My MIL and her DOG!

mongre101 · August 2014

Hey Ladies,

I kind of need to vent and get some input. My MIL and I do not have the best relationship. My DH does not have the best relationship with her either.   To put it simply, she is quite narcissistic which causes conflict.   In any case, about 4 1/2 years ago, her father passed (my DH grandfather) and it was quite hard on her. So, by brother in law (DH brother) got her a Yorkie puppy to cheer her up.

This Yorkie is very sweet and means well, but he has never been really trained and relives himself anywhere at anytime. I mean, he knows his name and that is about it. He will not respond to any commands and he does what he wants. He can do no wrong in her eyes. She thinks its funny, but it is quite disturbing and obviously makes us doubt the sanitation of her house and safety of the baby when/if he goes over there.

My MIL is not the happiest person and this baby is the first thing in a long time that she seems excited about. I am excited for her and want her to have a good relationship with our baby boy. My main issue is that I cannot bring him over her house. DH and I have had discussions about this and we seem on the same page. He keeps saying he will talk to her about it but he is being very passive about the whole thing. DH told her about his concerns about the dog, but he has not said, our baby will not be going over your house unless you do something about the dog, etc.   I do not know what he is waiting for.

I know that this issue is going to cause a great conflict as she will probably not get the point and likely victimize herself (narcissism). Especially when this should be a happy time, first grandchild, holiday time, and everything. I am not sure what to do other than be like, "Sorry, we will not be bringing the baby to see you... if you want to see him, you will have to come to us."   I guess that is the reality of it.

She also wants to watch him when she retires next year. I doubt that will happen.

Sorry for the length. Any thoughts? Thanks!

SarahHeck · August 2014

I'm a wuss so I wouldn't make a big deal about it right now. If she keeps pushing then put your foot down, but for now If she invites you over just invite her over instead and say it'd be easier to have her to your house because all the baby's stuff is there. I wouldn't tell her her house is disgusting because that will make her defensive, but if she pushes for a reason why you won't come over then tell her.

mongre101 · August 2014

It should be that simple, but I doubt that it will be. She is not going to want to come here every time and she doesn't like to drive at night. So there is no chance she would come to our place to watch him into the night. That limits things.

It's not like her house is disgusting. She tries to clean up after the dog and make it smell nice. Its just the thought that the dog might jump on him, or per on his pack n play for example that does not sit well with me.

ssstephanie214 · August 2014

Well nothing's happened yet. It's not like the dog is aggressive. I wouldn't get worked up about it at this point.

Nichole7041 · August 2014

I had the exact same issue w my MIL and her dog. We don't go over there because the dog isn't house trained and uses pee pads that soak into the floor. Plus there are mold problems.
MIL was upset at first but when it comes to making her upset or our baby's health you have to choose what's more important.
She comes to our house and it works out cuz now that our son is older our house is all baby proofed and it's easier for her to watch him there in our home.
If your MIL wants to see your lil one enough (which she will) she will make the drive. Just relax and enjoy your pregnancy

kstirton · August 2014

I think you should take this as it comes. Hopefully, when baby is here - your MIL won't want the dog peeing on the baby's things either. You don't know how she's going to choose to handle the situation until you give her the chance to do so. I think having the discussion now and trying to hash it out right now is probably just causing unnecessary stress between you and DH.

I deal w/ a similar situation. My DH has 5 brother/sisters and we always have holiday's at our house b/c the other ones are absolutely filthy. Disgusting. We haven't talked about it much b/c I know when the time comes, DH is not going to want his daughter around the filth just as much as I don't want to. And he will feel much better sticking up for his family himself, without the added pressure from me. If I do have to step in, I will when the time comes.

carcrashheart · August 2014

Yeah, good luck with that.

Here's a thought-don't put the baby down on the floor. I bet the dog can't pee on the baby while being held. When there comes a time to put the kid down, deal then. But seriously, this is not exactly a hill to die on. If the dog piss is being cleaned up then you may need to get over yourself.

This sounds like more of you having an ax to grind with your mil than anything else. And I get that and know the feeling. But admit it and move on.

silverwings72 · August 2014

@carcrashheart‌ - it's called tact. Learn it, love it, use it.

OP, I think the other ladies gave you great advice. Have MIL come to your house, don't future trip. Good luck.

MrsLillyG · August 2014

My mils house isnt the cleanest. No dog pee but there is stuff everywhere and I dont think she disinfects/vaccumes ever and trash bins overflowing. This wont be a problem until the baby learns to crawl. my H will handle it by saying something like-can you make sure the house is childproof by doing xyz things...

Eta I dont think you need to say anything now. Unless for some reason it comes up.

kstirton · August 2014

carcrashheart said:

Yeah, good luck with that. Here's a thought-don't put the baby down on the floor. I bet the dog can't pee on the baby while being held. When there comes a time to put the kid down, deal then. But seriously, this is not exactly a hill to die on. If the dog piss is being cleaned up then you may need to get over yourself. This sounds like more of you having an ax to grind with your mil than anything else. And I get that and know the feeling. But admit it and move on.

Really? She needs to get over HERSELF? Look who's talking.

photo:

missnacholover · August 2014

Ignoring the obvious crankypants in this thread.

OP, I'm in a similar situation - my SIL lives with my ILs and there are 2 dogs there. One is the laziest, most easy going dog ever and not a concern. My SIL's dog is very hyper and jumpy and I'm concerned about how he will be around the baby. Our plan is to just keep them separate and I have no issues disciplining the dog (much to SIL's chagrin) if needed. They don't discipline him so that's where his issues stem from.

Can MIL put the dog in the kitchen with gates up or something so he doesn't pee on LO and LO's toys?

jj0313 · August 2014

You might need to wait for it to become a situation and then deal with it then. Saying something proactively is probably going to put her on the defense and not go over well. Once the baby is here it will be easier to stay firm. Good luck!!

clumsyatheart · August 2014

i totally understand the concern here, especially with a newborn breathing in any fumes or possibly being jumped on, etc if the dog isn't trained. it makes me really sad when dogs aren't trained, a it's doing a serious disservice to them. i'm sorry you're going through this with your MIL (she sounds like my gran. my mom's dealt with her victimizing herself over situations that are her fault more times than i can count. pain in the butt!). some people who have untrained dogs do tend to favor them and think they do no wrong, which is really sad because dogs do need discipline.

i hope she doesn't think about putting the dog in the pack n play with the baby. i don't have any advice really, just support, although it might be best to just be blunt with her before the baby arrives, so she doesn't have a false impression or misunderstanding that could make things worse later, when you're dealing with post-labor recovery and a newborn. no one needs drama then!

ColtiersMom · August 2014

You might be FTM overly cautious about the dog-I doubt she would actually allow the dog to jump on him or knowingly pee on his pack n play. Although, I don't know her either. Anyhow, when and if y'all go visit her ask her to put the dog in a kennel or outside while the baby is their with y'all there of course. Simply explain that you know the dog will be excited to see the baby and explore all of the baby things but you also don't want him accidently harming the baby.

missnacholover · August 2014

I can't imagine any reasonable person putting a dog in a PNP with a baby.

highbornhunter · August 2014

As a FTM I get why you are worried, and it's easy to worry about everything right now #hormones. I am not a dog person myself, and people who don't do anything to train their dogs are a big part of the reason why. You've gotten some great advice here though. Don't borrow trouble, but if it comes down to it, be tactful and assertive.

phdprocrastinator · August 2014

For the most part, I agree that this is something you may just have to handle as it comes. I would try not to go over there before baby is about 3 months (this is reasonable, really), and then if we went over I would watch that dog like a hawk. I'm not so concerned about the pee issue (pee is actually generally harmless, even if it's terribly disgusting to think about), but with the dog's behavior in general. I'm thinking of some dog owners I know that would think it's funny for the dog to nip at someone ("Oh, it's just a nip - he's playing!") and the like. I know a big part of our dog training was ensuring the dog wouldn't lose it around children - who are more energetic and more likely to scare a dog than adults. So that's what I would look for there.

As far as her intent to watch the baby: I would be more concerned about the fact that neither you or your husband have a good relationship with her. It sounds like she's thinking she would provide child care (I could be wrong about this). That is something I would nip in the bud now, just so she doesn't have any delusions about what's going to happen when she retires. You and your husband may need to think up the best way to explain this to her and present a united front about it so she can't play you off each other.

Good luck!

mongre101 · August 2014

Thank you ladies for your advice and input. I greatly appreciate it.

Sunflowermommy33 · August 2014

I think I would wait for any instance to happen before I nixed her watching lo. I'm sure she wouldn't want pup to pee on babys things either.

Sunflowermommy33 · August 2014

Also being that there will be a baby around when you see the pup do something bad you (with baby in hand) can use that as an opportunity to point it out to lo about how pup is naughty. Maybe she will get the hint eventually.

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