It was just another chemical pregnancy.

BlueJell0 · August 2014

So no one seems to get why I am so devastated. I only knew I was pregnant for 4 days, and I knew things were dicey. The lines were faint, my betas were low. I have been down this road before. So why haven't I shaken it off by now? My H actually said, "It's almost like you lost a child." Um, almost? WTF?

This is the third one I have lost, and they never make it long enough to see anything on ultrasound. My uterus kills them immediately. And people act like that's supposed to make it easier.

By now it just feels hopeless. I don't even want to try again because I know how it will end. And I will have to grieve it alone because, by clinical and social standards, I was never even really 'pregnant'. I have looked into current research on recurrent miscarriage, and no one is looking at chemical pregnancies. (Ultrasound) pics or it didn't happen. Because no big deal, right? When it happens to you three times in ten months and you have no living children it starts to become a really big deal.

purduepat2004 · August 2014

I'm so sorry. Thoughts and prayers are with you!

matiekae · August 2014

You are not alone. I'm terribly sorry you are going through this, and feel even worse that you don't feel you have anyone else who cares. I hope you find the support you are looking for here.

daystardreams · August 2014

It IS a big deal, you have lost a child. Your doctor isn't concerned? I don't know because I've only had one miscarriage but I feel like your doctor should be concerned and if your doctor isn't, maybe you need a new doctor that is?

I'm so sorry that you are feeling unsupported.

nocompass · August 2014

I'm so so sorry. Sending you love & hugs.

ctk181 · August 2014

I'm so sorry for your losses and sorry that you feel like no one understands. Losing a baby at any point in a pregnancy is awful and devastating. Sending t&p your way.

BlueJell0 · August 2014

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words. It means a lot to me. I do have an appointment with my doctor in a couple of weeks and I am going to ask for repeat loss testing. We talked about it after my second loss, and she ran a couple of tests, didn't find anything, and put me on baby aspirin and progesterone. I am just not hopeful that we will find anything we can treat or things will be any different next time.

I also made an appointment with a grief counselor, but she can't see me until Sept 6th. Again, I really appreciate you all for your support!

meredithcarole · August 2014

You had a positive pregnancy test therefore you were pregnant and you did loose a baby. I never saw my LO on an ultrasound either, but I still grieve. It is hard for husbands to "get it" because it was just a concept to them, but it was part of you. You are not alone. I am very sorry for your loss and that you are having such a hard time right now.

kerbear135 · August 2014

Both of mine have been labeled as chemical pregnancies (although I disagree on the first, but that's a long story) so I can absolutely relate. Don't let anyone discount your loss, you have just as much right as any other mother to grieve your loss. I am so sorry you are having to deal with all this, I hope your doctor can help you get some answers.

pattele · August 2014

I'm so sorry! I have now had 2. People can call it what they want, the minute you see a positive pregnancy, you have an attachment. The ideas start to consume you and you are a mother, regardless of how long the pregnancy lasts. I'm sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you.

thiscoffeechick · August 2014

I agree with all the other posters. Yours were devastating losses and no easier because of a label someone gave them.
I'm sorry you feel alone but you are not. We are all with you in your despair and sending love and keeping faith that you will heal.

Mandafly84 · August 2014

Sister, you are so.not.alone. *hugs*

stephy1221 · August 2014

I am so , so sorry. big hugs.

SomedayInMyArms · September 2014

I'm so sorry for your loss! I had 3 miscarriages that happened between 4-5 weeks and they never made it far enough for me to see anything on an ultrasound. My last miscarriage (#4) made it far enough for us to see the sac and then I lost the baby the next day. My pain and grief was not greater for any one of my losses. I felt grief for each loss no matter the length I carried the baby. I understand how you are feeling and how you are scared to try again. After all of my losses I was so confused. I felt like I was getting myself pregnant just to miscarry. That feeling hasn't completely gone away, but the desire for a child is greater in me. I hope that you can find answers with your doctor and hopefully understand why you have had your losses. Again I want to tell you I am sorry for your losses. Please do not let anyone make you think that they are insignificant or do not matter because of the length you carried the baby. A child is a child and does not matter how long you carried the it.

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