WWYD: Not another nanny saga (loss mentioned)

bluebird1832 · August 2014

I found another nanny and I thought she was perfect. She had her first day and everything went really well. She told me she recently suffered a miscarriage and we talked a little about it since I had one before ds.

Before her second day of working she texted me that she had to go to the dr and she might not be able to come. I find out later that she just had another miscarriage (I didn't know she was pregnant before)

My heart breaks for this girl and I obviously made her take the week off after I paid her for it but now here is my dilemma: (feel free to flame away if I am being ridiculous) i am not sure if I am comfortable with her watching my lo. I know everyone is different after a loss, but I just don't feel like I could trust someone giving their full attention to a baby, or maybe get too attached to him.

Maybe I've watched a fee too many lifetime movies, but please tell me, wwyd?

RondackHiker · August 2014

I'd ask if she was ready to work again and let her return to work.

Are you seriously asking if miscarriages make her likely to steal or ignore your baby?

bluebird1832 · August 2014

I knew I couldn't word it correctly. I am sorry that what I said sounds exactly like that. I will of course have a conversation with her. Thanks for knocking me back down to reality.

ShePersisted · August 2014

Personally I don't think it should matter. Being a nanny is her profession and it's important that she can emotionally balance herself just like we all do with our professional lives. It will be hard for her but she wants to be a mom to her own baby and a nanny to yours so it's unfair to judge her because she is suffering pregnancy losses.

Unknown · August 2014

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bluebird1832 · August 2014

I had one as well, and that is why I wanted to know what other people thought. I want to protect her heart, but also my family. I know people process things differently and I never said she would steal my baby.

bluebird1832 · August 2014

Btw this is her first time nannying

Unknown · August 2014

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Unknown · August 2014

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bluebird1832 · August 2014

aditigirl said:

bluebird1832 said:
I had one as well, and that is why I wanted to know what other people thought. I want to protect her heart, but also my family. I know people process things differently and I never said she would steal my baby.
"Become to attached"

What exactly did you mean by that, then?

I meant not grieve for her own loss and become more attached to ds. Sorry if I can't word it correctly but I do appreciate your response

Unknown · August 2014

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bluebird1832 · August 2014

RondackHiker said:
I'd ask if she was ready to work again and let her return to work.

Are you seriously asking if miscarriages make her likely to steal or ignore your baby?

I guess I am coming from a place of knowing how hard it was for me to even let people know how hard of a time I had with it. I'm not saying she is or will, but in my situation I did drift off at work and had random breakdowns for a little while.

RondackHiker · August 2014

bluebird1832 said:

RondackHiker said:
I'd ask if she was ready to work again and let her return to work.

Are you seriously asking if miscarriages make her likely to steal or ignore your baby?
I guess I am coming from a place of knowing how hard it was for me to even let people know how hard of a time I had with it. I'm not saying she is or will, but in my situation I did drift off at work and had random breakdowns for a little while.

Guess your boss should have fired you, like you're thinking about doing to her.

bluebird1832 · August 2014

@TyrannosaurusLex‌ you're completely correct. Sorry for thinking any other way

Unknown · August 2014

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RondackHiker · August 2014

TyrannosaurusLex said:
The great thing about kids is they keep you really busy. Really, really busy.
Maybe she'll have a few teary moments to herself during his nap time, you'll never know.

I understand you're trying to come from a place of empathy. I do.
But....ouch.

And if you're trying to have empathy, firing her won't really help.

bluebird1832 · August 2014

TyrannosaurusLex said:
The great thing about kids is they keep you really busy. Really, really busy.
Maybe she'll have a few teary moments to herself during his nap time, you'll never know.

I understand you're trying to come from a place of empathy. I do.
But....ouch.

I'm glad you saw a glimmer of empathy, and thank you for being honest. I know my feelings could have been taken as harsh and I was confused. This ftm thing is rough! Can you tell I'm a numbers person and NOT a words person?

Unknown · August 2014

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bluebird1832 · August 2014

@aditigirl‌ I'm sorry it comes off that way (I know that it does) I have been wrestling with my feelings and see that they were way out of line

NeneCakies · August 2014

AuburnGirlSC said:
I recommend that you stop watching Lifetime.

And maybe The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

Hugs to loss moms.

bluebird1832 · August 2014

I am a loss mom as well, so please do not think that I do not know an ounce of what is going on with this girl. I have been in tears thinking about it and I am glad that you all gave me the advice that you did.

bluebird1832 · August 2014

@TyrannosaurusLex‌ thank you for that

bluebird1832 · August 2014

@Hawkward‌ thank you for sharing your experience.

I knew this one would be worded incorrectly and push some buttons, but I really do appreciate the responses.

bluebird1832 · August 2014

@SweetTurnip‌ as I've said, I know I worded it incorrectly and feel terrible for making other loss moms clearly upset, that was obviously not my intention.

bluebird1832 · August 2014

Hawkward said:
I appreciate that you're listening. Just please do not ever do anything around her- careless words, body language, whatever- to make her think that you trust her less because of her reproductive system.

I will be extremely aware of this when she comes back, thanks.

stra0111 · August 2014

Wow. What a horrifying post to wake up and read. I don't know where to start. When I lost a pregnancy at 11 weeks I took a week off. And when I returned to work (as a preschool teacher) I found that, as usual, the kids helped me feel better. Whenever I had something going on in my life, they were a great distraction. A few minutes in to my shift I'd find myself smiling again.

And the title of this makes me ragey. "Not Another Nanny Saga". Like oh poor YOU, not ANOTHER nanny issue! That must be SO inconvenient for YOU.....

littlestjerry · August 2014

This is one of the oddest sentiments I've seen on TB ever.

bluebird1832 · August 2014

@stra0111 I meant sorry to bring another nanny issue here. I know I worded it incorrectly and wish I could have a re-do. It would go more like this:

My nanny who I just hired this week just suffered a loss. I do not know her well and feel absolutely terrible for her as I have been in the same place. She is very young and I want to make sure she is okay. I wanted to talk to her about it when she said she would be at work the very next day, and I knew that I needed time after mine, but understand everyone processes and hurts differently. I have been trying to be supportive, but need advice. If anyone was in childcare during their loss, what should I say, what shouldn't I say and will taking care of my son help or hurt?

stra0111 · August 2014

Nothing. You say nothing. If she doesn't bring it up, neither do you. My employer gave me a sympathy card and a gift card to a restaurant. That was nice. But given your "way with words" please say nothing.

vandelay · August 2014

Those Lifetime movies that imply that IF women and women with pregnancy losses are all on the verge of trying to steal the children of the poor, unsuspecting women who are able to have children always bothered me. But I had no idea anyone really took them to heart. And would admit it publicly like it's a completely reasonable thing to think.

Jesus.

NeneCakies · August 2014

Regardless, we don't have brain goggles any more than we have ute goggles. There is no way to know what she's going through or what helps/hurts unless she says so.

...Or unless your inhaler goes missing one day. Whatever you do, don't go to the greenhouse!!

[Deleted User] · August 2014

I'm just going to chalk this up over one of those ridiculous things we think during a time of high anxiety and back out of this post slowly.

NotSharknado · August 2014

Most baby snatchers are people who made up a pregnancy and now have to fork up a baby to continue their lies. It really has nothing to do with wanting a baby.

I.D. Channel >>>>>> Lifetime.

YW.

RayRay007 · August 2014

OP, that is a really odd place for your mind to go.

LucilleAustero · August 2014

I have PPOCD and my mind goes to some weird and dark places on a regular, like daily, basis. But, this is one place it has never gone. One of DD's teachers recently had a a loss at 5 months :-( it never entered my mind that my DD or this upcoming baby could be in danger. My concern was for her teacher.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

That was more my point. I can't flame you for absurd anxiety driven thoughts. But perhaps you should honestly evaluate that. I mean that legitimately and not flamingly.

bluebird1832 · August 2014

@MarlaSinger&‌ I do deal with anxiety and letting someone else watch my four month old that I just met is very hard for me. My husband has been trying to tell me nicely how ridiculous I sound, but I guess I take it better from strangers on TB.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

bluebird1832 said:

@MarlaSinger&‌ I do deal with anxiety and letting someone else watch my four month old that I just met is very hard for me. My husband has been trying to tell me nicely how ridiculous I sound, but I guess I take it better from strangers on TB.

I get it. I take critique from you all much better than from DH.

Irrational thoughts are a clear symptom of PPD/PPA. I would consider talking to my OB if I were you. Good luck.

[Deleted User] · August 2014

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