DH make YOU feel inadequate. I'm sorry that he said hurtful things and that he lied to you about them, but those are a reflection of him, not you. If this is something that is really bothering you, you could also try counseling to work through these things, either as a couple or just you.

Hope you feel better soon -- hugs!

Yeah, I'll be taking the coward way out as well, seeing as how that entire side of my family is also religious. I'll be letting my mom let them know (she did offer to do it after all). My mom is still being super loving about it all. When I apologized she actually told me not to say I was sorry, I think she's more upset that I didn't come to her sooner and that she didn't get to throw my wedding (we eloped) and stuff like that.

As far as DH goes, I'm going to have a talk with him tonight, which is difficult because he is TERRIBLE at having serious conversations... he just shuts down and makes promises that he doesn't keep apparently. Counseling might be a good option. I have a feeling he's going to tell me that he lied about it because I was already super upset, but I don't find that to be a valid excuse. I've told him before that he always needs to be honest with me the first time, whether it's good timing or not. Having so little trust in this relationship isn't a good way to start off our marriage.

Edit: P.S. Thanks for the hugs!

Disneygeek77 · August 2014

TXUltraRunner said:

It took me years to get past the point of caring about disappointing my parents but at some point you have to take ownership of your life. You have to realize that you're an adult and stand behind every decision you make regardless of what your family thinks. It took years before my parents realized that my decisions were just that, mine. I was even disowned several times for a few years at a time but now our relationship is a mutual, respectful one. They don't understand me but they have learned to accept me.

I'm sorry that your'e going through this while pregnant. I can't imagine the extra stress but just remember that this is your life to live, not your parents.

I was going to say this too. At a certain point you have to be ok with your parents being disappointed or upset with you. I honestly believe it is all a part of growing up.

Stargirlb · August 2014

opening someone else's mail is a crime. WTF was she thinking?

TXUltraRunner · August 2014

If you want to make the pregnancy seem like no big deal, just tell her you're an athiest

[Deleted User] · August 2014

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BookitBoo · August 2014

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm glad your mom is being supportive and I hope that she continues to be supportive and understanding.

As for your husband, counseling sounds like a good idea. He probably wants to avoid a confrontation and doesn't realize that lying doesn't avoid a confrontation, but builds it.

sparksfly22 · August 2014

Yeah my mom would do this all the time when I was away at college and then literally say, 'oh.. Um... I thought it was for me'. Really??? Is that your name on the envelope? Cause I can't see that confusion honestly happening, mom. So frustrating.

If she had found out about my pregnancy by reading my mail I would tell her maybe next time she will learn her lesson and keep my privacy. It's like reading my diary and being upset over finding out I wasn't religious or that I cheated on someone--- yeah it wasn't meant for you to know so if you know it now as a result of violating my privacy, then you handle your own feelings.

peggels24 · August 2014

I'm really sorry that you are so upset today (especially while at work - that's just the worst). That being said - this is probably going to sound cruel and heartless but I don't mean it that way at all:

a) If you don't want your mom to open your mail, change your address and don't send anything to her house. It sounds to me like she is opening your mail because she wants to make sure that you get mail in a timely manner.

b) If your mom offered to tell the rest of the family, then she's not cry-worthy upset. Yes she's hurt because you didn't tell her (and it sounds like she also just found out that you eloped if she was upset that she couldn't throw your wedding - this is an assumption based on your posts and I apologize if that is incorrect) but it doesn't sound like she's disowning you. I understand being upset that she found out this way and that she's hurt but take a deep breath - this does not sound irreparable to me.

c) Yes, your DH should not lie to you but perhaps the both of you should talk openly and honestly about realistic limitations - this is definitely where a counselor would really help.

d) I would suggest that you might want to meet with a therapist on your own - it sounds to me as if you may need to work on yourself a little bit - to realize that you are not a bad person because someone else did something or feels a certain way. Plus if you are depressed, you may want to seek help for that as well.

SheHulk723 · August 2014

As far as my mom reading my mail, while yes I would normally feel very upset about it, this time she did actually have a reason. I don't get up to there house often and the last time I got my mail from there, I found out my car insurance had been cancelled and I had no knowledge about it. So, I had no idea I'd been driving around for a few weeks without insurance and now (because of an accident that was not my fault!) they refuse to re-insure me. It cost me several hundred more dollars and a lot of stress because I didn't get my mail. If I had gotten it in time I may have been able to renew it in time and not had to deal with all of that. So that was her reasoning for opening my mail, because it looked important. And I'm not really mad at her for that.

SpaceGirlSpiff · August 2014

1. I second everything @TXUltraRunner said

2. Counseling is a good idea with your H if the communication between you two is sub par over serious matters... you can't really resolve anything without effective communication so a 3rd party mediator may be helpful. I don't really want to offer further advice without details on what exactly happened, but in all marital issues, good, open and mature communication is important no matter what.

3. Probably a good idea in general to have your mail go to where you live rather than your Mom's place? Not just for this reason but also because I'm sure there are various important things mailed to you that may be time sensitive .... Is there a reason you can't do that?

Barbiemasacre · August 2014

I'm 20 weeks and live with my dad and mom and my dad still don't know I plan on telling him just don't know when because we have a bad relationship. Hopefully you and your mom are close and it's patched up quickly!

nmrd · August 2014

I think everyone's given really great advice. Take some time and take care of yourself. If you have a good relationship with your mom and it wouldn't stress you out more, maybe you can do something fun together to celebrate the baby--spa day, mani/pedi, maternity/baby shopping day, work in a registry together, go through magazines to get nursery ideas? Whatever fits and sounds fun.

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