What check ins are you interested in? — The Bump
Trouble TTC a Sibling

What check ins are you interested in?

Check ins are one of the things I will miss about TTCAL.  What check ins are you interested in?  What check ins are you willing to lead?  I'd love to be part of a healthy living/fitness check in, and AL check in, and prayer circle.  
[Deleted User]rslh10tigerlynx31413

Re: What check ins are you interested in?

  • @mlal78 and @sterling13

    I absolutely feel unwelcome on TTCAL. 
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  • ...and I'm not the only one
  • I'd like a check in that focuses on our existing children, so that every post isn't about struggles with getting pregnant. Not sure what to call it though. Any suggestions?
    I would love check-ins for various aged children. For example: "Elementary School Aged Children", "Preschool aged children", "Toddler check-in", "Infant check-in", etc.
    May '15 January siggy challenge:
    image
    * Me: 33, DH: 34 * Married 11.10.06 *
    DS 10.2.07 | DD 7.27.10 | 4 angel babies
    BFP #7 | EDD 5.15.15 | It's a BOY!
     BabyFetus Ticker  
    image  image
    cherylanddougLuluRM
  • mlal78 said:
    Why? Because you have a child, or some other reason? @cherylanddoug
    I'll try not to write a book here.  And try not to be offensive.  

    For one, I read the blog and followed the rules, then I was basically passive aggressively called out about having DS in my siggy.  I mentioned it in my intro that I hoped it was ok for him to be there.  No one said anything, no one pm'd me about it, and no mod said anything about it.  In fact another bumpie emailed me about how she had a similar loss and seeing my siggy gave her hope.  The "rules" seemed to be arbitrary changed in the post, rather than addressing the few people who were, as far as I can tell, unintentionally hurting/offending the ladies who had a problem with a LO being referred to.  

    Having a child profoundly changes your life.  Not being able to refer in any way shape or form having a LO is nearly impossible, avoid it sure I can do that for the sake of others.  Not only that but it add more dimension to the loss.  How do I help my child understand? The pain of seeing my son and his friend who has a little brother knowing J should have a little sibling too and wondering what their relationship would be.  Loss mamas can have living children too and it does matter.  



  • mlal78 said:
    Why? Because you have a child, or some other reason? @cherylanddoug
    I'll try not to write a book here.  And try not to be offensive.  

    For one, I read the blog and followed the rules, then I was basically passive aggressively called out about having DS in my siggy.  I mentioned it in my intro that I hoped it was ok for him to be there.  No one said anything, no one pm'd me about it, and no mod said anything about it.  In fact another bumpie emailed me about how she had a similar loss and seeing my siggy gave her hope.  The "rules" seemed to be arbitrary changed in the post, rather than addressing the few people who were, as far as I can tell, unintentionally hurting/offending the ladies who had a problem with a LO being referred to.  

    Having a child profoundly changes your life.  Not being able to refer in any way shape or form having a LO is nearly impossible, avoid it sure I can do that for the sake of others.  Not only that but it add more dimension to the loss.  How do I help my child understand? The pain of seeing my son and his friend who has a little brother knowing J should have a little sibling too and wondering what their relationship would be.  Loss mamas can have living children too and it does matter.  


    Well, I'll give my two cents and then I'll drop it: TTCAL is for everyone who has a loss regardless of where they are during that journey. The majority of posters don't have kids, some never will. So talking about your children, while it might help you in that moment, it hurts many more. The board decided that those conversations are better had off TTCAL, and I totally agree. I was on that board before my son was born, and hearing about kids killed me. Seeing a siggy pic like yours would have made me cry some days. That rule isn't there to hurt you, it's there to protect others, as are all the rules established on that board. I don't think implying that they don't think children matter though is accurate at all.

    That said, your voice was obviously heard and this board was established. If you don't think you can differentiate your conversations between the two boards post here only. But I don't think people should feel like they have to pick a board.
    And I had no intentions to have conversations about my son, but he's 90% of what I do in the summer-so to talk about what I did that day/plans would be nearly impossible which would make it hard for anyone to get to know me.  I followed the rules from the blog.  During my first go round in TTCAL, there were plenty of women with pics of their LOs in their siggies. The board has changed and that's fine--but the blog should be changed to say don't have a pic of a LO of any age in your siggy and don't refer to them, pretend they don't exist while you are on this board.   Anyone could have PM'd me or commented on my intro  about my siggy.  But no one did.  Instead it was some passive aggressive call out.  I just think that was handled badly.  

    Anyway it is pushing hurt women (not just me) away and I think that is sad.  

    Andplusalso we've been looking at roaches crawling out of someone's buttcrack in siggies....
  • mlal78 said:
    mlal78 said:

    mlal78 said:
    Why? Because you have a child, or some other reason? @cherylanddoug
    I'll try not to write a book here.  And try not to be offensive.  

    For one, I read the blog and followed the rules, then I was basically passive aggressively called out about having DS in my siggy.  I mentioned it in my intro that I hoped it was ok for him to be there.  No one said anything, no one pm'd me about it, and no mod said anything about it.  In fact another bumpie emailed me about how she had a similar loss and seeing my siggy gave her hope.  The "rules" seemed to be arbitrary changed in the post, rather than addressing the few people who were, as far as I can tell, unintentionally hurting/offending the ladies who had a problem with a LO being referred to.  

    Having a child profoundly changes your life.  Not being able to refer in any way shape or form having a LO is nearly impossible, avoid it sure I can do that for the sake of others.  Not only that but it add more dimension to the loss.  How do I help my child understand? The pain of seeing my son and his friend who has a little brother knowing J should have a little sibling too and wondering what their relationship would be.  Loss mamas can have living children too and it does matter.  


    Well, I'll give my two cents and then I'll drop it: TTCAL is for everyone who has a loss regardless of where they are during that journey. The majority of posters don't have kids, some never will. So talking about your children, while it might help you in that moment, it hurts many more. The board decided that those conversations are better had off TTCAL, and I totally agree. I was on that board before my son was born, and hearing about kids killed me. Seeing a siggy pic like yours would have made me cry some days. That rule isn't there to hurt you, it's there to protect others, as are all the rules established on that board. I don't think implying that they don't think children matter though is accurate at all.

    That said, your voice was obviously heard and this board was established. If you don't think you can differentiate your conversations between the two boards post here only. But I don't think people should feel like they have to pick a board.
    And I had no intentions to have conversations about my son, but he's 90% of what I do in the summer-so to talk about what I did that day/plans would be nearly impossible which would make it hard for anyone to get to know me.  I followed the rules from the blog.  During my first go round in TTCAL, there were plenty of women with pics of their LOs in their siggies. The board has changed and that's fine--but the blog should be changed to say don't have a pic of a LO of any age in your siggy and don't refer to them, pretend they don't exist while you are on this board.   Anyone could have PM'd me or commented on my intro  about my siggy.  But no one did.  Instead it was some passive aggressive call out.  I just think that was handled badly.  

    Anyway it is pushing hurt women (not just me) away and I think that is sad.  

    Andplusalso we've been looking at roaches crawling out of someone's buttcrack in siggies....
    @sterling13
    thank you for saying this much nicer/better than I could have.

    Cheryl, I guess in a way I can understand your position, but I do not agree with it.

    I joined that board two and a half years ago, both my boys were already born.  I quickly learned that this was a board of women in various stages of grieving, and various life stages.

    I never thought to put a picture of my boys in for a couple of reasons.  One was internet safety.  The biggest one though?  I didn''t want a picture of my children to hurt any of the women on that board.  Did it bother me?  Absolutely not.  I get to see my kids everyday, I don't have to have a picture of them on an internet forum, especially if it could hurt someone.
    It does not diminish the fact that I ahve them, or that I am somehow minimizing their existence.

    If having that picture in your signature is that important, then of course you should keep it.  But maybe in the keeping of it, then that board may not be the place for you, and this one is.

    /mlal steps down from soapbox.

    ETA: I did not ask the question to cause a fight or a debate, I was just honestly curious.  I was also mobile at the time so could not see your sig, or I might have guessed the issue.
    ETA because I just read the bolded.  I have been there for over two years.  I am a sahm.  I have been able to talk about my day without mentioning kids.  "I went to a movie" vs I took my ds to a movie, not hard.  No one asked you to pretend your kid does not exist. FFS

    The blog says please no pic of newborns or toddler.  Your kid is a toddler.
    @mlal78
    This is what the blog says about the appropriate age for children in siggies.  I copied and pasted.
      
    "Most agree that a picture of a toddler aged child or older is completely fine, but pictures of your older child while they are still a baby can be very hard to see to other TTCALers."  My profile picture used to be a funny pic of my son as a newborn and I removed it because of this.  

    I'm not trying to further the argument.  I think its fine to agree to disagree, but I made every effort to follow the rules.  If the blog rules are not accurate, it needs to be changed.  

    Also my son is 3 which I consider to be a preschooler, but those lines might be a little hazy, but according to the blog even a toddler is fine.  

    To me it definitely seemed implied by the mod that LCs should not be mentioned on the board judging by these two statements she posted in the line item thread. 

    "There are appropriate venues to discuss the unique concerns of TTCALing with living children.  In the company of women who would give anything to be in your shoes is not one of them. Be polite, FFS."

    "This is about a trend from a community of women who intuitively understand that not every topic is acceptable in a mixed use loss support group, to a higher and higher percentage of women who need to be told this astonishing fact. I am all about women hitching up their BGPs up to their tits and soldiering on, but when you go to the home page of your support group and see 5-7 LC warnings flashing at you, that's asking too much." 

    Perhaps I misinterpreted, but I am sure I am not the only one who read it that way.  Before this was posted I actually intentionally only replied on check ins mostly because that way there would not be all these **LC Warnings** on the board home page 


    And I am here because it is that important for me to keep him in my siggy.
  • Wow:( so sad to see ttcal has amounted to that:( 6 yrs ago when I joined, the board had just been started. I am STILL friends with some people on had met on there and a few if them had small children, and posted them in their siggies. Its sad to think I could have never met them with the current rules in place. I for one, was not offended by it and it was never mentioned as a offense while I was there either. The truth of the matter is a loss happens at all points in time and its saddening to see that some loss mommas with children do not feel comfortable posting someplace that gave me so much support in my time of need :( i get that it can be hurtful (shoot, the mear mention of a pregnant woman would put me into tears) but they/we should all support each other irregaurdless of previous children or their ages. Avoid saying day to day life with a child, sure, Telling somebody that a picture of their toddler is not welcome is ubsurd! I am so sorry if anybody felt that way.
    m/c April '08
    DD#1 born June '09
    DD#2 born April '11
    TTC #3 as of July '14


    My Ovulation Chart
    cherylanddoug
  • dmsmth said:
    Wow:( so sad to see ttcal has amounted to that:( 6 yrs ago when I joined, the board had just been started. I am STILL friends with some people on had met on there and a few if them had small children, and posted them in their siggies. Its sad to think I could have never met them with the current rules in place. I for one, was not offended by it and it was never mentioned as a offense while I was there either. The truth of the matter is a loss happens at all points in time and its saddening to see that some loss mommas with children do not feel comfortable posting someplace that gave me so much support in my time of need :( i get that it can be hurtful (shoot, the mear mention of a pregnant woman would put me into tears) but they/we should all support each other irregaurdless of previous children or their ages. Avoid saying day to day life with a child, sure, Telling somebody that a picture of their toddler is not welcome is ubsurd! I am so sorry if anybody felt that way.
    I had a very similar experience to you when I was on TTCAL with my first loss.  I am still friends with about 30 women who were on there with me.  There must have been a shift in culture sometime I'm guessing around 2012.   Thanks for sharing your perspective.  
    dmsmth
  • dmsmthdmsmth
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    edited August 2014
    snegde said:



    mlal78 said:


    mlal78 said:








    mlal78 said:

    Why? Because you have a child, or some other reason? @cherylanddoug

    I'll try not to write a book here.  And try not to be offensive.  

    For one, I read the blog and followed the rules, then I was basically passive aggressively called out about having DS in my siggy.  I mentioned it in my intro that I hoped it was ok for him to be there.  No one said anything, no one pm'd me about it, and no mod said anything about it.  In fact another bumpie emailed me about how she had a similar loss and seeing my siggy gave her hope.  The "rules" seemed to be arbitrary changed in the post, rather than addressing the few people who were, as far as I can tell, unintentionally hurting/offending the ladies who had a problem with a LO being referred to.  

    Having a child profoundly changes your life.  Not being able to refer in any way shape or form having a LO is nearly impossible, avoid it sure I can do that for the sake of others.  Not only that but it add more dimension to the loss.  How do I help my child understand? The pain of seeing my son and his friend who has a little brother knowing J should have a little sibling too and wondering what their relationship would be.  Loss mamas can have living children too and it does matter.  



    Well, I'll give my two cents and then I'll drop it: TTCAL is for everyone who has a loss regardless of where they are during that journey. The majority of
    posters don't have kids, some never will. So talking about your
    children, while it might help you in that moment, it hurts many more. The board decided that those conversations are better had off TTCAL, and I totally agree. I was on that board before my son was born, and hearing about kids killed me. Seeing a siggy pic like yours would have made me cry some days. That rule isn't there to hurt you, it's there to protect others, as are all the rules established on that board. I don't think implying that they don't think children matter though is accurate at all.

    That said, your voice was obviously heard and this board was established. If you don't think you can differentiate your conversations between the two boards post here only. But I don't think people should feel like they have to pick a board.

    And I had no intentions to have conversations about my son, but he's 90% of what I do in the summer-so to talk about what I did that day/plans would be nearly impossible which would make it hard for anyone to get to know me.  I followed the rules from the blog.  During my first go round in TTCAL, there were plenty of women with pics of their LOs in their siggies. The board has changed and that's fine--but the blog should be changed to say don't have a pic of a LO of any age in your siggy and don't refer to them, pretend they don't exist while you are on this board.   Anyone could have PM'd me or commented on my intro  about my siggy.  But no one did.  Instead it was some passive aggressive call out.  I just think that was handled badly.  

    Anyway it is pushing hurt women (not just me) away and I think that is sad.  

    Andplusalso we've been looking at roaches crawling out of someone's buttcrack in siggies....

    @sterling13
    thank you for saying this much nicer/better than I could have.

    Cheryl, I guess in a way I can understand your position, but I do not agree with it.

    I joined that board two and a half years ago, both my boys were already born.  I quickly learned that this was a board of women in various stages of grieving, and various life stages.

    I never thought to put a picture of my boys in for a couple of reasons.  One was internet safety.  The biggest one though?  I didn''t want a picture of my children to hurt any of the women on that board.  Did it bother me?  Absolutely not.  I get to see my kids everyday, I don't have to have a picture of them on an internet forum, especially if it could hurt someone.
    It does not diminish the fact that I ahve them, or that I am somehow minimizing their existence.

    If having that picture in your signature is that important, then of course you should keep it.  But maybe in the keeping of it, then that board may not be the place for you, and this one is.

    /mlal steps down from soapbox.

    ETA: I did not ask the question to cause a fight or a debate, I was just honestly curious.  I was also mobile at the time so could not see your sig, or I might have guessed the issue.



    ETA because I just read the bolded.  I have been there for over two years.  I am a sahm.  I have been able to talk about my day without mentioning kids.  "I went to a movie" vs I took my ds to a movie, not hard.  No one asked you to pretend your kid does not exist. FFS

    The blog says please no pic of newborns or toddler.  Your kid is a toddler.



    @mlal78
    This is what the blog says about the appropriate age for children in siggies.  I copied and pasted.
      
    "Most agree that a picture of a toddler aged child or older is completely fine, but pictures of your older child while they are still a baby can be very hard to see to other TTCALers."  My profile picture used to be a funny pic of my son as a newborn and I removed it because of this.  

    I'm not trying to further the argument.  I think its fine to agree to disagree, but I made every effort to follow the rules.  If the blog rules are not accurate, it needs to be changed.  

    Also my son is 3 which I consider to be a preschooler, but those lines might be a little hazy, but according to the blog even a toddler is fine.  

    To me it definitely seemed implied by the mod that LCs should not be mentioned on the board judging by these two statements she posted in the line item thread. 

    "There are appropriate venues to discuss the unique concerns of TTCALing with living children.  In the company of women who would give anything to be in your shoes is not one of them. Be polite, FFS."

    "This is about a trend from a community of women who intuitively understand that not every topic is acceptable in a mixed use loss support group, to a higher and higher percentage of women who need to be told this astonishing fact. I am all about women hitching up their BGPs up to their tits and soldiering on, but when you go to the home page of your support group and see 5-7 LC warnings flashing at you, that's asking too much." 

    Perhaps I misinterpreted, but I am sure I am not the only one who read it that way.  Before this was posted I actually intentionally only replied on check ins mostly because that way there would not be all these **LC Warnings** on the board home page 


    And I am here because it is that important for me to keep him in my siggy.



    I can't help but jump in.... the pic in your sig... if I reverse google image search I can track you to your house, an actual image of your house and address (so in short right now I know your address, how much you pay in property taxes, your etsy business, and I was only looking for about 2 minutes)... if I am an internet creep who knows what could happen. So you are not only being selfish and inconsiderate but putting the little boy you love so much at risk. The worst part is you call yourself a Christian. 

    quote fail

    Thats creepy! I didn't even know that you could search for a picture. How DO you do that?

    m/c April '08
    DD#1 born June '09
    DD#2 born April '11
    TTC #3 as of July '14


    My Ovulation Chart
  • Gotta love the internet.
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    Hubs & I -29 • Met 5/18/04 • Married 5/8/10
    BFP #1 DS 2/7/11 (Born @ 34 wks via ECS due to Pre-e) TTC #2 since Aug '13
    DX Low AMH (.58) March '14 • FSH-7.5 • E2-35.5 (Nov '14)
    SA- Great numbers • SIS- Clear (Nov '14)
     Cycle 1- Clomid CD3-7 & Trigger-BFP • EDD 1/12/15 
    Ectopic @ 5w6d • Methotrexate Shot 5/18/14
    Cycle 2,3,4- Clomid CD3-7 & Trigger-- BFN
    Cycle 5- Letrozole CD3-7 & Trigger BFFN
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    • Everyone Welcome •
    TTCAL January Siggy Challenge • Animal Snow Interactions
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    ellebelle2384
  • Oh and hi @snegde‌ :) :x I miss you!
    image
    Hubs & I -29 • Met 5/18/04 • Married 5/8/10
    BFP #1 DS 2/7/11 (Born @ 34 wks via ECS due to Pre-e) TTC #2 since Aug '13
    DX Low AMH (.58) March '14 • FSH-7.5 • E2-35.5 (Nov '14)
    SA- Great numbers • SIS- Clear (Nov '14)
     Cycle 1- Clomid CD3-7 & Trigger-BFP • EDD 1/12/15 
    Ectopic @ 5w6d • Methotrexate Shot 5/18/14
    Cycle 2,3,4- Clomid CD3-7 & Trigger-- BFN
    Cycle 5- Letrozole CD3-7 & Trigger BFFN
    image
    • Everyone Welcome •
    TTCAL January Siggy Challenge • Animal Snow Interactions
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    rmpar29[Deleted User][Deleted User]ellebelle2384
  • sarcaztic10 already said previously she'd want to participate and/or lead an AL check-in, which considering this board, is what our current check-in is essentially. 

    Personally, I took over the check-in from @BookishMomma when her work and home life got busy, but I don't want to hold someone else back if they would want to spear-head an AL check-in here. I don't know how quickly check-ins typically start on new boards, but I think given the climate around here, and the feedback from the TTCARS check-in, I was going to start a check in for next week, and once we see who is there we can decide who wants to be the check-in leader, unless someone claims it first.

    Let me know what you ladies think.

    BFP #1 7/6/2012, EDD 3/13/2013, Delivered 3/14/2013

    BFP #2 1/7/2014: EDD:9/14 MC: 1/9/2014 (confirmed via blood work)

    BFP #3 7/5/2014: EDD 3/11/2015 MC: 7/15/2014

    BFP #4 11/7/2014: EDD 7/17/2015~~Please be my RAINBOW!

    My Chart

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    All are Welcome!

  • Guys please stop quoting 77 paragraph long posts.  It makes mobile bumping nearly impossible.

    Also, I don't think it's outrageous at all that the TTCAL board doesn't want to talk about living children all the time.  Seems completely reasonable.  If you feel it's unreasonable, then it's definitely not the board for you.

    Also, this board is shiny-brand-new, and I think forcing a "culture" or trying to establish all these guidelines is a terrible idea.  Frankly, it's what turns a lot of people off from some of the other specialty boards.  There are too many "rules", or there is too much focused talk on one single subject.  

    Just let it develop over time.   It's more welcoming that way.  I hate shit about "you can't post that here" or "we've already answered that question 100 times".  No.  That's awful and shouldn't be that this board is about. 

    Finally, hi, I'm Hilarity.  I have a 2.5 yo DS and we've been TTC Baby 2.0 for quite some time now.  I'm in the middle of PCOS testing and will be seeing an RE at the end of next month.  Oh heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.


    Bitch be laughin in the face of our intro thread. @HilarityEnsued is all like "I do what I want.  Rules are awful.  Whatcha wanna do about it?"

    Welcome, Hilarity.  I'm CheesyPeas.  Good luck at the RE!

    November 2010 - 10.5 week loss  o:) 
    October 2011 - DS (7)  <3 
    July 2014 - Stillborn DD (24 weeks)  o:) 
    August 2015 - DD (3)  <3 
    April 2018 - 5 week loss o:) 

    [Deleted User][Deleted User]ellebelle2384
  • @cherylanddoug Sorry my siggy pic is bothering you. The challenge was WTF tattoos- this sure made me say "WTF!".  I'd say most of them are pretty gross/shocking...that was the point. But sadly you can't escape it on this board because....

    **********LC Mentioned************












    I have 2 sons- age 3 and 18 months. You know people can see what you post even if it's on a different board, right? You're not making many friends...
    image
    DS1 born 4/17/11
    DS2 born 2/22/13
    MMC 5/16/[email protected]
    DD due 5/9/15 Please be our RAINBOW

    imageimage
    rslh10
  • I'm down for a Pal check in @Nieko0423‌. I know I sucked last week and didn't check In (sorry, I suck) but I would be interested in it.

    image
    Hubs & I -29 • Met 5/18/04 • Married 5/8/10
    BFP #1 DS 2/7/11 (Born @ 34 wks via ECS due to Pre-e) TTC #2 since Aug '13
    DX Low AMH (.58) March '14 • FSH-7.5 • E2-35.5 (Nov '14)
    SA- Great numbers • SIS- Clear (Nov '14)
     Cycle 1- Clomid CD3-7 & Trigger-BFP • EDD 1/12/15 
    Ectopic @ 5w6d • Methotrexate Shot 5/18/14
    Cycle 2,3,4- Clomid CD3-7 & Trigger-- BFN
    Cycle 5- Letrozole CD3-7 & Trigger BFFN
    image
    • Everyone Welcome •
    TTCAL January Siggy Challenge • Animal Snow Interactions
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