Inlaw rant. Just need to vent

LovelyLips · August 2014

Hey bumpies.

Sorry to bore you all but I just need a place to vent. Sorry if it's a bit long.

So inlaws are moving house some time in future. It's still in the legal black hole phase so could be a while. They were getting rid of some furniture as down sizing and we saw that they had a chest of drawers that they needed to be rid of some time down the line. We needed one for new baby so I said can I have one. Awesome. Saves me money and its solid pine.

So I arrange with inlaws to come some time in next few weeks to stay a night so they can
1. Bring the CoD and 2. Bring tools to cut back my hedges as they were growing crazy (inlaws own our house, they bought it for us last yr so it's all part of all our upkeep etc)

THEN they call me last week to invite themselves to stay over this weekend just gone, to come on sat and leave today (tues). In UK this was a bank holiday Monday weekend and DH and myself were looking forward to doing fek all and just chillin as DS is staying with my mother for a week before he goes back to school. Like why 3 days! I wanted to cry! Nooooooo!

I was super pissed. We only came back staying with inlaws for 2w last weekend. That alone didn't go down well with me. 2w is toooo much.
I didn't want to spend last bank hol of the year before Xmas with them. Period. Not happy. Why couldn't they stick to normal plan. Doesn't take 3 days to bring a chest and do a few hedges. It also peed with rain for most if it so stuck indoors with them.

I told DH that I love his parents but didn't want them here for 3 days on our holiday. It was time for just us.
Obviously I was out voted but I could see DH wasn't too happy about it. He didn't have balls to make up a plan and cancel them coming. It wasn't my place. They're his parents. Me doing it would have caused a rift with DH and myself. I didn't want that.

So I have just got rid of inlaws and feel like I've lost a weekend doing stuff they wanna do. Feel angry for having to put up with this but couldn't say no as they knew we had no plans being just with them a week ago. I just really didn't want company again so soon. Now I have a huge house to clean/tidy and feel so drained from their presents and them being in my personal space all that time.

To top it off, they not only bought 1 Chest of drawers but 2. Now the space I made in baby room for decorating is now full of 2 chests. Can barely move in there. I wanted to get decor done before any big furniture goes in there. That's why I haven't bought loads of stuff for baby yet. So mad.
I had said in passing that I MAY in time need a new CoD for DS too but need to check if there is space for his clothes to fit in a smaller one (his is falling apart slowly) but I don't want that one YET incase I can't get all the clothes in it. I wanted to try them all in baby's one as it's identical and get back to them in time. Not now! FFS! It's not like they are moving imminently and they have a huge house with lots of room. They could have held onto it for another month. What's wrong with ppl.
Then DH sticks up for them saying they mean well. Yes they do but ppl need to listen and stick to plans. What am I going to do with 2 lots of drawers plus sons old one.

Now I've got so much sorting to do, can't move furniture on my own as 21w preg. DH works late and won't want to move or do anything after work without an argument. So frustrated right now.

Sorry for rant ladies. Yes I know they did mean well and I'm grateful for the drawers but I like to be organised and now nursery to be is in even more of a shambles and my plans to get started on it are in tatters as I have to wait for ppl to help me move stuff. Hate feeling so useless and not being able to move stuff on my own as I once did. I'm not one for sitting around waiting on ppl. Feeling hindered today by tiredness, hormones and my 'fragile' state.

llbne · August 2014

I can see you are frustrated but I think you need to take a step back and look at this more objectively. Basically, it seems like you wanted your in laws to come for the minimal amount of time possible to give you free stuff (but only preapproved free stuff) and then leave. I know that's an oversimplification, but you do sound like you're being a bit bratty. They sound like sweet people; maybe cut them a break.

britb618 · August 2014

Sorry they ruined your weekend

Samiantha101 · August 2014

Wow. Did I read this correctly? You're pissed that you in lawns came down to bring you a chest and to trim your hedges in a house they bought for you and your husband? I don't have the words.

banana2020 · August 2014

I'm sure you're frustrated. But frankly, you sound very selfish in your post. I'm sorry, but you do. You probably don't mean to, but it sounds like your ILs mean well for sure and are gifting you 2 nice pieces of furniture. In one breath you say you don't want them there, in the next breath you say you want them to come back in a month with the 2nd CoD if YOU decide you want it. That's kind of absurd, really.

You have an entire week to enjoy alone time with YH. If he has no ambition after work that's the problem, not your ILs taking up an extra day or so on your long weekend. Book a date night out this week while your mother so kindly watches your son for the week. Go out to dinner. Watch some shows at home. Make a romantic dinner together. Go shopping. Go see a movie. You have a lot of time left to enjoy each other. Your ILs were kind and generous, IMO. Losing a day or so because they wanted to stick around to bring you some free stuff & do yard work for you? No big deal.

Disneygeek77 · August 2014

Well they have a schedule to keep to. So if the week you preferred didn't work for them, then it didn't work. I don't blame them for coming on a weekend when they would have more free time to spend with their son and his wife instead of working. I know that is what I would prefer if I was coming to see my grown children.

I hate to say it, but it seems you are taking advantage of their kindness.

BookitBoo · August 2014

I'm sorry that your inlaws didn't stick your plan, it always sucks when our plans get turned upside down. And it's never fun when we have to wait for help from others when we're used to being independent.

Instead of focusing on that, perhaps you would focus on the fact that you can get it all done now without having to wait for your inlaws to make another trip.

Sounds like the first thing you should do is see if DS's clothes fit in the new dresser and move that into his room
so that you have the space you need to organize and decorate the nursery.

LovelyLips · August 2014

Ok. To clarify.
1. I don't think I'm being brattish or selfish. I stated I know they mean well but it was only holiday I have with DH this weekend. That's over now. 3 days. Man has to work right up til Xmas/birth.
They wanted to trim hedges as they own the chainsaw! My bushes being over grown right now is not a real issue. They could have lasted a couple more weeks.

That's why DS went to stay with my mum. She doesn't live local or drive and I have no family/friends to have him when ever I want. Only hols DH will get until baby is here. Other than DH being home late after work every day, I'm alone with my son. DH not wanting to do DIY late at night I get. He's tired. I don't work. Doesn't mean I'm not busy keeping house and running after other kids.

They stated 2w time. I planned around them. Then they call me up day before they're coming. Nice notice.

2. Inlaws are both early retired and have ample free time. Both drive. (DH and myself do not have a car) they are only couple hrs away. Plus have only just came back from being there so had 2w of togetherness with them.

Coming with drawers was not important this weekend. They can come anytime. Plus they aren't moving yet so I don't see urgency esp when we all scheduled for in 2w. They also knew I wanted to paint etc in next week before receiving furniture.

3. They said they definitely couldn't bring 2 sets at once as could not got in car even if I wanted both. I didn't say I wanted 2 for sure I have no room atm for 2. Now I have 3

SA0012 · August 2014

I'm going to go ahead and assume the previous posters have helped you see how grateful you should be and chalk your frustration up to pregnancy mood swings?

I think my DH's relationship with his parents (as well as MY relationship with them) is important. They're family. They're welcome any time. I cannot IMAGINE ever telling him to not let them visit or make them go home early for no good reason. Some day they will be gone. And you will both want to give up many bank holidays alone just to spend a day with them.

They sound amazing. I'm sorry you're not able to relax with them.

BookitBoo · August 2014

@LovelyLips‌
I understand the situation, promise.

But even if they 'only' had to drive a couple hours to drop off the furniture they're doing you a favor. Presumably, despite being retired, they have things that they want to do and like to do with their time. They chose to use their 3 day weekend to do you a couple Of favor and to also spend time with their son and daughter in law.

I'm sorry they changed the plans last minute and I understand how frustrating that is. I also get that having to wait for help to move furniture when you had a plan sucks. But regardless this is a mostly 'win' situation for you. It's not like you paid for the furniture or the gas or the hedge trimming.

Treat yourself and your husband to a date night sometime in the near future.

LovelyLips · August 2014

Yes. Sadly some men lack balls when it comes to saying no to their mummy's. As I said. He wasn't so chuffed with idea.

@SA0012‌ I'm glad you have such a relationship with your Inlaws. But not all families are so idyllic. I know plenty of ladies on bump have issues at times with Inlaws. Or parents for that matter.

Inlaws like parents can be over bearing and hard work. Both DH and myself live away from all of them for that reason. We like our space. Doesn't mean we don't love or appreciate them but some families don't work well when around each other. We don't live in each other's pockets.
Pls don't insinuate that we want rid of them. I just like notice. Not too much to ask.

I'm not going to chalk every rant I have as hormonal just cos I'm pregnant. We are all entitled to emotional days pregnant or no. Sometimes lots of things add up and add pressure.

britb618 · August 2014

I do get your frustration, @lovelylips my in laws watch my kid every day and can be super helpful and my husbands aunt goes out of her way to buy us stuff, she recently paid for the interior of our house to be painted and just went onto my private registry on pottery barn and bought EVERY item on there for my sons room.... they are super generous but that doesn't mean that you can't get annoyed at things they do if they are inconsiderate. Which is why I said I'm sorry they ruined your weekend. But kind of like everyone else said, sometimes we just have to suck it up and realize how lucky we are that our in laws are so amazing. I complain about them and its fine that you came here to vent. I think the pp's just wanted you to realize how lucky you do have it.

Beauxbaton · August 2014

You can be grateful and annoyed at the same time. I get where you're coming from. I hate when I'm expecting free time with DH and then suddenly something comes up. It's frustrating. Hopefully he will get a little extra free time before baby is born.

melmarie4 · August 2014

I completely get your frustration. If you had been honest with your in laws and told them not this weekend, it sounds like your husband would have been mad at you. Your husband could have understood how important alone time with him was for you and told his parents to come another weekend. Their feelings might have been a little hurt, but they are grown ups and can handle it. As for the furniture, they probably thought they were just being super helpful bringing it this early and bringing you the extra one in case you want it for your son. I think the important thing in this situation is to look at the intentions. It doesn't sound like they realized coming this weekend would upset you and probably thought you'd be grateful if they brought the furniture as soon as possible. When you compare it to some of the issues other people have with their in laws where their in laws are internationally screwing them over, having in laws that care about you and try to help you out like yours might not seem so bad.

Disneygeek77 · August 2014

Well then you need to focus your frustration on your husband. Stop making excuses. Hold him accountable to the promises he made on your wedding day.

LovelyLips · August 2014

I totally get what ppl are saying or suggesting. I do care for Inlaws but they seem to be on a different planet sometimes and it drives me nuts. They live in the country up in the hills where it's all sheep and ponies. It's so quiet. We live in a city where it's go go go all the time. That 3 days is nothing to them as they are retired. Meant a lot to me. I rarely get a break when DH does esp with no kids around.

I would love DH to learn to say no but I know he didn't want to push their noses out etc. Thing is I would have felt the same if it was my parents. But then I would have the balls to say thanks but not this weekend. I'm
Just more forward than DH like that. Hate them assuming we're free all the time.

Disneygeek77 · August 2014

You could always put it into perspective for him. Let him know that someone in this situation will be disappointed, so he can either choose to upset his mom or upset his wife. You know, the woman he vowed to put above all others ( assuming your wedding vows included something like that), the woman he sleeps next to every night and the woman who is about to give birth to his second child.

I have only had to say that to my husband once and that was all that was needed. It was like a light bulb went off in his head and he realized, "" Hey wait, I would rather my mom be mad at me than my wife."

sparksfly22 · August 2014

I agree with @Disneygeek77‌ . Your husband needs to be the one battling or handling his parents-not you. My husband and I had one huge fight over this concept and since then, he has been able to express both mine and his feelings when his mom tries to make decisions for him or without consulting me. He's not a child and he makes excuses for her a lot. She isn't confrontational etc. But she's 40 so she needs to grow up instead of ignoring my texts and doing things that are not convenient for us just cause it's helpful for her (I.e. Planning her daughters grad party on the same day as my birthday and then insisting my husband fly out for it plus an extra week). Then, his stepmom announced to everyone on facebook that we were having a boy, without giving my husband to deliver the news to his best friend first and without me being able to tell my own mom (all of this within the span of a car ride)! Like seriously. I know in laws try to be helpful but a lot of them forget that their kids are no longer kids and if they're not going to respect that... AND your husband won't respect the marriage enough to notice that your needs and wants are more important than his mom's, then he should have married his mom. Sorry but it's true.

danakatiepfoltzer · August 2014

@LovelyLips‌ I totally get where you're coming from. My MIL has done tons of nice things but because of other circumstances /situations etc, I end up being annoyed. I feel guilty for being annoyed but also rightfully annoyed because of certain circumstances.

I'm sorry your private holiday was not-so-private.

artistewonder · August 2014

I totally understand your frustrations! Just because someone is doing something nice for you doesn't mean it give them immunity! You can still be frustrated and annoyed...its not like it overrides their actions. Its easier for alot of people to say be grateful because they may not have that experience, but everybodys experience with IL are different and clearly you can't yell and scream at them so thats what this place is for! Sometimes there is nothing you can do but vent and eventually you will exhaust yourself and be able to move past it! At least until the next thing that comes along...there will always be something that isn't perfect but there's always hope in trying new ways of communicating. I don't want to say lie...BUT sometimes me and the husband withhold some info...making us less available so we arent put in those delicate situations. Good luck!

Stargirlb · August 2014

you have to speak up. They didn't invite themselves if you said ok that works. You should have said no, we have plans. That's that.

I never EVER get into these situations because I just state what works for me and what doesn't.

Stargirlb · August 2014

also, your real problem is your hubster. Somehow his need to have an opinion got you into this mess where u are doormat. If he can't respect your desire to have a weekend to yourself, obvs that is the bigger issue.

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