Feeling "bad" about natural birth...

TehysKitaBug · July 2014

I am a soon to be FTM although this is my second pregnancy. I'm 15 weeks now and starting to get the 'I'm actually pregnant' feeling. After a really bad m/c I've been nervous and not wanting to get too attached to the idea. But I've seen baby enough times and heard a healthy heartbeat enough that I'm starting to really plan the next few months and birth. I've said since my teen years that when I have children I'd like to do it without meds if at all possible. Now that I am really facing that all my mom friends are saying I'm NUTS! Just get the epidural, you will regret not doing it, you dont handle pain well anyway, dont even try, etc....

Did anyone else get this from friends/family/strangers? Its not going to change my mind at all but I almost feel like they're saying "you're doing it wrong" because of all this. I'm going to try my hardest to follow my birth plan. Obviously there are some reasons I might need to change it, but assuming all goes well I'm really determined. My midwife is really on board obviously and we'll be discussing things more as time goes on. Just seems strange to me to be judged so harshly for wanting to do this naturally! Thanks for any comments/stories

aboodtobe · July 2014

Ugh, I totally get this. Especially as a FTM. To be honest, my own mother has been my best supporter and defender. She had a natural childbirth (not a lot of options back then) but had an epidural for her hysterectomy. Some people have great experiences with epidurals, but my mom hated it. And believe me, she's actually the type to go for any medical intervention (she's in the medical field). So, for her to say that she wouldn't recommend it, I was quite surprised.

If you don't have a friend/relative as an ally, I say just ignore the comments. If the person isn't genuinely interested in why you want to have a natural birth, I just answer with something like, "well, we'll see how it goes." Honestly, no one has the right to tell you have you should have your baby. As long as your birth partner and health care practitioner support you, who cares? The other people aren't going to be at your child's birth anyway.

marriedinaugust · July 2014

I got it last time too. I got the "you'll regret it" "don't be a hero" "you don't get a prize" blah, blah, blah. I never offered up the info but would answer when asked. I just told people it is my body my choice. I'm not asking them to do it. I'm choosing not to put drugs in my body or my baby's body. I feel like it is what is best for ME. I don't really take pain relievers when I'm not pregnant and I feel like childbirth is something I want to feel. You can do it!

Valancyy · July 2014

I had some IV meds with my first and no meds with my 2nd (in a hospital both times).

I told people I wanted to avoid an epidural, and I got the same kind of reactions. One person said to me, "you wouldn't get a cavity filled without Novocain!" Uh...actually, I have. I've never had Novocain for a cavity.

When the pain gets so bad you don't think you can do it anymore...you're almost done! My reasons for not using pain meds are that I don't want them to affect the baby. I also don't want to be stuck in bed (epidural).

JCWhitey · July 2014

I really don't get this point of thinking. It's OK to THINK it, but to say it out loud to a pregnant woman? I am very happy that my family cared more for me than that. My mom asked my husband during my pregnancy if he thought I could do an all-natural birth and he said he didn't think so but respected my wanting to attempt it. Never once did that EVER come across to me in our conversations prior to my delivery that he thought that way. Whenever I asked him he'd say "you can do anything you put your mind to". More or less if someone was doubtful they'd say something like "I wish I could have done it!" or something like that. First thing you may want to do is tell your negative family members how you are feeling about their comments and request that they respect your wishes and stop making those comments, that SUPPORT from them will go a lot further than negativity.

Anyway, I had a completely, 100% med-free and intervention-free labor and delivery, just like I wanted. What really helped me through it was the fact that I had about half a dozen methods of natural pain management that I had researched to use during labor, and I actually used/needed all of them! Lol! I did two hypnobirthing classes (Bliss Born and Gentle Birth), I labored in the tub, I listened to everyone I ever knew who'd had a natural birth and what worked for them and tried all of that (humming, bouncing on a ball, lying on my back on a ball, moaning,walking, doing squats against the bed, standing during pushing... all of it I tried!), and even learned Lamaze!

Not everything worked for me, but I'm happy I had all of these "tools" to help me along. The nurse commented numerous times to my mom and husband that she couldn't believe I was a first time mom because I acted so in control. Another helpful tool for you may be a doula, someone who has experience in natural birth and can help guide you through it. They can be expensive but worth every penny and some insurances cover them now!

Mama-Bear · July 2014

It could be honest confusion (because honestly why in the world would you want to feel the pain if there's an easy out), or insecurity because they couldn't/didn't do it without an epidural. TBH I used to be one of the "you don't get a prize" people because I just didn't understand why you'd want to experience the pain (though I didn't really care, them opting to feel the labor and delivery didn't hurt me any). Now, 1 vaginal birth, 2 c/s, 4 babies, and hopefully a VBA2C later I'm considering Hypnobirthing (I haven't had a VBA2C, I'm hoping for one) with a Hypno doula. I ran the tough mudder and when we finished I felt pretty bad ass, that's part of my reason for wanting to avoid the epi this time. I'm also hoping to have a smaller tear/episiotomy, getting up right after birth (it took me about 6 hours after my epidural was removed to have enough feeling in my legs to hold myself up).

If they're not supporting you, just tell them that you'll "see how it goes". I would avoid saying that you 100% no way no how don't want an epidural, I think if you do decide to get one when you're in the moment that you'll get a lot of "told you so" type of comments.

mb314 · July 2014

I found when pregnant, that the less you tell people about your birth plans, the better off you are. Everyone has an opinion and likes to tell you about it/make you feel bad or inadequate. If you are wanting a natural birth, people say you are a martyr or that you'll fail or that you're crazy. If you are the type that just wants to go in and get your epidural ASAP, others will tell you what an awful thing you're doing to your baby. It does go both ways.

If you're committed to a natural birtth, make sure you have a supportive partner and a supportive provider (which is sounds like is what you have). And read up as much as you can, and take a natural-birth focused class if you can afford it. There are so many unknowns with birth - so many things that can go not as you planned - that you need to make sure you have all the tools you can to make informed decisions during labor and to hopefully acheive a natural birth.

I took Bradley Method classes, which are 12 weeks long and really really thorough. They focus on educating and training you and your partner (with an emphasis on your partner being the prime coach). I found the classes to be really really useful. Others have had success with Hypnobabies.

Good luck!

JennaRaek · July 2014

I had people tell me things like this as well. Just don't bring it up. It's your decision so do what YOU want to do. My DH and OB supported me so those were really the only people I talked to about it. I had a friend go med free by choice and told me to do it and then my SIL had a med free delivery only because the baby came so fast. She was the one telling me "don't be a hero". I'm not trying to be a hero. I'm letting my body do what it knows how to do! A few friends had babies after me with epidurals. One had a good experience and the other hated the entire thing and had a spinal headache for a week after. Her DH was taking care of her and their baby because she couldn't move. She said when they have another she's for sure going med free! It's a completely different pain from say.. breaking your arm. It's a pain that's worth something. You didn't just get hurt. Does that make sense?? That's how I like to think about it. You didn't get hurt... you're having a beautiful baby!!

We're currently expecting #2 with our DS being only 6 months old. I plan on going med free again. You were meant to do this. You can do it! Good luck!!

MsMacual · July 2014

Hugs! I agree that it was easiest not to discuss our birth plans with anyone other than my care providers. I've found that giving birth and raising kids are sources of many strong opinions that often come across as judgmental, even when the person making the comment may not mean to be. I also think that for some women, their birth experience was a source of disappointment and the negative comments are an outcome of their issues. Anyway- just do your best to ignore the comments and prepare yourself for the type of birth that you hope to have. Giving birth without pain meds and with limited medical intervention is totally possible (even in a hospital!) and really takes a supportive care provider and being prepared. You can do it!

MandMLeona · July 2014

I would suggest that you consider a very surprising fact about parenthood...every time you choose to do anything differently than the person you are talking to, they will internalize that as a judgement of the decision they made.

I didn't realize this initially and naively thought the research I had done would help people understand my point of view. They never saw past the judgement that I didn't feel and wasn't in anyway meaning to imply.

Now that I've done it naturally twice at home, when the topic comes up and someone starts in I just tell them I can't imagine giving birth the way that they did...it must be so much more difficult than what I did. Some people begin to understand that it's all an individual situation and we do the best we can with the knowledge we have...everyone else just calms down and takes it as praise for their choices.

sschwege · July 2014

Yes, I experienced that a lot the first time. The second time around I guess they figure you know what you are doing.

I think as with so many parenting decisions if you do something 'different', then people assume you must be saying they are doing it wrong. If you are refusing an epi, that must mean you have a problem with women getting epis. If you decide to do 'no screen time' then you must have a problem with me having the TV on. If you decide to CD, you must have a problem with disposables. I could go on and on. I don't think it's a conscious thought in a mother's mind, but I think it can make some people very defensive.

chicagojackie · July 2014

Like PP said, anytime you make a decision about something someone will disagree with you. If you have made your mind up, why do you need to discuss it with people who will just bring you down? Keep the conversation to your husband, your provider and any other support persons who will be with you when you have your baby.

lavendergiraffes · July 2014

Yup! I heard everything from everyone. Dh was the only one who supported me (and my doula and mw). I'm not normally a stubborn person but it really motivated me to prove everyone wrong!

Milo5181 · July 2014

I didn't get this from a lot of people, but I got it A LOT from my old boss last time. She had had an induction with both her kids, and only gave me advice that had applied to her 18-20 years before. Example: she didn't even know there were electric breastpumps, so she told me I didn't need a breastpump and would be able to express my milk by HAND. Can you imagine!

Anyhow, she would always say that the minute I walked into the hospital I would be demanding drugs, that the drugs were so wonderful, blah blah blah. Most other people were like "good luck, I wasn't able to do that" or "I loved my epidural!" but she was the only one who took my choice and my desire and just stomped it into the ground. I was so happy that I was able to go med-free for many reasons, but one of them was that I proved her wrong.

jmknox · August 2014

Everyone doubted me except my husband, mom and some friends who went all natural. Just remember that you are a strong woman! We are not weak in that regard. All of my husbands family doubted me and said I was crazy. And they feared having a natural birth outside of a hospital was unsafe. ******^. As a PP poster said, do ALL of your homework. Take a good birthing class (like Bradley or hypno) and research all pain manAgement and labor techniques. Feeling completely comfortable/confident in my decision is what helped the most. Surround yourself with positive people.

waldothewiener1 · August 2014

I had talked to a couple coworkers with babies and no one said I should get the epidural, actually two women shared their horror stories of how the epidural screwed up their labor and one girl got an infection from it several months later and had to be hospitalized... Just awful stuff. Only one person tried to sell the epidural to me and that was one of the doctors in my OB medical group. He asked for my reasons for wanting to go natural, completely discredited them and then gave me a list of reasons why I should get an epidural. I was shocked and pissed and hoped he wouldn't be the doctor on call the day I went into labor. Sure enough, he was... And I did it med free with no issues or tearing. Jerk.

jennypolkadots · August 2014

I am a FTM and planning to go natural. I think most of my friends and family all know that I am well informed and stubborn so we have not got that much flack for it. We are the crunchy ones in the family lol I have more negative comments about the fact we are looking into birth centers and home birth options. Oh well, my baby my choice. The best thing I can say to that is "we love this baby more than anyone else, and this is our informed choice to make."

I think that misery loves company and people can not imagine that anyone out there can do something differently than they did. There are a lot of scarred women out there that didn't know their options or prepare for their births, and have to believe "it was the only way" to feel better about it and heal. I would just share with them why you are choosing no meds, and that you really need their support at this time. It is not something that is going to affect them in the slightest so they can just buzz off. Most people don't know how much pitocin, epidurals, Demerol and other meds can affect the baby and lead to a cascade of other interventions so they may just need some information to leave you alone. You could always say "I am choosing my child's health over my own discomfort" and leave it at that.

jennypolkadots · August 2014

Also - I don't broadcast the decision to go natural. If someone says something like "just make sure you get the epi asap" then I just smile and nod. It's none of their business. If someone straight of asks me, then I assume they realize that natural birth is a great option and support it. Usually that is the case

poopie94 · August 2014

I got a lot of judgment with my choice to home birth my first child. People were like "You're going to want the drugs", and "What are you going to do if something goes wrong?", and just in general tried to fear me into changing my mind. I think the fundamental issue with people is that they all want to believe they are normal, and if THEY wouldn't choose a natural birth, then YOU doing it makes them feel uncomfortable with their own sense of "normalcy". This is true in so many things, not just pregnancy and birth. If you're out with friends and CHOOSE not to drink, while they are all drinking, they will almost always guilt you about it, because they feel somehow uncomfortable that you're not part of their club. I wouldn't read more into it than them just wanting to feel better about their own choices to have epidurals and such. Do what FEELS right for you and that will be the best birth plan you can go with. Having been in labor for 36 hours, and delivering 100% natural at home, I can tell you, YOU CAN AND WILL DO IT. We wouldn't be a species anymore, were it not for our ability to give birth. Women have immense strength and power. Don't let anyone rob you of that. Not your doctor. Not nurses. Certainly not your so called friends. Good luck!

xc1148 · August 2014

I'm not even 100% decided on a natural birth and I find these types of comments annoying. People just annoy me in general though. I'm not telling anyone our birth plan, our names, nada.

shellybean3788 · August 2014

You're the one who is giving birth, and you are the one who gets to make the decisions. Empowering, isn't it?

TehysKitaBug · August 2014

I've stopped talking about it to most people,but luckily I have found some good support in those I have talked to. It just took finding the right people I guess! 6/7 children born to my coworkers were all natural and even though my mother had all c-sections once I explained my reasons for avoiding medical interventions she was immediately on board.

nova99 · August 2014

I had an epidural with my first and complications arose as a result. It is said that being induced with pitocin makes contractions stronger, and I went without an epidural for my second delivery, despite the fact I was induced. It was still better without the epidural! Recovery was better, I was in control of my body, and the pain doesn't last----it goes away instantly when the baby comes out! People out too much emphasis on the pain due to fear, and I think it's really rude for people to express their opinions to you like that. You're supposed to be enjoying yourself, so just let them know that you don't want to be informed of their rubbish.

highbornhunter · August 2014

I have completely stopped discussing my birth plans with my best friend who has a daughter already because she's been so negative/condescending about it. I've had to hear her whole story about how she wasn't going to have any meds because someone told her if she had the epidural then the baby would come out with a fever and need antibiotics delivered through her head. Then someone told her that wasn't true and she was all about the epidural. She did no preparing for a natural birth, and if she hadn't been told that then I don't think she'd have even tried to begin with. At first I tried talking to her about the things I've read, like how epidurals can slow down labor and increase your chances for ending up with a c-section, how going med-free makes it easier to start breast-feeding, etc. And now I just don't talk about it because when she says "Oh, you'll see!" and makes that infuriating face I want to punch her.

Like PPs have said, just avoid the topic with your nay-sayers. You are the only one who can say what your body is capable of.

And congratulations on your pregnancy!

<:-P

jpavenski · August 2014

With my son I ended up going natural & had in the back of my mind that I wanted to but didn't really discuss it with anyone. I was incredibly lucky to stay home until I was 5 centimeters & only spend two & half hours at the hospital until I had my baby. My husband still thought they were going to send us home when we got there because I was handling the contractions so well. It cracks me up that people will stay say right in front of me get the drugs to other moms. I hope baby #2 goes just as smooth. Good luck to you all on smooth deliveries!

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