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NTTGPR: My BIL is an a-hole.

holliberry28holliberry28 member
in Trying to Get Pregnant
Ok, so DH's brother is 40-years-old, divorced with a 6-year old daughter.  We think he is depressed after moving back into his parent's house from his current relationship which was on-again, off-again gf following his divorce.  He lived with her daughter, but she told him he couldn't bring his daughter more than twice a month.  So, initially I felt sorry for him, but he is perpetually paying for stupid bitches rent, groceries, etc, and tells his ex-wife that he can't afford child support for his daughter.  Meanwhile, he won't tell my MIL and FIL where he goes, won't move it, and now is refusing to bring his daughter to Brooklyn for grandma's birthday.

DH refuses to talk to him about anything.  He doesn't want me to say anything to him.  And his mom just screams at him that he shouldn't be secretive and that should spend more time with his daughter.  Previously, she would come from her mother's house in Jersey and stay with my MIL for the weekend, and my brother in law would show up whenever he felt like it.  My mother in law just wanted to take him to spend more time with his daughter, so now he is "punishing" her by going to Jersey to see his daughter, when we are going out to celebrate her birthday today.

I'm so frustrated that he is such a fucking asshole and feel bad for his family because his mom lives for her kids and grandkids.  Any advice or anything that can be done? I really do want to punch him in the face.

Thanks to anyone who reads this.  I'm just fed up with his shitty self.


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Re: NTTGPR: My BIL is an a-hole.

  • rufus426rufus426 member
    I agree with @bibliothecary. My DH and I have an agreement that we will follow the other's lead when it comes to dealing with our own family's issues. Once DH broke that agreement and it took several months for my brother to forgive DH for stepping in on an issue between him and my mother. It just creates drama where it is not needed. I would say if DH does not want to say something to his brother, stay out of it. If your MIL and FIL vent to you about it, you can listen and provide insight to them, but I would recommend not stepping in on your BIL. 
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  • frig05frig05 member
    I agree with @bibliothecary and @rufus426‌ as hard it is to just sit by when you feel like it's not right, it may be taken the wrong way if you step in. I also agree that you can be there for your MIL and FIL when they need you in this situation. That is helpful in itself.
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  • lilsneezylilsneezy member
    Sorry your BIL is being a dip shit. He sounds a little like my brother. I used to always get involved in his drama and give him my two cents about it, but I found it's a heck of a lot easier to just stay out of it all together. It sounds like he's going through a rough time so hopefully it's just a phase and he gets his shit together soon, for his daughter's sake. Unfortunately, you can't make people think or see things the way you do. The one thing I did do for my brother was stop enabling him. I stopped lending him money, giving him a place to stay, etc. If he wants to make bad decisions, then fine. But I wasn't going to have anything to do with it. You can only waste so much energy on a person before you realize they have to be the ones who want to change. 
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  • JumpAroundBuckyJumpAroundBucky member
    That's some bullsh*t right there. People suck. I do agree with the others though. As much as it sucks to sit by and watch it happen, I would just let H's family take the lead, especially when YH asked you not to say anything. I know being married means "your family is now my family", but I find that that is pretty much crap. It sounds like getting involved will just cause more conflict. 
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  • holliberry28holliberry28 member
    Thanks guys.  I needed to hear this.  I know it's not my place to say anything, it just breaks my heart to see him repeatedly hurt my MIL.  


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  • holliberry28holliberry28 member
    @lilsneezy, I wish his mom would stay out of it.  He's staying in DH's old bedroom, and put a lock on the door.  Says he's going to rent a studio, but just shows up anytime he pleases.  She has high blood pressure and doesn't need to be worrying about when or if her 40 yr old son is coming home.

    End Rant.  I'm butting out.  Promise.


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  • lilsneezylilsneezy member
    @holly628 Sounds like your MIL needs to put her foot down. If he can't respect her house then he needs to GTFO. 
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  • lindsayloo1212lindsayloo1212 member
    I'm sorry you are going through this @holly628. If it makes you feel any better my in laws haven't talked to my MIL and FIL for what will be a year in October so I kinda know where you are coming from. They have a 10 year old daughter and it is exhausting to watch the strain on DH's mother trying to get to see her grand daughter. If you can do anything, just try to have an open ear and supportive words. But when family stuff gets this messy - like PPs have said - it is best to stay out of it as much as possible. Good luck, I know it's hard.
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