Anxiety over my preemie

aforst · August 2014

I'm having a hard time not being super anxious about DD and her health. Aside from reflux in her kidneys, which is being monitored, she's perfectly healthy. I just can't seem to relax and accept that she's a "normal" baby now. Other than her early entrance into the world, there is no reason to think anything would be wrong with her. I just keep thinking that something else is going to happen.

The other day she started putting both hands on her head when she's lying on her back. I asked the pedi about it this morning at her well check and they don't seem concerned. They said she probably just discovered her head or is comfortable lying like that. In my mind I'm worried that she's having pain up there and something is wrong. Rationally I know it's probably nothing. She's not acting like she's in pain. I'm also not sure that a four month old would even know to grab the area that's hurting her.

We also have an apnea monitor that she came home on from the NICU. We need to send it back (our pedi gave us the ok to). We only put it on her at night and it never goes off. I'm terrified to send it back. I told DH that I have to buy a Snuza before we do. I don't think I'll sleep at all otherwise.

I was not like this with the boys, at all. I don't know if it's because of everything we went through with her, I don't know if it's because she's my last baby. I just don't want to have this anxiety about her health all time. I just want to enjoy her!

MrsT0514 · August 2014

Im so sorry you're struggling @aforst. I think thay given all you've been through, you should try to take it easy on yourself. I'd probably be the same way if I were in your shoes. ::hugs::

Just know that you're not alone. It seems like ever since my DS was born (almost 20 months ago) my anxiety is threefold. Now that I'm pg with our second, im even more anxious and incredibly moody/sobby over everything on top of anxiousness.

Are there any types of support groups in your area you can join? Or maybe can you get in touch with a counselor? I know my therapist ks my life saver sometimes, bc I just need some to help me get out of my own head.

aforst · August 2014

Sorry to have posted and disappeared, I had a meeting. Thank you all so much. I have struggled with anxiety in the past but that always centered around my own health. I took Lexapro for 6 months and have been able to manage it much better since. I think that's how I'm able to step back and tell myself that these fears are, most likely, unfounded.

@TyrannosaurusLex I really can't tell you how much better it makes me feel to know you asked about the head touching too! It just started to snow ball in my mind that she's touching her head b/c something is going on up there. Then I end up at "she has a brain tumor."

I also agree that the monitor will help me. I was terrified of bringing it home with her at first and now I'm sick to think of sending it back. I have to have something else to get me through this time with her. I still check to make sure she's breathing even when she's hooked up the monitor. I'm afraid it will miss something.

I hope this isn't going to sound bad but I feel like it's just different with her. She was harder to get. I had a miscarriage before her and then the beginning of her pregnancy was questionable. I never felt like I felt her moving enough and then she came 6 weeks early. She's my last baby. I guess I just always thought that once she was home from the NICU we'd move on with our lives. I didn't expect to still be feeling this way.

I'm so glad to hear that others have felt this way. I suppose it makes sense that having her in the hospital for two months would have some lasting effects. I've just always been so focused on the fact that it could have been so much worse (and is for so many parents).

MrsT0514 · August 2014

I can relate to having anxiety surrounding one's health. I'm totally a self admitted hypochondriac for sure, and it sucks sometimes bc most things, are unfounded worries. Ever since DS was born, its morphed from worries re: MY health to mostly worries re: his. Im sure it'll be the same way once this baby is born too.

I think that worry is normal to an extent..but not when it interferes with everyday life and one's wellbeing (I'm struggling with it too currently, so you're most certainly not alone in the way you feel!).

aforst · August 2014

MrsT0514 said:

I can relate to having anxiety surrounding one's health. I'm totally a self admitted hypochondriac for sure, and it sucks sometimes bc most things, are unfounded worries. Ever since DS was born, its morphed from worries re: MY health to mostly worries re: his. Im sure it'll be the same way once this baby is born too. I think that worry is normal to an extent..but not when it interferes with everyday life and one's wellbeing (I'm struggling with it too currently, so you're most certainly not alone in the way you feel!).

That's why I ended up on the lexapro. I was having a hard time taking care of my kids when I was really anxious. I was so fixated on what I was obsessing about. For me it was either my heart or my brain. I was convinced I was just going to drop dead. I have cut out all caffiene and that has made a huge difference. I've never been this anxious about my kid's health before, just the normal amount of anxious.

That's why this seems odd to me.

MrsT0514 · August 2014

aforst said:

MrsT0514 said:

I can relate to having anxiety surrounding one's health. I'm totally a self admitted hypochondriac for sure, and it sucks sometimes bc most things, are unfounded worries. Ever since DS was born, its morphed from worries re: MY health to mostly worries re: his. Im sure it'll be the same way once this baby is born too.

I think that worry is normal to an extent..but not when it interferes with everyday life and one's wellbeing (I'm struggling with it too currently, so you're most certainly not alone in the way you feel!).

That's why I ended up on the lexapro. I was having a hard time taking care of my kids when I was really anxious. I was so fixated on what I was obsessing about. For me it was either my heart or my brain. I was convinced I was just going to drop dead. I have cut out all caffiene and that has made a huge difference. I've never been this anxious about my kid's health before, just the normal amount of anxious.

That's why this seems odd to me.

Yes, I tend to fixate too. Which is also why I broke down to Mh yesyerday and told him, that from the way my anxiety has been lately, if I wasn't currently pg, I'd probably be open to trying a med. I also told him that if he sees my anxiety ramp up after this baby is born, to push me to call the doc.

MrsT0514 · August 2014

@aforst so are you currently on meds at all or no? If not, would you be open to trying them again? At least until you can get your anxiety levels down for a while...

I mean, only you know how bad you feel. Its all about your comfort level. If meds aren't an option, maybe do a counselor to help you talk it out? I know talking through my feeling helps me tremendously.

Tessybell2007 · August 2014

I came to this board about 4 months ago when I was having severe anxiety and it saved me. There is a wealth of support here and lots of women who know how to help or have been there themselves. Overall, I think from what you've written, your issues are anxiety driven and NOT something that is actually wrong with your baby. But if you don't get it under control soon, it can get worse (as it did with mine.) I think I had mild post partum anxiety after my 2nd DD but I ignored and self medicated and it all came to a boiling point and I had a mental breakdown. I'm still seeing a therapist and dealing with daily anxiety but help is out there and this board is an awesome place to vent and get emotional support.

Mrs.Rose · August 2014

I also had a full term NICU baby with brain/kidney/liver injuries due to oxygen deprivation in utero. We monitor kidneys still, due to the acute renal failure at birth, and while everything is ok so far, I understand the worry. I had to go on meds for a while after C was born, and it helped SO much. For me, time has really helped. We crossed out the scariest of issues over time (blood disorders, genetic stuff, cerebral palsy, etc), but still, now even slight issues can send me reeling. I think we are in a "special" club of moms who have faced the terror of a sick baby and it is really hard to come out on the other side. PTSD is a real thing. I am not the same person I was at all, but I am much better than when C was a baby. Hang in there mama.

NotSharknado · August 2014

I'm sorry. I can tell you I'd be the exact same way without a doubt. I agree with pp, it's going to take some time.

fancynewbeesly · August 2014

I am sorry. Even though Reese was a premie---with her complex medical history, I probably check her temperature and look for bruises. Anytime she goes to sleep early I worry as well. Some days are better than other, but I am definitely a lot less anxious now than I was in January.

Some of it just takes time. But I don't think there would ever be a time that I wouldn't worry about it--just not on the scale of panicking when I see a bump or a bruise, etc.

babylimas · August 2014

Totally normal! I am a bit obsessive about watching my son. On one hand I'm pretty chill about the little things because we have dealt with such major problems - OHS, NEC. On the other hand I tend to jump to worst case scenario and worry. He's always constipated so I am convinced his thyroid function is off. I started taking zoloft when he was a baby and it has been a lifesaver. Got me through a couple surgeries and just let me relax a bit and stop feeling so guilty over everything. I'm glad your little girl is healthy!

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