writing to my estranged father

hologram87 · August 2014

So a little back story. My parents divorced when I was 2. I saw my dad on weekends only. He remarried when I was in high school and we had a bit of a falling out when I was in my 20's. My sister and I wrote a letter to him saying that we felt he chose his new family over us and we didn't want to speak to him again, it was too hard having a relationship with him. He never responded to that letter. So now, over 10 years later, DD (4) asks if she has a grandpa. Well, she does, but we don't speak. Should I contact him and tell him he has 2 beautiful grandchildren? I'm not good with words so I don't even know what I would write. Any help with this? Would you write? What would you say?

Thanks for listening!

Ninjamama86 · August 2014

Given his history... If he didn't respond to that letter, and he isn't making an effort I to be in your life, are you ready to give him the opportunity to hurt your kids the way her hurt you and your sister? Personally, I probably wouldn't.

cagoldi · August 2014

If you want to write because you want to make an effort to mend your relationship I think that's a separate matter.

Given the fact that you laid it all out for him and he didn't respond I don't think I would personally.

We didn't have much contact at all with my maternal grandma, and that was for the better. I don't think 4 is the age when you want to go into detail but as she gets older you can explain your falling out. My mom always told me that her mom was unkind to her (physically and verbally abusive) so she they didn't speak. Your situation is different but I think her approach was just right. It taught me that I don't owe anybody my time or affection, that they have to treat me well to earn a relationship.

88sharonlee · August 2014

It sounds like a tough personal issue, but I would agree that you don't need to reach out to him, unless you are looking for him to be a part of your life again.
I do think you can be honest and simply tell your dd that yes, she has a grandpa, he just isn't around or whatever.

I was 15 when I learned that my dad had a brother. While I didnt miss out on having him in my life (I did eventually meet him) I did and still do think its weird that I didn't even know he existed for so long.

Does dd want to meet him or is she just curious? You can satisfy her curiosity without reaching out to him....

If you are looking to turn over a new leaf and think he might be as well...then that's a different story.

Mum2Be28 · August 2014

I understand your thought process, but If it were me I would not do it. You (and your sister) were the last ones to reach out- the ball is in his court. I'm sure you're thinking that if maybe he knew that he had grandchildren then that would change things. Well, it's been 10 years so I'm sure the thought has crossed his mind that you are at the age where you might likely have a husband/partner and some kids now. And he still hasn't reached out.

My half sister is in a similar situation with her dad and the handful of times they have spoken in the last 15+ years has only led to heartbreak and disappointment every.single.time.

I think maybe better to let your girls learn about their grandpa at the appropriate age, rather than risk having him come into their lives now and do to them what he has done to you and your sister all over again.

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. (((Hugs)))

barista411 · August 2014

I agree with @Sing2phins‌. Your father respected your wishes to cease contact. If you are prepared and choose to try to have a relationship with your father I would make sure you are prepared for all possible outcomes.

As far as your daughter is concerned I would be honest with her but keep it age appropriate. I am a strong propionate of telling kids the truth. I would explain that she does have a another grandfather but you have not seen him for a long time. Then when she is older and can handle the whole story explain to her and let her decide if she wants a relationship with her grandfather.

CarrieB. · August 2014

My DH and I also have a similar issue with his dad. His dad walked out on his family when DH was a baby. We've only seen FIL 3 times since we were married 9 years ago. He has young children with his second wife.

It's hard for me, because my family is so close. But holding a grudge only hurts yourself, I think you just have to accept that this relationship is not going to be all puppies and rainbows.

My children didn't choose this relationship with their grandfather and step-grandmother and their children. But I can reach out, send regular photos and not take it personally when they forget their birthdays and doesn't always respond to emails.

Kids are pretty resilient and they will learn that we have different kinds of relationships with different family members.

izzybelka · August 2014

This gave me all sorts of feelings this morning. My parents divorced while I was in high school. I haven't heard from my father in 10 years. I've invited him to all my major life events since and I've never heard a peep from him. Its disappointing. But, if he wanted to be in my life, he would try to be. There is no need to dwell on what could have been. I hope to never repeat my parent's mistakes and will work hard to make LO's life a happy one.

Like the PPs said, do what is right for YOU.

Want a personalized experience?

writing to my estranged father

Re: writing to my estranged father

Choose Another Board

Search Boards