I feel so out of place :/

PenelopeM11 · August 2014

I hope no one minds me whining. I already wore out my best friend so I thought I might bug other people. Lol

I'm new here and almost 11 weeks. This was not planned. I always said I never wanted to have children, but life had other plans for me I guess. I am 38 and also single. (Dated the father for 2 months before conceiving on a contraceptive failure and I choose not to have him in my life. Long story)

So I find myself lost in all this. I'm a very capable person and have a good head on my shoulders but I keep thinking 'what now?' The plan I had for my life is now out the window. I've established a network of friends who are mostly single or who have older kids and i worry I won't be able to do all the active things I used to do. Certainly can't mountain bike with an infant. :-/ And I'm a planner so I'm already worrying that I can't afford daycare or even a maternity leave because I need to work to make my bills!

I feel like an anomaly. I havnt noticed any over 35, single, first time mothers to be on here and its just frustrating to feel crappy all the time when you're approaching 40 and have no one get it. Lol I laugh because I know I sound silly, but I thank you for listening to me vent. I know it all will work out ok, but dam, life hasn't given me a break in 10 years! Jerk. :-L :P

MsMacual · August 2014

Hugs. I'm a big believer that everything happens for a reason and it fall into place. I also think that you can do a lot of your before kids stuff once you have kids- there are two camps of parents- those who change their entire lifestyle to fit their kid and those who don't. We are in the didn't change much camp and our son has been fine doing the things that we love to do (or we stopped doing the activity for a few years, but plan to have him join us once he's big enough- like golf).

Samuelismomma · August 2014

I echo what pp said I haven't changed really anything in my lifestyle. My H is from Eastern Europe and they do everything with the kiddo's . We even go to sports places like Buffalo Wild Wings gives us the bar like atmosphere and ds can go! Lol....you can put your lo on bike carrier or pull one of the carts and go once they can sit up!

topaz7777 · August 2014

I'm not married and about to be a second time mom. I still wouldn't change it for the world. I have a BF and have no intention on getting married. Just taking things day by day.

NeonNoon · August 2014

Welcome and congratulations! I'm married, but I can tell you that it doesn't stop me from worrying about how I'm going to cope with being a new mom.

harmonicbabe26 · August 2014

Well I guess I'll be the wet blanket here. I am married, wanted a kid desperately - and had her, and I can tell you that your life does change with a child. Not better/worse just different. It's not about you anymore, the helpless human comes first because without you they can't survive.

You can do all kinds of things with kids, many of the same as before, but yes, you won't do them the same WAY. And no, you won't go mtn biking with an infant. And many things you can't or will not want to do again.

This may sound harsh but are you saying you wish you were not pregnant? Bc at this stage all is not over yet. Sorry if this statement shocks some here. But IMO better not to bring a child to this world than do it and then both mom and kid be miserable and dysfunctional forever.

But if you're saying that you DO want to have this baby and you're just feeling blue, then just give yourself time to adjust and accept the fact that things will be different and in many ways harder but also you'll discover a whole new world of fun and new experiences. Seeing the world though the eyes if a small child is truly amazing and it's one of the perks of parenting...

mandyreads · August 2014

Welcome and congrats. You'll figure it out. Just hang in there. ((Hugs))

BabyBliss76 · August 2014

Congrats!! I was not sure how I felt about having kids. Thought maybe one day I might think more about it. Lol! I was never a "baby" person. Then one day I was pregnant and scared to death!! She was not planned. If I would have waited for the right time who knows where I would be! I thank God every day for my beautiful family! She changed my whole world in every way. I had no idea that being a mom is by far the most amazing, wonderful, best and hardest job on the planet! Once your baby is here, the things you are worrying about right now will more than likely not matter. Best wishes!!!

WeLiveInMaine · August 2014

I can't speak on all the points you mentioned but I know what you mean about feeling out of place. I live in a community of mothers who are all older than me. I have an 11 year old daughter and all of her peers have parents who seem to be in the range of ten years older than me. Not to mention well established in careers and have much further degrees than I do. I'm heading back to school for my second career on Monday. On the one hand I feel like a teen parent (I was actually 25) compared to all of them and on the other I'm remarried and starting back at the beginning with a new baby in the spring. I'm hoping to find some new mommy friends this time around, I kind of forgot to last time and just kept hanging out with young childless folks.
I think you will find your way, best of luck!

banana2020 · August 2014

See... I'm the opposite and have felt "out of place" for reasons that aren't so different but definitely not the same. I'm 38 as well but married with a 4.5yo. I'm happy as can be, so I can't complain about my marriage or my son. They are amazing. The part where I have always felt out of place is that many of my friends (mostly MH's friends' wives) had children younger than I did and their children are older despite the women being younger than I am. It's kind of awkward in that I'm the one having a baby right now while others are sending their kids off to 3rd grade and such. Meanwhile, my good friends from HS and years past are still single, no kids, definitely living the single life that I once was living (not to say I want it back, but there are times I wish I could live one or two days on a whim. KWIM?).

I think many of us feel out of place because our lives just don't seem to line up with so many others.

With that said, I can only offer you hugs and say that life really does change. That doesn't mean every aspect of your life is over as you know it, it just changes in many ways. I worried so much. MH and I really enjoyed our carefree afternoons at a local restaurant bar sharing an appetizer and watching a football game for three lazy hours! We loved heading out to a movie on a whim at 9pm on a Friday night. We were always on the go on the weekends and really loved it. That changed. A LOT. It was a bit of a shock to our system (despite knowing it was coming, obviously) but we adjusted! We really, really did. And while we miss dining out like we used to and we haven't seen a movie together in 5 years, the date nights that we DO have are all the more amazing and appreciated. And spending the time with our son is just priceless. We have fun doing new things, now (or old things in a new way). The zoo, going to the beach, the park, arcades, etc. It's just different.

You will be OK if you want to be OK. It's a life-changer, but not a life-stopper. And you may be shocked to find that those that surround you that are not parents will possibly adore the opportunity to live vicariously through you (without the expense and overnight feedings! haha!).

((((hugs)))) I'm sorry you feel this way. It's not fun being scared of the unknown and changes ahead. But I'm here to say, single or not, planned or not, many people go through very similar fears and worries and come out the other side happier than ever.

pookiesprize · August 2014

I truly believe everything happens for a reason, yes your life will change but your new baby will bring some of the most beautiful memories you will have for a life time. I know it's rough doing it alone but if you really want this baby things will work out, hang in there!!!!

Bigboneded · August 2014

I am married, older. His youngest just started college. I have wanted children forever, never thought I'd be starting in my 40s. We met in Europe and loved "adventuring".
so yes, life is going to be different, but as DH says, "excited and terrified" :-)

lib1974 · August 2014

Hi there, I am 40 and chose to do this on my own via donor so my situation is slightly different however I can empathize that it is a small club we are in for sure. Even with my plan it took me a while to get used to the idea once I found out I was actually pregnant. I don't know what else to say other than hang in there and know everything will work out the way it's supposed to.

MrsKamella75 · August 2014

Hello, I will say congratulations. I am more realistic and practical. This is my second marriage. My husband is younger and I am 39. I am a soldier and I am rarely home. He finally got me home long enough for us to get pregnant. I have older children to the tune of they are moving out. And we are starting over. Even when you plan everything out life happens. I think you should the father the option to be in the child's life. It is just being fair. I am sure your friends will help you. My family is not changing our life because of our new addition. I am a soldier and I am not getting out. My husband works and we don't believe in day care. We have family coming to live with us. Start getting your plan together before your baby comes.

GingerMommy315 · August 2014

You are not alone, although my story is a bit different. I have felt completely out of place as the only person without kids in my circle for many years now. Holidays were always weird, I would go spend time with my family and I would always be the only single childless one. I always wanted to be a Mom, but because I am 37 and so many people my age I know are having such a hard time conceiving I guess a part of me was just resolved to the fact that it was never going to happen for me.

Well... I had sex without birth control for the first and only time in my super-careful (planned out) life and BAM! Guess what? Baby on the way! I'm almost 11 weeks now, but I still feel like I am in total shock. I have a boyfriend that is completely thrilled about this situation, and my parents have been nothing but supportive, but I guess since none of this happened the way I thought it would I am having a hard time truly processing it.

I know I am going to love this baby to pieces, but right now I'm just in this weird state of disbelief.

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