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Ibliss · August 2014

There has been on ongoing disagreement between DH and I on how much he helps out with LO. I have mentioned it once before on here. We recently went on vacation, bringing my MIL with us. It brought into stark contrast what he does and doesn't help with, because she jumps at every opportunity to do something for LO (feed her, get up with her, bath her, wash bottles, you-name-it). Tonight DH and I started to discuss the situation. Well now he is upset and spending the night at a friend's house and I am wondering if I am being unreasonable. Before he left he asked accusingly, "You don't even know how much I try, do you?". I feel like an awful wife.

Some history: DH has a well paying job but highly stressful. He is often out of town and is constantly answering emails into the evening hours. Most days he holds LO for 5-10 minutes when he gets home and then does his own thing while I finish dinner while watching LO. Then he gives her a bath and passes her off to me to lotion, dress, feed, and rock to sleep. He doesn't get up with LO at night. He says a 2 second goodbye to LO in the morning before heading off to work. Weekends: I have insisted he wake up one morning with LO (before that he was sleeping in both days). He wakes up with her on Sundays and watches her until about noon and then I take over so he can mow the lawn, etc. He doesn't do any housework or yard work (apart from lawn care).

Now that I have complained, I do want to mention, he is a loving husband and father. I am so happy in my marriage and happy with him as the father of my child. I feel like we are just trying to work out the details. I feel like he should spend more time with LO. Sorry this is so long. How do you and your significant other divide time with LO? Am I possibly under-appreciating him? I realize its hard to convey the entire story here and that every situation is different. Just wondering if others have struggled with this and how they worked through it? Looking for any suggestions.

Ibliss · August 2014

Avswolf said:

Have you tried looking at it from his point of view? You said he works a lot and it's highly stressful. Imagine coming home and your wife hands the baby to you and says "Your turn!" (Not saying it's what you do, but follow my logic.) weekends he has outdoor things to get done. He'd probably love to spend more time with you and LO, but there's so much to get done, so much to take care of. And now you're saying he doesn't do enough. (Again, not trying to out you on the defensive.) My advice? Let it go. Pick your battles wisely. You married for the long run, but you'll cut it short with petty fights.

I am trying to see it from his point of view. It helps to have others point it out as well. It is some me wanting his help but it is also I worry LO isn't getting enough of his attention. Maybe this is something I should just let it go. Easier said then done

. Does this seem petty to you? (Looking for an honest answer)

Ibliss · August 2014

Both great advice. I have a hard time expressing my concern without him feeling accused of wrong-doing. Conversation started as a discussion to find a compromise and turned into him hurt and offended by what I was saying.

not my intention at all.

Ibliss · August 2014

Thanks for the support. I really needed it tonight.

sdlaura · August 2014

I understand where you're coming from and think you're going through a totally normal new parent stage. DH and I both work full time in relatively stressful jobs but I still end up doing way more childcare and housework. But honestly, it's just easier for me than it is for him to balance everything. Two things I've learned are that he became way more into spending time with our daughter as she got older and more interactive, and that things improved a ton when I stopped trying to focus on whether or not things were equal and started focusing more on just supporting him as a dad. I still get annoyed sometimes that I'm sort of the default kid-watcher whenever we are both around, but we continue to make progress. It has really taken time - our daughter just turned 2. Hang in there.

MamaAllison · August 2014

I was going to chime in kind of with what I think @sdlaura‌ was saying - as the baby gets older and more interactive I think your DH will naturally want to interact more. That's how it has been for both girls for my DH. I swear he only warmed up to C in the last month. Are you breastfeeding? Sometimes that can make it even harder because you are feeding all day & night, it's something he can't do, etc.

Good luck and I hope the follow-up conversation goes well!

Noethola · August 2014

I agree that things will work themselves out a bit as the baby gets older and starts demanding daddy time on their own. :-)

You are not alone.

I too do the majority of the housework and baby caring. It does help to specifically ask him to do certain things. For me, I also have to realize that his going to work every day is a way that he feels he is participating in taking care of LO. I work PT and do so in the evenings after Lo goes to sleep, yet it is just easier for me to multi-manage everything than it is for him. I try to provide opportunities for them to have some time together everyday, but a lot of the work week, they see each other for 15-30 min a day. Even this morning, I am up with LO while DH sleeps in. Parenting isn't always 50/50. For some of us, that just doesnt work out. But I do think being open and honest with each other is important for your marriage and your future as parents. Try not to accuse, but maybe make more suggestions and affirm what he is doing well already.

Ibliss · August 2014

@MamaAllison‌ No, I'm not breastfeeding. I agree he will want to interact more as LO gets older. I guess I was worried she would be 6 and he would still be acting this way but that isn't fair and is unrealistic.

Ibliss · August 2014

@Noethola‌ I like what you said about him working is participating in raising LO. I didn't think of it like that. And while it's not how I would do things if rolls were reversed I can see how he thinks that way. Also it's comforting to know that other spouses only get 15-30 minutes with LO. Don't know why but it helps it seem normal.

Ibliss · August 2014

@greenbunny79‌ I agree he feels under appreciated. I try to show him but I feel like it isn't coming across. I let him sleep in, or rest after work. I make dinner and have it ready. I try to tell him I appreciate how hard he is working. I even wrote him an appreciation list one time. But he isn't feeling it come across. He has only been in this new stressful role at work 6 months and I keep hoping it will get better after they hire this or that new person or after they are trained, etc. but I don't know how long to keep waiting for less stress.

Ibliss · August 2014

greenbunny79 said:
Does it bother you more because you feel overwhelmed and alone or is it that you're afraid he isn't bonding enough with her?

Both honestly. I feel like I do everything house and baby wise. And it's hard. He says he knows I work hard at home but then doesn't give me a break in the evening. But he needs a rest after work. I just feel like if he needs a rest, why doesn't he recognize I also might need a rest after a long day. Then I also worry about the bonding. It's not that he isn't bonding with LO. He is. But I think he should spend more time. Maybe because I would spend more time if I was at work all day. And it's hard for me to see why he doesn't want to.

Codypup · August 2014

I am going to disagree a bit with some of the PPs. Yes, your H works hard outside the home, and possibly feels like that's his contribution to raising LO. He too deserves a break. And it's probably helping you to consider things from his perspective.

But...I dunno. That kind of set up would be really hard for me to personally handle. I think you have every right to assert your feelings on the matter, and I completely understand why you feel the way you do.

But the main thing? I cannot get over the fact that he up and left for a night (?!?!?) out of anger/frustration. That's bullshit. You don't get to just walk out when conversations aren't going your way.

djtippietoes · August 2014

I agree with others that have said to be direct. I often get upset because I expect my DH to notice that there are dishes piling up in the sink and put them in the dishwasher, but he doesn't. However, if I say, "Will you do the dishes?" He has no problem with it.

He might need a break when he gets home but you do too. I don't like this idea that because he works outside the home and you don't (at least it sounded like you don't), he should get a break when he gets home while you don't. The fact that he has a good job shouldn't be his main contribution to the family, imo.

Ibliss · August 2014

Sorry, I haven't replied. I had a massage this morning. Almost canceled it because of the fight but this is literally the first Saturday since Mother's Day (when I was gifted it) that it has worked for me to go. So it was nice to try to relax but hard because we're still fighting.

No I don't work outside the home. And yes, I think he is more stressed then he let's on. But DH is the type to hold it in and try to work though it himself so he doesn't stress me out. So even though we talk about his work and stresses, I think it hasn't helped as much as I thought.

DH rarely up and leaves. He hates it when I leave for a few hours to cool off. But he must have been really upset. I chose not to bring it up because honestly I was super upset too and needed a break. I did ask him to come home but he said he didn't want to drive back angry in the thunderstorm. So he stayed.

BB0214 · August 2014

I don't have anything else to add except that figuring each other out as new parents is hard. You're probably right that he's more stressed than he lets on. My H does the same. We have a similar struggle. ((((HUGS))))

Ibliss · August 2014

Avswolf said:
Has he come home?

Yes. He came home this morning to let me go to my massage.

Edit wording

boogerbearoriginal · August 2014

I'm not sure I immediately fault the guy for leaving. Sometimes when an argument is just yelling at each other and no one is calm enough to be heard there isn't a point to trying to continue. And some people need space to calm down. I actually find driving around aimlessly listening to loud music incredibly helpful when I'm frustrated/angry and need to calm down.

Anyhow, I think finding the balance between partners is difficult and especially when one parent SAH. We both work FT, but H used to work nights (he just got on days ~3m ago) but LO1/him have a great bond despite him hardly seeing him for the whole work week. Ultimately, what will work for you/H in regard to the division of labors will be unique. As long as it's working for you guys, focus on that and not on what someone says should happen or whatever. If it's not working, then try to brainstorm a solution together. Keeping score of who spends x hours, and does y chores isn't going to make anyone happy.

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