Daycare adjusting

tatithomas · August 2014

DS is 10 months old and up until now under the care of my MIL when DH and I are at work 5 days a week. We've just enrolled him in daycare part time (2 days a week) primarily to give him some exposure to new people and kids his age as opposed to all day grandma/grandpa. Selfishly, this will also allow me to work from home two days a week and pick-up/drop-off DS and get to spend more time with him than the typical 1-1.5 hours I lose each way on commuting. Also, there has been a lot of tension between me and the ILs as a result of our setup and I think space will do everyone some good.

So yesterday I took him to the daycare for a playdate where they allow the parents and children to spend an hour or two at the facility, interact with the kids and caregivers, etc. I was encouraged to leave the area for a little while to see how DS would react. I expected him to be upset, but he was WAILING non stop until I returned to the room about 20 minutes later. The experience was emotionally draining, disheartening, and has me really worried how he'll acclimate once he goes there on his first day in a week. Since he is only there two days a week I expect it'll take him a little longer to adjust. DH is already talking about pulling him, but I want to give him time.

In your experiences, how long did it take your little ones to adjust? How old were they when they started? Were they part time or full time? Essentially I'm looking for some (realistic) encouragement to stick with it Thanks!!

[Deleted User] · August 2014

To be blunt- DH needs to chill and have a reality check. There will be an adjustment period and that is normal.

I am not a fan of the parent lingering and then leaving. It sets up the possibility of "maybe mom is staying". DS was much better when I would kiss and leave. He would cry but he would stop after a few minutes and then be fine the rest of the day.

My advice is to give it a month and see how it goes. Does he calm down after you leave? Is he happy when you pick him up? How is he throughout the day?

Ask the teachers to help more at drop off (if possible) in taking him and coddling him until he settles and is used to drop off.

DS started full time at 12 weeks. He needed an adjustment period. It is totally normal.

minirella · August 2014

Mine has been in part-time care since she was 10w. She use to go to daycare/preschool T/TH, my MIL would watch her M/W, and my husband was off Fridays. When she got older she cried at drop-off but I was told by the teachers that she would settle down a few minutes afterward.

I don't remember any meltdowns when we started at the preschool (she was 2) and last year we went to a M-F schedule half-day only at the preschool. My MIL picks her up M-Th and watches her in the afternoon and then I work half-days on Fridays and do pick-up (because my husband went to an admin position back in January so he is no longer off Fridays, so I made arrangements with my work). There were no melt downs whatsoever. She is 4 now and I don't expect any. In fact, she asks to go to the "church school" just about every day.

She is my MIL's only blood grandchild and the part-time schedule allows them to spend time together but also gives my MIL/FIL a break because they both work out of the home.

I'd give it a few months as well, maybe even longer. In 4 years, I've had 2 calls from a daycare informing me that my child would not stop crying (she was 5-6 months and she cried for 2 hours straight both times before they called me and I went and got her). You should be able to ask the teachers each morning about how long he cries after you leave and sometimes it is just a matter of the providers distracting him while you leave.

traveltheworld · August 2014

I can totally see where you are coming from. We put DS in DC at 10 months as well. In retrospect, we should have put him in sooner; since at 10 months, he was aware enough to know what's going on, so the transition was hard for him. We chose to have him there 4 days a week to start because I thought that having him there less would make it even harder to adjust. He screamed and cried the first few weeks - it was heart-breaking. After the first few days though, the crying was not too bad - he'd cry/scream for about 10 - 20 minutes at drop-off but would be fine for the rest of the day. We have webcam access and I was pretty much glued to the webcam the first couple of weeks. I'd say he wasn't engaged with the class/teachers until about a month in.

When my DS was 1.5 years old, we took him out for a 3 week vacation and then when we went back, he moved up to the toddler room. We also moved him to a 2 days/week schedule. Even though he loved his infant room by then, the transition to the toddler room was super difficult for him - going 2 days/week didn't help since by the time he is more used to it, it'd be another 5 days of no DC again. I almost pulled him out because the screaming/crying was really getting to me - he was 1.5 years old, he could vocalize better and I found it incredibly difficult to deal with the "no go mommy! please! please! please no go!" sobs at every drop-off. I told myself I'd give it 3 months and right towards the end of the 3 months mark was when DS stopped sobbing at drop-off.

If possible, I would see if you could have him there for more than 2 days a week for the first month or two so that he can adjust more quickly. But if that's not possible, then just be mentally prepared that it will take longer. But in the end, it's totally worth it. DS loves his DC and he has learned so much - he is 2 now and and has a lot more "life skills" than he otherwise would if he didn't go to DC.

Mustardseed2007 · August 2014

We put DS in DC at 20 months after he had been with family during the day, we also work 5 days per week. It took about a week for him to settle down. In the beginning, it was very helpful to leave as fast as I could even if he was crying.

Now at 2.5 he still has days when it's hard - usually associated with just being tired or it can be an unwelcome change in his routine. Now sometimes suggesting an activity in the class or giving him a few more encouraging words can help him ease into the transition, but it's sort of a different thing b/c I can reason with him (some what) and he isn't new there he's just tired or as he puts it "Not sure" about some change in his routine. But if your kid is anything like mine (and every kid is different but they are also often similar) this easing in thing won't really apply to you right now and the drop and run will probably serve you best.

I will say with DS, his light switch of "hey, this isn't so bad" usually occurs right about the time I arrive at the conclusion that if this terrible phase goes on one more day we're going to stop/I'm going to cave.

One other thing I wanted to tell you, when DS was 10 months and my family was watching him, he started to cry when I would drop him off. So yeah a change is probably going to make it hard, but you might find that you're in for separation anxiety anyway.

MickeyM04 · August 2014

Oh my, well I think your husband needs to adjust his expectations as to how long it takes a child to adjust to a new situation, or he is going to be in for a rough few years. (Or 18 rough years perhaps as the case may be!)

But enough of my husband bashing (sorry, having some personal issues of my own right now). We enrolled DS in full-time daycare at 22 months due to our having lost our nanny. Let me tell you, honestly, it sucked. He was fine on the "practice day" when I stayed with him and played for a couple hours, but once it was for real, he was SO upset at drop-offs. Like I was getting into the car and crying because of how bad I felt about how upset he was. And when I was talking to his teachers, they were telling me that he was pretty emotional during the day, would start randomly crying and asking for me, but they were usually able to redirect him. It was honestly only (I say "only" now, but of course at the time it seemed like forever) 3 weeks before he basically was totally fine being there. He was emotional at drop offs for another week or two after that, but they told me that after the 3 week mark, he basically was emotional after we dropped him off for like 2 minutes and was fine the rest of the day. Then after about 5 weeks, he stopped crying at drop offs altogether. Now (6 months in), it's at the point where he doesn't want to leave when we pick him up (he's happy to see us but he wants to stay and play with his friends), asks to go to school in the morning, and talks about his friends and teachers (i.e. he says their names to me in the car on the way home unprompted).

My advice for you is as follows:

1. You need to rip off the band-aid as others have said, at drop off. Lingering only makes it worse. They think maybe you are staying and then bam, you leave after all. The teachers all echoed this as well. Tell them you love them, give them a kiss, tell them you'll see them soon/later/in a few hours, and LEAVE. DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT $200.

2. I also agree you may want to try to bring him every day for awhile if you can. I think it will be so hard for your LO to adjust if he is with the IL's one day, then school the other day, then the IL's the next day, then school the following day, then the IL's for one day, then home for the weekend. I mean you are basically giving him three different environments in a 7-day week. We generally have problems on Monday if we are going to have problems at drop-off, simply because DS and DD have gotten used to being at home for 2 days. I cannot even imagine what it would be like for them if literally they were never in one place for more than a day at a time. It is going to take your LO sooooo much longer to adjust if he's only there every Tuesday and Thursday (I presume those are the days). It took our DS 3 weeks and he was there 5 days a week 11 hours a day.

3. Is there something you can bring for your LO from home? For DS we brought his blanket for naptime, and for DD we brought a blanket that smelled like me. I think it helps them feel better to have something from home (familiar smell, familiar snuggles), and maybe even helps them realize you're coming back for them.

I think DC is such a great environment for kids...when DS started we were researching speech therapists because he was 22 months and only said 7 words. 2 months in and he was saying well over 100 words. 6 months in and yesterday we get home and he looks in the garage for daddy's car, and he goes, "I want my daddy." I say, "Let's go inside the house with baby," and he goes, "No baby! I want my daddy please!" So yeah, you could say we are big daycare proponents.

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