NPR: Please! I need to know how to help my husband through his "thing"

luvalways77 · August 2014

There is no one I can trust to talk to or who would understand this. I don't understand it myself and neither does my husband. I'm sorry if this is long, but maybe someone has experience or knows how we can work through it.

A little background: he was a widow. When we met he couldn't keep his hands off of me.When were together it was always intimate. I was a total wreck when he found me though and I was very emotional and I didn't trust anyone. He helped me through a lot. He was patient and let me talk about my feelings anytime of the day. He was always happy and got over things easily. He loves working out and going to the gym. To me, he was the nicest sweetest man in the world. He took me on vacations and we hung out most weekends. We got married 3 years later. Two months later we decided it was time for a baby. Then I got pregnant and we were both so happy.

I don't know when I started feeling it, but something in me felt like marriage ruined something. He wasn't touching or wanting intimacy as often anymore. We could go a week without sex and it's like he didn't notice. But the weird thing was, we were happy and everything was fine, we laughed and watched movies together, etc. (except my need for the man I once knew who use to press me against a while and kiss me like in the movies) I guess I didn't get as bothered by it until a few months later when I mentioned to him how I'm always initiating and touching him and he doesn't "attack me" as passionately as before. He laughs it off. But I knew something just wasn't fitting. This man, I know, would jump in front of a bullet for me. But my head was questioning everything. Why all of a sudden am I feeling like a roommate? He complained about his job often. We are struggling financially and going paycheck to paycheck, but get lots of help, especially with the coming baby, from our family. We really don't lack anything. We have a nice home. We may not be able to go out to the movies or vacation right now, like we use to, but it doesn't bother me. He wants to really find another job and I sympathize with him because he's so nice and smart; he just feels smothered in this job he has. I wish he could find another job, but it's so hard right now. Finally, since I work online, a few days ago I decided to put in extra hours. This is hard because my job is hourly and sitting at a computer all day is hard. With breaks, I don't finish work til 10 at night. Sometimes for the last hours of the night I sit up in bed and work. My husband comes to bed, turns his back and falls asleep within a second. Five minutes later I finish working and that's it. The other night I told him "You don't touch me anymore" and he started rubbing my belly. That was it.

When I finally had enough and started thinking I was the problem I had to call him to talk today. I was so confused because he was confused. I asked him if he's depressed and he says he doesn't know. He says he has no idea what's going on. I told him how I've been feeling about our sex life and he says he hasn't noticed how he's changed. I asked him if he thinks it's relationship related and he says he really doesn't think it is. I was so lost. I didn't know what to say. I let him talk and at one point he says he didn't want to be the one doing all the talking. So I tried to come up with a solution by telling him ever since we hit a financial slump where the vacations and weekend going outs stopped, it's like he stopped too. He said that he's sure it has nothing to do with finances. Then he told me that when he gets home and I'm working, he just finds something to do. He feels like he always has to have something to do and it's hard to get the momentum going once it's bedtime. It's contradicting to me because just a year ago he didn't need anything to get started. All I had to was come to bed, even if it was 12:00am and he was all over me. He use to wake me up at midnight, one in the morning, or even 6 in the morning just to have sex. Now there's a momentum issue? What does it mean? I told him if I have to change my schedule again, I will. If he comes home and needs me to get off the computer I will do it. I just don't know what else to do. Since 6 months ago, I've been initiating everything, planning nights for us to be together and have fun. He says he's emotionally low, but it's been 6 months. It's puzzling because I see times where he's happy and joking around and I couldn't tell he could be depressed. And all that time, how could be happy and yet able to go a week without sex or no touching, no kissing. I don't know what to change in my schedule. If I don't work these extra hours, when I take time off in November for the baby we will have no extra cash, except what we get from family for the baby.

I feel sad for my husband. We've been married less than a year and I feel like marriage was a curse because now the man I thought I had is going through this weird phase that he thinks is normal. It's not when it's been six months of your wife feeling like a roommate. He'll help with the cooking and laundry when I'm working. I thought maybe if I just never let him have to do that stuff. Maybe if I let him sleep like a bear Saturday evening, he'll wake up refreshed and desire me, but that doesn't work. I give him all the space to do man stuff and watch his movies, cause he says he always watches what I want. None of that works. I literally have to take my clothes off and lay there now for him to get the idea. Before, all I had to do was breathe. What did I do wrong? Or is it depression? Is it his job? Is it finances? Is it a midlife crisis (he's 41). He goes to the gym at least 5 days a week ( I use to complain, but since he says it makes him feel good, I got over it) Who has any experience with this? I really need help. I know this is long to read, but I feel like I can't help him when he's helped me so many times through my emotional issues.

minibean16 · August 2014

Uh, hello.

I don't have a husband, so I can only pass on what I've seen from others. Many men have less sexual interest during pregnancy; some are a tad freaked out by the baby thing.

Perhaps the reality of having a baby is also weighing on him. If he is depressed, I hope he gets help, but if his biggest issue is that he's not as interested in sex, then focus on other types of intimacy.

lizgrace03 · August 2014

luvalways77 said:

There is no one I can trust to talk to or who would understand this. I don't understand it myself and neither does my husband. I'm sorry if this is long, but maybe someone has experience or knows how we can work through it.

A little background: he was a widow. When we met he couldn't keep his hands off of me.When were together it was always intimate. I was a total wreck when he found me though and I was very emotional and I didn't trust anyone. He helped me through a lot. He was patient and let me talk about my feelings anytime of the day. He was always happy and got over things easily. He loves working out and going to the gym. To me, he was the nicest sweetest man in the world. He took me on vacations and we hung out most weekends. We got married 3 years later. Two months later we decided it was time for a baby. Then I got pregnant and we were both so happy.

I don't know when I started feeling it, but something in me felt like marriage ruined something. He wasn't touching or wanting intimacy as often anymore. We could go a week without sex and it's like he didn't notice. But the weird thing was, we were happy and everything was fine, we laughed and watched movies together, etc. (except my need for the man I once knew who use to press me against a while and kiss me like in the movies) I guess I didn't get as bothered by it until a few months later when I mentioned to him how I'm always initiating and touching him and he doesn't "attack me" as passionately as before. He laughs it off. But I knew something just wasn't fitting. This man, I know, would jump in front of a bullet for me. But my head was questioning everything. Why all of a sudden am I feeling like a roommate? He complained about his job often. We are struggling financially and going paycheck to paycheck, but get lots of help, especially with the coming baby, from our family. We really don't lack anything. We have a nice home. We may not be able to go out to the movies or vacation right now, like we use to, but it doesn't bother me. He wants to really find another job and I sympathize with him because he's so nice and smart; he just feels smothered in this job he has. I wish he could find another job, but it's so hard right now. Finally, since I work online, a few days ago I decided to put in extra hours. This is hard because my job is hourly and sitting at a computer all day is hard. With breaks, I don't finish work til 10 at night. Sometimes for the last hours of the night I sit up in bed and work. My husband comes to bed, turns his back and falls asleep within a second. Five minutes later I finish working and that's it. The other night I told him "You don't touch me anymore" and he started rubbing my belly. That was it.

When I finally had enough and started thinking I was the problem I had to call him to talk today. I was so confused because he was confused. I asked him if he's depressed and he says he doesn't know. He says he has no idea what's going on. I told him how I've been feeling about our sex life and he says he hasn't noticed how he's changed. I asked him if he thinks it's relationship related and he says he really doesn't think it is. I was so lost. I didn't know what to say. I let him talk and at one point he says he didn't want to be the one doing all the talking. So I tried to come up with a solution by telling him ever since we hit a financial slump where the vacations and weekend going outs stopped, it's like he stopped too. He said that he's sure it has nothing to do with finances. Then he told me that when he gets home and I'm working, he just finds something to do. He feels like he always has to have something to do and it's hard to get the momentum going once it's bedtime. It's contradicting to me because just a year ago he didn't need anything to get started. All I had to was come to bed, even if it was 12:00am and he was all over me. He use to wake me up at midnight, one in the morning, or even 6 in the morning just to have sex. Now there's a momentum issue? What does it mean? I told him if I have to change my schedule again, I will. If he comes home and needs me to get off the computer I will do it. I just don't know what else to do. Since 6 months ago, I've been initiating everything, planning nights for us to be together and have fun. He says he's emotionally low, but it's been 6 months. It's puzzling because I see times where he's happy and joking around and I couldn't tell he could be depressed. And all that time, how could be happy and yet able to go a week without sex or no touching, no kissing. I don't know what to change in my schedule. If I don't work these extra hours, when I take time off in November for the baby we will have no extra cash, except what we get from family for the baby.

I feel sad for my husband. We've been married less than a year and I feel like marriage was a curse because now the man I thought I had is going through this weird phase that he thinks is normal. It's not when it's been six months of your wife feeling like a roommate. He'll help with the cooking and laundry when I'm working. I thought maybe if I just never let him have to do that stuff. Maybe if I let him sleep like a bear Saturday evening, he'll wake up refreshed and desire me, but that doesn't work. I give him all the space to do man stuff and watch his movies, cause he says he always watches what I want. None of that works. I literally have to take my clothes off and lay there now for him to get the idea. Before, all I had to do was breathe. What did I do wrong? Or is it depression? Is it his job? Is it finances? Is it a midlife crisis (he's 41). He goes to the gym at least 5 days a week ( I use to complain, but since he says it makes him feel good, I got over it) Who has any experience with this? I really need help. I know this is long to read, but I feel like I can't help him when he's helped me so many times through my emotional issues.

It's going to be hard for us to answer this, since everyone is different and we don't know your husband. It does sound like he may be struggling with depression issues, from the baby, your financial situation, or any other of the factors you mentioned. You may want to consider couples counseling.

uncharted01 · August 2014

luvalways77 said:

There is no one I can trust to talk to or who would understand this. I don't understand it myself and neither does my husband. I'm sorry if this is long, but maybe someone has experience or knows how we can work through it.

A little background: he was a widow. When we met he couldn't keep his hands off of me.When were together it was always intimate. I was a total wreck when he found me though and I was very emotional and I didn't trust anyone. He helped me through a lot. He was patient and let me talk about my feelings anytime of the day. He was always happy and got over things easily. He loves working out and going to the gym. To me, he was the nicest sweetest man in the world. He took me on vacations and we hung out most weekends. We got married 3 years later. Two months later we decided it was time for a baby. Then I got pregnant and we were both so happy.

I don't know when I started feeling it, but something in me felt like marriage ruined something. He wasn't touching or wanting intimacy as often anymore. We could go a week without sex and it's like he didn't notice. But the weird thing was, we were happy and everything was fine, we laughed and watched movies together, etc. (except my need for the man I once knew who use to press me against a while and kiss me like in the movies) I guess I didn't get as bothered by it until a few months later when I mentioned to him how I'm always initiating and touching him and he doesn't "attack me" as passionately as before. He laughs it off. But I knew something just wasn't fitting. This man, I know, would jump in front of a bullet for me. But my head was questioning everything. Why all of a sudden am I feeling like a roommate? He complained about his job often. We are struggling financially and going paycheck to paycheck, but get lots of help, especially with the coming baby, from our family. We really don't lack anything. We have a nice home. We may not be able to go out to the movies or vacation right now, like we use to, but it doesn't bother me. He wants to really find another job and I sympathize with him because he's so nice and smart; he just feels smothered in this job he has. I wish he could find another job, but it's so hard right now. Finally, since I work online, a few days ago I decided to put in extra hours. This is hard because my job is hourly and sitting at a computer all day is hard. With breaks, I don't finish work til 10 at night. Sometimes for the last hours of the night I sit up in bed and work. My husband comes to bed, turns his back and falls asleep within a second. Five minutes later I finish working and that's it. The other night I told him "You don't touch me anymore" and he started rubbing my belly. That was it.

When I finally had enough and started thinking I was the problem I had to call him to talk today. I was so confused because he was confused. I asked him if he's depressed and he says he doesn't know. He says he has no idea what's going on. I told him how I've been feeling about our sex life and he says he hasn't noticed how he's changed. I asked him if he thinks it's relationship related and he says he really doesn't think it is. I was so lost. I didn't know what to say. I let him talk and at one point he says he didn't want to be the one doing all the talking. So I tried to come up with a solution by telling him ever since we hit a financial slump where the vacations and weekend going outs stopped, it's like he stopped too. He said that he's sure it has nothing to do with finances. Then he told me that when he gets home and I'm working, he just finds something to do. He feels like he always has to have something to do and it's hard to get the momentum going once it's bedtime. It's contradicting to me because just a year ago he didn't need anything to get started. All I had to was come to bed, even if it was 12:00am and he was all over me. He use to wake me up at midnight, one in the morning, or even 6 in the morning just to have sex. Now there's a momentum issue? What does it mean? I told him if I have to change my schedule again, I will. If he comes home and needs me to get off the computer I will do it. I just don't know what else to do. Since 6 months ago, I've been initiating everything, planning nights for us to be together and have fun. He says he's emotionally low, but it's been 6 months. It's puzzling because I see times where he's happy and joking around and I couldn't tell he could be depressed. And all that time, how could be happy and yet able to go a week without sex or no touching, no kissing. I don't know what to change in my schedule. If I don't work these extra hours, when I take time off in November for the baby we will have no extra cash, except what we get from family for the baby.

I feel sad for my husband. We've been married less than a year and I feel like marriage was a curse because now the man I thought I had is going through this weird phase that he thinks is normal. It's not when it's been six months of your wife feeling like a roommate. He'll help with the cooking and laundry when I'm working. I thought maybe if I just never let him have to do that stuff. Maybe if I let him sleep like a bear Saturday evening, he'll wake up refreshed and desire me, but that doesn't work. I give him all the space to do man stuff and watch his movies, cause he says he always watches what I want. None of that works. I literally have to take my clothes off and lay there now for him to get the idea. Before, all I had to do was breathe. What did I do wrong? Or is it depression? Is it his job? Is it finances? Is it a midlife crisis (he's 41). He goes to the gym at least 5 days a week ( I use to complain, but since he says it makes him feel good, I got over it) Who has any experience with this? I really need help. I know this is long to read, but I feel like I can't help him when he's helped me so many times through my emotional issues.

Like minibean said, it isn't uncommon for some men to be less interested in sex during pregnancy. Do you still spend time together and enjoy yourselves? Vacations and weekends out are perks if you can afford them, but not necessary to a healthy, happy relationship. If he thinks he might be depressed, I would encourage him to seek help.

brooklyngirl18 · August 2014

it's pretty common for sex to kind of taper off after a while. i mean, of course when you're dating you can't get enough of each other but i dont know many married and pregnant couples who are still having sex multiple times a week. there are plenty of other ways to remain emotionally connected to your husband without sex. if he's depressed i hope he talks to someone and sorts it out before the baby comes but if it's just lack of sex then i think its pretty normal.

luvalways77 · August 2014

Sorry, if I mentioned it was about sex only. I'm losing the intimate connection, such as there is no form of touching. Less hugging, less kissing, less "husband/wife" chatter. Since he admits he's feeling emotionally down, I know it's not that he's losing his sex drive, it's something else. I just wanted to know if there's a reason some men will seem distant.

Jpinky9 · August 2014

I agree with @brooklyngirl18‌. When DH and I started dating we could have sex 3 times a night! Then after we moved in together and got married it turned into about once a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. Now that I am pregnant it is a little less often. But if you guys are still enjoying each other's company and spending time together doing other things I wouldn't be too concerned. I agree with pp that some men just aren't as interested in sex during pregnancy. If you are truly concerned that things have changed in other areas or that he may be depressed, I would encourage him to seek some help.

KMW08 · August 2014

luvalways77 said:
Sorry, if I mentioned it was about sex only. I'm losing the intimate connection, such as there is no form of touching. Less hugging, less kissing, less "husband/wife" chatter. Since he admits he's feeling emotionally down, I know it's not that he's losing his sex drive, it's something else. I just wanted to know if there's a reason some men will seem distant.

How long was he a widow before you met & how long were you together before you got married?

From the sidelines, my cousin is now a 40yo widow and has no kids of his own. He's struggling to try to let himself move on and feel happy. It'll be a year in October for him. I know there's a lot that goes on in his mind about if his wife (deceased) would approve, or if her family or her adult-kids approve. he still has her expectations if that makes sense.

I'm just wondering & I don't mean this harsh or mean as I'm sure he loves you, if having a baby with you is bringing up some emotion about his ex that he's trying to work through?

k1911 · August 2014

I think this is normal. I wouldn't worry too much. As others have said, it could be the baby thing. My husband and I definitely don't have sex NEARLY as often as we once did. As long as you are happy together and communicating it should be OK. If it is bothering you tell him you need him to be more attentive to you.

luvalways77 · August 2014

He had two years. he is genuinely happy and has moved on. I just wish I knew or he knew exactly why he's been feeling this way. He says it could be any number of things. Maybe he'll move past it and we'll still never know. But thank you all for your suggestions. I'll just be there for him and work through it. Thanks again.

NLJ82 · August 2014

Wait wait wait.....

What's sex?

I think I'm going to include "Abstinent since February and going strong" into my siggy. I guess I don't understand how it can be a huge issue since it isn't for us at all but everyone is different and since I have never been there...I have no real advise. Sorry you both feel this way though. Oh, and hi.

luvalways77 · August 2014

NLJ82 said:

Wait wait wait.....
What's sex?
I think I'm going to include "Abstinent since February and going strong" into my siggy. I guess I don't understand how it can be a huge issue since it isn't for us at all but everyone is different and since I have never been there...I have no real advise. Sorry you both feel this way though. Oh, and hi.

As I mentioned, I did not mean to imply sex is a main issue. For me, I'm definitely not always in the mood especially now since I have a bigger belly and it can get in the way

However, it's know that he is emotionally down and and it's affecting him and me in that I don't feel like he even wants to hug or kiss me. If it's normal to exist like roommates til the pregnancy passes, I guess I'll live with it. But I think he's knows there's something bothering him that is not related to pregnancy. I'll just say it's a combination of job and finances, and work from there.

soulcupcake · August 2014

It could be a number of things, or perhaps nothing.

He may be battling some depression, or what you experienced before was the "honeymoon" phase. Where the sex is passionate, hot and frequent, and you do a bunch of exciting things together. Then "life" sets in, and all of the dynamics of that life, and you settle into a route. It doesn't mean the "routine" is bad, it's just a normal transition and progression of a relationship. But really, it's hard to really know what's going on because we don't know your husband and the dynamics of your relationship and home life. Everyone is different, and while it appears to be normal, if he seems that off, gently suggest things you can do to bond. Are you going to recapture the honeymoon phase? Maybe not. But you can still create intimacy and closeness even if it's not the passionate and hot kind you were once used to.

Also, you said he's 41, how old are you? At his age his behavior can be a variation of normal, especially with his past struggles/loss and his current life and dynamic now. If things don't seem to get better with time then look into couple's counseling.

mander82 · August 2014

Just sounds like "the honeymoon is over" to me. Happens to alot of couples/marriages. Also could just be cause you are pregnant. If just coming out and telling him whats bothering you doesn't help, maybe try counseling.

luvalways77 · August 2014

He said himself it can be number of things and he's not sure what. Thank you aeonlux for your suggestions. I'm thinking to just change things up and get out of routine life once in a while. Working can turn people into mere robots, I guess. We see each other day after day and before, we had to make plans to see each other. So I guess with marriage, things change, and we have to change with it. Maybe he just feels like a robot lately.

brooklyngirl18 · August 2014

luvalways77 said:

He said himself it can be number of things and he's not sure what. Thank you aeonlux for your suggestions. I'm thinking to just change things up and get out of routine life once in a while. Working can turn people into mere robots, I guess. We see each other day after day and before, we had to make plans to see each other. So I guess with marriage, things change, and we have to change with it. Maybe he just feels like a robot lately.

??? this is totally normal

sweetbabyrahe · August 2014

I agree with pp. With DS especially, DH was a bit freaked out about sex...scared to hurt me or baby, etc. This time is a bit better but still not our usual. Also, you talked a lot about how unhappy he is with his job. My husband left a job a little over a year ago that was very stressful for him, but he was trying to make it work because he thought he could make more money. He is sooooo much happier now with his new job (even though it was a small pay cut) and it has improved his attitude about everything including intimacy. I agree with couples counseling as well.

jj0313 · August 2014

I couldn't read it all but you may find benefit from counseling. All of what you mention seems pretty normal to me but it sounds like it is weighing on you heavily so would be good to have an outlet.

My husbands libido decreased a lot after we had been dating 4 years or so. To be honest I don't really care about sex I just sometimes miss him WANTING it. Haha. Anyways, like I said, I think it's normal stuff. Good luck!

absolutelymaybe · August 2014

There are a lot of reasons, but what you're describing isn't all that uncommon for people who have been together for a while. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you any less, he's just not expressing it in the same ways.

I'm kind of curious why you called your DH to talk to him about this? This is something you should be talking about in person. A serious, sit-down conversation when both of you have nothing going on (i would schedule a time to have a talk) instead of blindsiding him.

If you don't feel like you are being treated the way you want, you can talk to him about it. Don't accuse him of there being something wrong because, 1. There may not be and 2. It puts him on the defensive (like he is causing a problem). Frame it in a way like, "I really liked it when you did xyz. It was important to me." Not "Why aren't you doing this anymore!?"

If this is a big enough issue for you and talking doesn't change it, I would suggest marriage counseling. It's not just for couples who have serious problems in their marriage, it can be for couples looking to find better ways to connect or improve their communication.

jj0313 · August 2014

Is he rejecting you when you try and initiate?

clumsyatheart · August 2014

Oh man, this is rough. I'm single and asexual/sex repulsed, so intimacy isn't necessary for me anymore, but i understand how much it can hurt not to touch the person you care about, and especially not to be touched by them. I'm of the opinion that despite what he is going through, he is married now (i'm really sorry about his experiences as a widower btw, that's horrible. I'm glad he was able to find happiness again) and marriage means work. You can't just live in your own bubble and expect to have a marriage that works/the marriage or partnership you want. He's slightly acknowledged that he has issues, but his vagueness is a red flag to me. Relationships are about communication. If he can't communicate properly, neither of you will be happy (i'm sorry if that sounds really harsh). He needs to figure out what is going on with him and sit down and talk to you about it and come up with some solutions HIMSELF (aka he needs to contribute and listen to your needs). It is not your responsibility to figure out his issues and solve them for him. You are not his psychologist or his mother, you are his wife.

If he is having issues with his ex, he may be embarrassed to talk to you about them, but he needs to get over it. I'm sorry i'm so harsh, but it seems a bit one-sided right now and with you being pregnant, you don't need to be dealing with his manpain. Instead of focusing on you and what you need, he is withdrawing, which makes me wonder if he will have jealousy issues with the baby or some resentment. Maybe he feels like the good days are over, but dude needs to realize he is so so SO lucky to have you and a baby on the way.

I hope he gets his crap together. I don't know either of you, but the entire post reeked of red flags to me. I hope everything works out and that you don't have to deal with anymore bs during your pregnancy. Again, sorry for my harshness. I have 0 patience for men these days, so i might be biased

i def think marriage counseling and outside support will help you two. All the best.

ssstephanie214 · August 2014

Sounds like you both need a vacation

MrsDL · August 2014

mander82 said:

Just sounds like "the honeymoon is over" to me. Happens to alot of couples/marriages. Also could just be cause you are pregnant. If just coming out and telling him whats bothering you doesn't help, maybe try counseling.

This. There is a saying - the marriage doesn't start until the sex stops - LOL. A "normal" sex life is important in a marital relationship, don't get me wrong, but "until death do we part" is a long, long time and like everything else in life, there are ebbs and flows, ups and downs in a marriage and the sex life within a marriage.

Once you settle-in to the comfort of marriage, it goes through cycles imo - hot and heavy honeymoon periods (that don't last half as long as when you were dating), followed by settling into the "stirring the soup and paying the bills" which is life, dealing with kids, bills, work and if you're lucky, making a little time for sex now and again, followed-by some doubts, working through the doubts or difficult times ----> back to a honeymoon period... and then lather, rinse, repeat.

You still have fun which is important, and being a good roommate is important in a marriage. Non-stop passion is not sustainable indefinitely, forever, even though we might miss that from the dating days. I've heard a relationship expert on the radio recently say that people often say they want two things in a relationship/marriage, passion and security. But security comes from comfort and predictability, it's pretty much the opposite of passion. They don't exist all the time simultaneously. This made a whole lot of sense to me. When you are in the comfort zone (roommates), you long for the passion. However when you have that passion, it's so intense you long for commitment and security (which is why people get married). A lot of people apparently feel like the marriage is on the rocks or not going well when it's just in a normal phase of comfort. Hopefully that is what this is and I hope the passion you want comes back for a while, but it's difficult while pregnant and the first few months with a newborn.

MuchlyGen · August 2014

I want to second PP's "ebb and flow" comment. When fella and I were dating there was a fair bit of sex. It slowed down a lot when we moved in together and got married,not because there was anything wrong but because... He was comfortable. He was relaxed. It wasn't pressing for him anymore. I had a hard time with it. I was less experienced than he, and I wanted it to stay hot and heavy, plus I wasn't terribly secure so I felt anxious and hurt when he wasn't demonstrative. Now, 9 yrs and 2 kids later, our sex life is WAY better than it ever was before. Really. But in ebbs and flows. We go through drier spells, then very... Very... Juicy spells. Ahem. I've found that he tends to be more physically affectionate and demonstrative when he's happy, and it helps if I am first. If I want physical closeness that he isn't offering, I go snuggle up to him, or ask him to touch me. He does occasionally have bouts of depression that cause him to detach a bit... For him, the best thing I can do is give him some space to figure stuff out. This is something I've figured out after lots of nonpressurey conversations.

Relationships change and evolve into new things. Getting married and having a baby is such a huge thing that I think it's normal to have some evolution going on, and it can be hard to let go of what you had... But I mean it when I say that what's to come can be so much more.

luvalways77 · August 2014

MuchlyGen said:

I want to second PP's "ebb and flow" comment. When fella and I were dating there was a fair bit of sex. It slowed down a lot when we moved in together and got married,not because there was anything wrong but because... He was comfortable. He was relaxed. It wasn't pressing for him anymore. I had a hard time with it. I was less experienced than he, and I wanted it to stay hot and heavy, plus I wasn't terribly secure so I felt anxious and hurt when he wasn't demonstrative. Now, 9 yrs and 2 kids later, our sex life is WAY better than it ever was before. Really. But in ebbs and flows. We go through drier spells, then very... Very... Juicy spells. Ahem. I've found that he tends to be more physically affectionate and demonstrative when he's happy, and it helps if I am first. If I want physical closeness that he isn't offering, I go snuggle up to him, or ask him to touch me. He does occasionally have bouts of depression that cause him to detach a bit... For him, the best thing I can do is give him some space to figure stuff out. This is something I've figured out after lots of nonpressurey conversations. Relationships change and evolve into new things. Getting married and having a baby is such a huge thing that I think it's normal to have some evolution going on, and it can be hard to let go of what you had... But I mean it when I say that what's to come can be so much more.

thank you for sharing your experience

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