Mil issues

blushingbride_08 · August 2014

Dh, my ds and dd went to a family reunion with my inlaws. My mil asked to hold my newborn dd. she is 2 weeks old. I felt ok with it since she understood to sanitize her hands before holding her etc, etc. I was not comfortable with anyone else holding her. anyway she ended up passing the baby to her sister and some other lady. I really didn't want my baby being passed around since she's so young but I didn't want to seem uptight. I ended going get my dd since my mil had went to socialize with other family members and left the baby. Later she said she would watch my ds (2yrs old) while I was in the restroom. My ds needs to be watched like a hawk. He will run away if you don't keep an eye on him or break things and is into tantrums. Well I go outside where my family was gathered and my ds is nowhere to be found. My mil was busy taking pics of the family and didn't even hear me when I asked where he was. I panicked. My fil looked around then said oh he's with his cousin. Apparently while my mil was not paying attention to him, he ran off and my cousin got him. So my issue is should I say anything to my mil about passing around my newborn around since I gave her to her only. And should I say something about her not keeping an eye on my ds when she offered to watch him? I know they are my responsibility but I'm trying to let my Los be around my mil more often since she thinks I'm overprotective and complains that she doesn't get to spend time with them. but she has made me lose my faith that she is capable of watching them.

blushingbride_08 · August 2014

diapersnwipes said:

I wouldn't say anything after the fact. Did she know you didn't want the baby passed around? Sometimes grandmas are just proud and want to show their grand babies off.

I didn't tell her. I can understand her being proud but I didn't expect her to pass her to someone else and walk away.

blushingbride_08 · August 2014

feffany said:

I would let it go right now and simply not let her be responsible for them in the future. What does your H say about his mom's behavior?

Dh feels bad bc he's realized that we can't expect her to really watch our Los aka not a viable babysitter option right now. He's even offered to say something to his mom about what happened tonight. He was just as nervous as me when we couldn't find ds.

Andrewsgal · August 2014

You are way over reacting. Let it go. How was she suposed to know you didn't want the baby passed around? As for the two year old he was fine, no harm done.

lexusolsen · August 2014

blushingbride_08 said:

feffany said:

I would let it go right now and simply not let her be responsible for them in the future. What does your H say about his mom's behavior?

Dh feels bad bc he's realized that we can't expect her to really watch our Los aka not a viable babysitter option right now. He's even offered to say something to his mom about what happened tonight. He was just as nervous as me when we couldn't find ds.

I wouldn't say anything. You missed your window. I think you need to make your expectations with the newborn more clear and not trust her alone if it makes you more comfortable.

Ilumine · August 2014

Kimbus22 said:

Andrewsgal said:

You are way over reacting. Let it go. How was she suposed to know you didn't want the baby passed around? As for the two year old he was fine, no harm done.

This. If you passed the newborn to one person to be held and didn't tell them no one else was allowed, why would they assume it? And you freely admit that your 2 year old needs close supervision AND that your MIL is easily distracted. So that's on you too.

My MIL sounds very similar. But I know that so I don't leave her alone with my kids. I can't expect her to just change and be more careful and attentive. I don't give a crap if she thinks I'm overprotective. They're my kids.

I agree with the first part. Mind reading is not a human talent yet.

But I totally disagree with this second sentiment. All 2 year olds are need close supervision and while you may or may not know if someone is easily distracted or not, being able to expect another adult to contain themselves for 5-10 minutes to watch a child is not THAT MUCH OF A STRETCH in the expectation department. I mean common, she stopped watching her grandson to TAKE PICTURES OF PEOPLE. That goes beyond easily distracted to lack of common sense and good decision making.

I would most definitely address the second incident immediately. That way, when Granny starts to whine about not being able to have unsupervised time with the kids, she is not shocked as to why? Because when one does not address something in the moment, it almost becomes a tacit agreement/ok with whatever the action is.

My MIL is not allowed to be alone with my DD. She starts drinking at 10am. The first time I actually saw it was a time when I was going to be leaving DD with MIL for a couple of hours. I immediately changed my plans and had DH deal with MIL (though I was perfectly willing to take care of it myself if need be). And she was told then and there, that we would not be using her for any type of day care given she did not have the common sense to NOT drink to begin with. That waiting for us to say something about it was not an excuse.

And while one seems to be worse than the other (alcohol and all that), underneath it all, it is not. Family reunions ARE chaotic. If no one is specifically watching a child than many will assume that someone else "has him". And off he wanders.

Andrewsgal · August 2014

Ilumine said:

Kimbus22 said:

Andrewsgal said:

You are way over reacting. Let it go. How was she suposed to know you didn't want the baby passed around? As for the two year old he was fine, no harm done.

This. If you passed the newborn to one person to be held and didn't tell them no one else was allowed, why would they assume it? And you freely admit that your 2 year old needs close supervision AND that your MIL is easily distracted. So that's on you too.

My MIL sounds very similar. But I know that so I don't leave her alone with my kids. I can't expect her to just change and be more careful and attentive. I don't give a crap if she thinks I'm overprotective. They're my kids.

I agree with the first part. Mind reading is not a human talent yet.

But I totally disagree with this second sentiment. All 2 year olds are need close supervision and while you may or may not know if someone is easily distracted or not, being able to expect another adult to contain themselves for 5-10 minutes to watch a child is not THAT MUCH OF A STRETCH in the expectation department. I mean common, she stopped watching her grandson to TAKE PICTURES OF PEOPLE. That goes beyond easily distracted to lack of common sense and good decision making.

I would most definitely address the second incident immediately. That way, when Granny starts to whine about not being able to have unsupervised time with the kids, she is not shocked as to why? Because when one does not address something in the moment, it almost becomes a tacit agreement/ok with whatever the action is.

My MIL is not allowed to be alone with my DD. She starts drinking at 10am. The first time I actually saw it was a time when I was going to be leaving DD with MIL for a couple of hours. I immediately changed my plans and had DH deal with MIL (though I was perfectly willing to take care of it myself if need be). And she was told then and there, that we would not be using her for any type of day care given she did not have the common sense to NOT drink to begin with. That waiting for us to say something about it was not an excuse.

And while one seems to be worse than the other (alcohol and all that), underneath it all, it is not. Family reunions ARE chaotic. If no one is specifically watching a child than many will assume that someone else "has him". And off he wanders.

Is this a fucking joke? Not watching a two year old for the spilt second it takes to snap a photo is I a totally different universe than watching a child drunk. You and the OP are way over reacting. And FWIW my two year olds did not need to be watched every second every child is different.

Beth.1212 · August 2014

Andrewsgal said:

Ilumine said:

Kimbus22 said:

Andrewsgal said:

You are way over reacting. Let it go. How was she suposed to know you didn't want the baby passed around? As for the two year old he was fine, no harm done.

This. If you passed the newborn to one person to be held and didn't tell them no one else was allowed, why would they assume it? And you freely admit that your 2 year old needs close supervision AND that your MIL is easily distracted. So that's on you too.

My MIL sounds very similar. But I know that so I don't leave her alone with my kids. I can't expect her to just change and be more careful and attentive. I don't give a crap if she thinks I'm overprotective. They're my kids.

I agree with the first part. Mind reading is not a human talent yet.

But I totally disagree with this second sentiment. All 2 year olds are need close supervision and while you may or may not know if someone is easily distracted or not, being able to expect another adult to contain themselves for 5-10 minutes to watch a child is not THAT MUCH OF A STRETCH in the expectation department. I mean common, she stopped watching her grandson to TAKE PICTURES OF PEOPLE. That goes beyond easily distracted to lack of common sense and good decision making.

I would most definitely address the second incident immediately. That way, when Granny starts to whine about not being able to have unsupervised time with the kids, she is not shocked as to why? Because when one does not address something in the moment, it almost becomes a tacit agreement/ok with whatever the action is.

My MIL is not allowed to be alone with my DD. She starts drinking at 10am. The first time I actually saw it was a time when I was going to be leaving DD with MIL for a couple of hours. I immediately changed my plans and had DH deal with MIL (though I was perfectly willing to take care of it myself if need be). And she was told then and there, that we would not be using her for any type of day care given she did not have the common sense to NOT drink to begin with. That waiting for us to say something about it was not an excuse.

And while one seems to be worse than the other (alcohol and all that), underneath it all, it is not. Family reunions ARE chaotic. If no one is specifically watching a child than many will assume that someone else "has him". And off he wanders.

Is this a fucking joke? Not watching a two year old for the spilt second it takes to snap a photo is I a totally different universe than watching a child drunk. You and the OP are way over reacting. And FWIW my two year olds did not need to be watched every second every child is different.

I don't think it's a joke, and I don't think that these posters are over reacting. The MIL was responsible for the well being of the child. She didn't even know where the child was. A 2 year old can get into a lot of trouble very quickly. The OP stated that her child needed to be carefully watched. If the MIL wants to watch the LOs, she needs to know their personalities and know to watch him carefully. She failed abysmally. The kid could have walked out into traffic for all she knew. Thank god the cousin was more on the ball and picked up the slack.

Andrewsgal · August 2014

Holy Hell posts like this just make me hope,I have reasonable daughter in laws some day. @Beth.1212 the joke was comparing not watching a child for 30 seconds and drinking while watching a child. You guys must have ver odd families. It is known among my family and friends that you keep an eye out for all kids no one really needs to be assigned. I very seriously doubt OP watches her two year old 24-7.

LoveBeingMama · August 2014

I think in a case like this, you either say something in the moment, or learn from it and move on.

lexusolsen · August 2014

feffany said:

blushingbride_08 said:

feffany said:

I would let it go right now and simply not let her be responsible for them in the future. What does your H say about his mom's behavior?

Dh feels bad bc he's realized that we can't expect her to really watch our Los aka not a viable babysitter option right now. He's even offered to say something to his mom about what happened tonight. He was just as nervous as me when we couldn't find ds.

Okay, so you agree that she's not watching the kids in the future. It's a shame, but that is the situation. Stirring things up now will only cause problems.

My mom is not allowed to be alone with DD. I don't know if she ever will be. You know what I didn't do? Tell her she's not allowed. Can you imagine how rude and nasty that would be? You'd have to have some nerve to come out with a you-are-no-longer-worthy speech, especially after the fact, and especially since nothing even happened.

I agree! I know it's awkward to navigate around but if you don't trust her with the kids there are ways to politely do it. My grandmother has Alzheimer's but she refuses to admit it. She is constantly offering to watch dd and my nephew. We avoid making plans for my parents to watch them (she lives with them) or talking about sitters/ daycare around her. My other grandparents used to watch dd but have proven to be reckless drivers recently. I would have been fine with them staying at their home to watch her except they went out and bought a car seat. I just don't ask. When either party offers I just thank them for the offer and tell them we will let them know if we need their help.

littlemermaid · August 2014

Your MIL's personality is not new to you. You know what she's like. When she was holding the baby if you didn't want other people holding her then you should of tagged along with MIL and made sure she didn't pass the baby around. As for your 2 year old, if you didn't trust her to "watch him like a hawk" then you should of had your husband keep an eye on his own child. I wouldn't base this one incident on how she would be watching him in your own home. It was a family reunion with a lot of people she probably hadn't seen in a while.

jensriot · August 2014

I agree that you are over reacting. And I'm with AG. Lord, please give me a decent DIL.

spring_time · August 2014

My dad frequently "loses" DS when we are at events with lots of people, especially church social hour. I am fairly confident someone at the church will prevent him from getting hurt, so it doesn't bother me. Plus, I am still around. If it is an event I don't know the other people at, I just don't ask him to keep an eye on my kids. None of this is any indication of how he takes care of DS when he is babysitting. He is a very attentive caretaker. Don't write off your MIL yet.

spring_time · August 2014

Also, I call BS on even you being able to be constantly vigilant of your DS. If it hasn't happened yet you will most certainly lose track of one of your kids at some point. Just today, DS ran outside while I was pulling DD from under a table. It was a split second and someone else grabbed him. At events like your reunion, learn to embrace the "village" Your MIL lost track, but somebody else jumped in. This is good. If you hold your kids too close to you, others will not be so willing to help because they either think you've got it all under control (which you won't) or they will be afraid of overstepping bounds. I am not saying you should let them run free without supervision, but find a happy medium. No harm was done, so give your MIL a second chance at a place with less distraction.

jlpev · August 2014

I wouldn't bring up the baby thing unless that situation comes up again then I would explain my expectations.
However for the 2 yr old situation, I think your mil failed miserably! Hold his hand while taking the pic but don't let him roam unsupervised.
But I do think you missed the opportunity to make a point. But do whatever you feel is best.
I've been there with my own mother. My family thinks I'm a control freak & I don't care anymore!!! They are my kids. Its just a shame we can't trust someone to watch our kids just long enough to pee.
Also where was your dh?

outnumbered · August 2014

Kimbus22 said:

jlpev said:

I wouldn't bring up the baby thing unless that situation comes up again then I would explain my expectations. However for the 2 yr old situation, I think your mil failed miserably! Hold his hand while taking the pic but don't let him roam unsupervised. But I do think you missed the opportunity to make a point. But do whatever you feel is best. I've been there with my own mother. My family thinks I'm a control freak & I don't care anymore!!! They are my kids. Its just a shame we can't trust someone to watch our kids just long enough to pee. Also where was your dh?

Really? They were at a family party, not an airport. If I tried to hold my kid's hand at a party, he'd go ape shit. They were not at a biker rally. The kid was not in horrible danger surrounded by adults who love him.

Crap last time we had a family gathering I was outside chatting and I'd stick my head in the house every 20 minutes to check on Joey. My cousin's 6 year old was in charge of him. She does a better job keeping him out of trouble than I do.

I agree with Kimbus. There was somebody watching the 2 year old, the cousin. He was taken care of. Maybe MIL said 'hey Cuz could you watch the kid while I snap a pic'. He was not roaming free, he was at a family party where people were watching out for him. At our family parties we watch out for all the kids.

spring_time · August 2014

Does this have something to do with the fact that it is your IL's family? I know my DH freaks out when I let our kids roam free at church or at family events. It is because he is not used to the family dynamic, doesn't want the kids to be a nuisance, and isn't as comfortable with everyone as I am. Would you be this upset if something similar happened at an event for your family?

LoveBeingMama · August 2014

I don't know, I think it's really easy for some of us to say, "Well I let MY child run loose at parties and it's fine because adults will pitch in and help watch all the kids," but I don't think that's logical in all situations. I let my two year old run somewhat freely at friends' parties, family parties, concerts in the park, playgrounds, etc. But at the house with family that had an inground pool in back? Nope, not taking a chance that some other adult (all who love him dearly) would be watching him. A family party at a banquet hall in which two other big parties are taking place? I'm watching him more closely. My cousin's 5 year old has been known to write on walls, dig through people's medicine cabinets, shove smaller kids, etc at parties, but she still thinks she can let him run freely at parties when truthfully, she should be watching him a little more closely and not be putting that burden on us. I'm happy to help other kids at parties, but I'm not taking responsibility of keeping an eye on any child but my own.

I think the point of this thread is, she knows her particular child needs close monitoring at these events. She knew/now knows her MIL doesn't always provide that type of supervision. She has the right to be angry that MIL specifically said she would watch him for 5 minutes and then didn't know where he was. But, to say something now after the fact, and when nothing dangerous happened, would be awkward and pointless. Learn from it and let it help make different decisions next time. Or say something in the moment. Not days later.

Ilumine · August 2014

Andrewsgal said:

Ilumine said:

Kimbus22 said:

Andrewsgal said:

You are way over reacting. Let it go. How was she suposed to know you didn't want the baby passed around? As for the two year old he was fine, no harm done.

This. If you passed the newborn to one person to be held and didn't tell them no one else was allowed, why would they assume it? And you freely admit that your 2 year old needs close supervision AND that your MIL is easily distracted. So that's on you too.

My MIL sounds very similar. But I know that so I don't leave her alone with my kids. I can't expect her to just change and be more careful and attentive. I don't give a crap if she thinks I'm overprotective. They're my kids.

I agree with the first part. Mind reading is not a human talent yet.

But I totally disagree with this second sentiment. All 2 year olds are need close supervision and while you may or may not know if someone is easily distracted or not, being able to expect another adult to contain themselves for 5-10 minutes to watch a child is not THAT MUCH OF A STRETCH in the expectation department. I mean common, she stopped watching her grandson to TAKE PICTURES OF PEOPLE. That goes beyond easily distracted to lack of common sense and good decision making.

I would most definitely address the second incident immediately. That way, when Granny starts to whine about not being able to have unsupervised time with the kids, she is not shocked as to why? Because when one does not address something in the moment, it almost becomes a tacit agreement/ok with whatever the action is.

My MIL is not allowed to be alone with my DD. She starts drinking at 10am. The first time I actually saw it was a time when I was going to be leaving DD with MIL for a couple of hours. I immediately changed my plans and had DH deal with MIL (though I was perfectly willing to take care of it myself if need be). And she was told then and there, that we would not be using her for any type of day care given she did not have the common sense to NOT drink to begin with. That waiting for us to say something about it was not an excuse.

And while one seems to be worse than the other (alcohol and all that), underneath it all, it is not. Family reunions ARE chaotic. If no one is specifically watching a child than many will assume that someone else "has him". And off he wanders.

Is this a fucking joke? Not watching a two year old for the spilt second it takes to snap a photo is I a totally different universe than watching a child drunk. You and the OP are way over reacting. And FWIW my two year olds did not need to be watched every second every child is different.

Frist, I did say that one was worse than another. But I want you to think of every accidental death of a toddler. The stock response is always "I took my off of him for a second".

Well, when it is not YOUR kid and you do not know how the child is going to act or react to situations, then it behooves you to be extra vigilant.

And remember something DID HAPPEN. NO ONE KNEW WHERE THIS CHILD WAS WHEN THE OP RETURNED.

Are you honestly telling me @Andrewsgal, that if your MIL or your child's teacher lost your child in a crowd that you would honestly be "eh..it was just a picture?"

Ilumine · August 2014

Andrewsgal said:

Holy Hell posts like this just make me hope,I have reasonable daughter in laws some day. @Beth.1212 the joke was comparing not watching a child for 30 seconds and drinking while watching a child. You guys must have ver odd families. It is known among my family and friends that you keep an eye out for all kids no one really needs to be assigned. I very seriously doubt OP watches her two year old 24-7.

Since this is pointed at me, I will respond.

First, not all families are "It takes a Village". That does not mean that the family is wrong or odd. That means that they are different. Second, even if you DO have a "Village Family", accidents can happen. People can and do assume that someone else is watching.

Hell, in the OPs case, a number of the people who you think were just magically supposed to know that they were to be watching the child were getting their pictures taken. So your theory that you can just throw a child out into a group and all will be hunky dory doesn't hold that much weight.

jensriot · August 2014

Ilumine said:

Andrewsgal said:

Holy Hell posts like this just make me hope,I have reasonable daughter in laws some day. @Beth.1212 the joke was comparing not watching a child for 30 seconds and drinking while watching a child. You guys must have ver odd families. It is known among my family and friends that you keep an eye out for all kids no one really needs to be assigned. I very seriously doubt OP watches her two year old 24-7.

Since this is pointed at me, I will respond.

First, not all families are "It takes a Village". That does not mean that the family is wrong or odd. That means that they are different. Second, even if you DO have a "Village Family", accidents can happen. People can and do assume that someone else is watching.

Hell, in the OPs case, a number of the people who you think were just magically supposed to know that they were to be watching the child were getting their pictures taken. So your theory that you can just throw a child out into a group and all will be hunky dory doesn't hold that much weight.

The assumptions and fear mongering in your posts on this are a bit ridiculous. I'd like to hear from OP about the dangers surrounding this party. Was there a pool? Was it at a location where he could actually escape? Etc.

jlpev · August 2014

Every family & situation is different. I think this momma should go with her gut feeling. Good luck!!

spring_time · August 2014

Ilumine said:

Andrewsgal said:

Ilumine said:

Kimbus22 said:

Andrewsgal said:

You are way over reacting. Let it go. How was she suposed to know you didn't want the baby passed around? As for the two year old he was fine, no harm done.

This. If you passed the newborn to one person to be held and didn't tell them no one else was allowed, why would they assume it? And you freely admit that your 2 year old needs close supervision AND that your MIL is easily distracted. So that's on you too.

My MIL sounds very similar. But I know that so I don't leave her alone with my kids. I can't expect her to just change and be more careful and attentive. I don't give a crap if she thinks I'm overprotective. They're my kids.

I agree with the first part. Mind reading is not a human talent yet.

But I totally disagree with this second sentiment. All 2 year olds are need close supervision and while you may or may not know if someone is easily distracted or not, being able to expect another adult to contain themselves for 5-10 minutes to watch a child is not THAT MUCH OF A STRETCH in the expectation department. I mean common, she stopped watching her grandson to TAKE PICTURES OF PEOPLE. That goes beyond easily distracted to lack of common sense and good decision making.

I would most definitely address the second incident immediately. That way, when Granny starts to whine about not being able to have unsupervised time with the kids, she is not shocked as to why? Because when one does not address something in the moment, it almost becomes a tacit agreement/ok with whatever the action is.

My MIL is not allowed to be alone with my DD. She starts drinking at 10am. The first time I actually saw it was a time when I was going to be leaving DD with MIL for a couple of hours. I immediately changed my plans and had DH deal with MIL (though I was perfectly willing to take care of it myself if need be). And she was told then and there, that we would not be using her for any type of day care given she did not have the common sense to NOT drink to begin with. That waiting for us to say something about it was not an excuse.

And while one seems to be worse than the other (alcohol and all that), underneath it all, it is not. Family reunions ARE chaotic. If no one is specifically watching a child than many will assume that someone else "has him". And off he wanders.

Is this a fucking joke? Not watching a two year old for the spilt second it takes to snap a photo is I a totally different universe than watching a child drunk. You and the OP are way over reacting. And FWIW my two year olds did not need to be watched every second every child is different.

Frist, I did say that one was worse than another. But I want you to think of every accidental death of a toddler. The stock response is always "I took my off of him for a second".

Well, when it is not YOUR kid and you do not know how the child is going to act or react to situations, then it behooves you to be extra vigilant.

And remember something DID HAPPEN. NO ONE KNEW WHERE THIS CHILD WAS WHEN THE OP RETURNED.

Are you honestly telling me @Andrewsgal, that if your MIL or your child's teacher lost your child in a crowd that you would honestly be "eh..it was just a picture?"

Somebody did know where the child was. The cousin had the kid. It also wasn't a random crowd. It was a family reunion. Save the panic for when the kid actually gets lost.

I know it is also probably shocking to know, but teachers do not always know where your child is at all times. We would go on field trips with 100 students, 4 teachers, and several volunteers. Unless I had seen the kid within the last 30 seconds, I could not tell you where one individual child was at any point. I could tell you their group, but that was about it.

Kids get misplaced. My cousin's son got lost at Disneyworld. He was with both his parents, his grandparents, his aunt and uncle, and two older cousins. They were all watching him, but they stopped to discuss their next destination. Even with his parents standing right next to him, he wandered. It took half an hour, Disney employees and several bystanders to find him, but he was found. Whose fault was that? It took a second.

Heck, I was in the play area at the mall, judging the parents who were playing on their phones and not watching their kids, and helping DD walk when I looked up and saw that DS was gone. He was right there...and he was gone. Those kind parents, who I had just been judging, fanned out through the mall to find him.

The point is that even the OP could get distracted and the exact same scenario would play out. There was never any mention of a pool, an open body of water, or a busy street. I am sure opinions would have been different if that information was provided. People get distracted, kids wander, and telling the grandparent that they cannot watch the child is overreacting.

spring_time · August 2014

Also, nobody is saying to just throw them out into a group unsupervised. We are just saying that the reaction of not allowing the grandparent to watch the kid because of one incident, that could easily happen to anyone, is an overreaction.

Andrewsgal · August 2014

Ilumine said:

Andrewsgal said:

Ilumine said:

Kimbus22 said:

Andrewsgal said:

You are way over reacting. Let it go. How was she suposed to know you didn't want the baby passed around? As for the two year old he was fine, no harm done.

This. If you passed the newborn to one person to be held and didn't tell them no one else was allowed, why would they assume it? And you freely admit that your 2 year old needs close supervision AND that your MIL is easily distracted. So that's on you too.

My MIL sounds very similar. But I know that so I don't leave her alone with my kids. I can't expect her to just change and be more careful and attentive. I don't give a crap if she thinks I'm overprotective. They're my kids.

I agree with the first part. Mind reading is not a human talent yet.

But I totally disagree with this second sentiment. All 2 year olds are need close supervision and while you may or may not know if someone is easily distracted or not, being able to expect another adult to contain themselves for 5-10 minutes to watch a child is not THAT MUCH OF A STRETCH in the expectation department. I mean common, she stopped watching her grandson to TAKE PICTURES OF PEOPLE. That goes beyond easily distracted to lack of common sense and good decision making.

I would most definitely address the second incident immediately. That way, when Granny starts to whine about not being able to have unsupervised time with the kids, she is not shocked as to why? Because when one does not address something in the moment, it almost becomes a tacit agreement/ok with whatever the action is.

My MIL is not allowed to be alone with my DD. She starts drinking at 10am. The first time I actually saw it was a time when I was going to be leaving DD with MIL for a couple of hours. I immediately changed my plans and had DH deal with MIL (though I was perfectly willing to take care of it myself if need be). And she was told then and there, that we would not be using her for any type of day care given she did not have the common sense to NOT drink to begin with. That waiting for us to say something about it was not an excuse.

And while one seems to be worse than the other (alcohol and all that), underneath it all, it is not. Family reunions ARE chaotic. If no one is specifically watching a child than many will assume that someone else "has him". And off he wanders.

Is this a fucking joke? Not watching a two year old for the spilt second it takes to snap a photo is I a totally different universe than watching a child drunk. You and the OP are way over reacting. And FWIW my two year olds did not need to be watched every second every child is different.

Frist, I did say that one was worse than another. But I want you to think of every accidental death of a toddler. The stock response is always "I took my off of him for a second".

Well, when it is not YOUR kid and you do not know how the child is going to act or react to situations, then it behooves you to be extra vigilant.

And remember something DID HAPPEN. NO ONE KNEW WHERE THIS CHILD WAS WHEN THE OP RETURNED.

Are you honestly telling me @Andrewsgal, that if your MIL or your child's teacher lost your child in a crowd that you would honestly be "eh..it was just a picture?"

Since you seem to like all caps READING FAIL. Someone did know where the child was. Your posts are always so over the top I just can't.

Andrewsgal · August 2014

Ilumine said:

Andrewsgal said:

Ilumine said:

Kimbus22 said:

Andrewsgal said:

You are way over reacting. Let it go. How was she suposed to know you didn't want the baby passed around? As for the two year old he was fine, no harm done.

This. If you passed the newborn to one person to be held and didn't tell them no one else was allowed, why would they assume it? And you freely admit that your 2 year old needs close supervision AND that your MIL is easily distracted. So that's on you too.

My MIL sounds very similar. But I know that so I don't leave her alone with my kids. I can't expect her to just change and be more careful and attentive. I don't give a crap if she thinks I'm overprotective. They're my kids.

I agree with the first part. Mind reading is not a human talent yet.

But I totally disagree with this second sentiment. All 2 year olds are need close supervision and while you may or may not know if someone is easily distracted or not, being able to expect another adult to contain themselves for 5-10 minutes to watch a child is not THAT MUCH OF A STRETCH in the expectation department. I mean common, she stopped watching her grandson to TAKE PICTURES OF PEOPLE. That goes beyond easily distracted to lack of common sense and good decision making.

I would most definitely address the second incident immediately. That way, when Granny starts to whine about not being able to have unsupervised time with the kids, she is not shocked as to why? Because when one does not address something in the moment, it almost becomes a tacit agreement/ok with whatever the action is.

My MIL is not allowed to be alone with my DD. She starts drinking at 10am. The first time I actually saw it was a time when I was going to be leaving DD with MIL for a couple of hours. I immediately changed my plans and had DH deal with MIL (though I was perfectly willing to take care of it myself if need be). And she was told then and there, that we would not be using her for any type of day care given she did not have the common sense to NOT drink to begin with. That waiting for us to say something about it was not an excuse.

And while one seems to be worse than the other (alcohol and all that), underneath it all, it is not. Family reunions ARE chaotic. If no one is specifically watching a child than many will assume that someone else "has him". And off he wanders.

Is this a fucking joke? Not watching a two year old for the spilt second it takes to snap a photo is I a totally different universe than watching a child drunk. You and the OP are way over reacting. And FWIW my two year olds did not need to be watched every second every child is different.

Frist, I did say that one was worse than another. But I want you to think of every accidental death of a toddler. The stock response is always "I took my off of him for a second".

Well, when it is not YOUR kid and you do not know how the child is going to act or react to situations, then it behooves you to be extra vigilant.

And remember something DID HAPPEN. NO ONE KNEW WHERE THIS CHILD WAS WHEN THE OP RETURNED.

Are you honestly telling me @Andrewsgal, that if your MIL or your child's teacher lost your child in a crowd that you would honestly be "eh..it was just a picture?"

Plusalso I have a five and seven year old I have actually lost them before. Clutch your pearls. I don't expect even teachers to know where she is 24-7 because I live in what I like to call the real world.

jensriot · August 2014

I lost my kid at CVS once, which is a bit more dangerous than a family get together. I guess I shouldn't be allowed to watch them anymore. Like Spring_time said, it can happen to anyone. Don't vilify your MIL for one, really not dangerous, move. If she has a history of being reckless (which this wasn't) then don't let her watch the kids. A little understanding could go a long way here.

Andrewsgal · August 2014

jlpev said:

Every family & situation is different. I think this momma should go with her gut feeling. Good luck!!

Gut feelings when it comes to inlaws are wrong a lot.

lexusolsen · August 2014

Andrewsgal said:

jlpev said:

Every family & situation is different. I think this momma should go with her gut feeling. Good luck!!

Gut feelings when it comes to inlaws are wrong a lot.

I get what you are saying. I think in this instance there is a lot of information we don't know. We don't know where the party was, where her dh was, what other dangers (pool, street, etc) there were or what the pp's history is with MIL.

I know that the homes where dh's family and my family often gather there are ungated pools. We spend the whole time alternating hovering since dd can't swim.

Op, I think if you have specific wishes for your children then you should have kept an eye on them yourself. Next time find dh or take the two year old with you to the bathroom. I wouldn't take an infant that small to a big event without wearing him/her or being ok with the baby being passed.

MesmrEwe · August 2014

I'm in club "you're overreacting" but I'm also - "it's 2w PP hormones - this is a big deal to you right now, take a deep breath and leave this one be, store it in the back of your mind, but don't let this dictate the final outcome of your MIL watching your kids..."...

DS was out of the PICU/hospital for less than 3 hours before he went to the IL's for Christmas and was passed around from person to person (with a skull fracture no less!). If he was going to get it, he was going to get it, and trust us he was being watched like a hawk until my eyes landed me out like a light for the first time in a week. Those little ones are tougher than we give them credit for being. If you didn't want LO passed around then you or YH needed to be there to take them when they were finished. As for the 2yo situation, that's what YH is for if you don't trust anyone else at the party. I get that taking a 2yo to the bathroom with you 2wPP isn't the ideal situation, but that's when you hunt YH down and say "GOTTA PEE!" and hand him off because he's not a babysitter, he's the Dad - treat him like it!

Heck, the one time I had to have DH intervene (because this one is "blood talks to blood" to handle situations that present themselves to reduce the chances of long-term conflict)... DD was over at MIL's and she'd walk down the middle of the road with DD in the stroller oblivious to vehicles traveling a moderately well driven road... Remind yourself your MIL watched YH for many years and he turned out fine. Be careful what you wish for - my MIL won't watch DD much at all anymore since FIL passed and flat out refuses to watch DS, sure would be nice once in a blue moon to have her supervise the kids (DD can handle it if DS needs a diaper) so DH & I could go out on a date...

fintin · August 2014

You are hormonal and this will all feel dumb in about 3 weeks. If you want your kids watched like a hawk do it yourself. Or have your husband watch him, but from your lack of answering where he was at I assume he didn't help much at all during this reunion. Maybe you should be more pissed about that. Just saying.

blushingbride_08 · August 2014

Just to clarify, I was fine with my mil holding my newborn. Yes it was a family reunion but it was my inlaws from out of town. I hadn't met these ppl before so I wasn't expecting anyone else to ask to hold her. I considered them strangers. They didn't even sit with us. We were off at a table alone. My mil hadn't seen them in a long time so maybe she was just proud and showing her off. Regardless I should have told her not to pass her around. She was comfortable with these ppl. I was not. This wasn't a big deal to me but the issue with my 2 yr old was. Again these were ppl I didn't know so I didn't expect anyone to watch my child. I had went to the restroom and left my ds with my dh. Dh was the one who let my ds go with my mil. I was in the restroom so didn't consent to it. When I went outside the restaurant looking for ds he was no where to be found. Everyone was giving their goodbyes and didn't show concern that he was missing. My mil was trying to take pics of everyone and wasn't paying attention to him or the fact that we were even looking for him. She hadn't seen her fam in years so these pics must have been important to her. To those that asked if my ds needs to be watched 24/7 the answer is yes when we are outdoors. He doesn't stay still and you blink and he will be across the room. I don't trust many ppl with him. However my dh was the one who allowed him to go outside with my mil. My mil was just complaining that she doesn't get time with her grand kids so he must have caved in. I would have tagged along to keep an eye. The cousin who saw him run off said my ds is fast and wouldn't listen to her. She came back out of breath so I know he was out of control. I barely know this cousin. I wouldn't expect her to watch my child or anyone there. When we were looking for him no one was too concerned. It wasn't their responsibility to watch him. He was left in the care of my mil. That's why I have an issue with her being distracting but offering to watch him. I didn't know she was a flake. I've only allowed her to watch ds indoors at my house and she's fine with him. Anyway dh insisted on talking to my mil about this. He was so upset and just as frantic as me when we couldn't find him. He agreed that she's not watching them alone until they are older.

Andrewsgal · August 2014

You have got to be fucking kidding me. Your blame is 100% misplaced. Listen carefully. THIS IS YOUR HUSBANDS FAULT. Not your MIL blaming her and not letting her watch the kids is mean. Your husband screwed up and it shows a huge lack of character that instead of taking blame he is blaming his mom.

fintin · August 2014

That's all on your dh. You are mad at the wrong person and taking it out on your MIL is not right.

spring_time · August 2014

Wow, your DH is getting off totally scot free! You went to the bathroom and left your DH to take care of your DS. He unloaded his responsibility on your MIL. What was he doing when he handed off your DS? By your own accounts, you were only gone for a few minutes. Your DH couldn't manage to keep his eye on your DS for a few minutes? You were practically accusing your MIL of child neglect, but the father had no responsibility? Then, when the shit hit the fan your DH conveniently jumped on board your crazy train, once again assuming no responsibility, and goes after your MIL. What a way to deflect any blame!!! I agree with others, you are mad at the wrong person.

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