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SharSharx · August 2014

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smboswell1 · August 2014

Hugs! I went through something similar. My boyfriend was very wishy washy and distant in the beginning. He wanted nothing to do with the baby. It took him a while to officially come around and I honestly do not think he is there yet. He told me recently that he wants to be involved and he wants to be a family. I'm not getting my hopes up though! Just give him some time and space and he will come around. He might just be having a minor freak out!

Colleen12589 · August 2014

For my DH he didn't really "get it" until after the baby was born. This is now our 4th so he is way more interactive but he still hasn't been to any appt with me. I would say that if he was supportive and caring before he might just not be understanding what's going on now but once baby comes will be be back to his old self?

I would try and stay as connected as possible with him until the baby is born but expect nothing from him that way you don't get you're heart broken twice.
I'm sorry you're going through this, being pregnant is hard enough without relationship trouble

good luck

SharSharx · August 2014

Thankyou all! Am really going to try and fight for our little family but not going to be easy!

musicalmommy3 · August 2014

Hang in there. Hopefully he realizes what he's missing out on.

jj0313 · August 2014

If you guys have been together since you were 17 and this was unplanned-it's highly likely he is having a fight or flight response and just needs space. I vote give him this space but don't give it to him indefinitely. Him using your emotions or moodiness against you is immature at best, manipulative at worst. You are pregnant for shits sake! Anyway, let him take some space and if he doesn't come back in the short term resolve yourself to moving forward. You are strong, you are resilient and you will get through this. Out of bed, buttercup!

creativesoul83 · August 2014

I am sorry your experiencing this I truly think men get some what scared an don't exactly know what to do or how to react.
My dh an I have been married for over three years, we have tried to have a baby for three years. Well I am now over 28weeks and until about 26 or 27w he would not touch my stomach or even call our son by the name we gave him. I snapped in the car one day pulled over and gave him a death stare and said "your son is not an it!!! His name is Christian you know that and acknowledge It!!" well now he calls him by name and now touches my stomach and tells lo to kick him. I am not saying for you to snap but that mine it didnt click for him.

Your So may just need space. an unexpected blessing is still a blessing it may just take him some time. hold your head up take some time to get to know us, then we can get to know you and then you can have another support system.

I would not lose hope yet. If he doesn't come around before lo arrival he may once he sees that precious face.

SharSharx · August 2014

Sat here blubbing at all of these amazing comments, nothing like a little advice to make you see that I can get through this. This pregnancy has taught me a lot and with 3 months left, this journey is far from over. Thankyou so much ladies and hope to find a friend in all of you

Maelara · August 2014

I'm sorry, ladies, but I think this whole 'give him space' advice is complete and utter crap. Yeah, he needs time to ADJUST but that doesn't mean him moving out. That's not the type of adjustment that is constructive. When does the women get 'space'? Never, she is always the one growing the baby, going to doctor appointments and making daily decisions that affect her and the baby. This baby was a surprise and we turned to each other and had adult conversations about this new baby. We both needed time to adjust, it took us both probably the whole first trimester, which is fine and healthy. If my husband tried pulling anything like this, we would be done. Permanently.

I know you want to keep your family together but you really need to think about how him moving out reflects upon him and how he will handle big life events in the future. You don't want a partner that will pull away. You want one who needs time to adjust, yes, but is there for you. No matter what.

I'm not saying any of this to be mean, rude or to try and hurt you. Nobody seems to be being realistic and that's what I'm trying to bring. I truly hope everything works out how you want it to and I'm here for any venting that is needed. I give great support here. I'm just tired of the 'give him space' comments. I truly feel they aren't constructive. Sorry ladies, I still love you!

SharSharx · August 2014

Love honesty and for people not to beat around the bush! Thankyou and will have a few days to think about it all and finally decide the best thing for myself in this situation. I appreciate all feedback

clumsyatheart · August 2014

This kind of shit is why i have no patience for men anymore. Hearing about men being horrible to their SOs and especially, their PREGNANT SOs makes me see red. Please don't explain his behavior or excuse it by saying he needs space. Sorry everyone

the woman shouldn't be the one to deal with all of this alone.

The man contributed to the conception of this baby and he needs to grow the hell up. Who leaves a pregnant woman? What kind of person is that? You not only have to deal with all the issues that come with pregnancy and impending parenthood, but his crap and insecurities too? No. Not cool. Especially not cool to be going to appointments by yourself or living by yourself in your third trimester. This is HIS responsibility too. It's funny that we can say "we're pregnant," but we have to be kind and understanding when a man has issues with a pregnancy. What about YOUR issues, your fear, your condition? Ughhhh.

I agree completely with @Maelara‌. I'm sorry if my comment comes off as rude or insensitive or hurtful to you or anyone here. you did NOTHING to deserve this. You are PREGNANT and don't need space. You need SUPPORT. He is being a child and frankly, other things i don't want to say on this board. I am so angry on your behalf and so sorry you have to go through this and deal with his heartlessness and immaturity. You are a badass. Keep going lady, and we'll be there for you. If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to reach out.

Do not deal with this crap. You are the adult here, not him. Believe me, if you're deciding whether or not to leave him, you don't need him. Don't wait for someone who doesn't make you his first priority in times like this. He is a boy, not a man.

love to you.

runningmama14 · August 2014

Glad to see you're open to a variety of advice :-) I'm in the same camp as @Maelara‌. In my book, adjusting looks way different than leaving. This is a man you've been with for 8 years, not a stranger or acquaintance or casual dating partner. Even if this pregnancy wasn't planned, your life together was.

You know far more about your so and your situation than any of us, but please don't be a doormat for a man that can't own up to his responsibility.

Maelara · August 2014

lovebuggies1 said:

I'm sorry, ladies, but I think this whole 'give him space' advice is complete and utter crap. Yeah, he needs time to ADJUST but that doesn't mean him moving out. That's not the type of adjustment that is constructive. When does the women get 'space'? Never, she is always the one growing the baby, going to doctor appointments and making daily decisions that affect her and the baby. This baby was a surprise and we turned to each other and had adult conversations about this new baby. We both needed time to adjust, it took us both probably the whole first trimester, which is fine and healthy. If my husband tried pulling anything like this, we would be done. Permanently.
I know you want to keep your family together but you really need to think about how him moving out reflects upon him and how he will handle big life events in the future. You don't want a partner that will pull away. You want one who needs time to adjust, yes, but is there for you. No matter what.
I'm not saying any of this to be mean, rude or to try and hurt you. Nobody seems to be being realistic and that's what I'm trying to bring. I truly hope everything works out how you want it to and I'm here for any venting that is needed. I give great support here. I'm just tired of the 'give him space' comments. I truly feel they aren't constructive. Sorry ladies, I still love you!
@Maelara Lol well it's a good thing that wasn't my advice... I agree to this to a certain extent. We have no clue what his side of the story is, the details of the relationship, what he or she might've said to make him move out, etc. I just can't tell someone to be done with someone forever because right now his actions differ, they've spent 8 yrs of going up and down. There have been many times (as most of you remember) I've come on here and vented about my SO; wanting to not move in with him, might break up, etc. In my mind that was better than dealing with the issue. But once we started having better communication it stopped me from wanting to run away so much. I don't think this moment reflects on the rest of what he'll do in his life. She needs to tell him about himself and how she feels. If he dismisses that then that's where "just leave him girl" comes in. I'm a strong believer in fighting for your family as long as nothing absolutely horrible is happening.

You have vented lots about your SO but your situation is different

you already don't live together so you guys have had a different type of adjustment period.

We obviously don't know the whole story :P you cheeky monkey! So I will give advice on what has been shared and that's what she was asking for. I could say the same thing about your advice

If my husband moved out, physically moved out (I'm not talking about spending a couple days at his parents while we figure things out either) then, yes. We'd be done. We have also been together for 8 years and I do not take breaking up a whole family lightly. I have very firm boundaries and to me it's incredibly disrespectful to do while your spouse is pregnant. I do firmly believe there is a huge adjustment period to an unexpected pregnancy. That said, how people behave in tough life situations DOES reflect on that person and how they will handle future life events.

Maelara · August 2014

lovebuggies1 said:

@clumsyatheart while I do like beating up the male species here and there, I can't fully get behind this one. I just feel everyone deals with issues differently. I wanted to leave my SO plenty of times during each trimester, does that make me the immature bitch? Probably yes. I didn't want him to come to my appts at first because of our arguments. I just didn't want to deal. That's how I felt at that moment and as a human I'm allowed to have my moments of insanity. And after realizing I was being unreasonable and decided to talk about it, I became a better person. People can grow, you just have to give them a chance. I'm not one for giving all this "space" to her SO at all but what good does it do to tell someone to give up and move on. How will he ever know he needs to grow up if she doesn't talk about it to him?

Aw, sweetie! Is it creepy that i just want to sweep you up and give you a big ol' hug?!?! Your situation is different though! First, you're the one that is pregnant. Pregnant ladies are allowed to be insane

second, you didn't move out or your SO didnt move out. To me, once that step has been taken there is no going back. They have closed the door and acted in a way that is just SO hurtful. I agree everyone has their moments of insanity and we are human and should be allowed those moments but he MOVED OUT. That goes beyond insanity and has now become and extremely hurtful action.

brooklyngirl18 · August 2014

Maelara said:

I'm sorry, ladies, but I think this whole 'give him space' advice is complete and utter crap. Yeah, he needs time to ADJUST but that doesn't mean him moving out. That's not the type of adjustment that is constructive. When does the women get 'space'? Never, she is always the one growing the baby, going to doctor appointments and making daily decisions that affect her and the baby. This baby was a surprise and we turned to each other and had adult conversations about this new baby. We both needed time to adjust, it took us both probably the whole first trimester, which is fine and healthy. If my husband tried pulling anything like this, we would be done. Permanently.
I know you want to keep your family together but you really need to think about how him moving out reflects upon him and how he will handle big life events in the future. You don't want a partner that will pull away. You want one who needs time to adjust, yes, but is there for you. No matter what.
I'm not saying any of this to be mean, rude or to try and hurt you. Nobody seems to be being realistic and that's what I'm trying to bring. I truly hope everything works out how you want it to and I'm here for any venting that is needed. I give great support here. I'm just tired of the 'give him space' comments. I truly feel they aren't constructive. Sorry ladies, I still love you!

i agree completely. i think he needs to be a man and step up or not. you didn't just get your BFP- you're in third trimester already! he's had plenty of time to get on board and i don't think a man's responsibility begins when the baby is born, it begins when you two make a baby. i don't want to sound judgemental and of course we don't know the whole story but i think it says a lot about his character. i think the 'give it time' excuse is exactly that, an excuse. i'm sorry you are going through this and it's totally unfair but you need to do what's best for you and your baby. good luck to you and i hope things get better for you.

jj0313 · August 2014

I hear you @Maelara‌ and my advice was meant to be hopeful but still move right along if he doesn't come around, stat. Id murder my husband if he pulled that crap but it's been a long time since either of us have been 23. I hope for the sake of OP and her budding family that he gets his shit together but if he doesn't do that right away, time to suck it up and move on.

clumsyatheart · August 2014

lovebuggies1 said:

Maelara said:

lovebuggies1 said:

@clumsyatheart while I do like beating up the male species here and there, I can't fully get behind this one. I just feel everyone deals with issues differently. I wanted to leave my SO plenty of times during each trimester, does that make me the immature bitch? Probably yes. I didn't want him to come to my appts at first because of our arguments. I just didn't want to deal. That's how I felt at that moment and as a human I'm allowed to have my moments of insanity. And after realizing I was being unreasonable and decided to talk about it, I became a better person. People can grow, you just have to give them a chance. I'm not one for giving all this "space" to her SO at all but what good does it do to tell someone to give up and move on. How will he ever know he needs to grow up if she doesn't talk about it to him?

Aw, sweetie! Is it creepy that i just want to sweep you up and give you a big ol' hug?!?! Your situation is different though! First, you're the one that is pregnant. Pregnant ladies are allowed to be insane second, you didn't move out or your SO didnt move out. To me, once that step has been taken there is no going back. They have closed the door and acted in a way that is just SO hurtful. I agree everyone has their moments of insanity and we are human and should be allowed those moments but he MOVED OUT. That goes beyond insanity and has now become and extremely hurtful action.

**********

;;) this I do agree with. It's definitely a hurtful action. Maybe I'm in my talk-all-your-problems-out phase lol. Therapy is great. I'll take my big creepy hug now lol.

ETA: I'm still in the talk it out camp. That way you can have closure. Whether you stay or not. But it is good you're open to all advice OP. Hope you stick around.

I totally get where you're coming from and i'm sorry you went through that

i agree with @maelara that you have an excuse. You also made an effort to talk about your feelings, and it seems like this guy didnt, which brings him to dick status in my book. Idk the couple, but leaving, moving out? That tells me it's done or on the way to being done. I hope he realizes what he's doing and everything turns out okay, it just told me he's being extremely hurtful and immature, as he could have made more of an effort, especially since they tried for this baby and he/she is also his responsibility.

I am a total asshole, but i feel like there's a certain point where the person who isn't preg (man, woman, non binary) needs to grow the fuck up and realize they are having a child and start thinking outside of themselves. They're not dealing with all of the physical and emotional preg issues plus fear of parenthood plus the thought of doing this alone because of an unsupportive partner. It is automatically assumed by society that if a man or partner leaves, the person who births the child will raise them, unless other issues are at play. I guess that's what makes me choose the preg person's side, but i could also just have 0 pity

i wasn't trying to say just leave though. That is her choice. If she's made that choice, i was trying to tell her that he isn't needed if she wants to walk away.

I am so sad when i see preg ladies going through problems like this.

sorry for my major man rage!

creativesoul83 · August 2014

I agree it is not fair that the man can get away but the woman can't it does suck but we are women and we are much stronger than men and can handle the babes. that's why we carry them. I am strongly about this if my dh tried moving out I would throw all his shit out the window go outside and pee on it!!! other awful things as well but he did a ceremony saying he would stay by me through every thing so I hold him to that.

however we don't know their whole story or how their relationship was before her bfp. Not only who knows he may be hurting now that he is not there and could be having an internal fight with himself an when that preciousness gets here and he doesn't fall head over feet in love with that LO she will have had time to see she can do it.

We truly only need the men to make these beautiful bundles. well anyways my point to this is let him have his space and she can figure out she can have support from those of us who will be there for her. this is a great group of awesome ladies!! I love you all

Maelara · August 2014

creativesoul83 said:

I agree it is not fair that the man can get away but the woman can't it does suck but we are women and we are much stronger than men and can handle the babes. that's why we carry them. I am strongly about this if my dh tried moving out I would throw all his shit out the window go outside and pee on it!!! other awful things as well but he did a ceremony saying he would stay by me through every thing so I hold him to that. however we don't know their whole story or how their relationship was before her bfp. Not only who knows he may be hurting now that he is not there and could be having an internal fight with himself an when that preciousness gets here and he doesn't fall head over feet in love with that LO she will have had time to see she can do it. We truly only need the men to make these beautiful bundles. well anyways my point to this is let him have his space and she can figure out she can have support from those of us who will be there for her. this is a great group of awesome ladies!! I love you all

Your first paragraph made me giggle

That said, we only know what the OP has decided to share with us. So Im going to give advice on that info. If she brings something else that is earth shattering to light, well, my advice would probably be the same. Arguing that we don't know their relationship or their background makes your advice mute too I'm all for therapy and talking it through, my DH and I have been to couples counciling twice. But moving out is a big relationship move. Actions speak louder than words.

Sunflowermommy33 · August 2014

I know firsthand how hurtful it is having a bd that has the luxury to choose to be in this childs life. Yes I am the one that physically left the house I lived in with him in a different state to come back to the northeast to be with my family. However he checked out as soon as I said we were pregnant. Never has he given me support or shared his joys or fears with me. And now I haven't heard from him in a month. The last time he called he cried and told me how he wanted to be involved in my daughter's life. Like I said I haven't heard from him in a month. Nothing. I feel for men it is so easy for them to just go on with their life as they want it and here we are experiencing mental and physical changes on a daily basis. I hate men right now. I don't know if I want to cry or be angry..

creativesoul83 · August 2014

@Maelara‌ I agree with your opinion. I do believe moving out is huge statement. My opinion is mute for many reasons actually mainly because I always do the leaving. I honestly don't think I could trust said person to come back if they left. I guess just trying to make her hold her head up high for herself and the little one.

**edited to add something sense so tired not making sense myself**

I am not trying to sound argumentative. I am just glad there are people who speak their minds y'all make me smile

we all need that dose of reality. y'all really helped me before realize i sounded like an entitled brat (I did) now I am in love with y'all

silverwings72 · August 2014

I am a firm believer in fighting for my family, however moving out on one's pregnant SO (after 8 years!) is the ultimate form of disrespect. No. Just no. This behavior reeks of selfishness and distrust. OP, I am so sorry you are going through this alone. Big hugs to you, Mama.

Maelara · August 2014

creativesoul83 said:

@Maelara‌ I agree with your opinion. I do believe moving out is huge statement. My opinion is mute for many reasons actually mainly because I always do the leaving. I honestly don't think I could trust said person to come back if they left. I guess just trying to make her hold her head up high for herself and the little one. **edited to add something sense so tired not making sense myself** I am not trying to sound argumentative. I am just glad there are people who speak their minds y'all make me smile we all need that dose of reality. y'all really helped me before realize i sounded like an entitled brat (I did) now I am in love with y'all

I love all my ladies here too

it's great to have different perspectives because the OP can see everything we type out and make a more educated choice. Good luck OP!

runningmama14 · August 2014

Eta- sorry. I just can't read about a moot point without thinking of that friends episode. It makes me giggle.

hjenni · August 2014

I have no advice. I think the other ladies have covered it on both sides. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through this, especially while pregnant. ((Hugs)) to you! >:D<

SharSharx · August 2014

You're all so amazing and to hear from so many points of view is really helping. What I can say is that in April he came to me and told me that he had slept with another woman and she was possibly pregnant with his child too. I felt like the whole world could've swallowed me and I wouldn't have minded! When he told me this it was all tears and begging for our family to stay together, the other woman was getting an abortion. When he told me I sort of felt numb, didn't really cry or feel anything which was weird. Few days went by and I did think well wow he's had the guts to tell me face to face but was still extremely hurt. I succumbed and gave it another chance... After he was straight down the clinic!! The honeymoon feeling was back.... For a whole month. And then this whole 'don't care' attitude was back. And now this... If anything I feel like a fool because it was him who begged for a second chance and for him now want to go back on what he said only a few months ago... Just confuses me even more than I already am!

Dimples0101 · August 2014

I agree with @lovebuggies1, you should let him go. Cheating and then moving out a few months later is completely unforgivable IMO. I'm not saying it will be easy, but you will be better off without someone treating you that way. You and your LO deserve so much better!

jj0313 · August 2014

Oh wait a second....new info alert. Fuck that shit. Count your blessings. Not worth you or your babies time.

absolutelymaybe · August 2014

I don't really have any great advice for you, but I wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this difficult time. Hugs.

smboswell1 · August 2014

Wow. Cheating changes my advice. I can't believe he did that! I think you should do what's best for you and LO and leave. You don't want him cheating again or coming in and out of y'all's life.

NunyaBennis · August 2014

Nooooope, nope, nope! Change those locks.
Vent here as needed, come for support and virtual hugs, but I would seek professional help as well. There's a lot going on in your life right now, serious shit going down!

NunyaBennis · August 2014

Dupe!

mockingjay1 · August 2014

I am really sorry you are going through this. I know 8 years is a long time, but that means you started dating at 15 right? People grow and change a lot from high school to their mid twenties. That is why most "high school sweethearts" don't stay together. It's rare that both people grow the same direction/continue to want the same things from life.

Your SO sounds very immature (cheating, leaving you), and for me personally cheating is not something I would forgive. i know a lot of people are all about "keeping the family together", but I want you to think about what kind of environment you want your LO to grow up in. What kind of examples do you want to set? SO doesn't sound like a quality man, so I would move on. I can't imagine how hard that is going to be if you choose to do so, but I think it would be best for you and your LO in the long run.

shan24 · August 2014

Oh no! I'm so sorry. My ex-husband cheated on me and had a child with another woman while we were married. I know what you're feeling (minus the stress of also being pregnant). I have some excellent online resources if you're interested. PM me anytime.

creativesoul83 · August 2014

I stand by give him all the space he wants by shoving him out of your life!!! as I was reading what had gone on I was like @-) then waiting to exhale popped in my mind as to what I would do with my dh stuff if he told me something like that. I have no time or compassion for that shit! oh you wait to tell me now ?? uh hell no!!! you cheat your gone. If you cant respect me enough not to cheat I dont want you! I want someone who is going to love mefor the aamazing person I am.

sweetie I am sorry you were put in such a situation. We are here for you >:D<

SharSharx · August 2014

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clumsyatheart · August 2014

Oh man, I've missed so much!

SharSharx said:

You're all so amazing and to hear from so many points of view is really helping. What I can say is that in April he came to me and told me that he had slept with another woman and she was possibly pregnant with his child too. I felt like the whole world could've swallowed me and I wouldn't have minded! When he told me this it was all tears and begging for our family to stay together, the other woman was getting an abortion. When he told me I sort of felt numb, didn't really cry or feel anything which was weird. Few days went by and I did think well wow he's had the guts to tell me face to face but was still extremely hurt. I succumbed and gave it another chance... After he was straight down the clinic!! The honeymoon feeling was back.... For a whole month. And then this whole 'don't care' attitude was back. And now this... If anything I feel like a fool because it was him who begged for a second chance and for him now want to go back on what he said only a few months ago... Just confuses me even more than I already am!

I'm going to be blunt here. FUCK THIS GUY. FUCK. THIS. GUY. He does not deserve your time, energy, or tears. You are a strong person, cut this piece of mold out of your life. I can say after experiencing a similar, but not as extreme situation, that it is so much better to be on your own than having to deal with this type of bullshittery. Dude is not a man. Not even close.You do not need this drama in your life, especially in your third trimester.

All my hugs. I cannot express how sorry I am.

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